[JaneC]

I am lying here thinking about how I am missing having my therapist for support during this long break........and wondering if it is even worth going back. Then realising I felt the same way in the last 3 week break (which not too long before this break anyway)....I began to see just how much of an impact therapy and my therapist have on my life.

Not always positively either!! I do not like this feeling of missing someone who is not even a part of my regular life and will inevitably not be a part of it in the future!

I struggle to hold on to knowing the benefit of therapy to me during the break..........and at the same time have a deep need to hold on to it because it supports me and my growth in a way that nothing or noone else ever has.

Do you think that therapists are even aware of the depth of the part they play or the impact they have in our lives? Both good and not so good as it may be???? DO THEY EVEN!!??

I've a good mind to demand an answer to that question from mine! And a proper answer too.

What do you think? Do they know?

[Crazy Hitch]

Interesting thought!

I rely on my T for guidance and as a bouncing board for things I'm thinking of doing.

Mine is also gone over this break and I must admit there have been times when it's crossed my mind and I've thought I wish I could tell my T ....

But.

Overall I'm okay having this break. It makes me an independent decision maker. So far so good.

I think T are aware of the impact they have. It's a positive reward when they see progress in clients. Remember they're not our "friend", theyre a professional confidant.

I'd consider changing your strategy.

How about instead of "demanding" answers, give your T a compliment. Let him/her know that the break has made you realise what a positive impact they have on your life.

As long as they have been through their own therapy (which is a requirement to be allowed to practice in many places, and ought to be a requirement everywhere, in my opinion) I think they understand. Nobody can ever know exactly what kind of impact or influence we have on anyone else, but I think anybody who has gone through adequate training to become a T, and who has sat in the clients' chair themselves for hundreds of hours, will understand the potential impact they may have, even if they can't know exactly how it feels.

[brillskep]

Some therapists are aware, others forget, and some may think they have that much impact even on clients who don't feel it so much. I find that it's a matter of attunement on both sides.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Interesting thought!

I rely on my T for guidance and as a bouncing board for things I'm thinking of doing.

Mine is also gone over this break and I must admit there have been times when it's crossed my mind and I've thought I wish I could tell my TtT ....

But.

Overall I'm okay having this break. It makes me an independent decision maker. So far so good.

I think T are aware of the impact they have. It's a positive reward when they see progress in clients. Remember they're not our "friend", theyre a professional confidant.

I'd consider changing your strategy.

How about instead of "demanding" answers, give your T a compliment. Let him/her know that the9break has made you realise what a positive impact they have on your life.

I guess I should have explained the "demanding" was meant as a joke or tongue in cheek...it is not the sort of relationship I have with my therapist.

Hmmm.....I let my therapist know how he helps me from time to time. And I dont really see him to help me make decisions in my life, I am comfortable making my own choices. I go to therapy to understand my emotional experience of life, to work through trauma, and develop better relationship with myself and others, because so much trauma left me completely closed off to both my feelings & emotions and people due to fear.

I guess am just feeling a bit abandonned.......and this leads me to wonder if they do know......

And yes..thank goodness they are professionals and not friends....no way could I do this with a friend. Nor would I want my therapist as a friend!

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

As long as they have been through their own therapy (which is a requirement to be allowed to practice in many places, and ought to be a requirement everywhere, in my opinion) I think they understand. Nobody can ever know exactly what kind of impact or influence we have on anyone else, but I think anybody who has gone through adequate training to become a T, and who has sat in the clients' chair themselves for hundreds of hours, will understand the potential impact they may have, even if they can't know exactly how it feels.

I think you are right.....and mine certainly has had his own therapy. I guess he may have an awareness.........

I am clearly feeling a lot neglected, and needy, and that leads me to question........ It is a tough time of the year.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I know mine knows. I had only been seeing her for 3 months when she had to cancel our session due to a family emergency. She said: "I know you're not going to like this..." She has said and done other things that also shows she knows. Though with me, she'd have to be completely oblivious if she didn't know. We talk about my fear of losing her almost every other week. That plus all my emails and me verbally admitting that I'm attached...

Though I have had a few past Ts who didn't get it. Probably why those Ts never worked out.

When you seem him again, ask him. Or like Hooligan mentioned, give him a compliment. Or even as for reassurance.

I know it can be difficult when they miss sessions. I dread it every time mine has to miss.

Originally Posted by JaneC

I think you are right.....and mine certainly has had his own therapy. I guess he may have an awareness.........

I am clearly feeling a lot neglected, and needy, and that leads me to question........ It is a tough time of the year.

i think they do have an awareness of it for sure.

therapists have to undergo intensive therapy before they can practise. no one is immune to the draw of transference or attachment that occurs during the therapeutic relationship.

so i think that if they have felt it themselves - yes. they know exactly how we feel towards them.

