[rainbow8]

I emailed my T last Monday that all my parts were satisfied because she wrote "love T". I thought she'd email back " great" or something. With our new agreement, she now responds to all of my emails within a couple of days. She didn't this time.

I emailed again because of a scheduling change, and also asked if she was busy, or didn't get my email, or maybe didn't respond because I said I was satisfied. She wrote back on Friday that she has been working really hard, and also because I said my parts were satisfied, and she said she was sorry.

My adult self understands and is fine with her reply. No problem at all. My T is a good T and I'm glad she is helping so many others. But little Rainbow is thinking: why did she have to tell me that she worked really hard? What does that even mean? She saw more people than usual? Other clients were challenging? It bothers me. I probably won't mention it because I don't want to jeopardize email again. My T would prefer not to email at all but she is doing it because I asked her. I also told her I wished she would sign her emails the way I want, and she did. I hope I'm not being obnoxious! She could have refused in both cases. Just wondering about stuff before I fall asleep....

[Miswimmy1]

I can relate to you in this way. My t goes out of her way to help me in the ways that I ask her to. I get very unnerved when my t mentions others clients or makes a comment about her busy life. I understand that being a t isn't the easiest job in the world and that it is inevitable that other patients have hard times (I know that I've had my share of them). But there's something nagging though when I am reminded that my t is only human and that I am not her sole focus. This sort of sounds like what you are describing, I think? (hug)

yes, it probably would bother me. it's one of the reasons i don't email/text my T inbetween sessions, so i don't put myself at risk of getting hurt.

The whole point of certain kinds of therapy is to ask for what you need, and to ask for what you want. From the feelings of asking, from the response, the feelings after the response, and possible exploration of said feelings came the safety and security I needed to move my life further along. Transference plays a big part without being mentioned. It's just done.

ETA: the adult rainbow8 knows that your therapist response makes sense and is perfectly logical. The adult you understands. The little you doesn't, because no one and nothing else should matter to her. Once that small part feels satisfied (it takes time) she will know it will always be there, and eventually the adult you will be able to give her the reassurance that is needed. Right now you are asking and getting it from your therapist and that's okay.

When a child has secure attachment, it doesn't mean that child's every need was met one hundred percent of the time, but most of the time.

Your satisfaction seems brittle? Maybe because when T is being 'who she is' and not as 'you would have her', ie asking her how you want her to sign emails, all the good falls apart. I think hearing the truth makes for a longer lasting satisfaction eventually.

It doesn't sound like all your parts are satisfied. Your parts seem to be trying to dictate how others (your T) should behave rather than accepting others' shows of caring as they are. Perhaps when you get to the point that you can completely accept your T (who is good and caring and attentive) as she is, then all of your parts will truly be showing they are satisfied.

She answered your question - you say that you asked if she had been busy, and she replied that she had. What if she had ignored your question? That would probably not have felt good, either.

I wonder if there is still an element here of your not liking the fact that we are our therapist's jobs. Your T was busy with other work instead of prioritising the part of her job that involves replying to your email. Do you think that might be part of it?

[unaluna]

No, i think i get it. My t always has the last word. Rainbow was saying thank you, and my t would have emailed back youre welcome. Just as standard t practice. Just to make me feel contained. Just to not leave me hanging out there. He doesnt have to decide for every interaction, he just has the last word on every interaction, period! Rainbows t made a value judgment for this interaction, saying okay rainbow is telling me she is okay, so i dont have to acknowledge it. But i like my ts way better. Do all the simple stuff. They can mess up the big stuff without even trying!

Originally Posted by hankster

No, i think i get it. My t always has the last word. Rainbow was saying thank you, and my t would have emailed back youre welcome. Just as standard t practice. Just to make me feel contained. Just to not leave me hanging out there. He doesnt have to decide for every interaction, he just has the last word on every interaction, period! Rainbows t made a value judgment for this interaction, saying okay rainbow is telling me she is okay, so i dont have to acknowledge it. But i like my ts way better. Do all the simple stuff. They can mess up the big stuff without even trying!

