anxious

going to see T in 2 hours. am so nervous. always get like this before i go. dont know what to talk about. its not like i dont think and journal and self analyse between sessions but i end off having to look through all those thoughts before i go to see if ANY of them are about things i can actually talk about. or even if theres somewhere i can start to take a small risk. every session is like trying to force myself to take just one more tiny risk. but they re so tiny!! when does it get easy and no longer a risk to just talk for gods sake!?! sigh. i think i ll ask her if its ok to just talk about whats on my mind even if i dont know what use it is to talk about it. i imagine i dont need 'an agenda' in mentioning something do i? its ok to just talk about something for the sake of talking about it rather than needing a reason to say everything?
i guess i also want to talk to her about the conversation we had last week after the session. about the connection in that.
i dont like what im wearing. might have to change. sigh. not sure what to change into though.
the journalling ive done this week is waaaaay too personal to share. i did want to journal on some less difficult stuff and maybe show that to her but i didnt get round to it.
maybe the risk i take this week will be to talk about my smoking stuff recently and feeling so spaced out because of it and what thoughts and realisations thats brought up. thats a pretty big risk. or at least it feels like it. what if she gets mad? what if she demands i stop? what if she wont talk to me until i do? what if she makes me go somewhere? what if shes upset with me? argh. shutting up now.
ok shutting up in a second. maybe i should do some relaxation stuff before i go? breathing and such? that would calm me down but maybe it would take the edge off the anxiety too and that would mean i dont push myself so it could be a total waste of a session? is it better to be calm going in or in touch with what im feeling? which is anxiety at the moment. and shame. and vulnerability. and disgust. and fear. and frustration. and a bit of anger. and desperation. sigh again.

Hi Biiv, personally, I think calming yourself down is a good idea. When I see my T. I make a list of what I want to talk about--then when I am in there I go with whatever feels right--I just pick something off the list that feels right. If you are having problems with smoking, I encourage you to talk with your T about it--thats why they are there--to help you overcome these issues. I know my T. would never fire me or berate me--she would try to help me quit. Good luck, I hope everything goes well.

Hello Biiv.
I agree calming down is a very good suggestion at this time. What would be wrong with talking to your therapist today about how you are feeling at this time, and saving the past experiences until another time while you are this anxious. I hope everything goes well today at your therapist appointment. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

thanks depressme. think ive decided to spend 20 minutes meditating, then reread some of the thoughts i want to share and then the 10 minute walk there. it should be ok. i find it a bit hard to have a list that includes enough things that are ok to talk about. lol. its so ridiculous i get so scared of going when i like her so much.
anyway thank you for the feedback and for reading my babbling.
take care

hi Soidhonia. thanks for reading and replying.
ive decided to try some relaxation alright. im always this anxious - often worse - and i always have trouble talking so maybe i should try something different by relaxing. the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and all. lol
hope to be able to pop into chat with you soon.
take care and thank you.

biiv - I know it can be really hard. I was sending my T an email yesterday and I just started shaking. I hate it when I get so anxious. Relaxation is a good idea. Let us know how it goes. (((())))

Hey Biiv... I remember last week you said it was an amazing session. I wish you the same this week. Please let us know how it turns out!

Biv, I picked up a stress relief cd that I absolutely love and listen to know every night. My son finds it relaxing too.

You can find it at Target probably near the hallmark type cards. I'll see if I can find it on line for you...

I used one of those the other night when I was too agitated to sleep. Knocked me out in about 15 minutes, it was fantastic.

I'm sorry I wasn't around before you saw your T. I hope it went well.

biiv, i hope it went well for you. please let us know........love, pat