[PaulaS]

I´ve been looking for a new T for some time and I´ve now found one or two T:s that I see as possible to start therapy with. I think it´s the most natural thing, T:s having a personal life and I understand it´s also natural as they are much older, that they have partners, children and grand-children.

I´m not expecting to find or look for a T who´s single and without children as myself even if that would make me feel more at ease perhaps. But still, knowing about their personal lifes, I now mean basic facts as being with a partner and having children, nothing more in detail, bothers me.

I don´t know if I´m just jealous, I don´t think so. I´m not at all sure I even want children of my own. Perhaps it´s some kind of power unequality but there´ll always be that way regardless of the T:s personal life. I mean, the T will always have more power than me in a therapeutic relationship.

I don´t want to bring it up when I only saw them a couple of times or so and haven´t decided if I´ll start therapy. I think I feel a bit distant to T:s because of this, knowing they live family lives, seeing relatives on the weekends and so on. Their life seem to be so very different from mine and I feel weak not being capable to create a more satisfying life of my own.

Anyone who can relate to this? Any explanations around this matter?

[catonyx]

I haven't given it much thought. I don't think a T's personal life has anything to do with my therapy so it does not matter to me.

[JaneTennison1]

I say just tell them. My own T asked if I minded knowing a few details (the fact she has kids, musicians she likes when we are talking about that) as some people don't like to know anything. So it seems natural to mention to a T you don't like to know this stuff.

[PaulaS]

It´s not that much about I don´t want them to tell me about their life, it´s the fact that I already from the beginning has this feeling of being somewhat bothered by their personal lifes. Without them telling me, I see them in a nice office and they have a career. I know if they´re married or not and if they have children just by a quick check on public search sites.

I see them, not all but some, wearing nice clothes, having nice things as new computers and so on. It´s much information without me even asking or them telling me. I mean, these things give me these feelings. I think it´s nice if the T shares something from her life, as what music she likes or TV shows she watches. More of private things, I´ve never experienced a T telling me about. I mean, telling about a grand-child or so.

I don´t like having those feelings, perhaps it has something to do with me seeing myself out of a low worth. At the same time I actually am less successful, being unemployed an so on.

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I say just tell them. My own T asked if I minded knowing a few details (the fact she has kids, musicians she likes when we are talking about that) as some people don't like to know anything. So it seems natural to mention to a T you don't like to know this stuff.

[ScarletPimpernel]

The problem is that you can't compare your life to anyone else's. Well, you can, but it isn't an accurate way to measure your own life.

You can never truly know another person completely. And depending on the boundaries of the relationship (all relationships have boundaries), you'll know even less.

You keep trying to qualify a person based off of some attribute: age, experience, education, and now martial status and if they're parents. None of those things mean anything about the type of person they are.

Here's some examples:
A homeless man. What is the judgements people have? Lazy, mental health issues, veteran, drugs, alcohol, etc. What if none of them are true? What if he lost his job, couldn't pay the mortgage, and was forced onto the street?

My own mother: Married, children, lived in an expensive house in an expensive neighborhood, she owned a preschool, and my dad owned his own business. People assumed she was a great mother, successful, and happy. All false. Because of her past and being exhausted from taking care of other people's children all day, she wasn't a good mother. She married for money, he married for sex. And both their businesses weren't making money and they lived beyond their means.

My T: Married, has a beautiful daughter, has her doctorate, has her own practice, and also teaches. From the outside, it would look like she has the perfect life. Let's say she actually does have a perfect life. Does that make me less valuable, inferior, or less of a person than her? She didn't experience what I have experienced and she doesn't have a mental illness. We have different strengths and weaknesses. Her life would most likely be different if she went through what I have gone through. Is it her fault she didn't? Is it my fault I did? No. It just is.

I cannot compare myself to my T. It's difficult not to because I admire and am kind of jealous of the things she's achieved in her life. So instead of judging her or judging myself, I try to learn from her. I try to figure out how I can achieve some of those things myself. It has to be modified because I am not her, but it still can be achievable for me.