I can remember my T once talking about that. He didn't want me to put him on a pedestal and was reminding me of that possibility, making sure I was staying grounded in reality where he was concerned. Yes, they are aware.

[ThisWayOut]

I think they can have an idea, but only if we let them in on it (be it words, actions, or responses). I know my previous t figured it out, and the one before her did also. The one before that only realized it when I told him that the relationship was healing more than I originally let on...

[brokenwarrior]

Yes especially if they have been through therapy themselves. It is also taught to them in school.

[unaluna]

Idk, i rather like your "demanding" tone it tells him SOME resistance has been broken down! Like feeling comfortable enough with someone to have a pillow fight. I dont always "clean up" the presentation of my emotions to t - i dont want to lose too much in the translation. I might explain it though. Like i would say, "i feel like saying i love you, but i dont know why." Instead of insisting that i love him, for example.

[stopdog]

I have found them to assume they have more of one than they really do.

[Rainydaiz]

I could have written this. Glad I'm not alone. Thank you!

[Ididitmyway]

Since I am one of "them" and since I've talked to many of "them" (my colleagues) in supervision and peer consultations, I can tell you that "they" know and don't know at the same time.

We are aware of the impact we have on our clients and for many of us it's a huge ego booster, which is one of the "rewards" of this work, which is sad because it's not what the work should be about.

For those of us for whom out clients' obsession about us is an ego booster, this is just what it is. These professionals don't do much with it except enjoy it and talk about how "therapeutic" it is for their clients to be in love with them, and how they are "working through" their transference.

For others like me, who are in the minority, the clients' obsession about us is one of the most destructive parts of the currently established therapy structure. It's a burden that we don't like and feel we don't need to carry.

In both cases, whether we love it or hate it, we don't spend even nearly as much time and energy thinking about our clients outside of work as they spend thinking about us (given that we are in the right mind). Any professional who tells you otherwise is a liar. I know many people will hate this post and will react strongly to it. I am ok with that.

[jaynedough]

I'm pretty sure my T has better insight into his impact on me and my life than I do. I've been seeing him for quite a while and our therapeutic relationship has evolved over that time.

I think a good T will adapt to the individual clients needs. For that they have to have good insight into their impact on the client.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

For others like me, who are in the minority,

When you say that you are in the minority, do you refer to therapists you know and have spoken to, or is there research that shows this? I would be very interested to read any studies - I am not saying you are wrong but it would be really good to know what the figures are that your statement builds on.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

In both cases, whether we love it or hate it, we don't spend even nearly as much time and energy thinking about our clients outside of work as they spend thinking about us (given that we are in the right mind).

I would hope you don't! It's rather terrible to imagine a therapist who'd think of their clients all the time outside their work. That person could not possibly be a good T.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Since I am one of "them" and since I've talked to many of "them" (my colleagues) in supervision and peer consultations, I can tell you that "they" know and don't know at the same time.

We are aware of the impact we have on our clients and for many of us it's a huge ego booster, which is one of the "rewards" of this work, which is sad because it's not what the work should be about.

For those of us for whom out clients' obsession about us is an ego booster, this is just what it is. These professionals don't do much with it except enjoy it and talk about how "therapeutic" it is for their clients to be in love with them, and how they are "working through" their transference.

For others like me, who are in the minority, the clients' obsession about us is one of the most destructive parts of the currently established therapy structure. It's a burden that we don't like and feel we don't need to carry.

In both cases, whether we love it or hate it, we don't spend even nearly as much time and energy thinking about our clients outside of work as they spend thinking about us (given that we are in the right mind). Any professional who tells you otherwise is a liar. I know many people will hate this post and will react strongly to it. I am ok with that.

I think there is a big difference between impact and obsession. Certainly, some people are obsessed with their therapists-- there have been several threads about that. But that is not the case for everyone (or most clients) who have been significantly impacted for the better by their therapy. I think the goal of therapy is (or should be) to gain meaningful insight, make helpful life changes, and have a secure and authentic relationship with T that models and facilitates the development of healthy RL relationships. If a client is able to do this successfully, and is grateful to T for helping them reach those goals, it seems the T should feel good about making a difference and allowing the client to flourish in their life. It's not about idolizing T; it's about being grateful for how T has helped us improve our lives.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

When you say that you are in the minority, do you refer to therapists you know and have spoken to, or is there research that shows this?

I am referring to those I know and have spoken with.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I would be very interested to read any studies - I am not saying you are wrong but it would be really good to know what the figures are that your statement builds on.

Absolutely! I would love to see some studies on this subject too! Unfortunately, there are none. Psychotherapy in general is not well-researched..I wonder why..

