[ScarletPimpernel]

Just venting/processing/reflecting.

Saw my T today. She always helps calm me down and bring me back to reality.

We had a few laughs at the beginning. I wrote her an extremely angry and sarcastic email last week that compared my relationship with my T to my relationship with my Pdoc...demonstrating how my Pdoc's words and actions aren't consistent. I basically told my T that her and I are no longer allowed to hug and I have to address her as Dr. X because we needed to have a "healthy professional relationship". So we were joking around making fun of my email (which looking back was hilarious).

Then we got down to business...Pdoc situation. After a lot of discussion, we figured out that my emotions are not the problem. Yes, I'm dealing with a loss, but that pain was inevitable. My issues with my Pdoc is the lack of consistency. So if/when I see her before her maternity leave, the things I need to address are what am I doing wrong (in her opinion) concerning my boundaries and attachment, and why did she change her boundaries so drastically. I don't care if she changes her boundaries or not. But I need consistent boundaries. I need clarity.

My T told me I have a few options. 1. Go to my appt (if there is a next appt). 2. My T calls her. 3. I write my Pdoc a letter. 4. I email my Pdoc. 5. I don't allow my Pdoc back into my life. Well, option 5 can always be an option. Option 2 isn't the best because my Pdoc might view it as manipulation. 3 and 4, well...I'm supposed to work on verbal communication. So I'm left with option 1: seeing my Pdoc one more time if possible.

I'm so scared. I don't want to go through another painful session with my Pdoc. My T thinks important to though. She said that I have a unique opportunity to go back and try to figure out what went wrong because of the nature of the relationship. In most other relationships, once there's a rift, there's usually no going back. Plus, maybe my T is right that it was just a bad day for my Pdoc. But it's going to be a painful session no matter what because I'm basically going to say goodbye. So if there is no resolution, no closure, I will be left in more pain than I already am.

I'm thinking about emailing my Pdoc to give her a head's up; to communicate how important one more appt with her is to me. My fear is that she'll see it as me being too dependent or attached. But she already said she would try to fit me in so I can see her one last time. So it shouldn't make a difference stating why it's important, right? Ugh! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her. Having BPD, it's supposed to be the other way around

My T believes me that I don't want to manipulate my Pdoc. But she feels that if I don't confront her that I am only hurting myself. That I'm causing myself to be stuck with this pain of feeling betrayed, abandoned, rejected, and not understood. My take is that my Pdoc meant everything she said, so there's no point in trying to gain clarity. I did express to my Pdoc my pain and confusion already. My T says that I was in a very shocked and emotional state that I might have not communicated clearly enough, but now that some time has passed, I'm able to look at the situation more rationally (part of that is thanks to all here on PC who have provided me with support ).

I asked my T about my level of attachment to my Pdoc. She doesn't think it's extreme. I asked her if she found a doctor that she really liked and trusted if she would want to remain with that doctor. She said she would. I told her I don't even think about my Pdoc btwn appts. I also told her that my Pdoc texting my T was stupid. I told her it would be like her husband texting me on behalf of her. What good does that do? She laughed...and reassured me she wasn't going anywhere.

This whole situation just sucks. I'm not SI'ing, I'm using my coping skills when I need to and when I don't, I haven't backed out of this DBT group thing, dealing with my fears with county and people, I have my own random problems in life (water heater leaking, mouse in the house, sick dog, sick 92 yr old grandma-in-law who is being sued, mom who isn't taking care of her diabetes, mom getting married this year, etc, etc, etc.), I'm trying to get out of the house more, I'm trying to work on my physical health, I'm losing my Pdoc, and trying to keep myself out of a crisis/hospital. It's a lot for me to handle. I feel like I'm falling apart. My T reminds me I'm actually not falling apart, but in fact coping. I know she's right. The emotional pain is just overwhelming and this is such a struggle for me.

We also talked about how I'm feeling stuck in life. She said that's actually a good thing, and I should take the time to reflect on what I want in life and focus on taking care of myself. I explained that it's difficult for me to figure out what successful looks like for me. Most people follow typical goals: go to college, get a job, get your own place, get married, have children. I can't follow that path due to my mental health. I don't want to have too high of expectations and then fail to meet them. And I don't want to live my life the way it is. I don't know where that middle ground is for me. It's frustrating.