[Petra5ed]

When I started looking I kind of decided most therapists would not comprehend where I'm coming from because I have "no family." I just said this repeatedly in my therapy, "I have no one, no family" to really hammer this point home. By that I mean I have no siblings and both parents were different kinds of abusive and or abandoning, so I've felt very alone my whole life. I'm not around any other "family" either, aunts/uncles. I think almost everyone has at least one family member they can say they communicate with regularly, and I do not. I was worried a therapist wouldn't get this, but I decided after a few sessions the first one I saw did get it. She was actually more keen to what my problem was than I was, she's the one who told me about complex trauma and pointed out just how damaging my childhood was. To this day I have no idea if she's single/married, has kids or not, was an only child or has many siblings. I just don't know anything about her, but I did feel like she at least comprehended how alone I felt. My current T in contrast has a big family, and I think he still "get's it" intellectually but I doubt he's ever felt anything like I've felt my whole life. I've come to learn about his family very gradually, and I will say I am jealous, but in another respect it's nice to see/ hear about a healthy family. So I guess my point is you might find it doesn't matter, but if you want them to understand that about you I would just repeat it several times early on.

[PaulaS]

Thanks for this, I felt a bit better after reading your post, thanks for giving me some perspectives.

Logically I can understand certain attributes doesn´t make me less valuable than a T (or anyone else) but I still feel that way. I cannot know a T:s whole story of course but I still can see if she´s got things that brings quality into life. That is for example having her own business, being married, having nice clothes and so on. I don´t mean I think she´s always happy just out of those things but compared to my life i think it´s almost certain she has a more satisfying life than I do.

I in a way then feel overtaken, being out of chance and that´s not just within therapy and with a T I feel that way but in a close relationship as in therapy it becomes more prominent. I think it´s good you feel you can acheive some things you admire about your T, I don´t feel that way, I feel I can´t acheive anything of value.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

The problem is that you can't compare your life to anyone else's. Well, you can, but it isn't an accurate way to measure your own life.

You can never truly know another person completely. And depending on the boundaries of the relationship (all relationships have boundaries), you'll know even less.

You keep trying to qualify a person based off of some attribute: age, experience, education, and now martial status and if they're parents. None of those things mean anything about the type of person they are.

Here's some examples:
A homeless man. What is the judgements people have? Lazy, mental health issues, veteran, drugs, alcohol, etc. What if none of them are true? What if he lost his job, couldn't pay the mortgage, and was forced onto the street?

My own mother: Married, children, lived in an expensive house in an expensive neighborhood, she owned a preschool, and my dad owned his own business. People assumed she was a great mother, successful, and happy. All false. Because of her past and being exhausted from taking care of other people's children all day, she wasn't a good mother. She married for money, he married for sex. And both their businesses weren't making money and they lived beyond their means.

My T: Married, has a beautiful daughter, has her doctorate, has her own practice, and also teaches. From the outside, it would look like she has the perfect life. Let's say she actually does have a perfect life. Does that make me less valuable, inferior, or less of a person than her? She didn't experience what I have experienced and she doesn't have a mental illness. We have different strengths and weaknesses. Her life would most likely be different if she went through what I have gone through. Is it her fault she didn't? Is it my fault I did? No. It just is.

I cannot compare myself to my T. It's difficult not to because I admire and am kind of jealous of the things she's achieved in her life. So instead of judging her or judging myself, I try to learn from her. I try to figure out how I can achieve some of those things myself. It has to be modified because I am not her, but it still can be achievable for me.

[PaulaS]

I think a T could understand most of my feelings around this but the difference between our lives is still there. We can talk about my (in my eyes at least) inferiour situation and a good T, which I hope to find, wont judge or think my situation is pathetic or something.

