Small update

As some of you know I've been feeling quite suicidal lately and had an emergency session with T yesterday. Well she put me on a small dose of dipiperon and I can't believe how much this is helping. I've taken it last night, slept well and didn't have any bad thoughts until an hour ago when it started wearing off. So I think she found me a good temporary crutch even though it may not help forever....

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I'm glad the medication is helping! I'm even more glad you went to see your T about the suicidal thoughts. What's your plan from here?

I'm also glad I called her and that she could seek me so quickly. We put a safety plan in place which includes the meds, spending the weekend with friends, calling or texting her before I do anything stupid and not being allowed to act without talking to her first. If needed I can be admitted the same day, but she doesn't think I need that at the moment.
I also have to show up at her office on Friday to make sure I'm safe.

That's for the short term, next session we'll work on a long term option.

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very positive update

thanks for sharing

This is all very positive. What do you think made the difference? She's known you've been sliding for a while, was it the fact that you finally told her how badly you're really doing?

I think the fact I called and asked for help played a big role. She mentioned how this is atypical for me and that when I do reach out she knows the situation is serious.
I also went into details about some of my thoughts and she told me that if I really meant what I just said she had to call an ambulance for me. We worked out that these were only thoughts and that because I'm afraid to act on them I'm not likely to do so.
And I finally let my guard down and let her really see my pain.

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This is a huge step forward. I'm really glad you took it.

It really is and I'm also glad I've done this.
But now I'm pretty scared about my future because T isn't willing to let my fear of my family's reactions get into the way of my treatment. Yesterday when we considered being admitted I told T this may hurt/disappoint my mother and that being this selfish scared me. T replied that my mother doesn't support me and that I need to do whatever I need to get better without thinking of anyone else...

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This sounds really positive!

I am so glad you have had some relief with the meds, and that also you have a solid plan of attack if things go up **** creek.

Keep posting and let us know how you are.

Today's a bit tougher and I still haven't told my friends what's happening. All they know is I'm on new meds and needed to get out of the house. And now my friend's parents are here so I don't think I'll be able to have an honest conversation with him today.

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Can you let your friend know you need to talk, away from everyone? Maybe he can carve out some time away from his parents. They won't be there all day, will they?

As you may know there were some shootings in Paris last week. My friend is a journalist so he's currently at a march with his wife while I'm here with his parents and children. I'll try to talk to him when he comes back if he's in the mood.

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Oh boy. I didn't know your friend is covering the story. Well...play it by ear when he gets back. I'm glad that you're there, though, and not home.

He's not covering the story as he lives near Luxembourg and not Paris. But as the head of the newspapers local office he felt like he had to go and demonstrate which I fully support. I would have gone too if I had felt well enough to handle the crowd.

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So I've very briefly talked to my friend about the situation, or more exactly he made me talk about it. It was almost 9PM and I was still sitting on their couch knowing I had to leave but not wanting to, when he said: You don't want to go home, do you? You can stay here if you want, and go to my GP tomorrow so you get a doctor's note for work.

I was a bit taken aback, and told him that I saw T on Friday and she actually gave me the option not to go to work this week but I declined as I didn't wannt to stay at home. So my friend has offered me to stay with them for a few days if I want, and told that they have nothing special planned this week, so I can show up at their door at anytime.

We briefly discussed going inpatient as he has BPD too and has done it in the past. He asked to think long and hard about it as it's not all positive. But I know T is not fond of in-patient programms and if she ever recommends it for me, she will have very good reasons for doing so and will find me the best care available.

As for today, well I'm ok for now, getting ready for work. But I'm a bit worried as I can still feel last night's meds effect and I worry about my ability to drive. Driving to work should be ok, it's relatively short, but I was supposed to drive for work today and I may have to tell them I can't. I will see how the drive to work goes and decide after that.

I'm so glad to hear that your friends are there for you. But I'm confused...did you go back home, then? Or are you staying with them for the week? (Can't tell from this if they live close enough to where you work).

It sounds like there's been a significant shift happening as a result of reaching out. Keep it up! And keep posting here.

Sorry, you're right I didn't say but I came back home last night. They live about an hour away from me and a bit more from my job. With rush hour traffic that would easily be a 2 hour commute, no way I'm doing that. And you're right reaching out really triggered a significant shift that I didn't imagine at all. I was so convinced to be on my own with these thoughts and that no one could or would help me and here I find myself having all the support I need.

Spending the weekend with my friends was really helpful and I will try to be more honest with them in the future. Maybe I'll explain them the whole story next time I see them.

Today was also my first day back at work since telling them I needed to leave because of an emergency with "my horses". Well no one believed that one... When I got there I was still a bit out of it because of the Dipiperon I took last night and asked if there was a way I could not drive today. That wasn't possible and my supervisor told Main Boss about my "meds induced hangover". I was really concerned when I was told main MB wanted to see me, but it was actually positive news. MB was concerned about my safety and offered me to stay home a couple days so I can rest while my body adjusts to the meds.
I didn't tell him what I'm taking, but he vaguely knows that I've suffered from CSA (no details), that I often get stress related migraines because of this and that I see someone because of all this. He has no precise diagnosis and doesn't know T is actually a Pdoc, but apparently what he knows is enough for him to be as helpful as he can be.

Sorry for the long update, but I didn't have any laptop all weekend and am enjoying my full keyboard.