Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

im nervous, scared and excited about seeing you today. no offense but it always gives me this sense of dread, lol. but I feel better after

T, I'm really wanting to text you right now to tell you a few things but I think some of the desire is just wanting some sort of contact with you. I know that I am thinking more clearly because I am not going to text you because often I misinterpret your response negatively which throws me into a downward spiral. I also am not going to text you as a way of thanking you.

Why do I want to thank you? Yesterday I asked you to let me talk about my finances with you without you suggesting that I see you less often. You understood me and respected my wishes. I really needed to talk about it with you and I did. Also, I told you that I had been thinking about destructive things and I was worried that you would be disappointed that I was in that bad place again... But you weren't. Instead you reminded me, that is just what I know. It is an old coping thought pattern. You told me that just because I have some down days doesn't mean that I am not improving and that made me feel better... More positive.

I like that you agreed with me that increasing my medicine wasn't the best idea right now. You again reminded me that I just have years and years of crap that I have kept at bay using various techniques so it is all coming out. You asked if I had been having nightmares and I was surprised because I have been.

Finally, I wanted to thank you for just being you. For knowing me so well. For sticking with me even when I was going by your work to look at your car. You were honest and told me that it was a pain in the *** when I was doing the really crazy sh** but I had to do it to get here. You told me that I taught you stuff during that time. I thanked you for not leaving me during that time and you said, "You know I wouldn't do that." As I started to say that I didn't know, you said ok and understood that I just needed to verbalize my thank you.

I also have to say that the fact that I feel comfortable enough and safe with you to ask you if you love me is pretty darn cool. Of course you are quick and bright and easily responded with, "I love everyone" while still qualifying that your patients are special to you.

I love you, but you already know that. Now let's hope that I can get you out of my head for most of the next two weeks.

-ata

T

I hope you can help me in the process of changing pdocs.
Thank you though, T. Thank you for being understanding. Its still hard to trust but I hope I can.

htn

I hate you. I had been waiting for this ****ing day for a whole week and just 5 minutes before getting out of the office you text me. I know your reasons for canceling are always good and this one makes no exception.
But I felt so abandoned, just when I needed you more than ever. I was longing for my safe place. I pretended I was coming to session and I drove to the tube station, I went downtown and got near your office. Then I walked back home. It took me 2 hours. Like when we started working together and I would only exercise and throw up. Today destroyed me.

T, you have been my first sweet, caring and accepting presence in my tasteless life, teaching me what it means not to hate everyone and accepting from others - and I'm fond of you, but I am not coming next week "at the usual time" unless you say it. It's NOT granted. I feel like I just said goodbye and I'm in pieces. I'm done with asking, T. I don't have the guts for it. I would like to ask for an earlier session and I even contemplated writing we could meet later, but then I realized your text just meant we were gonna skip today and I felt like an idiot.

I hate this day of the week because all strikes are today. I hate this time because you are tired and I'm squeezed between office and your next appt with that man whom I barely can stand when he rings in the middle of the session saying he hopes you don't mind if he's a bit early.
I stopped for an ice-cream at a certain point as I thought I might deserve one. But two guys on the next bench started staring at me and my tears and laughing and I felt teased and really hurt, so I stood up immediately and didn't feel like the ice-cream anymore. I felt so, so, so stupid. I wondered if you secretly laughed about my tears last week too. How many times? How poor is your opinion of me? I feel guilty now. You couldn't come, full stop. You couldn't. You did a lot for me.
I'm suffering and I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and I can't find a point to myself.
I want you to come pull me out of my discomfort again, and I will miss you so much, but on the other hand I don't want to be so dependent on you anymore, I can't take this unbearable state of despair your cancellations throw me in during tough times. I am tired of waiting 7 days and then ending up broken, abandoned, lost, thinking you happily got rid of me at least for this week. I already have a job and a family and an abuser for this. Don't need you to add up.

Oh T. Don't leave me.

T, why am I having such a hard time letting you go this week? I can't stop thinking about you and I want some more contact with you. I'm finding it painful. I've had a dull headache all day and I think it's because I can't move forward from the appointment.

I wish I could be part of your life. I wish I was able to come to your place and just hang out with you. The worst part is that I can tell that I'm going to start crying again but it's just going to make my headache worse. I feel so alone when I am suffering like this.

I will be so glad when I finally decide that I have suffered enough and I let you go. "Figuratively," of course.

dear t

i hope you readmy emails....see u tomorrows

me

Dear T,
I can't wait to see you... there is so much to talk about. I hope I don't just blab on for 45 minutes.
Oh yeah and also... as usual...

Hi T,


I'm feeling hopeless and helpless and lost. And I feel guilty b/c I shouldn't be this depressed. My life is so much easier than alot of other peoples lives.

It's clear that you've given up on me. I can't blame you. You held on for a long time. Do I just cancel my appointment with no explanation? Honestly, I'm thinking of cancelling all of my appointments with all of my doctors.

