[IndestructibleGirl]

Idly wondering if people exist who have gone through therapy full of attachment wounds and emerged victorious. Victorious as in content, or happy, and able to attach successfully and healthily.

In real life, I know quite a few people who have been for a handful of counselling sessions (for romantic problems, or work issues, etc) think it's great, but are 'fixed' and drift off in under 20 sessions. Apart from folks on these boards, I know approximately 1 person in psychotherapy for over a year with plans to keep going. That's it.

So while I personally don't know any of the success stories - are they out there?

If you are one of them, what does it feel like?

[Lauliza]

I'm sure there are people who do well with therapy. Once we become adults is when we see how our attachment as children affected how our personalities were shaped and how we function. I think a lot of the time we may have to accept ourselves for who we are since it's not always right or wrong or good or bad. But if you struggle with functioning and/or interpersonal relationships and want that to change, I do think therapy can help a lot. I think success really depends on how you'd define healed or what success in therapy means to you.

I do know people who've been in therapy and found it helpful. One person in particular has attachment issues CSA. He wasn't ready to address this stuff in therapy until adulthood and only went as a promise to me and a few other close friends. It was short term and lasted for about a year; the abuse was talked about a lot of progress was made. At this point the interest was gone, along with too much happening in life and not enough time, so my friend stopped. This seems typical though and I know very few people who've attended therapy for more than a year at least on a regular basis. The ones I do know either change T's a lot or stay with the same one but go on an as needed basis. I actually know more people who have a psychiatrist they see regularly for med checks than a therapist. The ones I know went short term and stopped going because they they accomplished what they wanted, didn't like the T, or lost interest.

For my own issues, I'd say what's stemmed from attachment may always be a part of who I am. But for the stuff I really wanted to change, my current therapy has helped a huge amount. Other things I have less confidence that therapy will have much effect given I'm in my 40's and my personality is developed. I have been seeing a T longer than anyone else I know though, even though I only go once ever one or two months. Any more than that is just too much of an inconvenience. If I have something new that's come up that I need to address quickly or need advice on, I'll schedule more sessions.

My husband has severe attachment issues stemming from his childhood abuse. I wouldn't say he's cured; I don't know that will ever be completely possible. But he is doing much better. His ability to hold onto that feeling of connection with people has become more stable than it once was. He has a way to go, but things have improved. He is finding more peace within himself than he was once able to do.

As for myself, attachment was never a problem for me, but I certainly had enough other very serious mental health issues to juggle. I've been hospitalized many, many times for suicidality and attempts. I've been through medications and ECT treatments. And lots and lots of therapy. I reached a point in the last year where I am finally very stable, quite content with life, and quite capable of handling the stressors that come my way (and there are plenty of them with a seriously ill husband). I've come out on the other side, but it took many years and incredible focus and determination to get there. The years of therapy were absolutely worth it for me. No regrets. Just wish it could have happened faster, but these things take time.

[boredporcupine]

I am a success story. I've been seeing my T now for three years and while I'm not 100% finished, I consider myself mostly done.

When I first started, I could barely make eye contact in sessions, and in between I missed my T so much it felt physically painful. I kept thinking she was going to get fed up with be and refer me. I could not even remember in between sessions what my T looked like. I could not imagine the end of therapy at all and I thought if I left she would forget me. Every session my anxiety was through the roof. I was in a period of crisis in my life, not really working or doing anything, and my marriage was pretty much a mess. At times I was contemplating suicide.

These days I am going to school full time and working part time on the side, plus doing volunteer stuff. I don't mind going a few weeks between sessions. The idea of ending no longer freaks me out. My marriage still has problems but we are in couples therapy now and improving. Overall I am satisfied with my life.

So yeah, it's possible

[archipelago]

Bowbly, the initial founder of what we now call attachment, said there were only two ways to go from insecure to secure attachment and he also said it would not be necessarily complete for all relationships or even a primary one.

The two were a long term intimate relationship (implicitly a healthy one) and intensive psychotherapy. He didn't say you had to have both.

I have had both. I had an insecure attachment style that would have been called avoidant or in adult terms dismissive, which means that when I was distressed as a child I didn't seek out comfort because in my case no one would have provided it. So I developed a premature independence, or at least the appearance of that. Avoidant/dismissive does not mean you do not want an attachment; you do, but it means that there is something blocking the way, usually fear which in my case was caused by abandonment and neglect.

In therapy I worked this through in the transference/countertransference dance, where attachment needs were reactivated and I was able to do reparative work. This took time and lots of patience, but apparently it is possible to become securely attached even with a difficult background.

In moments of distress, I do now seek out comfort and am able to trust. I had to make friends with all sorts of emotions that I had blocked off, but that actually felt good to do after getting used to it. I also had to be gentle with myself when I went through needy periods, which tended to be in relation to my therapist not to others.

