Is it ever appropriate to ask your therapist personal questions????

I wonder if the fact that I don't really know what it would mean to think about somebody in terms of single/cohabiting/parent/childfree etc shows some fundamental flaw in me. Not just T, but people I actually know as well. Sometimes people tell me gossip about mutual friends who have entered into a relationship or broken up or had children, and I am really bad at remembering that stuff. (Kids especially.) To me, a person's relationship status is not part of their identity, and it is (almost) never interesting to me. I guess that makes me messed up.

I think it is interesting sometimes to see how a person's relationship status is part of their identity to them. So when I remember such things it is not because it matters to me but rather because it seems to matter to the person I'm engaging with–particularly when dealing with the idea of or existence of children

Every one is sharing really fantastic experiences and ideas. But everything is from the client's point of view.

The last couple of weeks I have gone to DocJohn's Tuesday chat. I didn't have good a question, I just went to listen. Now I have a good question. Is it ever appropriate to ask your therapist personal questions and if yes, when, and what? Come to chat if you want his answer. http://forums.psychcentral.com/calendar.php?do=getinfo&e=2&day=2015-1-6&c=1 Yes, I have Fun In Chat and Am Promoting It.

I haven't asked my T any real tough, personal questions, hardly any. But early on in my therapy, I was closed up like a clam. She finally said that her read on me is that, in order for me to open up and trust her, I may need to know more about WHO she is as a person. I'd never thought of it that way, but she was right. Because it helped.

I'm not the nosey type to ask, but I honestly believe she'd probably answer any question I asked her.

I haven't asked my therapist anything personal. I just said that I'd heard most therapists are a mess in their personal lives, but that I just wanted her to have it together during my sessions. I like her a lot, though, so I feel I know enough.

I have joked with other people, Not my therapist, about how I saw her.... As far as I am concerned she is not human, has no feelings, and she is there just to help me. sometimes I wonder if it is in fact a joke

Sure I think you can ask whatever you want so long as you are prepared that your therapist may not want to share the information. Of course it depends on how personal the question is and your T's style, but that doesn't mean you can't ask. I've never asked my T or pdoc personal questions outright but there's nothing I want to ask that hasn't somehow been shared by them either directly or indirectly.

I don't think it's inappropriate to ask anything honestly, but I do bet some T's would answer some questions and some not. Mine has told me if I'm curious ask, and if he doesn't want to answer, he won't. I hold back on some of my questions though, because some of what I want to know is just too personal

I'm the same way... except I don't hold back. I just go for the jugular!

My motto, as per usual: If you don't ask questions, you don't get hurt.

On occasion I ask personal questions (via text always) and she answers. I appreciate her non- rejection sooooooo much (well what I perceive as non-rejection). I think she has a pretty good read on me and just knows that not answering my questions would probably cause me lots of pain.

The better question is if it's appropriate for the therapist to answer personal questions asked by the client. As a client you can ask anything you want, but the therapist doesn't have to answer your questions if they are personal.

Whether it's advisable, appropriate or ethical for the therapist to answer personal questions depends on whether the therapist believes that his or her answer would be therapeutically beneficial for the client.

If the therapist feels that answering the question would benefit the client, he or she should use self-disclosure wisely and sparingly. Excessive self-disclosure may become an ethical issue because it can indicate that the therapist is trying to fulfill his or her own emotional needs rather than attend to the needs of the client'

Cross culturally, sober may also have different definitions.

In my part of the world, an awful lot of people drink a heck of a lot. Enough to be considered alarming in America. But, we're not dependent on alcohol (it's for business/ pleasure) so not fulfilling the criteria of 'functioning alcoholics' either. Although there are a lot of these too.

Tonight I've had six pints of beer and two shots, and that's a light night. When I'm working full time and the champagne and wine are flowing generously and I'm expected to socialize two or three nights a week, it can be a lot more - and I don't really even get drunk.

My point is, it might be less openly acceptable in the United States, but your therapist (or anyone) could easily be concealing a heavy drink habit and clients would be none the wiser. You never know.

I, personally, wouldn’t ask such questions because this is about their private lives. I would think it's none of my business so would respect others’ privacy too (Ts included).

