If I don't get therapy soon, I feel like I'm seriously jeopardizing the two most important things in my life: relationship and career.

The problem is, due to anxiety, it's difficult if not impossible to call someone up to set up an appointment. And I often feel like they don't listen to me and are completely condescending to me.

I have some very rigid rules for therapists as well:
1. They must be female.
2. They must not be drug pushers and not mention me seeing a psychiatrist immediately. How can I feel safe to talk about my emotions if I know they will only throw pills at it?
3. They need to actually listen to me. As in, I have anxiety and I need to try CBT or something similar, but if I were to ask about that, I'm sure I'd just be ignored.

I also always get spooked within the first couple sessions with a therapist and can't return. Some of them don't even care or ask why I disappeared…so why would I ever go back?

I just need to know how to go about setting up appointments when the thought of having to do a phone interview bothers me and how do I get a therapist to actually listen and understand that someone with anxiety is likely to get spooked by them if they immediately attack them with medication or act condescending towards them?

Also, one of the therapists is a sex therapist and I have no idea how to initiate contact with her because the problem is so complex, confusing, and fills me with shame. I don't feel like I'm ever in a place with enough privacy to talk about these things during business hours. And even in my apartment where I might get some privacy, I don't get good enough reception to really understand what the other person is saying. Actually, that's why I hate phone interviews. I can't understand the other person, they're very uncomfortable, I always feel like someone can hear me, and they're kind of expensive compared to say e-mails.

[stopdog]

I have found some who are on psychology today who give email addresses - you could try setting up an appointment by email and send that info to them.

You can keep your phone interviews to just the basics, enough to know whether or not you want to schedule a first appointment. These are free, so I'm not sure where you live that there is a cost.

I started my call with my name and that I was looking for a therapist because my last one moved away and it's hard to find a good match. Then I asked what kind of therapy they practiced (because I did not want short-term CBT type therapy), if they did long term therapy, did they make clients fill out lists of things every week (I hate that), and were they accepting new clients.

Then, because I have a hard time saying I need to think about it, I would schedule an appointment and think about it. With one, I did more research and realized she was not for me so I cancelled. I saw another that did not feel right. Spoke to another who was not accepting new clients, but who listened to me so that she could give a good referral. Spoke to one of those referrals, liked her right away, made an appt, and it all felt right.

So, maybe start off by just saying you're looking for a therapist, have a lot of anxiety and will need to keep the interview short so that you can get through it, then ask the basics and take it from there. If there's too much pressure about making a decision, say you need to think about it, or make and appt and cancel if you change your mind after some though.

I know phone calls are really hard, but I need to hear her voice. Emails are toneless and can come across much colder than the person behind them.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with this.
It can be very anxiety-provoking to start therapy, even just the initial phone call. I know I get very flustered and forget what it is that I want to say. Sometimes writing things down helps, that way I can just read what I have written if I end up getting too nervous.
Another thought might be that you could try email contact at first. Many therapists have email as a method of first contact. I know when I was looking for T's when I first moved here, I only did email contact...
I hope you can find a T to help you out.

Just to be clear, the therapist doesn't charge for the phone call, but I don't have a flat rate calling plan. Each minute I'm on the phone costs. It's all pre-paid, but if I use up the minutes, then I have to buy more.

[Middlemarcher]

You're a grad student, right? Does your university have good counseling services? That's how I got into therapy. They did short-term counseling at my university and then referred you out if you want to continue therapy. I saw a good T at the university for 7 sessions, and then they referred me out to my excellent T. But I was lucky, as my university made mental health services a huge priority. I know that's not always the case.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I emailed my T through her website to request an initial visit. And I told her I don't do phones. She was fine with that and said she preferred emails anyways.

My university does have counseling services, but the one for students likes to push pills. And they don't have a trained sex therapist. They have couple's counseling, but the issues in my relationship are primarily sexual, so I don't really see it working beyond a session or two and then we'd have to go to another city (there are no sex therapists in this city of 300,000 for some reason) anyway.

I just don't know what I'm supposed say in an e-mail to a sex therapist. I'm just afraid we aren't going to be taken seriously. I mean, we're boyfriend and girlfriend (as opposed to husband and wife) and are living separately at the moment. And technically, we've only been together a few months. We just happen to take our relationship pretty seriously and are planning for the future. I just foresee there being more issues later if we don't fix the sex issues now. But I don't know…I have this feeling that we won't be taken seriously and we'll be judged for having sex so early in our relationship (and before marriage).

And then would I need to find another therapist for my anxiety outside of physical intimacy?

[boredporcupine]

I know that interviewing T's can be really anxiety-provoking and I feel for you there. I hated it, too so I really don't blame you.