We ended the session with a hug, as usual. Except she joked with me again about my sarcastic email asking if I was sure a hug is appropriate

I kinda just want the next 6 months to be over with. I'm tired of the unknown. I'm tired of the fear and the pain. I need my Pdoc to go on her leave so I can grieve her loss. I need DBT to start so I have an idea of what it will be like and how I will cope with it. And I need to accomplish this and many other things so I can make progress on my dream to be a mother. I know I will survive all of this... I just want everything to start already so I don't have to sit in this pain any longer.

Sorry for the novel. I just needed to vent/express everything. I just need to know that someone out there understands. Or even that someone is listening. I'm not looking for any solutions. The only solution is to keep trying and to keep living.

Btw way, please please please, don't write that I have transference. I do not, my T agrees I do not. When I read that, I feel frustrated and misunderstood. While attachment and transference are similar and often coexist, they are two different things.

[guilloche]

(((ScarletPimpernel)))

I will try not to give any advice (sometimes hard for me!) - but did want to put in a word of support. First, good for you! I'm especially impressed with your ability to choose to do what's "good for you" over what's easy (i.e. talking to pdoc yourself, instead of asking T to do it). That can sometimes be such a difficult choice.

My T today was talking about the need to "pat ourselves on the back" for doing good things, so I really hope you can see and appreciate the things you're doing right, both with your T and pdoc, and with coping with all the crazy stressful things going on right now. All that stuff would be hard for *anybody*, and it sounds like you're finding healthy ways to get through it. Awesome - definitely back-patting-time!

I also think (again!) you're so lucky to have such a smart, good T that you are connected with! I hope that one day I can feel that way about my T!

When does DBT start?

Hang in there!

[unaluna]

I feel ya! It makes you ie me REALLY grateful for times when life is less complicated. I told my t recently, i need to move out of reactive mode - always feeling like im putting out fires - to proactive mode - doing stuff i want. At least im more in an active rather than in an inactive mode

[ScarletPimpernel]

Guilloche -
You can give advice

When does DBT start? No freaking clue!!! Ugh! County... They were supposed to call me, but haven't yet. I did call the T who did my intake and left her a msg asking if she could get me information like start date, what module I would be starting with, and about when the end date will be. I also asked if she would call me back and not the DBT T because I don't trust the DBT T...yet.

I know that I am lucky to have such a great T. I wish I could share her with everyone...least the people who would find her beneficial. Then again, I wouldn't want to know anyone who is seeing my T I do hope you can develop a good connection with your T. Just keep trying! I know you're struggling atm with your relationship with him. And I totally relate to feeling overwhelmed by the idea of DBT. But it can't hurt, right? It's just learning and practicing skills.

I do struggle with "patting myself on the back". Even today my T was talking to me about the progress I've made. She says I'm too critical of myself. But I do admit that I have come along way when I think back to where I was just 2 years ago. It's funny, I get upset when people put high expectations on me, but I do it more to myself than anyone else does. Self-reminder: stay in the present!

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by hankster

I feel ya! It makes you ie me REALLY grateful for times when life is less complicated. I told my t recently, i need to move out of reactive mode - always feeling like im putting out fires - to proactive mode - doing stuff i want. At least im more in an active rather than in an inactive mode

Lol. That's what I told me T today about my anger with my Pdoc. At least with anger I'm expressing the pain; whereas with depression I'm holding the pain in. Of course then she had to remind me that anger is a secondary emotion which is probably covering up the depression. Still...expression is better than wallowing

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Guilloche -
You can give advice

LOL - careful what you wish for ! Seriously, I don't think I have any - it sounds like you're doing really well and making good decisions. Oh - other than to pat yourself on the back (which I guess I kinda snuck in there!) and you know... it's ok to sometimes take a break, turn off the phone, close the curtains, whatever... and do something nice and relaxing to take care of YOU. You know... "me time!". Especially in the midst of the all the stress and craziness, if you can find a tiny little bit of time/energy to do something that will help you *recharge*, that could be good. (But ignore this if it feels like pressure... like when my T told me my homework was to do "three fun things" and I freaked out!)

You saw me post about the DBT class then? You know what, when he started talking about it - I totally thought of you, and everything you've been struggling with around the DBT stuff. It's funny how we can think we're being empathic... but gosh, when it actually happens to us, it sure feels a lot BIGGER!

