Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Thank you so much for your words, it meant a lot to me.
I have to talk to her, and also tell her about the other t - whom I'm not going to see anyway, unless she decides to dump me because of this. It's time to open my heart and find the courage to be completely honest about how I feel and the fears I've never faced to not hear something I might not like..

dear t: I'm feeling on the inside like the stupid little girl that my parents always made me believe that I was back then and I hate this feeling. But it's not true and I know it's not true. I'm just letting the negative inner voices get the better of me. I'm talking back to them like we have worked on. They're bugging me about you, too, saying **** like I can't handle life w/out you. This is not true either. They need to shut the hell up and go away. Pronto.

Now you are just being cold. At least tell me if you really were threatening to.kick me out of therapy. Don't just let that hang there. It's turning ugly inside me. Just a yes or no by itself would make a big difference

I'm just going to keep posting here because at this point I don't think there is any good reason to contact you. But I'm going nuts

Dear T
I'm nervous for tomorrow. I know we have to talk about what I wrote to you in my email to you. I've never been so honest to someone. It's scary. Talking about things like what I wrote, it makes me afraid that that will be when you decide it's enough. That I;m too difficult. That you will end therapy.

So many thoughts raced in my mind ...yet I couldn't bring myself to actually say it...arrghhh!!!! I wish I had the courage. They r just words...they won't bite n neither will u. Acted so stupid today!!!!blech !! Next session..I hope I do better...

I don't like this distance. I don't like that I can't feel like I'm actually *in* my life. I feel like I'm just watching a bad b-movie.
I really wanted to give you that journal before I actually walked in. Then it lost it''s "value"... I don't connect to it. I don't connect to anything we are talking about, or anything I do... It's really frustrating. :/
It feels weird, like I can't reliably process things into a more long-term memory. And I'm aware of it, so it's annoying. I know things happen, I know I have emotions, or go places, or think about thing, but once it's over, I can;t recall it. I don't recognize what I wrote about either, at least, not in the sense that it was something "I" wrote.
I don;t know how to fix this. I don't like it at all.

I am foot-stomping grumpy tonight. Completely in the grip of 15. Blech!!! You would ask me how I could use 15's grumpiness in a positive way. Perhaps the best thing I can think of is to send her (and myself!) to bed early.

CBT T--Sometimes as I'm trying to understand what you are getting at, I think it is a shame that you are trying so hard. You don't seem very good at this.

I really wanted to text you tonight because I'm having an incredibly hard time with all these emotions brought up by these new trauma memories, but it's not an emergency. I just wanted reassurance. It was really comforting to have you come sit by me today--I never knew your were blue. I know I should be able to comfort myself. That's why I'm writing here instead of texting of you like I wanted to.

Thanx for saying that I could've called you during the weekend's crisis. You just allayed a huge fear I've had that you were tired of hearing from me. OK, maybe I still worry about that. I doubt I will need to call, but it was still nice to hear it.

You are the scum of the earth and will be held accountable for what you've done. I hope sooner rather than later but the higher power will have to make that call.

Two weeks gone, two more to go...

You are one in a million.
Tell me everything will stay the same and that I can see you again when you're back.
I am never going to find a T like you again.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.

If you had a conscience or any compassion whatsoever, you never would have done this to me. You STILL have not apologized and owned up to your responsibilities. You are forcing me to take the next step. Remember that!

I wonder what your doing right now. Are you on vacation? Is it nice? I hope you're having a good time.

You may get away with your lies again but you won't get away for ever. Sooner or later someone will catch you.

But that's no sweat for you is it? You'll get right back on the horse again (as you always do).

i can't stand the suspense. are you still coming? are you going to text me to let me know when/where we can meet? i am way too obsessed with this seeing you again thing. holy crap. and my stubborn won't let me email you to ask.

Dear T, you're kind of amazing.

It was apparent this last session that you had some strong feelings about my problem, and wanted to offer a judgment of your own. It was also pretty obvious that we both probably shared that point of view, but I wasn't ready to go there myself.

And so we just sat there together for a split moment in silence ... because, I suspect, you didn't want to influence my process with your own opinion. I suspect you knew I need to come to this realization on my own. It needs to come from me.

In short, you allowed room for my own agency.

Because you know I'm capable.

And in that brief moment of not saying the thing we were both thinking, you empowered me to feel it for myself.

I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate your validation as well as your restraint.

I know. I get it.

Thank you.

Darling T -

What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm supposed to be progressing we both know I'm progressing I can see changes.
Then it's like I just ran into a brick wall face first and I can't think, I can't breathe, I feel so lost.
If I'm progressing I shouldn't feel this way.

BW,

EM

You hurt me so bad I wanted to die. I wish I could hold onto my anger.

Instead, I miss you.

Dear T,
I need to tell someone how bad my suicidal ideation is. The urges the thoughts and plans are scary. I need help but I don't know how...

Dear T,
Thanks for being awesome, as usual, today. And you actually gave me like an extra 10 minutes! That never happens (you're very bound by the clock, unlike MC). Wish I could have talked to you for another hour. I like that we were able to joke around, including about my transference with MC, even though we were talking about a serious topic. Thanks, too, for giving me words to express to my p-doc, who I've known for only like 5% of the time I've known you, what's going on with me, hopefully without freaking her out. And it helped to know that I seem sort of "off" to you, too--hoping it's the Effexor instead of just my brain...

I hope you can share your thoughts with your therapist. Consider writing out your thoughts if you think it might help. Even just writing a little bit to read can break the ice. Also my therapist tells me that if I wasn't scared about my thoughts I might go through with it. Take solace in that I think.

Achy turtle armour

I can't let her know. She will get me put in the hospital and thats even worse. Plus they would push medications which only makes my ideation into attempts.

I called and asked if I could bump up my appointment and she asked if I was sucidal and I think she heard the hesitatio in my voice when I said no.

I have no one. I am isolated I don't have my family here nor friends. Either they hav been scared of my mental health or my mental health won't let them in.