Couch 83: In a world where...

Okay. . . .

I am celebrating the end of my first day back at work with some extraordinarily good beer and a very good book. Am almost alone in the pub, and I notice that I have become something approaching a regular - the bartender told me she'd bring my beer to my usual table. It feels nice to be a regular here, it's a nice pub with very nice staff, good food, and an excellent beer selection. (I realise I sound as if I'm always drinking, but in reality I seldom drink alcohol more than a couple of times a week. I enjoy good beer, good wine, and good whisky, but I avoid intoxication, because I don't like the feeling of being intoxicated.)

I like this discussion! Thanks SD.
Me, I'm okay with being cared-for - on my terms. If a therapist tries to force me into the mould of their idea of the kind of care I need I'm going to shut down and fight them every inch of the way. The kind of care I need involves being listened to and having my opinions respected. If my T can do that, then I will allow myself to be cared-for. He seems to be doing a decent job of it for the most part, and if he ever effs up, I'm pretty quick to tell him to BTFO. Being cared-for doesn't mean losing power and autonomy for me. If anything, it's the exact opposite - I'm with Lolagrace on that one...
Where is the original article btw? Somebody mentioned it was sickly sweet... So I do see the point, I can't stand syrupiness either...

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I can certainly see that perspective. When I post my thoughts, it is by no means intending to discount any other perspective.

That sounds heavenly Mast...

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Sounds amazing. I'd probably prefer a coffee shop to a pub simply because I don't like noise. But I would love to be able to stop at a coffee shop after work, with a book... Oh wait... I work at home and have two kids here bugging me. lol. It'll never happen, but I can dream i suppose.

Apparently people are always surprised at how bad my depression is. My PDoc emailed my T (they're in the same clinic) and because he wanted to understand what my situation was better. He said I was engaging and even laughing. My T explained it to him, but my pdoc isn't the first one to react like that.

Is it so hard to believe that I've lived with depression long enough that I don't want to walk around moping? I just compartmentalize my depression. I still feel it, but at the same time, I can laugh at a joke even if the laughter is kind of surface level.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

Yes I am similar to you in that respect, so it makes total sense to me.

I have also tried explaining to my pdoc that while the depression sucks, my anxiety is a much, much worse feeling for me. I don't think he gets that, tho.

It is extremely cold here and the dogs are wound up but don't want to be outside in the wind. One is running around with a squeaky toy - he is so happy about it but the squeaking is doing me in. I shall try throwing it for him for a few minutes and then hopefully we can all go back to not squeaking.

Yeah. I think my PDoc believes me, or at least, I'm grateful he reached out to my T for confirmation, but even so, I'm like, "Seriously? Do you not work with depressed people?"

My T says a lot of depressed people mope. Idk. Maybe I need to mope more??

I think my pdoc focuses more on my depression vs. anxiety since I see him only for meds...and there are many more options for depression vs. anxiety meds (in theory...except that I have had an awful reaction to most all of them). I think he thinks my therapy might help my anxiety (yeah, right).

Maybe your pdoc was just trying to understand how you (specifically) deal with being depressed? Because just as we are discussing here, I do think people handle it very differently.

One of my Ts has commented on people who walk around with "a dark cloud of depression" over their heads...and said that I was not one of them. He also said that I don't really complain (not sure if that's moping exactly, but it made me think of it). I know for myself there is stuff I still have to take care of regardless of how I feel, so I focus on that a lot of the time. I also had to work for quite awhile feeling like absolute crap and got used to faking it day after day...it was exhausting, but I got used to acting like everything was "fine."

Hey Granite, how did it go yesterday?

My sessions have been really intense. I am trying to stay in control of myself while dealing with stuff with my mother. T used the "trigger" word a lot. I hate that word. However it is true that things that are happening with her are hitting old stuff and I am having pretty horrible memories and flashbacks. Things are just hard right now.

Ha! I've had the same situation with meds. I get reactions to most of them or they don't work at all. Sucks majorly I really only see my PDoc for meds too (I was commenting to my T that my PDoc has this effing huge office in the agency, with a couch and everything and he only uses like the tiny section where his desk is - the couch is way, way over on the other side away from his desk. My T joked I should go lie down on his couch next time I see him LOL).

Yeah. I don't have the cloud either. People are always asking how I cured my depression and I'm like, WTF? Uh. No. Not even close to cured. At all.

My T says I try to control how I feel. Maybe that's part of it.

This was true for me as well. I functioned extremely well in front of people and would go back to my office and just sit there with my head on my desk. I would go home and take care of the kids and then just crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.

Even when I broke my arm and thought I was doing a good job of telling the hospital people that I was in great pain and needed help, I was apparently not acting appropriately. I was told I did not act like someone with a broken arm (apparently because I drove myself to the hospital and was conversing with them calmly). Then, despite me saying my pain was a level 8, and I was in significant pain, they did not offer anything for the pain. When the doctor finally showed up and was in disbelief that the nurses had not given me pain medication, the nurse shrugged and said, "she didn't act like it hurt." The doctor was yelling at her -- "it is completely broken! It hurts. You cannot expect everyone to react the same way to pain." She just shrugged again.

That's terrible!

That nurse sounds like a sadist.

You should lie down on the couch, lol! My pdoc's office is very large so I feel like I almost have to yell across the room...it's kind of awkward.

I have generally found that people are clueless about the well-being (or not) of other people if it's not something physical and obvious that can be seen.

And I have control issues, too.

Yes. I've not been dealing with depression nearly as long as yourself, but I definitely hide it the same way. I laugh and put on a show for others. I save my depression for myself.

How many more comedians have to sui before they realize... - okay, quit pointing at me, "just one hankster, that should do it, thanks for volunteering, gee youre great!" Very funny youse guys

I'm hilarious. It's how I deal with pain, even physical pain. When I was birthing my last child (no meds), in between contractions (and even pushing contractions), I'd crack jokes. I always tell people, the more I make you laugh, the more in pain I am. It's a weird coping mechanism, I know.

Hmmm. I should lie on my Pdoc's couch Oh that would be so hilarious.

Eventually there were some days I would just start to cry at my desk (those were really bad days). I often wore a warm sweater with a hood because it was FREEZING in the office anyway, so then I would just pull the hood up to partway hide my face. I am sure when I finally took FMLA time people talked, but I really didn't care.

And wow re: the nurse treating you that way...that's terrible. I would have started getting really angry at about the point when they didn't offer any pain medication! I have had to wait for pain meds when I was going through the ER for kidney stones...they were asking me a billion unimportant questions and I could barely speak it hurt so much...and I have a high tolerance for pain.

I just made successful char siu pork belly buns. Red bean curd is some really odd stuff and I left the pork in the marinade a bit more than the recipe called for - but delicious.

Yeah. This. I'm finding myself doing a lot of ranting lately about things that should be obvious. I'm another one who'd be cracking jokes in the middle of the apocalypse. How do people cope otherwise? I don't get it. If I couldn't find something to laugh about I probably would be sui... My depression has been classified as mild/moderate. I call bs on that. I'm practically the poster child for ignoring pain. I nearly didn't make it to the hospital when I was having my daughter because I wasn't sure if I was in labor or not. Well, this hurts, but it's not that bad... Story of my life...

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mkac, I'm sorry things are so hard.

I have T tomorrow, first session after the break. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I survived Christmas and New Years, but am not sure I'm happy that I did. I feel kind of dead inside.

And Stopdog is making me hungry again...

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