But I´ll still be bothered about my incompetence and spending several years on "nothing" knowing my T was employed when around my age, started a family when around my age and so on. I don´t see a way to think past such things.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

When I started looking I kind of decided most therapists would not comprehend where I'm coming from because I have "no family." I just said this repeatedly in my therapy, "I have no one, no family" to really hammer this point home. By that I mean I have no siblings and both parents were different kinds of abusive and or abandoning, so I've felt very alone my whole life. I'm not around any other "family" either, aunts/uncles. I think almost everyone has at least one family member they can say they communicate with regularly, and I do not. I was worried a therapist wouldn't get this, but I decided after a few sessions the first one I saw did get it. She was actually more keen to what my problem was than I was, she's the one who told me about complex trauma and pointed out just how damaging my childhood was. To this day I have no idea if she's single/married, has kids or not, was an only child or has many siblings. I just don't know anything about her, but I did feel like she at least comprehended how alone I felt. My current T in contrast has a big family, and I think he still "get's it" intellectually but I doubt he's ever felt anything like I've felt my whole life. I've come to learn about his family very gradually, and I will say I am jealous, but in another respect it's nice to see/ hear about a healthy family. So I guess my point is you might find it doesn't matter, but if you want them to understand that about you I would just repeat it several times early on.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I think a T could understand most of my feelings around this but the difference between our lives is still there. We can talk about my (in my eyes at least) inferiour situation and a good T, which I hope to find, wont judge or think my situation is pathetic or something.

But I´ll still be bothered about my incompetence and spending several years on "nothing" knowing my T was employed when around my age, started a family when around my age and so on. I don´t see a way to think past such things.

I wouldn't count on it that your life is "inferior" to every therapist there is. When I was in college I took a psych course and the instructor was covered in scars she had inflicted on herself, like I have never seen anyone with more cuts all over her arms, neck, face, all from self injury. She was older and had gone back to school, I don't think she had kids or a husband, and I don't know what happened to her, but obviously something very bad. That's when it really hit me that a lot of people who go into therapy have had some rather rotten stuff happen to them which got them interested in the first place. But... you would never know talking to the therapist (unless they have scars all over I guess) because they shouldn't make the therapy about themselves, so it might be easy to assume they are "superior" in every way without really knowing that.

[Lauliza]

This can and probably does happen in your interactions with all people in life, not just a T. The fact is that all people have personal lives. What they consist of varies and it's guaranteed that it's not all good. Therapists in no way have perfect lives. They experience ups and down like anyone else: sadness, insecurity, relationship issues, loss, trauma...the list goes on. They can empathize with human experiences. You have no idea what kind of childhoods people have. People are multidimensional and career and marriage/kids is only part of it (lots of them are divorced by the way, as are doctors). If part of the reason you're in therapy is due to the issues you mention like lack of career, relationships then someone in the same boat as you may not be much help. A T is already at a disadvantage by default because they're employed. You'll have to avoid all Ts if that one criteria bothers you so much. Maybe you aren't jealous but perhaps a little jaded by experiences with others who've judged you in the past. This is the difference - a T won't chastise you or shame you because of your difficulties but instead try to help you overcome them. Another thing to think about is how a T can be a kind of mentor. It might be hard but will be worth it to open up to someone whose life you admire, if only a little.

The most my T and I talk about his life is if we share common interests.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

Thanks for this, I felt a bit better after reading your post, thanks for giving me some perspectives.

Logically I can understand certain attributes doesn´t make me less valuable than a T (or anyone else) but I still feel that way. I cannot know a T:s whole story of course but I still can see if she´s got things that brings quality into life. That is for example having her own business, being married, having nice clothes and so on. I don´t mean I think she´s always happy just out of those things but compared to my life i think it´s almost certain she has a more satisfying life than I do.

I in a way then feel overtaken, being out of chance and that´s not just within therapy and with a T I feel that way but in a close relationship as in therapy it becomes more prominent. I think it´s good you feel you can acheive some things you admire about your T, I don´t feel that way, I feel I can´t acheive anything of value.

Hmmm. Let's try a different perspective again. This time let's think about "too late".

First, we don't always get what we want, the way we want it, when we want it. It's true for everyone. And the majority of people have to work for what they want; it's not usually handed to them.

So here's a great example. My ex-T's dream was to be a mother. She was married once, but it didn't work out. She also had a physical issue: she couldn't gain weight. She tried so hard. She even ate during all of our sessions. She was already in her 40's and time was running out. But guess what? She did wind up becoming a mother! Just not the way she planned. She wound up marrying a man who already had a daughter. The child might not be biologically hers, but that is her daughter and she is her mother. Her dream came true. It wasn't too late.

