[MASIMO]

My Ex-T is traveling the world and has a blog for family and friends. He kindly let me into his blog. No one posts to his blog publicly as he has asked them not to. I didn't know what to expect. Maybe a post from him once a week from India, China. He is a photographer so loves to send photos.

Well, he posts EVERY DAY! Everyday I look forward to reading all about what he is doing, where he is going, eating, photos. It's wonderful, I am very fortunate he gave me this access. However, in trying to grieve the end of our therapy relationship, It's hard.
He is ever present on my mind, every day he comes into my life. In ways he never used to personally. He left things with me that we will hopefully form some kind of friendship, but he will always be my T to a degree. I'm not complaining about the blog, but I am continuing to maintain a close attachment to him. Thought I would be learning to live without him, and that would be the work I would be doing. I eagerly await for his next post. There is no way I would want to go a day without checking it.
I guess he really didn't abandon me after all.

[HazelGirl]

I had someone really important to me leave suddenly, and it hurt so badly. In order to move on, I eventually had to stop reading his blog, unfollowed him on Twitter, and basically cut all contact. It is a bit better now.

[precaryous]

I'm so glad for you!
I'm still in contact with PrevT By email and phone, but not by a daily blog! ..oh my!

I'm happy you are finding benefits in this extended relationship.

[MASIMO]

The daily blog continues...he just sent amazing photos from hiking the Himalayas.
I sent him an email with a photo of me attached.....just in case he forgot what I look like I'm bad. I look forward to each day receiving his blog, and I need that right now, but at the same time, the obsession with him continues. I keep wondering what things will be like when he returns, no daily blog, probably very little contact. So I should prefer the way things are now...as hard as it is to stay engaged with his every move. I'm doomed.

[meganmf15]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

The daily blog continues...he just sent amazing photos from hiking the Himalayas.
I sent him an email with a photo of me attached.....just in case he forgot what I look like I'm bad. I look forward to each day receiving his blog, and I need that right now, but at the same time, the obsession with him continues. I keep wondering what things will be like when he returns, no daily blog, probably very little contact. So I should prefer the way things are now...as hard as it is to stay engaged with his every move. I'm doomed.

You will have to grieve the loss of what was and will not be again.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by meganmf15

You will have to grieve the loss of what was and will not be again.

I must grieve this loss, his support, his voice guiding me, sigh.......
but a new relationship is developing and I dont know what it will look like.
He called me at 3:30 am the other night, he is in Nepal and probably forgot the
time difference. I couldn't/wouldn't answer his call at time of night. So I sent
him an email asking for him to contact me this weekend at a specific time.
Dont know if this will happen. All I know is after his call, I couldn't go back to sleep
and felt my mind on him constantly for a day or so. It awakened the feelings of
abandonment, and my need for him. I long to see him/talk with him online.
Feel like I'm on a seasaw, trying to grieve the old T, and at the same time trying
to accept this new unknown connection.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it sounds a bit like he's not being very considerate to your feelings at the moment, especially given the transference you have talked about. Phoning at night for example; it sounds like you're not getting the space you need. I sense from the tone of some of your comments you are starting to feel that way yourself.
Did you say you have a new T? What do they think about the way old T is acting? Is there an element of unresolved countertransference involved?
I hope you are given the necessary space to grieve MASIMO. It's such a painful loss

[Froggy57]

Masimo....noooooo!

OK, no two experiences are the same, but I stayed in contact with a wonderful therapist after she left the profession. Two years later, we were talking friendship. It has been ten years since. I wouldn't give up the blessings for anything, but it has been anything but easy. First, you find out the real person behind your therapist. They are more human than you think and sometimes have issues as strong as your own. Then you struggle to move from therapist to friend because you will miss the therapy aspect of the relationship, but they know EVERY thing about you, and you haven't actually been in their life. I had to remind myself that she was no longer my therapist, and stop myself when I would pick up the phone as if she were. There are certain expectations of your therapist. The sessions are all about you. Now you have to accept that the therapist may exhibit emotions that you never saw in therapy because it would have been unprofessional. If you are both willing to stretch, then a relationship could work, but it really means stretching to grow, and personally I think it may backfire the majority of the time. I understand now why there are rules for professional boundaries. I have no regrets and like I said, our friendship didn't develop until two years after she left the profession, but I would NEVER recommend it to anyone. On the other hand, I have probably grown tremendously through all of our struggles, so even the struggles are a blessing.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by Froggy57

Masimo....noooooo!