That is so true for many that deal with attachment issues.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I emailed my T last Monday that all my parts were satisfied because she wrote "love T". I thought she'd email back " great" or something. With our new agreement, she now responds to all of my emails within a couple of days. She didn't this time.

I emailed again because of a scheduling change, and also asked if she was busy, or didn't get my email, or maybe didn't respond because I said I was satisfied. She wrote back on Friday that she has been working really hard, and also because I said my parts were satisfied, and she said she was sorry.

My adult self understands and is fine with her reply. No problem at all. My T is a good T and I'm glad she is helping so many others. But little Rainbow is thinking: why did she have to tell me that she worked really hard? What does that even mean? She saw more people than usual? Other clients were challenging? It bothers me. I probably won't mention it because I don't want to jeopardize email again. My T would prefer not to email at all but she is doing it because I asked her. I also told her I wished she would sign her emails the way I want, and she did. I hope I'm not being obnoxious! She could have refused in both cases. Just wondering about stuff before I fall asleep....

Yes it would have bothered me because I wanted to be my therapist's only patient!! Just me, little Pam. Don't want to share her with anyone else!

What would bother me more are the "e-mail agreements ". If we make an agreement, then you better stick to it or I will have a tantrum.

The needy, clingy baby needs that I had for her- when those weren't satisfied -and they never could- that was a recurring problem for us. This was one of the many things that led to my terminating with her.

The needs that could never be met. Not by her. Only by me.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I can relate to you in this way. My t goes out of her way to help me in the ways that I ask her to. I get very unnerved when my t mentions others clients or makes a comment about her busy life. I understand that being a t isn't the easiest job in the world and that it is inevitable that other patients have hard times (I know that I've had my share of them). But there's something nagging though when I am reminded that my t is only human and that I am not her sole focus. This sort of sounds like what you are describing, I think? (hug)

Miswimmy, it's nice to see you around again! It's been a long time!! Yes, I guess that's it. I know logically she sees lots of people but it hurts. The child part feels abandoned.

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

yes, it probably would bother me. it's one of the reasons i don't email/text my T inbetween sessions, so i don't put myself at risk of getting hurt.

. It's not just about email, but I see your point.

Originally Posted by therapyworked4me

The whole point of certain kinds of therapy is to ask for what you need, and to ask for what you want. From the feelings of asking, from the response, the feelings after the response, and possible exploration of said feelings came the safety and security I needed to move my life further along. Transference plays a big part without being mentioned. It's just done.

ETA: the adult rainbow8 knows that your therapist response makes sense and is perfectly logical. The adult you understands. The little you doesn't, because no one and nothing else should matter to her. Once that small part feels satisfied (it takes time) she will know it will always be there, and eventually the adult you will be able to give her the reassurance that is needed. Right now you are asking and getting it from your therapist and that's okay.

When a child has secure attachment, it doesn't mean that child's every need was met one hundred percent of the time, but most of the time.

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel. I really thought the child part WAS satisfied, and then wham!! She feels secure that T cares, but.....idk, this attachment work is so hard for me, and T is doing her very best. I want to feel good and not hurt anymore.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Your satisfaction seems brittle? Maybe because when T is being 'who she is' and not as 'you would have her', ie asking her how you want her to sign emails, all the good falls apart. I think hearing the truth makes for a longer lasting satisfaction eventually.

Thanks, Mouse. Yes. T being "who she is" makes me cry. Ties in with FB too. Yet who she is. is also my wonderful T who is giving me safety, security and love I needed very badly and apparently didn't get.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

It doesn't sound like all your parts are satisfied. Your parts seem to be trying to dictate how others (your T) should behave rather than accepting others' shows of caring as they are. Perhaps when you get to the point that you can completely accept your T (who is good and caring and attentive) as she is, then all of your parts will truly be showing they are satisfied.

Thank you. When T wrote "love, T" my parts really did feel satisfied. That didn't totally disappear but I can see I'm still a "work in progress". I have to love myself, not depend on T, but her loving me is the catalyst.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

She answered your question - you say that you asked if she had been busy, and she replied that she had. What if she had ignored your question? That would probably not have felt good, either.

