[lunatic soul]

It really makes me sick, after therapy I think about my T next two days and feel sad and send him emails, it gets better after some days and then I see him again. I know he is attached to me but does it change something? No, he is still just a T, doesn't matter what he feels for me.

Sometimes I look in this forum when I feel bored and it makes me sick when I read how much people post about their Ts, dont take it personal, it's just how I feel. Sometimes I want to save all those people from attachment to their Ts.

[Restin]

Yes, therapy seems so bittersweet when you realize it's the best you'll ever have, but it's a "professional" relationship no matter what you want deep inside. I went through several therapists and some where re-traumatizing...mostly those who had the old training that dependency is bad.
Therapy has undergone a major revolution, where dependency and attachment are encouraged so that it can be worked with gently and allowed to mature in a natural way....like when a child who so loved his old blanket and finally decides he doesn't need to drag it around anymore, and his "good-enough" parent let that happen naturally without telling him he has to get over it, or else.
Just now, I can't imagine ever getting over my desperate need for my T, so I try not to put myself into the future. It just makes it all worse to second guess the future. And, besides, there is a lot of argument now that it's really anti-therapeutic to give a patient a deadline, or termination countdown. Who says you can't be in therapy with your T the rest of your life? I've known some who have gone to the same T for 30 yrs. It's good if you can grow out of your need for regular sessions, but maybe you won't, and who is to judge that?

I've been in deep therapy awhile and tend to have the usual terrors of how therapy will end and how my feelings for T could be mangled. But my T has turned out to be very good and trained in modern relationship therapy. I'm determined that I will do my best to reveal myself in the sessions, and try to trust in the development of my mind and feelings without too much worry about how it's going to play out. I just feel that worrying too much in advance only makes me feel bad all the more. But I know this is easier said than done when life has been so devastating in the past.

I feel the same way. I thought I had a great therapist. He did so many of the "good" things that I read about here, but it ended abruptly and horribly and I am just so damaged. I am more messed up than before therapy.

I wasn't nearly this pathetic before therapy. Anxious and depressed, yes, but not attached and dependent. Therapy has been a horrible ride for me - more damaging than helpful, but I'm in so deep I don't know what to do anymore.

[healed84]

Well, a lot of the modes of therapy out there these days encourage attachment between t and client. In some cases it may be an unhealthy attachment and a good T would help to make that a bit better, if not as much as it hurts refer them elsewhere. However, a healthy agree of attachment can look kind of ugly or hurt a little bit, but it doesn't mean that it is not good.

[ragsnfeathers]

When I've been (and am) into either deep attachment or at least deeper attachment than I do in "real life" I assume that it's a stage and will end after it's served its purpose.

[Petra5ed]

I don't know though, one the one hand yes it's sad to be obsessed with your therapist but on the other, before therapy I was borderline suicidal, and was really suffering from my anxiety. I mean, I remember having panic attacks just going to get groceries, and every task seemed like an impossible challenge... I just wanted to stay in bed all day. Now I'm out in the world and living life. Sure I've become obsessed with my therapist, and that is it's own kind of painful, but finally even that is fading away. At least I feel a little bit less alone now. Overall I think therapy has done a lot of wonders for me, it's just been slow and painful, but I see the light finally.

[SnakeCharmer]

I never did therapy that encouraged attachment as part of the therapy. The relationships always included professional detachment as the underlying theme, with my independence and personal empowerment as stated goals.

Until I read this forum I didn't realize attachment theory had so many devotees and practitioners. It would never be my cup of tea. To each her own.

[stopdog]

The first one I see used to bring up attachment but I managed to get her to stop. The first seemed to indicate it was something desirable- that a client become attached. The second one has never mentioned it other than to repond to me once when I asked her something generic about it.

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

It really makes me sick, after therapy I think about my T next two days and feel sad and send him emails, it gets better after some days and then I see him again. I know he is attached to me but does it change something? No, he is still just a T, doesn't matter what he feels for me.

Sometimes I look in this forum when I feel bored and it makes me sick when I read how much people post about their Ts, dont take it personal, it's just how I feel. Sometimes I want to save all those people from attachment to their Ts.

Than you would be doing people a miss justice. Attachments are part of life.

[anilam]

I've been with my T for a long time- i guess you can say I'm attached to him. I'd be sad if therapy ended before I'm done (whatever that means) but I'd be OK.
It wouldn't somehow undo all the work I've done in therapy.

