[precaryous]

In two days it will be the anniversary of when PerpT "exploited" me. Intellectually, I know I shouldn't allow him space in my head. I don't know how to deal with this twenty years later. I feel hatred.

Early on, my subsuquent T to him told me I had to choose- she wouldn't remain my therapist if I continued to see PerpT. I thought about it and told her I would remain her patient but I wanted to keep PerpT as my lover. She hospitalized me.

I remember in the hospital-being in such pain and confusion that I kept a short, encouraging note she had signed and left for me- taped next to my bed. I would cry, go to sleep, wake up and see her note, "Keep on going, Pre. Dr. ****"

I would read the note and say my new T's name over and over because she was my only tiny ray of hope.

No human being should be able to hurt someone like that.

Comments welcome. I guess the question is, how do you get Perps out of your head? How do you deal with the anniversaries?

Just want to say, thinking of you. Sounds like a difficult time.

[ThisWayOut]

I have nothing helpful because I struggle with similar stuff, but thinking of you and sending strength your way.

[Ididitmyway]

Omg precaryos! I am so sorry..I know this hurts like hell..I had a somewhat similar experience and even though the overt sexual boundary had never been violated by my last "therapist", the emotional seduction and turning the relationship into God knows what (close friendship/the role reverse/mentor-mentee etc) felt on some level as a sexual violation..

It's been 3 years since this whole thing ended. I reported him and he was disciplined by the board. I also wrote an online review of him to warn other potential and current clients. It helped a lot in my healing. But the pain is still there and I suspect won't go away for a long time..I am doing relatively well though because I was able to recognize what was going on while I was still in that relationship and started preparing to exit it slowly and gradually to make it as least traumatic as possible...

You can PM me if you want to vent privately..

How much have you talked about it with your T? Have you talked through all your feelings and what happened, how you felt in the aftermath? Will talking about it over help more?

[Can't Stop Crying]

in august was the ten year anniversary of the last time i saw boundary crossing/violating
ex-t...anniversaries are always horrid...i did work through a lot of the stuff about former t with current t...it still hurts...i don't have any good advice....just know you are not alone...

[junkDNA]

hey pre

i know how ur feeling. i went thru the same situation. it will be 5 yrs soon since i reported him. the ways i deal with this is talking about it in therapy. my T and i have recently begun talking about it more and more despite my 4 yr effort to avoid it!!! but i have to say to finally talk about it to T now feels so relieving. i kept all of it inside for too long-- the guilt, the shame, the feelings of disgust for myself-- the hatred for my former T.. ive found it took me a long time to get from "i loved him why did i report??" to "i did the right thing. he took advantage of me and is a predator". what helped with that i think was mostly time. i know u said it's been 20 yrs , have u processed any of what happened with anyone?? i cant really talk about it to my mom or anything. it feels too uncomfortable. so thats why im glad i have my T to guide me and support me thru talking about it.

anyway i hope you come to terms with what happened. i know the struggle is so hard. remember that learning and growing and becoming healthier is not a linear path. there are ups and downs, progress and backtracking. im here for u

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Omg precaryos! I am so sorry..I know this hurts like hell..I had a somewhat similar experience and even though the overt sexual boundary had never been violated by my last "therapist", the emotional seduction and turning the relationship into God knows what (close friendship/the role reverse/mentor-mentee etc) felt on some level as a sexual violation..

It's been 3 years since this whole thing ended. I reported him and he was disciplined by the board. I also wrote an online review of him to warn other potential and current clients. It helped a lot in my healing. But the pain is still there and I suspect won't go away for a long time..I am doing relatively well though because I was able to recognize what was going on while I was still in that relationship and started preparing to exit it slowly and gradually to make it as least traumatic as possible...

You can PM me if you want to vent privately..

I am sorry to hear that you went through something similar. Just three years since it ended...it is still pretty fresh for you. I am glad you are healing and feel well.

I don't know what it would take for me to feel over it all. I received some justice, but not what I expected. Even if he went to prison (which he should have) I still hate what he reduced me to. To be honest, I google his name hoping I will find that he has died. I can't hurt him.

I talk about him in therapy. My hatred doesn't change. That's fine. I should hate him. My pain doesn't change. And I feel powerless to do anything about it.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

How much have you talked about it with your T? Have you talked through all your feelings and what happened, how you felt in the aftermath? Will talking about it over help more?

Hello Brown Owl,

Yes, I talk about it with T. I also email the T Who treated me while I was involved in all of this. I thought I have talked it out. Different things bring it all up again...like the anniversary. I'll talk about it in therapy some more. It won't change my circumstances or how I feel. But it must help me to vent about it..or I wouldn't. It also helps T know my state of mind, I guess.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

in august was the ten year anniversary of the last time i saw boundary crossing/violating
ex-t...anniversaries are always horrid...i did work through a lot of the stuff about former t with current t...it still hurts...i don't have any good advice....just know you are not alone...

I'm sorry this happened to you, too. It does help to know I am not alone and that there are people who get.

There are people who don't get it, and I'm very careful Who I talk to about it IRL. My mother's reaction was, "I hope you learned your lesson."