I wonder if there is still an element here of your not liking the fact that we are our therapist's jobs. Your T was busy with other work instead of prioritising the part of her job that involves replying to your email. Do you think that might be part of it?

Yes, I do. I know I'm T's job but I've always hated that fact. T has reassured me I'm not " just her job" and I believe her but bottom line is as you state it. That's hard for me.

Originally Posted by hankster

No, i think i get it. My t always has the last word. Rainbow was saying thank you, and my t would have emailed back youre welcome. Just as standard t practice. Just to make me feel contained. Just to not leave me hanging out there. He doesnt have to decide for every interaction, he just has the last word on every interaction, period! Rainbows t made a value judgment for this interaction, saying okay rainbow is telling me she is okay, so i dont have to acknowledge it. But i like my ts way better. Do all the simple stuff. They can mess up the big stuff without even trying!

Right, hankster. She could have written" Your email made me smile." She's done that in the past. But if I complain to too much, emails will stop. I don't want that to happen. I've GOT to be satisfied and I am usually. Her emails are great, and were supposed to be because my H is sick. Maybe I'm taking advantage. Seeing her every 2 weeks is hard too but I'm grateful she lets me pay what I do.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I emailed my T last Monday that all my parts were satisfied because she wrote "love T". I thought she'd email back " great" or something. With our new agreement, she now responds to all of my emails within a couple of days. She didn't this time.

I emailed again because of a scheduling change, and also asked if she was busy, or didn't get my email, or maybe didn't respond because I said I was satisfied. She wrote back on Friday that she has been working really hard, and also because I said my parts were satisfied, and she said she was sorry.

My adult self understands and is fine with her reply. No problem at all. My T is a good T and I'm glad she is helping so many others. But little Rainbow is thinking: why did she have to tell me that she worked really hard? What does that even mean? She saw more people than usual? Other clients were challenging? It bothers me. I probably won't mention it because I don't want to jeopardize email again. My T would prefer not to email at all but she is doing it because I asked her. I also told her I wished she would sign her emails the way I want, and she did. I hope I'm not being obnoxious! She could have refused in both cases. Just wondering about stuff before I fall asleep....

Yes it would have bothered me because I wanted to be my therapist's only patient!! Just me, little Pam. Don't want to share her with anyone else!

What would bother me more are the "e-mail agreements ". If we make an agreement, then you better stick to it or I will have a tantrum.

The needy, clingy baby needs that I had for her- when those weren't satisfied -and they never could- that was a recurring problem for us. This was one of the many things that led to my terminating with her.

The needs that could never be met. Not by her. Only by me.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Yes it would have bothered me because I wanted to be my therapist's only patient!! Just me, little Pam. Don't want to share her with anyone else!

What would bother me more are the "e-mail agreements ". If we make an agreement, then you better stick to it or I will have a tantrum.

The needy, clingy baby needs that I had for her- when those weren't satisfied -and they never could- that was a recurring problem for us. This was one of the many things that led to my terminating with her.

The needs that could never be met. Not by her. Only by me.

Thank you, Pam. I was replying so I didn't see your post on the first page. I didn't skip you on purpose in case you thought so. Yes! Everything you wrote is the way I feel too. I want to be my T's only client! Adult Rainbow understands the reality, though. My T continually works with me on taking care of the child parts on my own. It's hard to balance because those parts need T's love too.
The email agreement changed because my H got sick. I also have trouble keeping the connection with her since I don't see her weekly.I'd rather deal with it than her stopping email. Yes, I know T can't meet all my unmet needs but she believes that SE is helping, and that the physical touch and love are too. I agree. I'm sorry it didn't work with your former T. What orientation did she follow? Just wondering.

[CameraObscura]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

But if I complain to too much, emails will stop. I don't want that to happen. I've GOT to be satisfied and I am usually.

That jumped out at me. Is it possible that if you feel you have to tiptoe, or hide how important things really are to you, that you can't really relax and trust that your therapist is there for you? Maybe talk to her about that?