But I'm not going to steal your thread here, nope! (Shhh... though I think you're right, learning skills sounds like it just might, maybe, be helpful!) As soon as I get out of chocolate-induced crazy jitters over this DBT thing, I'm sure I'll be making a whole other post just to deal with!

And... oh boy! They haven't given you the start date yet? Yikes. That kind of stuff drives me nuts! It's hard to make plans, and feel grounded, when people aren't providing basic, important information!

Thanks for the good thoughts about my T (and the wish to share yours!). Yup, still trying... and in all fairness, there's a lot that he does well, especially compared to previous Ts. Though I wish I could convince him to not start out sessions with his most serious face... the joking that you and your T did sounds like the perfect ice-breaker for me. That's exactly the kind of interacting that makes me feel comfortable and safe!

I do struggle with "patting myself on the back".

The secret is to use one hand, and pat the OPPOSITE side of your back (*ducking*). Sorry, couldn't resist. Every time my T talks about this, he tries to show me that "for humans, patting yourself on the back is hard" by taking his left hand, and trying to pat himself over the left shoulder. Silly T! I keep saying, "hey, try the other shoulder!" but I'm not sure it's sinking in !

But seriously, it sounds like you've made an amazing amount of progress in two years! Yay! (Said in my best, happiest, cheering-for-you voice!) I had one therapist that I saw for three years, and really, did nothing . So, I guess I'd say, "progress doesn't just happen because you go and sit with a therapist for 50 minutes every week - YOU must be DOING something to get those results, and that's worth celebrating!"

(((Yay, ScarletPimpernel)))

[scallion5]

It sounds like you had a really tough, but useful, session with your T and processed a lot! I wanted to let you know you're a really good writer. This post, and your others, communicated so much. You're also really brave to ask for what you need (clarity and consistency) from your Pdoc - good luck with all of this (and all the life stuff too!)

Scallion5

PS - I recently had mouse in house (well, my apartment) and it really sucked!!! So, I can relate. I have mice advice, if you want that at all.

[ScarletPimpernel]

You gave me no choice. I have to start with this:

Originally Posted by guilloche

The secret is to use one hand, and pat the OPPOSITE side of your back (*ducking*).

I was reading your reply so intently that when I got to this, I missed the pun. Omg. This made me crack up! That was so awesome. I completely needed a good laugh. Ty!

My T is always joking around with me. She'll even do it when I'm crying to cheer me up. I tell her she's taking advantage of the fact that my depression is atypical and not melancholy. She says she does it because she likes my smile and enjoys my personality. But it's not just her poking fun at me. We also make fun of her. I'm her only client that's scared of her, so she calls herself an evil monster and her office is hell. Even today she apologized for having a scratchy voice for talking too much. I told her it's her fault for choosing two professions where she has to talk a lot (teaching and therapy). I think joking around with someone provides a sense of authenticity and even a sense of safety. My family always tells people that you know they care when they make fun of you because otherwise they'd ignore you

Eh, advising me to take care of myself doesn't feel like pressure. When my T first suggested it to me, it felt so foreign. But now, it's part of my coping skills. Actually, I find it odd. For so many years people told me that I shouldn't take naps or sleep too much as it would mess up my sleep cycle. Now my T often advises me to go to sleep when I'm dealing with too much anxiety. Even my Pdoc has told me to take two of my Ativan to "knock myself out" when I'm in a crisis.

I have made my bedroom and my patio into my "safe" areas. When I sleep, I have my blackout curtains drawn, my salt rock lamp and white-noise machine on, and orange essential oil in a diffuser. And my bed has a ton of pillows and a down comforter. I also have candles I can light. I made my patio into a little garden with flowers and trees, a small table and chairs, a fountain, hummingbird feeder, and windchime. The patio is my T's fault She had me go out and buy a "butterfly" plant. Well, it was too lonely out there, so I just keep adding I also do many other things to take care of myself.

Of course I saw your post about DBT I actually read the posts I respond to I don't know why DBT seems so scary. If you break it down, it's basically CBT with Buddhist concepts. And it's not "therapy" really; it's a class (which you technically can't fail). I know the county aspect scares me. And the people! That actually terrifies me...seriously. But still, for some reason DBT just sounds scary. Maybe it's the structure? Idk. But I'm stuck with going, so I might as well make the best of it and try to gain something from it, right? And it sounds like you'll be in the same boat! We can paddle upstream together

Hmm. Talk with your T about starting session on a lighter note. Then you could bring in reminders for him: one day a feather, the next a flower, a cotton ball, a clown's nose. Lol. Idk. It would be kinda funny Make him a survival kit that helps remind him to relax a little.