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

hey pre

i know how ur feeling. i went thru the same situation. it will be 5 yrs soon since i reported him. the ways i deal with this is talking about it in therapy. my T and i have recently begun talking about it more and more despite my 4 yr effort to avoid it!!! but i have to say to finally talk about it to T now feels so relieving. i kept all of it inside for too long-- the guilt, the shame, the feelings of disgust for myself-- the hatred for my former T.. ive found it took me a long time to get from "i loved him why did i report??" to "i did the right thing. he took advantage of me and is a predator". what helped with that i think was mostly time. i know u said it's been 20 yrs , have u processed any of what happened with anyone?? i cant really talk about it to my mom or anything. it feels too uncomfortable. so thats why im glad i have my T to guide me and support me thru talking about it.

anyway i hope you come to terms with what happened. i know the struggle is so hard. remember that learning and growing and becoming healthier is not a linear path. there are ups and downs, progress and backtracking. im here for u

Thank you for this. I went through those stages, too...of loving him, protecting him, not wanting him to go to jail...it was awful to realize he took advantage of me, that he was not a good guy, that he was a predator. Guilt, shame. I do feel quite stupid.

I understand about not being able to talk to family or friends about it. They blame me or think it wouldn't have happened to them, how could I be so naive? Well, he was a con man. He conned me. Aren't we taught from little on up to trust our doctors? If our parents don't know what's wrong with us, they take us to the doctor.

I used to give my trust away. Now people, doctors, everybody has to earn it.

Sorry, off my soapbox.

I am so mad! (Not at anyone on PC.)

[NowhereUSA]

I'm sorry. I can't imagine what that was like. I know that this past summer I realized how much I trusted my T and I freaked out a little because I grasped how easily it would be for him to take advantage of me and how easily I would give in I am very grateful for an ethical T.

I know you feel stupid and I don't think you are. I think we're built to need to trust and love and be open and there are evil people who will use that against us.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Thank you for this. I went through those stages, too...of loving him, protecting him, not wanting him to go to jail...it was awful to realize he took advantage of me, that he was not a good guy, that he was a predator. Guilt, shame. I do feel quite stupid.

I understand about not being able to talk to family or friends about it. They blame me or think it wouldn't have happened to them, how could I be so naive? Well, he was a con man. He conned me. Aren't we taught from little on up to trust our doctors? If our parents don't know what's wrong with us, they take us to the doctor.

I used to give my trust away. Now people, doctors, everybody has to earn it.

Sorry, off my soapbox.

I am so mad! (Not at anyone on PC.)

yes it makes it so hard to trust people who are supposedly there to help us when we were abused and taken advantage of under that same claim. it took me years to trust my T now. even going to see a doctor for something health related makes me nervous and have extreme anxiety. i understand the feeling stupid as well. but you arent stupid. you really arent.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by precaryous

I am sorry to hear that you went through something similar. Just three years since it ended...it is still pretty fresh for you. I am glad you are healing and feel well.

I don't know what it would take for me to feel over it all. I received some justice, but not what I expected. Even if he went to prison (which he should have) I still hate what he reduced me to. To be honest, I google his name hoping I will find that he has died. I can't hurt him.

I talk about him in therapy. My hatred doesn't change. That's fine. I should hate him. My pain doesn't change. And I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I just hope you will be able to find some way of processing your pain in such way that it can get released to some extend little by little..or to channel it into something that also might help it get processed and released..Some people find creative channeling helpful..like writing, painting..Some dark things can come out of it, but it's good because when they come out, they are no longer in your system.

I found bodywork very helpful and grounding, and also anything that helps me to go back into my body and to feel physically alive..walking barefoot on the grass or on the sand, being outdoors in general and getting a lot of sunlight..all these things take me out of my head and ground me..Every time I do it, the dark feelings don't have control over me and that feels good.

I think, if we want some healing to take place, we have to find some activities that facilitate it. It may feel like a little push and it's the last thing we want to do when we are in the dark place, but that push is necessary for the healing process even to get started. The conditions have to be created for our mind-body system to heal itself naturally, and that requires some intentional actions on our part.

Just talking to somebody, whether it's a therapist or anyone else, wasn't helpful to me. I tried many different things outside of therapy and they helped me much more.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I just hope you will be able to find some way of processing your pain in such way that it can get released to some extend little by little..or to channel it into something that also might help it get processed and released..Some people find creative channeling helpful..like writing, painting..Some dark things can come out of it, but it's good because when they come out, they are no longer in your system.

I found bodywork very helpful and grounding, and also anything that helps me to go back into my body and to feel physically alive..walking barefoot on the grass or on the sand, being outdoors in general and getting a lot of sunlight..all these things take me out of my head and ground me..Every time I do it, the dark feelings don't have control over me and that feels good.

I think, if we want some healing to take place, we have to find some activities that facilitate it. It may feel like a little push and it's the last thing we want to do when we are in the dark place, but that push is necessary for the healing process even to get started. The conditions have to be created for our mind-body system to heal itself naturally, and that requires some intentional actions on our part.

Just talking to somebody, whether it's a therapist or anyone else, wasn't helpful to me. I tried many different things outside of therapy and they helped me much more.

T and I are trying to find a way to release the pain. She has suggested art and writing, too.

I identify, also, with being in my head a lot. I like all the things you mention. It's winter here, now. Being around my young grandson helps. Sunday it was French toast, sledding, movies and popcorn.

Yes, it does feel like I need a little push- and you are right, most times when I am in depression, moving is the last thing I want to do.
Thank you.