My dream is also to be a mother. Will it happen? I hope so. But I don't know when or how. Maybe natural, ivf, surrogacy, adoption? Maybe I'll be a mother-figure for someone's child? Or I can work at a preschool and get to mother children during the day. Maybe I will only get to mother my furry babies. Idk. But it's never too late.

I don't know yet how I can achieve other dreams of mine. If I didn't have mental health issues, I would have become an architect. Right now, I'm not able to go to college or handle a full-time job. I'll probably never be able to handle a full-time job. But that doesn't mean that I can never become an architect. Even if I did an internship at a company, I design my own house, or maybe build scale models...those are ways to still make that dream achievable.

It's simply changing your views...which isn't simple. But if you do have dreams, you should never give up on them. And yoir dreams are different than other people's dreams. So again, you can't really compare.

[Lauliza]

Everyone has their own stuff - that's the reality. If you keep comparing yourself to others you will never make progress. Remember, therapy is about you not the T. Keeping the focus off you and on the T is doing nothing other than allowing you to stall the process of beginning therapy.

[nicoleflynn]

I guess a good question would be who do you want t be there and how can you get there? Comparing our lives to anyone else's is futile;; we all need to live our own lives. Everyone on the planet has issues/problems. It is easy to think others have a "perfect" life, but we have no idea what is going on in anyone's life. Make the things happen in your life to make YOU happy. As long as you focus on other people's lives or what you think they have, you will never live your own life. xoxo

In other words, there are no guarantees in life, so we must make our lives the best we can by following our dreams and wishes and not let anybody stop us.

I used my life story of overcoming and thriving to win a scholarship at 60 and and am a Sophomore at 68! Age is irrelevant in most cases.

It's not really about the therapists personal life, is it?

[PaulaS]

Thanks for this perspective. I agree you have to work for what you want but when being depressed and stuck in a situation for several years that´s nothing you just do.

It´s a fine story about your T, that she finally became a mother. I realise you can´t plan everything and sometimes you get something that makes your life more positive without knowing you wanted it from the beginning. But when you lack a lot of things, as I think I do, you´re not able to see how life may get any better and that´s also why I compare myself. I in a way dream about having a similar life as someone else but I don´t have the energy or competence to get there.

I hope you´ll reach your dreams of course, I like people having dreams and thinking about ways of reaching them. To me it´s inevitable to think that I now and for several years back have just spent my life on nothing. I don´t see how to use the university degree I have, I´m not that interested in my study subjects any longer. There are really a lot of things that stops me from getting the life I want.

When it comes to therapy and being bothered by the T:s personal life, I easily feel worthless and pathetic when being jealous about for example the office she´s in or something.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Hmmm. Let's try a different perspective again. This time let's think about "too late".

First, we don't always get what we want, the way we want it, when we want it. It's true for everyone. And the majority of people have to work for what they want; it's not usually handed to them.

So here's a great example. My ex-T's dream was to be a mother. She was married once, but it didn't work out. She also had a physical issue: she couldn't gain weight. She tried so hard. She even ate during all of our sessions. She was already in her 40's and time was running out. But guess what? She did wind up becoming a mother! Just not the way she planned. She wound up marrying a man who already had a daughter. The child might not be biologically hers, but that is her daughter and she is her mother. Her dream came true. It wasn't too late.

My dream is also to be a mother. Will it happen? I hope so. But I don't know when or how. Maybe natural, ivf, surrogacy, adoption? Maybe I'll be a mother-figure for someone's child? Or I can work at a preschool and get to mother children during the day. Maybe I will only get to mother my furry babies. Idk. But it's never too late.

I don't know yet how I can achieve other dreams of mine. If I didn't have mental health issues, I would have become an architect. Right now, I'm not able to go to college or handle a full-time job. I'll probably never be able to handle a full-time job. But that doesn't mean that I can never become an architect. Even if I did an internship at a company, I design my own house, or maybe build scale models...those are ways to still make that dream achievable.

It's simply changing your views...which isn't simple. But if you do have dreams, you should never give up on them. And yoir dreams are different than other people's dreams. So again, you can't really compare.

