My t can be very judgemental at times, and sometimes I can let it pass but this week was a very hard session and it hurt.
I was saying that my sister rings my mother every night, t looked disgusted and after a moments pondering she said "oh, how needy is she and you are so clingy to your mother" . I know my t is great at what she does and she has been of great help to me in my recovery but sometimes she says things that really are judgemental and make me hate my family. I know they are not perfect but they are my family and they are all i have. I know the right thing to do would be to say it to her but I find myself holding back because she is so great in other ways.

[Middlemarcher]

It's tough to hear things like that about your own family sometimes. Hopefully, because your T is so good in many other ways, maybe eventually you will feel safe enough to talk about this with her?

[unaluna]

Try to look at it as, she is saying this for YOUR benefit, not to gratify herself by judging your family. I cant really guess why she would say this, but i would say that it is important for you to say out loud whatever you are thinking or feeling, without holding back too much. I mean, i try to be polite and not sarcastic with my t, but i would feel free to question him without thinking it would harm our relationship.

[anilam]

Yeah good or no good I would not pay for a T constantly treating me this way.
I guess I'm biased because I am highly judgemental of myself and sometimes it carries of onto others and no way is this helpful. I personally need to learn to be more understanding and compassionate. Like yeah, while I find it peculiar for anyone to call their parents daily instead of judging I might want to think about why she does that? Can it be helped? And more does it even need to be helped?
I feel like labeling your sister needy is
A a big jump since she doesn't know her (only hears your side of story, could be for several reasons they chat daily)
B none of her business
C not helpful to anyone.

[magicalprince]

Yeah that seems bery unprofessional of her. Skilled or not, she deserves to be called out on this because it is obviously causing you some stress.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

My t can be very judgemental at times, and sometimes I can let it pass but this week was a very hard session and it hurt.
I was saying that my sister rings my mother every night, t looked disgusted and after a moments pondering she said "oh, how needy is she and you are so clingy to your mother" . I know my t is great at what she does and she has been of great help to me in my recovery but sometimes she says things that really are judgemental and make me hate my family. I know they are not perfect but they are my family and they are all i have. I know the right thing to do would be to say it to her but I find myself holding back because she is so great in other ways.

That sort of comment would piss me off frankly.
Also, I don't think it's odd for your sister to ring your mother every day, plenty of people have strong relationships with their parents and call them every day/every other day. What's wrong with that?
Obviously I don't know the full context about your situation but on the surface, it doesn't sound strange to me.

Does your therapist only make judgmental comments about what your family does or is it also about what you do?

Not the 'perfect' thing to have said, but now she's the 'bad' one, the one that judges the family.
Perhaps it's easier that way????

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Myrto

Also, I don't think it's odd for your sister to ring your mother every day, plenty of people have strong relationships with their parents and call them every day/every other day. What's wrong with that?

Echo this.

Why does she think it's a bad thing just because they want to speak everyday If it works for the two people calling each other, then it's all good.

[Elkino]

I completely understand...
At first and in certain cases I used to be 'glad' for the judgemental things my T said, because I felt them, but I couldn't express them. I try not to say anything bad about someone else, even when I know they treat me very badly.

But other times it does bother me too. I think it is because my T sees things I'm not ready to see yet (or at least, that's what I hope). It feels though as if I don't agree and therefor it sometimes really bothers me when she does it.

It's quite complicated. My T often tells me she does say 'the truth' because I need to see it (urgently). And yes, it could help... probably. But it stays a very difficult issue. If your T goes too far while you're not ready or you absolutely don't agree, I'm afraid it could damage the relationship too.

It would definitely be a good thing to talk about it. I'm still trying to bring it up in a session too. I know I won't change my T, but we could at least discover where my reaction comes from, if necessary.

How do you actually react when your T says things like that?

well... I wouldn't stick with a T like that. no judgement allowed.

[Cynefrid]

"It's hard for me to say this because you're great in many ways.. Also you hurt me sometimes when I perceive you as judgemental of my family, and I wonder why you do that" --- see what happens then....

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Cynefrid

"It's hard for me to say this because you're great in many ways.. Also you hurt me sometimes when I perceive you as judgemental of my family, and I wonder why you do that" --- see what happens then....

This is good. To my mind, parents are judgmental and want to silence us; not ts. So if we perceive our ts acting that way, that is the time for us NOT to be silent. We can finally confront the judgmental parent "figure" in a safe environment. If we sit silently and refuse to engage with the t because we dont like what they say, then we are behaving with the t the way we behave with our parents.

It IS scary to speak up, but if we dont, we will never get what we want out of life. I got my t schedule adjusted this month because i spoke up. This is the first time ive done it without whining!

Thank you everyone who gave me some very helpful replies. I am sorry I didn't respond but I was waiting for this week's session where I planned to say it to her. I was practising how to bring it up like cynefrids suggestion and I was just going to bring it up when she took out her diary and from it she took out a toothpick... she continued to direct the remnants of her lunch for what seemed like a very long time. I was very distracted and disgusted. I would consider that bad manners but t continued. I was so shocked I couldn't speak. Now sometimes t pulls so unusual stunts even for a t but this was the worst. She asked me if I was angry because I was sitting there so quiet and I nodded my head. She asked what was happening with me and where did I feel it but I just sat there in shock. Now t has ate an apple noisily and slurped coffee but this was the worst.

[Giucy]

I am not you, but I'd feel pissed off and angry from your T's reaction.

A good therapist can tell you a difficult truth you need to see without being judgemental.

What also brings a red flag to me is your T being judgmental.
1) Many well-adjusted adult children talk to their parents every day, or every other day. If it works for both parties involved, it's none of T's business
2) T is here to give you psychological care, not to preside your trial !
3) T is paid to give you a service, not the other way round. If he has issues to the point of being judgemental with patients, I'm afraid he needs therapy for himself for his issues or hunting for a more suitable job !

[JaneTennison1]

Urgh I would have gagged as I just couldn't stand that. So flipping gross. I'm sorry you were so sidetracked but I certainly don't blame you for feeling that way.

[unaluna]

Dude you are paying for that hour!! I would have told my t, "uh do you need to go floss?" And even offered to give him some privacy if he didnt leave the office, or stop it.

This reminds me of my previous t. We did not do well together. I think he was trying to toughen me up. I did not need toughening up. I told him, but i dont think he got the message. I told my current t - i have had enough. I need a safe place. I need cuddles. I need what i never got. I need someone to care, not to poke. A toothpick is definitely a poke.

If a toothpick does not bother you, then it wouldnt matter If your t used a toothpick. But if a toothpick DOES bother you, then if your t uses a toothpick, it does more harm than good. That is hanksters theorem for mona.

[stopdog]

I would not have been bothered by a toothpick. I don't see it as a poke at all. But if you are, tell the therapist is my approach. Therapists are the things you get to tell stuff to without worry about being socially polite in my opinion. If they piss you off, just let them know. It does not, in my experience, bother them and even if did - so what.

[unaluna]

Sd -

[missbella]

The therapist doesn't know your family, she certainly can't read anyone's minds and hearts much less of absent people. I personally think it an overreach for the therapist to write a narrative for the client. And I certainly think it beyond the therapist's competence to pretend clairvoyance.

My t doesn't know my family at all so it was a judgment. Also I just read back over my post and I did say toothpick but I meant floss. Yes she actually had floss in her diary and sat there flossing.

[JaneTennison1]

Oh that's so foul. I would not be cool with that. In some ways a toothpick would have been better.