Since you want CBT for anxiety though, I will tell you what I think a CBT-T would tell you. Which is that if you want to be less anxious, paradoxically you need to stop avoiding situations that make you anxious, which in your case includes interviewing potential T's. According to CBT, experiencing that you can be anxious about a situation and nothing really bad happens as a result is part of what will start to tame the anxiety.

Also a CBT therapist would ask you to examine your thinking about situations that make you anxious. You've identified that you're worried about a T pushing medication, being condescending, or not taking your relationship seriously. What are you afraid would happen as a result of those things, or what are you afraid of those responses meaning, that you are trying to avoid them? Because some people, in a situation where a T did those things, would just say "wow, too bad this T isn't very good that they aren't treating their client well" and go find someone else. But it seems like your thought process about that might be different? What is it exactly that goes through your head about those things?

Well, first of all, I can only find 3 certified sex therapists in the entire state. And as far as I can tell, only one accepts any sort of insurance at all. So if it doesn't work out with her, then what do we do? So there may not be anyone else. And if it doesn't work out with her, then I have to just suck it up and pretend to like sex I guess. Or put up a therapist that isn't ideal. And I'm afraid of how much of a time commitment this is and having that held against me by my significant other. Or I'm afraid that I'll set a time and he'll suddenly not be available at that time or that this will end up being the only time he'll spend time with me during the week because of the amount of time it takes up during a week night. I've suggested that I just go alone so there's less pressure and guilt, but he wants to go.

I just wish we could call in together and do the phone interview together, but I don't know when we could be together in a private place during business hours in order to make those calls.

I'm also afraid that it's simply not going to work and I'd have to live with the fact that I'm going to be miserable my whole life.

I think I'm too desperate to make good decisions regarding this, but I guess the decision is made for me via insurance?

[boredporcupine]

I'm also afraid that it's simply not going to work and I'd have to live with the fact that I'm going to be miserable my whole life.

So, you think that if you can't resolve your sexual problems through sex therapy, then you will be miserable for the rest of your life?

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

So, you think that if you can't resolve your sexual problems through sex therapy, then you will be miserable for the rest of your life?

Well, yes. I'm afraid I'll damage my relationship over these issues if they're never resolved. And if I lose my relationship, why would I ever seek another when I have these issues? The person I'm with now is patient and encouraging, but others aren't. It's not really the sex itself, it's the inability to have a physically fulfilling relationship. And I'm rarely able to make friends or connect at all to family, so without relationships, I'll essentially be completely alone in the world. This will negatively affect my career prospects, if I have any at that point, as they're all based on who you know.

Basically, if I lose this relationship, especially over sexual issues, I lose everything. I guess I can't expect anyone to understand.

[justdesserts]

I've dealt with intimacy issues and have seen a sex therapist as well as therapist who have not been specifically designated as sex therapists, but have had traditional orientations. My current therapist who is not a sex therapist, but is a regular psychologist has been more helpful with my intimacy and relationship issues than the sex therapist was because of our relationship and because we've been able to discuss my underlying issues that led to my issues with sex. I'd encourage you think beyond a sex therapist as your only option for happiness or a solution to the problem.

[boredporcupine]

Basically, if I lose this relationship, especially over sexual issues, I lose everything. I guess I can't expect anyone to understand.

Since you've explained your reasoning, I can see how you would feel that way. Hopefully you can resolve the issues you have and not lose this relationship. To me though, there is evidence that some people have ongoing sexual issues and still manage to be reasonably happy in life.

Well, he's pretty satisfied with our sex life so maybe he won't leave me because I don't enjoy it as much as I should?

I also think a sex therapist at some point would be good just because there are a lot of things sexually we don't know how to do and we don't know how to figure it out because messing up basic things just sort of kills the mood…I'm not sure if just instructional books and videos would be enough either. I don't think they'd be detailed enough, but I don't know.

I can believe some people can be happy with ongoing issues, but I'm not sure if I can. I think about this stuff almost all the time. This isn't recent either, I've been obsessing over sex ever since I knew what it was. It just disturbs me now that being with someone I love and care about and how I'm finally able to associate touch with positive emotions, that it still doesn't "work". I don't know, maybe that's still in the realm of a regular therapist and not a sex therapist. I also can't see my boyfriend going with me more than once in a while to a regular therapist because our issues are almost exclusively sex/physical intimacy related. And it's not COMPLETELY on me, he has his own issues too. I'll talk to him and see what he says. I just feel self-conscious that the first thing they're going to ask is if we're living together and when we say no, it'll be why not? We keep getting asked that and if we're married or not.