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

I never did therapy that encouraged attachment as part of the therapy. The relationships always included professional detachment as the underlying theme, with my independence and personal empowerment as stated goals.

Until I read this forum I didn't realize attachment theory had so many devotees and practitioners. It would never be my cup of tea. To each her own.

I do believe that for many years, late 80's, 90' and beginning of 2000, CBT was all the rage. Insurance companies really like it because it professed to need less time to bring about change in clients.

But things have began to change again and attachment/relational therapy has come into its own. But Motivational Therapy and Short Term Psychotherapy have also made gains in popularity (both focused on smaller goals/smaller gains/short term limited sessions) I'm glad all forms of therapy are out there because if I've learned anything it's truly that no one size fits all.

I've "tried" CBT and found it irritating and overly simplified (to me!). I needed something deeper and more challenging. You mention that independence and personal empowerment were your stated goals. I found CBT didn't do any of that for me. I found it frustrating because I felt as though they were telling me things I already knew (cognitive distortions etc.) and what I needed was to work through those things in a relationship that helped me look at how I connect/don't connect to another person<---simplified explanation So for me, CBT was definitely not my cup of tea. It truly is "to each her own"!

PS. When I said, "I needed something deeper and more challenging", I didn't mean that CBT wasn't challenging to other people who connect with that form of therapy. I mean that for ME, CBT wasn't the challenge I was looking for in a therapy experience.

[nicoleflynn]

We become attached to people all of our lives....the ones we believe care about us. That is the human experience....not a theory.

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

I never did therapy that encouraged attachment as part of the therapy. The relationships always included professional detachment as the underlying theme, with my independence and personal empowerment as stated goals.

Until I read this forum I didn't realize attachment theory had so many devotees and practitioners. It would never be my cup of tea. To each her own.

I have never seen a T who "encouraged" attachment as part of therapy either, but I haven't ever found a healthy attachment to be anything BUT self-empowering. Sometimes attachment seems to be viewed as such a negative thing on this forum, which is not something I have personally experienced.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

I've "tried" CBT and found it irritating and overly simplified (to me!). I needed something deeper and more challenging. You mention that independence and personal empowerment were your stated goals. I found CBT didn't do any of that for me. I found it frustrating because I felt as though they were telling me things I already knew (cognitive distortions etc.)

My experience with CBT was very similar, Jay.

My siblings both ended up in and out of jail and also abuse of heavy drugs; I was so determined to not let that be my fate, so I had read psychology and self-help books starting in childhood, but mostly in my teens though my early 20s. I even joined to military to try to redirect my adversity to something I thought might be positive (helping others in adverse situations). Later, I wanted to start a non-profit organization, but my depression/emotional problems surfaced and have been at the forefront for some time now.

I had intellectualized all my problems and 'distortions' for years; by the time I got to CBT (was referred by psychiatrist), the pointing out of cognitive distortions seemed so silly. I would constantly say, "but I know that, but that is not how I feel". There are often times where I say that to my current psychoanalytic therapist. "I know that, but i'm just telling you how I feel".

Aside from CBT; in general, insight and interpretations are not enough for some. Like you said Jay, I needed the relationship. Through the relationship I got things my parents did not provide-focus on my well-being, believing in me, etc. That has helped me more than anything. If I had only known sooner...not getting people into the appropriate therapies is a problem in the MH profession imo.

So I think the attachment is worth all the risks. I do agree it can cause further damage, leaving someone worse than when they started. I don't have a solution, but despite the common notion that education does not matter for successful therapy, in terms of those who do get re-traumatized, i often think more therapists need better training in trauma, attachment, transference, etc. I find it really disturbing.

Everyone is different of course and if it helps someone to have an attachment to a person they pay to help them and they can handle knowing this relationship will end someday (all relationships generally end somehow) then more power to them.

[magicalprince]

I think what's most damaging for me is how unnatural I feel, how I keep qualifying and restricting my behavior because I go, "oh, this is my T, I can't treat them like any other person, there's strict rules."

I don't see my T in an authority or parental way, so I don't like it. I don't act any more dependent than I would on a friend. Yet I am not allowed (or maybe just have too much pride) to act totally natural, so it's strange.

But I also don't want to leave my T because my situation is bad right now and I don't have anyone else.

[JaneTennison1]

I feel so very secure in my attachment lately. I let go of a lot of the trust issues I have and for the first time really trusted T would be there if I needed her to be. A lot of the stress I had before was related to feeling scared to trust her.