OMG, that hug was AWESOME. It started out nice and comfortable. I could feel your arms around me and I was sinking in to it. Then when I thought the hug would end, the opposite thing happened: you squeezed me real tight for a few seconds - but not too much, just perfect. I felt so loved, that was better then I ever expected. I got my closure alright. Thank you T, you are amazing. I'm gonna miss you so much.

Well I didn't know why I broke down a couple of days ago but it just happened again...this time it was because I thought about how it would feel to say goodbye to you.

I don't want to ever have to say goodbye to you.

I don't want to start a new week. I don't want our session day to come because I already feel so lost thinking of not coming anymore.

What kind of a T would gossip about a client with ANOTHER client? I mean besides YOU of course? Who would pump me for information just to IMPRESS someone else that they could get it out of me?? It was an interrogation process just to be cruel. I guess you had no better form of entertainment but to ruin my life. You figured I was too weak to fight back. We'll see about that. It's NOT OVER for me or YOU.

(Sorry for the long post. I emailed this to CurrentT)

Dear T,

Just some questions/explorations:

*Did you mean to encourage my attachment from the beginning? Is that a goal for the therapist?

*Is attachment necessary for successful therapy?

*Are attachments in therapy normal?

*Is it usual for patients to form attachment to their therapists?

*How does attachment help in therapy?

*In your practice, do most of your patients have positive bonds/attachments with you....or not?
(I mean is it more common than not?)

*Are you comfortable with a patient's attachment/bond feelings in therapy?

*Is attachment the same as transference? If not, how are they different?


*Do you feel attachments are bad?

*Am I bad for feeling attached to you or PrevT?

*Would you rather I try to reel in some of my attachment feelings?

*Why might a therapist terminate a patient with an attachment?


*Why do I tend to develop attachment/bonds in therapy? (It hasn't occurred in some of my therapies.)

I didn't start therapy intending to feel attached. It just happened.

I fear attachment because it has hurt me horribly in the past- (PerpT, etc.)
I fear attachment because it has hurt me terribly when I had to leave PrevT.
I fear your rejection.
I fear doing therapy wrong.
I fear losing another "mother."
I fear feeling humiliated.
I fear bothering you.

I feel afraid.
I feel afraid of giving you/trusting you with so much of myself.
I feel embarrassed.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel too needy.
I feel ashamed.
I feel confused.

But attachment also feels comforting.

I'm not letting you get away with breaching my confidence. My personal information is NOT FOR SHARING!! Get a clue. Did they teach you anything in Grad school?

Even a friend would NOT be blabbing about my personal affairs all over the place. She didn't need Grad school to learn that either.

Dear T's,

Did you read my email yet? It's taking longer for you to respond than normal.

I did it! I saw her

I hope you're thinking of ME every minute you're getting enjoyment from having HURT ME!! (my T will understand what I'm saying)

Was it worth it????

How will you ever get out of it???

I hope you're okay and I didn't do something wrong.

I want to go away and start all over again.

Don't you ever tire of trying to find ways to manipulate people in your life? There is actually another way to live that includes being honest and having morals.

Dearest T. I keep reliving that hug you gave me. It is one of the best hugs I've ever had. I didn't expect it to be such a long hug, but we both just gave into it. It felt so natural to do so. I think that you tried to remain professional throughout the session, and that you could finally show me how much you cared via that hug. Do you think of it too?

I was looking at my appearance today and thought I sort of looked like Disney's Little mermaid. I wondered if you've ever thought I'm a quiet, shy little girl. Suddenly I was fed up of my hair so I cut them short and made them black. I don't really feel like myself now, but the adrenaline and sense of confidence I got made up for the sadness for cutting my beloved red hair. I feel hurt but angrier. It's a bittersweet feeling. I feel like someone else, who has never been abused or abandoned. I look ridiculously different, you would barely reconize me if we bumped into each other and this makes me so excited somehow.

I don't want you in my head.... trust me you don't want to be there either.

T, I was extremely sad and worried about sending you the text last night. I questioned if I really needed to message you or if I was just trying to contact you. I know now that I made the right decision. My headache was getting worse from all the crying. I just needed some relief. I took my migraine med but I couldn't stop crying. Then I remembered that I have some Seroquel left in the house but I wasn't sure if, being an addict, I should take it. If you remember, I tried abusing it in the past, along with everything else you gave me to stop my anxiety. . So I decided to text you.

I was so worried that either you wouldn't respond or you'd give me a one word answer. I just can't "read" you when you do that. You didn't though. It wasn't a long reply but just enough. "Good Idea. It will pass."

Thank you. I really needed the go ahead to help me calm down and get some sleep.

dear t

today was so scary. at work. thanks for texting me back while i was there. it helped me calm down. so thanks. im glad its over now and im in bed. see you on tuesday

me