[ThisWayOut]

I see my new t for the second time on Wednesday. I'm having trouble figuring out what to talk about next session. I'm really struggling with the content of some flashbacks, and feel a really pressing need to talk details with her about it ASAP (in hopes they let up a bit). But wrapped into that is a bunch of background info that I would want her to have, and some things that I found helpful from a t when I start to dissociate. I also kinda want to express some fears about talking about the flashbacks, as well as concerns about being back at this agency. The thing is, I'm afraid if I don't talk to her about the flashbacks, they will just get worse. I'll end up getting myself in trouble and referred out (being my second go-around with this agency that generally only provides one shot at brief therapy, I have a feeling I will be referred out the minute I even hint at being "unstable").
so how can I cram all this stuff into 50 minutes and still get enough time to cover everything I need to cover? Also, it takes me a long while to be able to get to important things in session, and I'm sure she has more "housekeeping" stuff of her own to address as this is only the second session.
Help. I really want to make this work more effectively this time around.
thanks.

[kaliope]

as your concerns are your flashbacks, i would just start talking about them, damn the rest of it. if back ground information is needed to understand it, then she can ask questions enough to get the gist of what you are saying. otherwise just get out what you need to about what is bothering you about the flashbacks. you may want to express yur concerns about being referred out if you talk about them first.

[puzzclar]

This is the obstetrical that we all face, what first? Here's my thoughts.

1) if it is in regards to sui or si,, that's first
2) fears about flashbacks
3) how to cope with flashbacks
4) then after a skill set is determined, then deal with the flashbacks.

Having the tools to help in telling about the flashbacks is very helpful.
Your T can tell what is worse, or what is best to be talked about. I can tell that you are fortune telling that the flashbacks could get worse, they could, but they could also decrease by having coping skills to deal with the day, then the flashbacks can be dealt with.
Good luck.

[archipelago]

If you really feel a pressing need to talk about flashbacks and feel that that kinda of talking has helped in the past, then by all means lead with that. However, I have had moments where I have also had to make a decision about whether to go into the trauma work or take a step back first to among other things set up safety, which with a brand new therapist would be rather remarkable if you had that established already.

That was just a hunch I had. But now I've looked at material that is pro-trauma work, but not for its own sake necessarily since it can just retraumatize if the the safety and working through are not set up for it.

I am saying very general things that may not apply to your specific situation and history so disregard if not helpful or off the mark.

[ThisWayOut]

All good considerations. Having been there before (ended this past summer), she has access to notes from my previous therapist there (saw someone else for 4 months in between). I have the skills to get through the day if the flashbacks are not very overwhelming. Once they hit a certain point though, and I'm cooked.
There is no real sense of safety yet with this particular t, but there is with the concept of the agency. They deal exclusively with sexual assault and child abuse issues. I've recently realized I think I would be ok speaking with *anyone* at the agency about the flashbacks because I am trusting they have a better concept of how to deal with them than a *general* t would. I'm close to blurting out the details of them anyway every time I open my mouth lately, so I may just introduce that as something I really need to talk to her about asap (hopefully I can say some of it Wednesday, but if not details, maybe just talking about what they are about will help). My other worry is that I tend to have trouble putting that stuff away once it's "opened"... though lately it's always "open".
The sh and sui stuff tends to be an unintentional distraction for me. It's always there to varying degrees. The closer I get to talking about the trauma stuff, the louder it becomes. It's just easier to talk about that stuff than it is the reasons behind that stuff. In talking to the clinical supervisor when I asked to return to the agency, we agreed that is not intentional, but I distract via crises. It's something the agency and the t are aware of, so we are trying not to get side-tracked more than is necessary to assess and maintain safety. Their expectation (and my own) is that I will do everything in my power to keep safe, or ask for help with it.
I guess with new t having access to old t's notes, she will also know some of the history, though not with specifics because there are very few specifics in the notes.

I guess I want to tell her what helps me to ground before I push my way into the stuff that causes dissociation. So maybe that first? Then talk about the fears around the flashbacks, and hopefully get into the flashbacks a bit? I fear if I don't open up about them, they will continue to intensify the way they have in the past. Not talking about them when the internal push to disclose was this intense has landed me inpatient before. I know it's not guaranteed to go the same way, but so far things have repeated themselves...
I know this all may be pointless at the time I reach her office and find again that I'm stuck and cannot utter any words...
am I putting too much pressure on myself?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Is talking to a crisis line an option for you? If so, maybe you could talk to them about the flaskbacks while you better establish your relationship with your T? Or would that just be more of a risk for a crisis?