I do believe it can be done. And many therapy approaches use attachment and attachment repair as part of the treatment. It is one of the more validated aspects of what came out of a psychoanalytic context.

[RedSun]

Yes, me! I hadn't worked out the avoidant attachment stuff before my t pointed it out, I just knew that things have been much better for me as an adult when I am away from family.

I have been with my h for billions of years ( well, 22), and, when I thought about my insecure attachment issues, and all the fall out that that has brought, I also realised that I now have a secure attachment to my h, and that the support and security that that has given me has been immensely healing. And now I can explore my relationship with my FOB in therapy, it's been so helpful. Xxx

[scorpiosis37]

I have worked through my attachment issues in therapy. I grew up without a mom and was abused by a nanny, and developed a preoccupied attachment style. I would become preoccupied with older women (like teachers) who felt maternal to me. I would think about them 24/7, hold onto every word they said, and constantly fear abandonment. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I didn't know how to change it.

I entered therapy 4 years ago because I was going through a break-up. But, pretty quickly, my throat became about my childhood trauma and attachment issues. It took me about 2 years, but I developed a secure attachment with my T. I trust her, I know she's safe, I can count on her to follow through, and I'm not preoccupied with any fears of abandonment and do not need any reassurance from her. My relationship with her is stable and consistent, and has been for years. With her, I have what I should have had with a mom growing up. I don't really "need" therapy at this point, but I like it and can afford it so I continue to go. Our sessions are largely conversational and full of laughter, or I work on little things like managing work stress or sticking to a New Year's resolution.

When I move, my relationship with T will end-- save the occasional check-in. It will be hard, but I'll be able to do it. I know that the caring won't end, just because the therapy sessions will. She's told me that her relationship with me is why she became a therapist, and I believe her. I don't know that a different therapist, or a less invested therapist, could have had this kind of impact. It also took time-- I've been with her for 4 years. It takes a long time to heal attachment wounds because they run so deep. my T has had such an important influence in my life, Ive actually decided that when I have a daughter (hopefully in the next few years) I'll give her T's name as a middle name. A lot of people give their children family names, but for me, my T provided the care and security that my family of origin did not.

yes- me. and it feels good. safer.

[growlycat]

I feel like a success too, but I still have work to do so I keep going.

[rainbow8]

I like reading the success stories. I feel like I'm getting there too, but not quite there yet.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by archipelago

I have had both. I had an insecure attachment style that would have been called avoidant or in adult terms dismissive, which means that when I was distressed as a child I didn't seek out comfort because in my case no one would have provided it. So I developed a premature independence, or at least the appearance of that. Avoidant/dismissive does not mean you do not want an attachment; you do, but it means that there is something blocking the way, usually fear which in my case was caused by abandonment and neglect.

In therapy I worked this through in the transference/countertransference dance, where attachment needs were reactivated and I was able to do reparative work. This took time and lots of patience, but apparently it is possible to become securely attached even with a difficult background.

In moments of distress, I do now seek out comfort and am able to trust. I had to make friends with all sorts of emotions that I had blocked off, but that actually felt good to do after getting used to it. I also had to be gentle with myself when I went through needy periods, which tended to be in relation to my therapist not to others.
.

This is me! My T. has finally told me she cares about me, I've told her I love her. I should be thrilled that we are connected yet I constantly fight it. I want it so bad and then when I get it, I'm mad I want it. I asked her last night about attachment issues. We've never discussed it and she doesn't like to discuss anything but feelings because she knows I will get focused on the "how" instead of sharing my feelings. She told me I didn't have attachment. Not the style or anything - that it isn't there. My husband was with us so I didn't ask any questions but Im guessing mine is avoidant. I'm always worried she will change her mind or abandon me. Last session I told her I don't like wanting the connection. She said but if you don't feel the connection, you're going to feel abandoned. Yup.

It's so weird - I just can't accept it and move on. I hate that I'm fighting something so good.

[stopdog]

I think using language like healed may add to one's difficulty. I think it may be possible to respond somewhat differently if that is where one wants to go with one's responses, but I don't think one heals in therapy as in it all gets fixed like one does with a broken arm.

And as for avoidant/dismissive - if the woman is correct and I am that label (I don't necessarily agree) - I still believe I have enough to too much attachment/connection with others as it is - I have no urge for more.

For those who answered in the affirmative about themselves...what mode of therapy (relational, ifs, dbt, CBT, eclectic, etc) does your say they practice?