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I would hope you don't! It's rather terrible to imagine a therapist who'd think of their clients all the time outside their work. That person could not possibly be a good T.

I agree! That's why we don't.

[JaneC]

Now that it is morning and I am not feeling so terribly alone and needy (go figure!)......I am able to remember a conversation I had with my therapist. I expressed my hope that he doesn't take too much work home with him, in as much as I hope he doesn't spend too much time thinking about me or his clients at home. I think he had said something about "holding me in his thoughts" at some stage over a weekend...........

He told me of course he does think about me and others, but that I needn't have concern because he is sure he is very balanced in this respect. He reminded me to think about my own experience with my previous clients and how I managed that, and that it was probably similar. (Not quite, as I was not a therapist, but yeah!)

I found it interesting, Ididitmyway, that you interpreted my expression about impact to mean "obsession". I am glad that I am far from obsessed, and would think most clients are not. For myself only I can say the impact relates to how the relationship(even calling it a relationship is progress for me) has helped me begin to make profound changes within myself, and therefore without also. I wonder why you saw it as obsession? I can imagine an obsessed client would pose a huge burden to therapists.......

I think I will talk with my therapist at some stage next year about the impact he has had on me, when I can formulate it in my own head......because I think quite possibly it will also help me to see just how far I have come.......possibly?

I didn't read your question as about obsession either, Jane . . .

[PaulaS]

I think they all know to some extent, more or less depending on their own experiences of being in therapy and how they relate to clients. My former T for example told me I could e-mail her or even call her if "something happened" during a break we had due to finances.

But as they all have (most always anyway) several clients they can´t think about the impact they have on each client to the same extent as clients think about their T:s. I think it´s important to tell a T if you feel left out or "forgotten" during longer breaks in therapy. I´d ask him or her if it was OK to e-mail him/her and if his/her policy is to answer to such e-mails. Perhaps you could pay a little for such services.

Originally Posted by JaneC

I am lying here thinking about how I am missing having my therapist for support during this long break........and wondering if it is even worth going back. Then realising I felt the same way in the last 3 week break (which not too long before this break anyway)....I began to see just how much of an impact therapy and my therapist have on my life.

Not always positively either!! I do not like this feeling of missing someone who is not even a part of my regular life and will inevitably not be a part of it in the future!

I struggle to hold on to knowing the benefit of therapy to me during the break..........and at the same time have a deep need to hold on to it because it supports me and my growth in a way that nothing or noone else ever has.

Do you think that therapists are even aware of the depth of the part they play or the impact they have in our lives? Both good and not so good as it may be???? DO THEY EVEN!!??

I've a good mind to demand an answer to that question from mine! And a proper answer too.

What do you think? Do they know?

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Now that it is morning and I am not feeling so terribly alone and needy (go figure!)......I am able to remember a conversation I had with my therapist. I expressed my hope that he doesn't take too much work home with him, in as much as I hope he doesn't spend too much time thinking about me or his clients at home. I think he had said something about "holding me in his thoughts" at some stage over a weekend...........

He told me of course he does think about me and others, but that I needn't have concern because he is sure he is very balanced in this respect. He reminded me to think about my own experience with my previous clients and how I managed that, and that it was probably similar. (Not quite, as I was not a therapist, but yeah!)

I found it interesting, Ididitmyway, that you interpreted my expression about impact to mean "obsession". I am glad that I am far from obsessed, and would think most clients are not. For myself only I can say the impact relates to how the relationship(even calling it a relationship is progress for me) has helped me begin to make profound changes within myself, and therefore without also. I wonder why you saw it as obsession? I can imagine an obsessed client would pose a huge burden to therapists.......

I think I will talk with my therapist at some stage next year about the impact he has had on me, when I can formulate it in my own head......because I think quite possibly it will also help me to see just how far I have come.......possibly?

Thanks for clarification. I guess, I misinterpreted your question. Sorry.

Then my answer, of course, is different. No, we don't usually know what kind of impact we have on our clients and it's always good to know when the client shares it. If the impact has been positive, it's the greatest reward the therapist can get. Then there is a deep satisfaction from knowing that we have done some good work that brought some good results. If the impact has been negative, it is equally important for us to know (for me at least), because it's a great opportunity to learn some important lessons, take responsibility and by doing so to, hopefully, repair the damage to some extend.

[~Christina]

I think if you and you T have a good relationship that of course they are aware. T's are taught in training that they also have to keep "themselves" healthy...

Does your T think of you everyday while on vacation? I hope not, Honestly T's deserve just time to think about anything other than there clients. They have a life to live too.

That doesn't mean they don't care, That means they are "using" Boundaries.... the same boundaries they are often teaching us how to use or reminding us to use.