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Is talking to a crisis line an option for you? If so, maybe you could talk to them about the flaskbacks while you better establish your relationship with your T? Or would that just be more of a risk for a crisis?

I'm not quite sure... T's agency has a crisis line that they always say to call "if anything comes up", so that would be a possibility, but I'm also really bad over the phone. I actually almost called them Saturday night because the flashbacks were so overwhelming, but I didn't want to be *that needy* right off the bat. I'm trying to keep the annoying neediness contained to the session time at least for the moment...

I think if it comes down to calling their hotline to spill about the falshbacks or head to the ER, I would prefer to call the hotline, but I want to try doing it in person first.

I've been "sitting on" these flashbacks and their content for the past 6 months. I didn't talk the T I had seen here about it because she was leaving and we were working on termination. I tried to talk to the T I saw after her, but that T didn't really know how to approach it nor did she give me the impression that she was comfortable talking about it. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with this stuff. It has just kept intensifying over the past 6 months...

You sound so panicky. I could hardly understand everything that's going on; had to read your posts twice. Can you take anti-anxiety meds to help you get through this?

am I putting too much pressure on myself?

Yes, it seems like it from the outside. I understand fearfulness and thought maybe you are catastrophizing like I do?

I have a feeling I will be referred out the minute I even hint at being "unstable").

I don't understand. If they are trying to help you, why is it bad to be unstable?

Big calm (((hugs)))

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by mian síoraí

You sound so panicky. I could hardly understand everything that's going on; had to read your posts twice. Can you take anti-anxiety meds to help you get through this? no. I don't have any, nor do I have a way to get any...


Yes, it seems like it from the outside. I understand fearfulness and thought maybe you are catastrophizing like I do? most likely. I do that when I get anxious about something. add to that my feelings of having done something wrong by asking to return to the agency, and the impact of the flashbacks, I'm probably way past catastophizing and on to full-on "yup, there goes the planet"... :/


I don't understand. If they are trying to help you, why is it bad to be unstable? because they do trauma therapy, and will not do it with anyone in crisis. i get it on one end, but also hate it. crisis is my default setting when things get overwhelming (trying to work on that), and addressing trauma is overwhelming. BUT they are one of the only places around that will address trauma (at a community resource level)... and they specialize in csa. so I don't want to screw up my second chance at this.

Big calm (((hugs)))

I'm also feeling a lot of internal pressure to address these flashbacks. They are highly disturbing. I have no real idea if they are accurate, but they are very intrusive and overwhelming. There have been a few times this week where I almost mentioned details to family or friends, and I am certainly not ready for that. I don't want to point fingers if I don't know for sure it's accurate. BUT I know I need to address the topic with someone. I'm not sure how much more I can handle them at this intensity.

And maybe I want validation that it's ok to dump all this on a new T, because I need to dump it somewhere safe real soon.

[JaneC]

Like someone said, if you feel the pressing need, and you also feel a level of trust in the service as a whole, then maybe it is a good idea to offload the details to your T before you do head in to a real crisis?

Maybe you could pre warn the T that you need to do this, because you recognise that you do not want to head into a crisis? Would it be an option to send the T a copy of some of your posts as a way of doing this, and so they could understand where you are at?

I'm sorry it has got to such an overwhelming level and I really hope you can find some relief soon. Take good care of yourself. Kind

[ThisWayOut]

They don't do email there, but I have been thinking about leaving her a message saying I needed some help in talking about something really difficult next session. It's easier with accountability (and with me warming them, lol)... I just have not had the courage to leave the message yet. I figure I have through tonight.

[ThisWayOut]

I see her later today. I have not left a message or anything. I think I will print out one of the journal entries from this week, as well as take in my art journal (so much easier for me to communicate like that). I hope I can talk, but I'm going to try to go in without too many expectations. If I don't get to talking about the flashbacks today, and they get really bad again, I will try to call the hotline they have. At least that way, I get the support I need and she can get the info from the call.

I'm trying not to let myself get worked up about today. Just gonna keep breathing... o_O
if Anyone is available for a bit, I could use pocket riders.

Thanks.