Feeling that that bothers me sometimes, and my therapist and worked out the five reasons he would ever terminate with me, what he would do if I started emailing too much, and he reminds me that I can say anything. I still struggle and push and pull against it (attachment problems over here). I still know I'm a job, and it's not comfortable, but I can whine and complain about it as much as I want if I need to.

What you describe would probably bother me some, and I'd talk it through next session -- and then something else would bother me, and we'd have to talk through that. I don't know where good Ts get the patience.

[pbutton]

I have had a similar reaction with my T. We talked it through, and in my case, it traced back to my parentification. If my parents mentioned being busy or stressed or having a lot going on, it meant I was supposed to back off from whatever 'problem' I was causing, and jump in to help them. So in my mind, I was reading that into T's comment about being busy.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by CameraObscura

That jumped out at me. Is it possible that if you feel you have to tiptoe, or hide how important things really are to you, that you can't really relax and trust that your therapist is there for you? Maybe talk to her about that?

Feeling that that bothers me sometimes, and my therapist and worked out the five reasons he would ever terminate with me, what he would do if I started emailing too much, and he reminds me that I can say anything. I still struggle and push and pull against it (attachment problems over here). I still know I'm a job, and it's not comfortable, but I can whine and complain about it as much as I want if I need to.

What you describe would probably bother me some, and I'd talk it through next session -- and then something else would bother me, and we'd have to talk through that. I don't know where good Ts get the patience.

Thank you. camera. You sound a lot like me. I do know that my T is there for me and I trust her. I also know that I can talk about anything. The problem with emailing is that I used to get disappointed with her responses. She originally said I could email as much as I wanted but she did not want to do therapy via email. So, we discussed what to do and mutually decided that I could write her but she wouldn't answer, except for scheduling.

That was better for me until a year ago when I had to reduce my sessions to every 2 weeks from weekly ones. Then my husband suddenly got sick with an incurable disease. When we were in the hospital, T started answering every email, and I asked if she could continue doing so, as I was no longer disappointed by them.

I have been fine with her responses for 7 months so I want to keep that up. If I can't handle disappointment in her emails, then we have to discuss what to do. Like you, my T and I discuss everything!

[stopdog]

I would not have thought the original email required a response back.
However, since the therapist said she would respond to all emails, then her not doing so is a bit odd.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would not have thought the original email required a response back.
However, since the therapist said she would respond to all emails, then her not doing so is a bit odd.

Thats kinda the point i was trying to make. My t doesnt decide case by case; he just has one rule - he gets the last word. But its a genuinely caring word. With my parents, it was a whatever word - who know wtf it meant. So yeah, my t is kinda treating me like a two year old, but hey i never GOT treated like a two year old - its kinda nice. No hemming and hawing. Just - here is stability and dependability. No questions asked. I feel like rainbows t is picking and choosing, and that makes it seem less stable.

Thats all - reasons for the difference might get into, how often does the client email, how often are sessions, etc etc - but thats beside the point of what makes it FEEL more or less stable.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you, Pam. I was replying so I didn't see your post on the first page. I didn't skip you on purpose in case you thought so. Yes! Everything you wrote is the way I feel too. I want to be my T's only client! Adult Rainbow understands the reality, though. My T continually works with me on taking care of the child parts on my own. It's hard to balance because those parts need T's love too.
The email agreement changed because my H got sick. I also have trouble keeping the connection with her since I don't see her weekly.I'd rather deal with it than her stopping email. Yes, I know T can't meet all my unmet needs but she believes that SE is helping, and that the physical touch and love are too. I agree. I'm sorry it didn't work with your former T. What orientation did she follow? Just wondering.

We did fairly traditional psychoanalysis (3-4/week, me on the couch). She was not completely a blank slate- she readily shared her feelings about most anything, including her love for me. She would not provide information about her personal life with one exception. When she went on vacation she would tell me where she was going. She knew I needed to know to stay connected and not go adrift.

I googled her extensively and told her. That's how I discovered that we shared a birthday!