OK, no two experiences are the same, but I stayed in contact with a wonderful therapist after she left the profession. Two years later, we were talking friendship. It has been ten years since. I wouldn't give up the blessings for anything, but it has been anything but easy. First, you find out the real person behind your therapist. They are more human than you think and sometimes have issues as strong as your own. Then you struggle to move from therapist to friend because you will miss the therapy aspect of the relationship, but they know EVERY thing about you, and you haven't actually been in their life. I had to remind myself that she was no longer my therapist, and stop myself when I would pick up the phone as if she were. There are certain expectations of your therapist. The sessions are all about you. Now you have to accept that the therapist may exhibit emotions that you never saw in therapy because it would have been unprofessional. If you are both willing to stretch, then a relationship could work, but it really means stretching to grow, and personally I think it may backfire the majority of the time. I understand now why there are rules for professional boundaries. I have no regrets and like I said, our friendship didn't develop until two years after she left the profession, but I would NEVER recommend it to anyone. On the other hand, I have probably grown tremendously through all of our struggles, so even the struggles are a blessing.

Just curious, did your friendship begin 2 years later because of regulations/ethic rules?
How much contact did you have when you ended therapy and what kind?

[Froggy57]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

Just curious, did your friendship begin 2 years later because of regulations/ethic rules?
How much contact did you have when you ended therapy and what kind?

Ethic rules and regulations were never even discussed although I believe the use of the word "friendship" was reserved, even if unconsciously, for that specific time because of those rules. At that moment of my life, I had been so damaged the previous two years by therapists and doctors following ethic rules, that to be with someone who above all else wanted to hear me for exactly what I was saying, rather than a compilation of their own experiences, meant more to me than any rules. I made an adult choice, so whatever the consequences, I could never go back and blame ethic rules. It was irrelevant to me.

We would go out to eat together, go to a movie, text regularly about small stuff, and when we would get together to catch up, we would talk for hours.

My situation is probably a little unique. How I met her, why she became my therapist, why she ended her profession all probably contributed to our becoming friends. I don't want to discuss her personal life, so I cannot really go into why it is so difficult. She has her own baggage, and learning to except your formal therapist as someone struggling just like you can be very powerful. I am a better person because she has been in my life; I believe we were meant to meet; but this has not always been an easy journey even if growth producing.

[MASIMO]

T blog day 65....read it every day. He and I emailed over the holiday. I initiated contact. Had a dream about him. Broke down in tears today. Because I could hear his voice in my memory. I listen to sessions I recorded with him. Just cant let him go. Im worried about obsession over him. Think if my new t was there for me between sessions. I might start to unattach from ex T. But he wont offer that as he doesn't want to encourage dependency.

The blog will end in four months upon his return. What then?
I honestly dont know what to expect from our relationship. To go from weekly contact to daily blogs then to little contact at all. Feel like a ping-pong. And I am doing all this to myself. He is in my head constantly. Dont know what to do.

[Petra5ed]

S41t, I'm sorry masimo. It's funny because I'd love to google my T and actually find something but on the other hand I've stopped googling finally since I never do, which is for the best really... I bet I would be just as obsessed in your shoes. Have you discussed this with your new T?

[MASIMO]

Day 67 Blog from India....nice photo of him, he has lost weight, looks good.
I'm trying to look at this time as a transition. On one hand I am so in contact with his every day activities, yet not in contact with him physically. I cant reach out and touch him, cant hear his voice, cant see him for weekly therapy. He lives electronically and in my heart. So, this period of time should help me unattach myself from him as my T, as the real person in front of me while at the same time have a means of contact I never had before. This should help me right? The next phase, will be when he returns in 4 months. I will no longer have him as my T, I will no longer be able to read his blog, see photos of him, I will be a what? Friend....never. Ex-patient. I don't know where that puts me. I cant go over to his house, I cant attend a party with him, meet his family. He has a live in woman partner he loves and has been with for 15 years. I cant be part of that world of family and friends. But, He said he would keep in touch with me when he returns. So I am imaging an occasional email. An occasional call. Maybe a chance to meet for coffee. I don't know what to expect, but I don't think it's going to be enough for me and I don't want to stalk him (ha ha)