[PaulaS]

I´ve asked myself this question a lot but I don´t find any answer to it, I really don´t know how to progress. I don´t know what would make me happy. You see and hear about other people in so many ways that it´s impossible to not want what others have sometimes.

Congrats to your scholarship! I´m always impressed when "older" people continue their careers and passions for something even if society tells them to retire.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I guess a good question would be who do you want t be there and how can you get there? Comparing our lives to anyone else's is futile;; we all need to live our own lives. Everyone on the planet has issues/problems. It is easy to think others have a "perfect" life, but we have no idea what is going on in anyone's life. Make the things happen in your life to make YOU happy. As long as you focus on other people's lives or what you think they have, you will never live your own life. xoxo

In other words, there are no guarantees in life, so we must make our lives the best we can by following our dreams and wishes and not let anybody stop us.

I used my life story of overcoming and thriving to win a scholarship at 60 and and am a Sophomore at 68! Age is irrelevant in most cases.

Since you tend to be a judgemental person based on assumptions you make about people, at least as it relates to evaluating potential Ts, perhaps you feel that a T will judge you based on the fact that your personal life is different from the Ts. I hope you will be pleasantly surprised that your T doesn't judge you and will help you be more accepting of your own present personal life. What our lives are today does not have to be how they are in the future if you want it to be different.

[ragsnfeathers]

I can relate to the feeling incompetent part. I tend to compare my lack of achievements to others. Not so much to the therapist having a personal life, though. I do tend to hope they're generally happy with their personal life whatever it is, because if they're not that might carry over into their work (me).

This is one thing I was thinking when I read your post. I recently started therapy with a new therapist. I'm an introvert and in the first session he came across as very extroverted. But I also got the vibe that he wasn't judging my disinclination to pursue sociability. I felt that he was interested in who I am and wanted to connect. Therefore, I saw the way he's different from me socially as intriguing. If you can see the differences as just that, differences, and your therapy as using these differences to explore who you are and how you can find ways that make your life more satisfying, it might help you get more of what you want from therapy. I hope this doesn't sound too Pollyannish. It's taking me a lot to get to this point so know it's in a lot of ways counterintuitive.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My only intention for this post is to maybe give you some hope. Do not compare yourself to me. You are not me; I am not you. And I'm not looking for sympathy. All I want is for you to try to understand that there is always hope. Maybe you don't see it now. Just take this in and sit with it. No need to respond.

I grew up with people thinking I was stupid. In high school, teachers and friends didn't think I would live to see my graduation. My life fell completely apart after high school: parents divorced, dad abandoned me, mom hated me, had a massive breakdown, 72 hr hold in hospital, 2 weeks in crisis house, mom kicked me out, no one from my church would take me in, lived in homless shelter, my dog died in the care of my friend. I had no reason to live. The only thing worse that could happen to me is living on the streets, being raped, etc. Thankfully it didn't get worse though I came close to experiencing those things also.

But I kept following the path forward. After 2 years, I got my own apartment, was going to college part time and getting As and Bs, and had a part-time job tutoring. I proved to myself and everyone else that I am valuable.

Sadly, my life fell apart again after 2 years of independence. I spent 6 years hiding in my house. I didn't leave for anything. I didn't even go grocery shopping. I didn't go to doctors and dentists. Wound up causing myself to be diabetic and my teeth rotted to the point that I had to have 5 pulled at once.

But once again, I decided to go forward. I took baby steps. It's been almost 2 years since I started again. I'm tired of being on the bottom. I want my life...a good life. I've seen how bad things can be. I've met people worse off than me. But all the people who have suffered but succeeded all have one thing in common: they never gave up.

I'm 32. I have no job, no degree, very little family, and no friends. I have health issues. I have mental health issues: BPD, depression, anxiety, etc... I don't know what my future holds. But it has to be more than this. And so I fight. I fight for myself, for the people I love and who love me, and for my future.

You can build yourself and your life back up. It won't happen in an instant; it will take time. All you have to do is take baby steps forward. If you wind up going backwards: it's okay. Just take steps forward again. The only thing stopping you from your goals is you. It's scary...it's difficult. But it's worth the risk. What can you lose anyways by going forward? It's never too late to improve your life.

Don't give up hope. It's your choice if you do.