[Restin]

I had to read these witnesses for progress because I have DID and Dismissive Attachment Disorder. And I'm just now in deep therapy with a most patient and empathic therapist. I found that she was trained in the dynamic relationship way of Bowlby and Guntrip, and because of that I know I can trust how she will deal with my dependency and Inner Child. I was so afraid of those shrinks who regard transference/dependency as a nuisance, and disapprove of it. I'm done with those therapists who put someone on a termination schedule that is traumatizing itself. I noticed in Scorpiosis' post above that it gets so you don't need to see the T so much. But I'm not there yet, and now I need the T like an infant needs her mother. And I've gotten so I can admit it to T, tho with much fear. The fear is automatic when all your life you've been forbidden to say the words of affection or need. But they need to be said and felt for progress to happen. I don't think people will ever trust a T enough to tell the T their inner child feelings when they are constantly worried about how the therapy will end. I'm glad I came across this topic on the forum. It's very encouraging.

I like reading the success stories, too. I am in the thick of working through my attachment issues!

[Favorite Jeans]

I think it might be a stretch to say that my attachment issues are completely healed but I do think that things have changed for the better, both because of therapy and because of growing into a deeper and more mature emotional relationship with my partner. I no longer hope that random people will notice my pain and take care of me and cast about for the right person to fixate on. I no longer develop intense relationships where I basically want someone to marry and adopt me and think I'm soooo special.

I have some difficulty with the limits on the therapeutic relationship in that i feel like there is often a mismatch between my needs (ginormous) and her capacity to be there for me (very limited). Sometimes this feels almost wrenchingly painful and other times it's not that much of an issue. I wish I didn't have an aching need to be cared for like that but I can sometimes understand how it came to be that way for me (which helps me to feel like less of a loser for it) and sometimes get what I need from relationships outside of therapy.

At the moment I feel positive about the whole attachment thing. I think it feels less horrid than it used to. But it may well be that tomorrow I'll post some long thing about my unmanageable neediness and beg you guys for reassurance. it's far from being a linear process...

[WhoaPlease]

thank you for posting this. I just posted something along these lines, before I saw this.

[amayastar]

I have extreme attachment issues am just now accepting I need to face them and get better. I hope I can heal from them.

[Brightheart]

I have an anxious insecure attachment style. It seems that I need to work through this in each new friendship when there is any level of closeness. I can get to a point of healthy secure attachment, but insecure feelings will still pop up from time to time during stress. It does always seem worse at the beginning of a new friendship. I feel I am doing much better, though, and especially so within my marriage.

[boredporcupine]

For those who answered in the affirmative about themselves...what mode of therapy (relational, ifs, dbt, CBT, eclectic, etc) does your say they practice?

My T is basically eclectic, but has done a lot of training in Somatic Experiencing. I'm not sure it's a particular theory that made the difference but just the way she has known how to be attuned and steady. I'm not sure that can be taught. But I do think the SE training helped her because she wasn't afraid to touch me. In the beginning she didn't because I was afraid for HER to touch ME. But eventually I would ask her to sit next to me, or put her arm around me and that made a big difference.

My T doesn't do IFS at all, but I learned a lot about it and have done a lot of IFS work with myself and I think that helped tremendously. Usually I just divide a page into two columns and have a dialogue with whatever part of me is causing trouble, or sometimes it has to do with imagining in my mind taking care of whatever part of me was hurting.

In the beginning I had this baby part of myself that was so distressed that I would literally be putting my hand over my chest (where I felt it) and making soothing noises like you would talk to a baby. I felt insane but it was seemingly the only thing that helped at all.

IMO, healing from this stuff can take some creativity and persistence in addition to a great T.

[archipelago]

My therapist is relational. The therapy uses the relationship and its fluctuations to reflect old patterns and changes, with special emphasis on producing new repertoires of experience, especially interpersonally. There is also an element of revised self psychology with attachment blended in. In that model, the goals of self cohesion (with capacities for intimacy, affect regulation, self-reflection) are conceptualized as part of a self-other matrix. With these newer forms of psychoanalysis, the analyst acknowledges his inevitable participation and co-creation of experience while still putting the patient first. And the idea of the self is more one of interdependence rather than independence.

"Anyone know a real, live person who has actually healed attachment difficulties?"

No. I don't know any.

[growlycat]

My longtime T is psychodynamic but I've been seeing a CBT/eclectic leaning T for a bit under 2 yrs now.

I feel like I needed the psychodynamic first for deep work, but CBT T has been great in terms of hitting concrete goals and making measurable steps. I needed both and I feel I did them in the right order for me

It's multi layered. How I once was to how I am today is so different. I still struggle some. But we are always a work in progress. The journey is more important than the end result.
I no longer take emotional hostages. I decide what company I wish to keep. But, toxic people can still trip me up.

[FTad]

Is there anybody here, who has "fixed" his condition of insecure/ambivalent attachment?