Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

I'm glad that you are there to vent to, either here or in real life.

I need you To talk to me. This rupture is messing me up big time and you are going on with life like nothing happened. It makes me mad that how much you hurt me doesn't even seem to matter. if I continue with Thera therapy things will never be the same again.

Must not email you.
Must nOt.
But damn I want to

Dear T,
I wish we could talk again. I wish I could have explained how I felt the last time we saw each other. I wish our work together had been different, but that was on me. I wasn't able to understand what I needed so there was no way I could've asked for it.
It still hurts, you know, that gaping hole you left in my heart.
Why you? You're not supposed to die on me. Did you know that?

Dear MC,
There's something I need to bring up tomorrow that I'm scared to bring up. Please don't freak out or anything. I think it's probably a side effect of my new medication. I know it's something I should talk to p-doc or individual T about, but I don't see them till Fri. and Wed., and I see you tomorrow. If you could just maybe reassure me that everything will be OK? (Also, don't have reason to cancel!)

I haven't seen you for a week and i'd love to say i am doing fine, but i feel so far from you and alienated from everything. I am hurting and i miss you in a way i never thought is possible

Thank you for not saying, "I told you so" or bringing up the codependency discussion again.

Yes, I am backsliding bc I brought him here to live with me, but how was I to leave him in what I perceived to be abusive situation when all I ever wanted in my life was for someone to help me. He's a 13-y.o. in a 51 y.o. body. I remember very clearly what was happening to me at 13.

T,
I talked to my husband today. It was a nice change to my isolation. I'm so lonely I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could explain that I talk more to you than anyone in my home.

I wonder how many of your clients you say the exact same incredibly kind, reassuring, personal things you say to me each week. Do they really mean anything, or are they just therapeutic words that you repeat six to eight times a day?

(Channeling Emily Litella) Never mind.

I need to debrief!

I'm not doing well keeping you out of my head. I want to see you so badly. I suppose it is good I am not going to see you soon because I would start doing that thing where I stare at you. You would catch me & tell me to stop. I keep wondering why I continue to choose to hold on to you when it causes so much pain for me but I just realized that there's the feeling I get when I am thinking about you and it is nice. It's warm. It feels safe. It relaxes me or something.

This reminds me of getting high. I enjoy the beginning of it. The way it makes me feel but just the same as my thoughts about you, it causes problems later. Maybe that's what you were trying to tell me when you said, "I'm like a drug to you and then when you are away from me you are going through withdrawal."

I miss you

15 is stomping her petulant little foot this morning.

Darling T -

I just realized that you know me better than anyone.
That fact terrifies me.

BW,

~EM

Dear T. You were always there for me for a long time. You were my safe haven. You provided the secure base I never had when growing up. It hurts like crazy that that's all over now. I miss you so much. Why did I end therapy?

I just called to tell you that I'll be at my appointment this evening. I really need it after this weekend. Thank you so much for agreeing to meet outside. I love being in your office, it always feels safe in there, but I need to make sure that the dog is comfortable and that your carpet is safe. I'm really exhausted and will probably stop and get an iced coffee on the way down there. Not sure how much it will help; I drank a 16-oz. energy drink yesterday evening and still had trouble staying awake.

Well, I'm off to find some clean clothes to put on. Wish me luck.

Dear MC,
You said all the right things today, just what I needed to hear. I don't know why I was so afraid to talk to you about that. So thank you--you're awesome.
Also, you commented on how you have a certain impression of me, having known me for a while now, and that pretty much anything I say isn't going to change that very much. Part of me would love to know what that impression is. But the other part of me is kinda terrified to know!

Ugh. Sometimes I hate options. I found out my insurance will cover sessions, so I could in theory start coming to your private practice. But I could take our recent goodbye as a clean break and say "sayonara" to therapy completely. I wish I knew what I wanted...Can there be an "off" button for me to press on this until September?? One thing's for sure--I'm NOT starting over with someone else at the university's counseling services. It took me forever to trust you, and I can't build that back up with someone new in only a year. That exhausts me just thinking about it.

Longest 36 hours ever!!!
I want it to be time for my session! !!!
Also I think we should make it triple length. One hour isn't going to be enough time at all.
Things are such a mess but at least I want to see you and work it out or try to anyway

Dear T.
I contacted another therapist. I feel I'm drowning and there's no one to notice it. I wonder if you would give up on me if I found the courage to tell you, so I felt this urge to have "someone else" to eventually cling to. It was so hard T. I didn't like anyone online.. then I got a very kind reply from this one very close to my place. She seems really nice. She's older. And screaming "maternal transference" in my mind - which is the only thing I don't have now. I don't even wanna think about it adding to the mix. I don't want to work with her, T. I don't want to work with anyone else.

I told her I'm not new to therapy, that you helped me through the most intense period and biggest changes of my life but now you might want to end things quickly as you are going to leave temporarily so I might need someone else because I don't seem to be stabilizing "in time" as everything in my life keeps changing. I'm suffering deeply from all these changes, why don't people get it.

She asked me what makes me believe that such a caring T whom I'm so fond of would be tired of me just because I'm not well or they're leaving and if I talked to you about this. She then asked me why I haven't and what about doing it.

I'm depressed. I hate myself. I feel completely lost, not because you are leaving but because I am somehow sure you think I'm too slow and you can't wait to terminate before you leave so that you won't have this pending client once you're back. I've always dreaded you telling me I'm too slow and I need to go. I've been kicked out for my whole life. I've never really felt ready for anything.

I felt empty. She made me promise I would talk to you and take time for the sessions with you now.
Now I feel horrible because of all the times you told me "your space is there and will always be until needed" and we will only terminate by mutual agreement, even just a few days ago. I don't know why I can't believe you entirely, I don't want to live with the threat of abandonment for my whole life. I want to come to terms with myself so desperately. Why does it have to be so painful?

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. if it's ok. I know that feeling all too well. Once I started to trust my therapist it made all the different in my therapy. I can not tell you how many times I asked him if he would leave me or thank him for not leaving me when I was difficult. Actually I still do that but not as often. Be honest with your therapist.

T, I guess I should be happy that you trusted me enough to tell me that you are going on vacation sometime soon but would be back in time for the next appointment. Instead all I can think of is that you may not be in town and that is an uncomfortable feeling. My issues with object permanence are coming to the surface. I feel the need to know where you are. Where are you?! I don't like this. I even drove by the hospital today, which I haven't done in months! I was near by but I still wasted time to look for your car. I didn't see it. Are you gone? Why does this have to be an issue with me? I'm an effing adult.

I might ask you not to tell me next time if you think I am as unwell as I am now. I think I'd rather pretend that you are just down the road eating dinner at home, sleeping in your bed, going to work and then repeating the same thing.

Dear t: I hope you're still coming and I hope you remember to text me. I don't want to bug you this early in the week. But I guess I am going to text you on Thursday if I haven't heard from you yet by then. It's just that, I do not want to miss this opportunity to see you one last time.

CBT T- I'm run down and tired. Just be there for me this week, ok?

Dear t, after a hard week and much consideration about you calling me whiny, I can let it go but first I need to say something. I know your intention was not to hurt me, although I can't see how someone wouldnt be hurt by being called whiny, I can see that you just wanted to make me aware of how my voice changes and how I look on the outside. You didn't need to though because I already no this as I have been told that before which you well know. So now I am wondering if you called me that to get a reaction or to just make me aware either way it's ok because I will not play these games with you. I will tell you this week not to be disrespectful anymore.