I don't want to tell my current T about the continued contact or even his blog. My Ex T seemed concerned about me doing so, as he thought the new T would have issues with that. That somehow it might interfere with current therapy. I told him that it wouldn't be a problem for me and that I don't plan to mention it. It's not that I'm trying to keep a secret, it's that its none of new T's business. I think he would have issues with it . He already bashed my Ex T about his loose boundaries, and I think he is blaming my feelings of love that developed on that. So I don't feel I can be honest about everything him, all he knows is that I'm having a hard time grieving over him
in the present. And I don't know what the future may bring.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

My Ex-T is traveling the world and has a blog for family and friends. He kindly let me into his blog. No one posts to his blog publicly as he has asked them not to. I didn't know what to expect. Maybe a post from him once a week from India, China. He is a photographer so loves to send photos.

Well, he posts EVERY DAY! Everyday I look forward to reading all about what he is doing, where he is going, eating, photos. It's wonderful, I am very fortunate he gave me this access. However, in trying to grieve the end of our therapy relationship, It's hard.
He is ever present on my mind, every day he comes into my life. In ways he never used to personally. He left things with me that we will hopefully form some kind of friendship, but he will always be my T to a degree. I'm not complaining about the blog, but I am continuing to maintain a close attachment to him. Thought I would be learning to live without him, and that would be the work I would be doing. I eagerly await for his next post. There is no way I would want to go a day without checking it.
I guess he really didn't abandon me after all.

I follow his blog every day. It comes to me automatically. He has been gone 109 days. We keep in contact by an occasional email. Like new years. So I get email from him titled 'reaching out'.
I think of reaching out when I need support. So it wasnt like a hello. He said, 'Masimo, it's been too long. He had to refer to seeing or talking with me. This really grabbed me.....he must be missing me.
He said when he returns in the spring he would like to see me. Take the special ocean walk we did before he left.
Now he's a shrink. Knows I have feelings for him so is he leading me to believe he does too. He has retired so being friends is possible but not likely. He will always be more than that. This is a little confusing.

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I follow his blog every day. It comes to me automatically. He has been gone 109 days. We keep in contact by an occasional email. Like new years. So I get email from him titled 'reaching out'.
I think of reaching out when I need support. So it wasnt like a hello. He said, 'Masimo, it's been too long. He had to refer to seeing or talking with me. This really grabbed me.....he must be missing me.
He said when he returns in the spring he would like to see me. Take the special ocean walk we did before he left.
Now he's a shrink. Knows I have feelings for him so is he leading me to believe he does too. He has retired so being friends is possible but not likely. He will always be more than that. This is a little confusing.

How do I interpret his reaching out comment. And that its been too long??? Does this sound like he has feelings for me?

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I follow his blog every day. It comes to me automatically. He has been gone 109 days. We keep in contact by an occasional email. Like new years. So I get email from him titled 'reaching out'.
I think of reaching out when I need support. So it wasnt like a hello. He said, 'Masimo, it's been too long. He had to refer to seeing or talking with me. This really grabbed me.....he must be missing me.
He said when he returns in the spring he would like to see me. Take the special ocean walk we did before he left.
Now he's a shrink. Knows I have feelings for him so is he leading me to believe he does too. He has retired so being friends is possible but not likely. He will always be more than that. This is a little confusing.

How do I interpret his reaching out comment. And that its been too long??? Does this sound like he has feelings for me?

[wotchermuggle]

Could it be that he was just saying that he was glad you reached out to say hello? Is he coming back to work as a shrink?

[MASIMO]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Could it be that he was just saying that he was glad you reached out to say hello? Is he coming back to work as a shrink?

He sent me the email. He was reaching out. He has retired.

Perhaps it's best to enjoy what you have and not need to define it...

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

He sent me the email. He was reaching out. He has retired.

What are you going to do?

[MASIMO]

I simply don't know how to be friends with him. I guess I cant speculate what our relationship will look like. I know he wants to see me, stay in contact with me but I don't know if that is going to be twice a year or twice a month. I will have to wait and see how our relationship evolves. I'm getting a divorce, so I am very confused right now about my feelings. That's not going to help. Whatever I do, I don't want to push him away....any contact with him is better than none. I trust him, and respect him, so I will follow his lead. As much as I want to be with him in a relationship, as much as I think that would be screwed up, I am not going to rule anything out at this point.
I'm just going to keep loving him, and accept whatever hand is dealt as hard as that will be.