That being said, it is not wrong for you to ask but be aware that they might not answer, for whatever reason. i would weigh in how hurt/upset you’d be if they refused, before asking. Would also be interesting to analyse *why* you’d want to know such personal details - which they might want to discuss with you.

I would most certainly not judge a T who doesn’t respond as a bad T though. Everyone is entitled to have their ‘secret garden’ - being a T doesn’t mean one has to be transparent.

I tend to think it's important to ask the questions, whatever they are, whether the T answers them or not. It opens up opportunities for self-reflection, as well as helps the T to know who we are and how we think. My T was pretty open; a family photo in his office, so no mystery there. He almost never offered information, but I don't ever remember him not answering a direct question. I didn't struggle with issues of trust, so never felt compelled to ask factual questions as a way of knowing him better; I felt I knew him well from our interactions. But I would often ask him specifics about how he parented his kids, as a way of assessing how common or uncommon my memories were. Those questions also helped me to experience him as a father which was important to me.

I was gonna give pretty much this answer...

Great minds think alike

short term no, long term yes. it's natural to be interested as therapy is such a one sided relationship the majority of people are not used to.

Thank you all

I have made assumptions about my Therapist.
I guess I just want to know if these assumptions were right.

She has shared personal stuff in passing. Like she raised her kids the next town over from me and she has grandkids. But this stuff came up in regular conversation. I don't think I've ever come right out and asked her a direct question.

No that is a lie.

I so had to know her reasoning when she told me she brought her cat to the shelter where she had gotten him years before. I am a diehard animal lover and thought less of her when I learned she had given up an animal. It took a week of me obsessing over it, but I asked. Talking about it made me feel a bit better.

Everyone's replies are preparing me very well for when I do ask questions. And yes as of right this minute, I will be asking questions.

Thank you all.

Tuesday's Q & A with DocJohn

emwell2 asked "Is it ever appropriate to ask your therapist personal questions and if yes, when, and what?"

docjohn:
emwell... Depends on the therapist and the nature of the personal question. Some therapists will allow for some, as long as they aren't *too* personal... others may be more unfcomfortable with them

2/3/2015

Em thats what everyone else said!!!!Bravo PCers!!!!

I didn't read ALL of the replies, but just to add my answer.... when I first started seeing my T (last May), I was SO closed up and scared. This was a whole new experience for me, and it terrified me. I'm quite sure when I DID look at T, I always had a skeptical look on my face. I didn't know her. Why should I trust her? One day she said that her read on me is that I will have a hard time trusting her unless I know more about who she is as a person. She started self disclosing a few things, but above all else, told me I was more than welcome to ask her questions. I haven't asked her many....but those I have asked, she's answered without hesitation, never needing to psychologize anything and find out WHY I wanted to know these things. Just in my last session, I asked her if she's been divorced. Not only did she answer yes, but she told me "twice." Considering that possibility in my life is mostly what brought me in there initially, it was helpful information for me to know.... that she's not just talking out of a text book, she's BEEN THERE. Twice. (and she's married a third time)

Hello Again!!!!
I just returned from therapy. I had every intention of asking her my personal question question, but I never got the chance. Due to yesterdays fiasco which you can read about here http://forums.psychcentral.com/gener...ly-option.html I did not have the time to ask my question. I was so busy dealing with other things that I did not have the time to memorize moogieotter's suggestion in order to prepare myself for the question.

That being said I feel very comfortable waiting to ask if it is appropriate for me to ask. I also may have the opportunity to get another clinician's input before I ask my T. My T will be away for two weeks. She always asks if I want an appointment with someone else and I always say no. This time I said, "the way I am feeling right now, my answer has to be Yes I would like an appointment with another clinician. I 'accidently' met one this morning I immediately "clicked with" and need to know if she is available. I also need her to read what I have written (I gave my T a thing entitled "a bit about me"), so that she is not entering a session with me blind." So I will use this opportunity I have been given to get another clinicians opinion on what is and isn't appropriate to ask a therapist.

I am allowed to ask my t anything i want, there are rare occasions when she dont answer, but mostly she does.

Hello again
I was on the phone with therapist unexpectedly. Out of my mouth came, "Can I ask you a question?" She said, "You can ask." So I asked a question. I did not get the answer I expected, but I think I got a better one.