Myself to T

I feel the need to share more of my past especially with T. Ive been reluctant for so long due to shame, denial, and knowing what it means. I know now looking back I am most likely bipolar. I've been in deep depressions most of my life but I do have times days, weeks of thinking I'm happy.

During those happy times there's drugs and sex and a lot of money spending. I spent to the point I had no money left until I got paid or stole. During the depressions I was very much into SI.

Some advice would be helpful since I have a tendency to hold everything in. Thank you.

Hi monkeybrains21

I understand why you may be reluctant to disclose things with your T from your past. If that's something you want to hang out on right now that's your decision.

I think the more pressing issue is your concerns about bipolar. Without an official diagnosis you can't get appropriate treatment. I'd suggest perhaps bringing this one up so you can possibly get an assessment.

Let us know how you go.

I've been hanging on to it all for almost 3yrs. I know I should tell especially to get a diagnosis especially since I'm on meds it's just so hard I physically cannot speak the words face to face or even speak about the things I've done and the things done to me. Not to mention the things i don't even recall but was til by a friend.

I know many consider a diagnosis a label, but sometimes it can be helpful. The problem with self-diagnosing is you could be wrong. Then again, so could the doctors

You think you might have bipolar, but the symptoms you listed are criteria for many diagnoses. Everything you described I can relate to, but I don't have bipolar; I have BPD. It could also be some sort of ptsd, generalized anxiety, atypical depression, or a combination. How to tell the difference? The combination of symptoms and the cause/onset.

If you struggle with opening up with your T, maybe you can try writing or drawing? Writing has helped me, and I kniw a lot of people here find art a great way to express themselves.

What's the difference between bipolar and all the others?

Ummm. I'm no expert. I can only offer you my "understanding".

BPD: caused by genetic predisposition and childhood trauma (trauma has MANY definitions). It should not be diagnosed until an adult because the symptoms are similar to typical teenage issues. Criteria include: fear of abandonment and rejection, idealizing and devaluing relationships, unstable self-image, impulsivity, SI/SUI thoughts, mood swings, feelings of emptiness, problems with anger (rage or suppression), and stress related paranoia or dissociation. You only need 5 out of 9 for the diagnosis, but depending on when and how the symptoms present, you could still be diagnosed with borderline traits. Bascially though, BPD means that you have a delay in your emotional development. So a 20 year old might have the emotional capacity of a teen. A 30 year old might have the emotional capacity of a 20 year old. (People with BPD do catch up with emotional development with or w/o help, so it's not a death sentence if you have it ).

I'm not going to go too much into the others because I really haven't researched much.

PTSD - similar symptoms, but caused by a traumatic event that doesn't have to occur in childhood.

C-PTSD - prolonged exposure to trauma, disempowerment, captivity, or entrapment with loss or lack of an escape.

Bipolar - genetic, cycles of elevated and depressed moods

Atypical depression - actually the most common form of depression, characterized by improved mood in response to positive events.

Here's a site with good explanations:
Out of the FOG

I think it's probable that you will find it a huge relief to tell.

Hi Monkeybrains. I remember a while back you were completely manic, so yeah...please talk to a psychiatrist about those symptoms. It could be bipolar or something else, but it was off the hook. Maybe print that thread and give it to a pdoc and your therapist?

I hope you find a way to share more of your experiences with your therapist. And be careful, too, so that you can handle the emotional fallout post session. If you can swing it, schedule two a week until you get through it. If I remember correctly, you gave her something in writing and it was very hard on you. (If I've got that wrong, I'm sorry, but your posts really stood out for me.)

Ur right when I have her my book I was a wee but off hinged so to speak for a bit. It was nerve wrecking and I felt so awful. It was weeks before I got it back and I don't remember exactly why. I've been going once every other week but my insurance will cover once a week now so I'm to tell her next week.

I'm not sure what I'm more uneasy about: emotional fallout or just opening up. I've always had to keep to myself cuz there was no one to tell other than hospital social workers and I wasn't about to tell them squat. Ive always felt that it's all my burden to carry and no one else should know. A lot of it makes me feel so awful. Y was I so weak? Y me? Y was I so impulsive? Y did I let that happen? These r the questions I always have running through my head. It's y I wake every night multiple times, it's y I'm awake now.

If bipolar is genetic then that's can't be it since no one in my family is bipolar. Pdoc thought bipolar first time we met but then did a hmmmm. I dunno. I've got to find a dr to do a medical evaluation and see if anything is medically wrong and then probably a psych evaluation. I jus need to get this under control so i don't lose my job.

BPD: caused by genetic predisposition and childhood trauma (trauma has MANY definitions). Criteria include: fear of abandonment and rejection, idealizing and devaluing relationships, unstable self-image, impulsivity, SI/SUI thoughts, mood swings, feelings of emptiness, problems with anger (rage or suppression), and stress related paranoia or dissociation.

C-PTSD - prolonged exposure to trauma, disempowerment, captivity, or entrapment with loss or lack of an escape.

thanks for the information scarlet. I think I may have C-PTSD but am awaiting further diagnosis. they don't want to diagnose BPD yet either as I'm only 16. I met a girl in the unit who has BPD and we have very similar backgrounds, but I am not sure whether I 'qualify'.

Maybe I should tell my story all I it here and just get it out?