Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Honesty is always best in therapy... In my opinion.

^^Thanks for this.^^

You think you know someone and then Wham!! They pull a 180 degree turn around on you.

If we're being honest here, I'm not a fan of therapy or really you at the moment. It's not that you've done anything awful, but I think my frustration with therapy has spilled over to you as well. And I am absolutely convinced that you're going to deny a comment you made that kinda stung at our last session when I talk to you about it this week. This is why I hate confronting things (and the irrational emotional side of my brain).

Dear MC,

Had a really rough night tonight. Please don't have a reason to cancel tomorrow. I need you.

dear T

i hope you like the pics i emailed you. i had a good time today. there are some things i wanna mention in session though. its puzzling to me why i feel this way. im being vague here but yeah, i dont really understand it or where it comes from..maybe you can help

me

Dear T,
I sent you a long e-mail. Please call me. Or write back. I know I see MC tomorrow, but I'm scared about some of the stuff that came up with H. Like about me being an "OK mother." Please help me. Thanks!]

T, I really need to talk about my finances. I think that I need some guidance or some words of wisdom and encouragement. What I do not want to hear is that I should see you less. Two reasons why. I really feel that I need more therapy right now so cutting back is the wrong idea in my opinion. The other reason is that I have just now reached the point where the insurance company will start paying like 40% of my bill. This means $90 a visit vs. $150. I am really bad with math as you know but I think that it is almost like buying one appointment and getting the 2nd free.

You have told me over and over that you hate to see me spend my hard earned money on more therapy than I need. I appreciate the sentiment but I need it right now.

I am going to tell you what I have written above and I hope that you understand where I am coming from. I need to be able to talk about my struggle with money and you are the safest person for that. Others that I have tried to talk to about it either start offering me money which I do not want OR they are probably thinking that I am hinting around for money from them. I don't want anyone's money.

Two more days, woo! Are you going to email me back today? By the way I've stopped drinking because it is starting to become problematic.

dear t,

I need to see you.

Dear pdoc

2 weeks and 3 days until I finally see you again. I'm not just looking forward to it because I think you're hot. We need to talk about my medication. These aren't doing anything. So what are you going to let me try next? I know it's hard to find the right medication that will work, but I really need something to make me feel less terrible.

Dear T,
Yeah, sorry about that long e-mail. I'm mostly OK now.

Dear former T,

I know it's been 2 years since I've seen you but I still think about you and hope you are doing well. You made such a difference in my life beyond what I could ever repay you for. I wish our paths would cross again in the future so I could tell you. Do you still think about me? I know you said you'd never forget me but did you really mean it?

Your response to my email was exactly what I wanted. I'm not going to say it was a test, but if it was, you passed

dear T

do i text? i think not.

T,
I took a big risky step for me. I told you it was now ok for you to read the letter I wrote to ex-T years ago that explain what happened to me when I was young. I'm still not sure I want to talk about it with you yet.
I was feeling pretty "OK" last week, but this past weekend I just went downhill. I'm back to crying and aching for old T again.
I've always gotten motion sickness easily so this see-saw ride is NO FUN! I want to get off!!!

That's often how it looks. But you are building a trusting relationship and that's progress too.

It might be worth getting a temporary T to fill the gap. And maybe this is an opportunity to try a different style.

Do I need you anymore?

Dear MC,
You made me feel better about myself--I needed that today. I wish I could give you a hug. (And not just because of the whole transference thing.)

Thank you so much for today!

Darling T -

I only have to sit with this, alone, for 24 more hours.
In 24 hours you'll take it from me.
I appreciate the outside support you give me.
So much.
Thank you.

~EM

dear T

feeling low today for no reason. nothing bad is going on and theres nothing to worry about. but i feel the hole in my chest and it wont go away. i hope its gone by tomorrow morning. maybe its from all the excitement and socialization of yesterday. see u tomorrow T

me

dear T,
sorry about everything I'm about to print out and hand to you tomorrow... I know it's a lot, but... I don't know how to meaningfully condense it.
so, yeah... sorry about all that reading material. o_O

I feel like I keep screwing up and making things worse. I hope it's all in my head. Right now I'm hurting mentally, dentally and bodily. And i overate. And last night I kept feeling like something was trying to burble up from the depths of my consciousness. It was not a pleasant sensation and it kept me awake until almost 7 this morning. Even with diazepam. What do I do? I've been trying for so long now. I feel myself shutting down. Letting things go. Giving up. Please tell me things will get better. I've had several years now of depression and anhedonia. About the only time I feel better is during my appointments.

With all I have to go through, you just had to make it all worse didn't you? You understand nothing, zippo, nada. After all the shenanigans, lies, coaching, acting and cover-up, what it all comes down to is that I have more problems and I no longer have you to help me.

Was that the game plan all along? Dumping me and finding a replacement?