Sorry for the weird ideas. I'm in a good mood for the first time in a month.

I have made a lot of progress in the 2 years. I just feel that at my age, I should have accomplished more. I think it's difficult for me because I have mental health issues, but I'm high functioning. I don't fit into the "normal world" and I don't fit into the "mental health world". I know I have potential for improvement, but I don't know how much my mental health will hold me back. I know I will never be able to handle a full-time job or go to school full-time. I don't even know if either is in my future. Intellectually I could do both, but not emotionally It's frustrating. And I've had people in my life who have told everything from I'm wasting my potential, I won't amount to anything, I'm just lazy, and that I could accomplish anything I want to. But none are completely true. My T, again, joked with me and told me that if I ever found someone who has their life figured out, to send them her way because she wants to know how So I guess for me, I'm on the right track and that's all that matters

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by scallion5

It sounds like you had a really tough, but useful, session with your T and processed a lot! I wanted to let you know you're a really good writer. This post, and your others, communicated so much. You're also really brave to ask for what you need (clarity and consistency) from your Pdoc - good luck with all of this (and all the life stuff too!)

Scallion5

PS - I recently had mouse in house (well, my apartment) and it really sucked!!! So, I can relate. I have mice advice, if you want that at all.

Thanks for the response!

And thank you for complimenting my writing. Would you believe in h.s. an English teacher tried to kick me out of her class because she thought I would fail? I love writing, but I only found out I was good at it when I went to college. I actually wound up tutoring other college students in English. I think I learned the most from a teacher who wouldn't give anything but As on papers. So you either got an A or it was an F. Of course, you could turn it in multiple times. The reason she graded this way was so that we could learn what an A paper actually looks like. My T, on the other hand, prefets me to limit my writing since I excel at it, but struggle with verbal communication

The mouse... Poor thing. It was a cute little field mouse. He's gone now. My step-dad filled the kitchen with traps. I don't mind pet rats and mice, but you just can't have a wild one running around the house.

And thank you for thinking I'm brave for asking my Pdoc for what I need. It's either that or I'm stupid I don't really think I'm either. For me, it's that I truly care about my Pdoc. That and my old habits really haven't worked for me. It's like "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results". Well, I don't want to lose my Pdoc, so I have to do something different. People will unintentionally hurt other people. So if I run away from everyone, I'll be all alone. I've been there and don't want to feel that again. So I'm taking a huge risk. I just hope she sees that I'm taking this risk.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Here's the email I sent to my Pdoc:
_________________________________________
[Pdoc],
I have been processing our last appointment with [T]. My last appointment with you was extremely difficult and emotional. This whole situation is extremely difficult and emotional for me. I want you to know I am trying my best to cope.

I know that I may or may not be able to see you one more time before your leave, but I want you to know that I would greatly appreciate it if I can. I left our last appointment with a lot of disappointment, confusion, and grief. I don't want that to be what I remember for the next 6 months. I understand though that there might be no other option.

I have no intention to manipulate you into changing your decisions about anything. I respect you and accept everything you said. I would, however, like to get some clarification from you so I can have a sense of resolution/closure.

Please, I hope you can empathize how difficult this is for me. It affects my relationship with you, but I know it is not caused by you. This will be a loss for me even though I know you're coming back. I feel grief, rejected, abandoned, confusion, betrayed, and not understood. You cannot take those feelings away because they stem from my past. My initial reaction was that I no longer wanted you as my psychiatrist. I wanted to run away from the pain (I still do). But with the help of [T], I realize that even though that's the easiest option, it might not be the healthiest. Maybe you can help me by allowing me to process this situation with you so I can understand your perspective?

I don't want to address my main concerns through email because I'm supposed to be working on verbal communication, and I feel it would be more beneficial to have an in-person conversation if possible. But I wanted you to be aware of my hopes if I do get to see you one more time.

I hope you can understand and I hope I've clearly communicated myself in this email. I think understanding your perspective could be a healthy way to help support me during this difficult time.