Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

T,
You said to me, today, that "... when you let go of me you have me because when you let go of me I can get closer to you. Because then it's not crazy." I replied, "You're not afraid to get closer to me then?"

You said, "It's not fear, it's that it's ok then. I'm not feeding into something that is unhealthy." I said, "You mean that you won't hurt me?" You replied, "Right. I'm not going to hurt you." I said, "I don't mean physically I mean emotionally." You agreed, "Right. Emotionally."

Now here's my thought... The idea of us being closer. You even mentioned friends once while at the same time revealing reservations in saying that to me. So if the idea of being closer to you is something that I would love... Why isn't that enough to make me want to let go of you? Do I need to get to the point where I can 'take you or leave you,' so to speak? It feels like you are saying you can have something when you no longer want it.

If that's not a mind f*** I don't know what is.

I trust you though. I'm not angry about this it just seems almost impossible but you keep telling me that it is possible. Maybe I need to go back to what you said months ago, "Leave me alone when I'm not around." That might mean posting here less and trying to be more present rather than thinking about you.

I just want to say one more thing that I will probably never say this way, I love you so much. I love you for the way you care for me and my wellbeing. I love you for treating me better than my parents ever did. Thank you.

dear t: a week from today you are supposed to be here for a few days! I'm sitting here thinking tonight, you know, I am likely going to cry when I first see you. I'm just emotional like that, you know. Be ready for it! I'm also sitting here with a healthy dose of "she might NOT come" too. Just being realistic, and all. Because it's been 2.5 years since we sat in the same room. I don't miss you as much as I used to, not by a long shot, but I still want to see you one last time. That's still important to me, for whatever reason. So I hope you don't change your plans. And I hope you remember to text me like you said you would to arrange a meeting. If you don't I'm going to call you, bet on it.

Dear Pdoc,
I'm sorry I walked out on our appointment yesterday. It's just really hard for me to talk to you. It was only the 4th time I saw you. You're still a stranger to me. And then you ask me all those questions about my feelings and thoughts. It was so hard for me to speak, to form words. I got a panicattack, I had to cry. I couldn't do that in front of you. So I walked out.
Thank you for emailing me to ask why I ran out. I haven't aswer you yet, but I will.

Dear T,
In your email back to me you wrote that you were alarmed at what I wrote to you. I didn't mean to. I don't want you to worry. I don't know if you worry about me. I just wanted to be totally honest with you.

Darling T -

I'm so nervous about tomorrow.
I don't know what's going to be said.
You said not to be nervous.
So much unknown.
Things only you know are going to be told to another.
I'm worried.
I'm frightend.
I'm scared.
I'm trying to cling to your, "things will be OK" statement.

Still extremely nervous.

BW,

~EM

What are you doing to rectify the disgraceful situation you created for me???

I miss you.

But I hate you for hurting me and I know you were wrong.

Dear tt,

I am so grateful you were my therapist. Thanks for the accolades this week. I hope Sunday gets you a break and you choose not to fill it with the mundane of life; relax a little and enjoy.

Our relationship had become so warm and loving and easy and safe for me. But all I had to do is screw up onve. This feels way too familiar

hey T

group went well today i thought. im surprised i even shared a little! i liek your group. i like meeting with you afterwards too. youre a good T

me

Dear T,
I want to see you. Now I have been honest with you, about finding therapy so hard and everything, I can't wait to see you. I want to talk to you. From your email to me it didn't seem like you want to end therapy with me. If you still want to be my T after me telling you all that... I don't know. I think I'm surprised. I was sure you wouldn't want to see me anymore. I just can't understand why anyone would want to work with me. Past T's were Always pretty soon giving up on me, sending me to another T.
Thank you.

Dear T, I think of that quote " I don't trust words,I even question actions but I never doubt a pattern" and it helps.

You have supported me so often in so many ways, this is your pattern. I dob';t know if I believe the verbal sparring we seem to be stuck in. I feel I'll ignore it and carry on because I trust in your actions.

Dear T,

I am missing you.

Dear T,
I want to walk in to your office and open the gates of myself. Collapse on the floor and cry until there is nothing left.

Are you really coming T? Huh? Are you? Are you? I must know!

(this is 15's version of "are we there yet?" 5 minutes after the car leaves the driveway)

ahahahahaha

I'm supposed to be working on my presentation for work. It's much funner to sit here and think about seeing you again. But I'm gonna go put on my big girl pants and get to work on my presentation now.

I want to talk to you so badly right now and break down right in front of you but I don't like that I feel this comfortable because just thinking of the day that our relationship ends also makes me want to break down. I want so much to get close to others and be vulnerable with them but I only want to talk to you right now. No one else gets it. Just you and it means the world to me.

My heart is broken. I know it's really no big deal in your life but it really is in mine. I have lots of idea of how to manage tonight but most of them probably aren't very smart

Dear T,

I know you are super busy with graduation and everything..and that's why we couldn't have our appointment this week. But if I feel like this tomorrow, I'm going to call you.

Remember you said, "Call anytime! Email anytime!"
All I think I need is a short check in.

It's scary? Anxiety-provoking? Feels bad? ...feeling this dependent on you and I don't like. The last time I felt dependent ...and let that person in my life..he wrecked my life. I wrecked my life?

You are so nice. I don't like it at all.

Dear T,
Tonight I don't want you, I don't want previous T and I don't want some 'other'. I want my husband. He's out there, missing me too I know. He loves me as best as he's able I suppose...
I'm worth more than the best he's able. The best he's able to do is love what I can do for him. And he hates me because he loves me, and maybe hates me even more because I love him.
I want a phantom, a man who never existed. The real person is a broken child who refuses to grow up, hiding in a man-sized shell raging at the world and hating it for caring.
I'm heartbroken for the man he'll never be.

I really need you. Sent you an email with 911 in the subject line. My dog is sick and may not make it another day. I knew it was a long shot that you'd answer, even if you check your email this weekend. You've been more distant since I showed you my new car. I miss the support I used to get from you. I really need that support right now. I'm trying to stay strong for the dog, but am crying so much that my eyes are nearly swollen shut. I'm pretty sure that you may as well cancel my appointment on Monday. If the dog is still alive, she won't be able to travel and i won't leave her alone. If she dies, then I won't be able to drive. .

You've been such an important part of my life. You helped me stabilize. What a long, strange trip it's been.

You can try and hide all you want but YOU are responsible for taking away my job, reputation, character and whatever goodness was left in my life.
I am trying to hold it together but...you have no concept of anything it seems. Maybe you should consider retiring early. I thought you liked me and for that I have to pay this price?? Do you treat the people you don't like better?
I am holding YOU accountable and I will be seeing you again to tell you face to face what you have cost me. You owe me!! That is how it stands now. There is nothing left for you take away from my life.

Dear T,

I am so confused.....

Thanks for commenting on my pictures yesterday.

As usual... I know how to tell you that I just can't at the moment.

Dear tt,

...almost near the end.