We have talked of therapy ending. We both know the work isn't finished yet but when it is we will part ways. I'll be sad and so will she but this role she is playing in my life is very healing.

I guess my point is that not all attachment is bad and scary. Some of it can help trust and help realise that not everyone is a bad person out to get you.

[Rive.]

Well, personally, I could very well do without (i) attachment & (ii) feelings. In my book, Ts are humans and as fallible human beings, i.e. as any human being, attaching et al. only leads to heartache. So yes, it would suit me quite fine to be like a(n) (unfeeling) robot.

PS: I am only talking for/about myself. If attaching et al. works for others, fair enough and I am most certainly not judging.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm extremely attached to my T. While in the long run it's not healthy, currently it has its purpose.

My problems with attachment stem from my parents. I rarely felt comforted by my parents. I had mother-figures since at least age 5. So therapy or no therapy, I have attachment issues.

I tried not to get attached with current T, but that went out the window on the first session. I couldn't be "saved" from it. But now after discussing it with my T, I wouldn't want to be "saved". Trust me, I don't like the pain and frustration that comes with it, but it does actually help me. It allows me to have a connection, develop trust in order to open up and also follow her advice, to relate, to feel safe, etc. It allows me to work in myself because I know I have someone to fall back on. She's my safety net.

And my T doesn't deny or encourage attachment. It is what it is. She of course wants me to be able to get to a point where I am not attached to her and still maintain a connection, but until then we keep working with what benefits it does provide me and processing the issues causing the attachment.

I found this article about attachment to be interesting. I do find Buddhist concepts (also used in DBT), helpful. This article gives me a basic understanding of what I'm trying to achieve in terms of attachment and therapy and relationships in general. But for now, I try to utilize the attachment to help me progress through my issues.

Attachment and Buddhism -- Buddhist Teachings on Attachment and Clinging

[stopdog]

I don't think it possible to save anyone from themselves and consider it rarely advisable to try and save someone from their own path.

[SnakeCharmer]

As I said, to each their own. BTW, I didn't do CBT. I prefer more emotive, humanistic approaches like REBT and Choice Theory.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

I've "tried" CBT and found it irritating and overly simplified (to me!). I needed something deeper and more challenging. You mention that independence and personal empowerment were your stated goals. I found CBT didn't do any of that for me. I found it frustrating because I felt as though they were telling me things I already knew (cognitive distortions etc.) and what I needed was to work through those things in a relationship that helped me look at how I connect/don't connect to another person<---simplified explanation So for me, CBT was definitely not my cup of tea. It truly is "to each her own"!

PS. When I said, "I needed something deeper and more challenging", I didn't mean that CBT wasn't challenging to other people who connect with that form of therapy. I mean that for ME, CBT wasn't the challenge I was looking for in a therapy experience.

Originally Posted by mian síoraí

My experience with CBT was very similar, Jay.

I had intellectualized all my problems and 'distortions' for years; by the time I got to CBT (was referred by psychiatrist), the pointing out of cognitive distortions seemed so silly. I would constantly say, "but I know that, but that is not how I feel". There are often times where I say that to my current psychoanalytic therapist. "I know that, but i'm just telling you how I feel".

That is how cbt was for me too. Plus I found it quite annoying to be asked how I feel and then after deciding to actually answer the way I did rather than giving what I knew to be the right answer and after saying I knew what the right answer was - the cbt one would tell my why I was wrong and tell me the same right answer I had just stated.

I think a huge problem is that a client cannot know about how they are going to fit with any sort of theory until they have tried it and sometimes gotten bludgeoned by it = and then it is difficult to change because of all the client blaming and shaming that goes on when a method does not work.

I asked my pdoc for a referral and she gave me one name, but it took some wrangling from the therapist to finally get her to admit she only does CBT, so I cancelled my first appt, which would have been $175. Also, she advertised as resolving trauma in 5 sessions and depression in 10, which reminded me of a carnival poster. I was just saying to my therapist, "Who wants to private pay for CBT?" She laughed and laughed and said that was hilarious. I'm guessing she agreed with me.

As for seeing the attachment issues here and the therapists who have no idea what they're doing...yeah, it makes me sick inside. Still, there's never any way to know the whole truth from these posts.

[stopdog]

I don't think there is any way to know the whole truth in any situation. Two people can observe and/or experience the same thing and come away with very different truths about it.
But I am very much a relativist so there is that.