Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Ex-"therapist":

Today I hate you. What you did to me was horrible. I realize now that your stupid speeches and your stupid preaching and your Bible verses were harmful and damaging and wrong and I was stupid for sitting through them. I am glad to be rid of you, but I still hate you.

I have some things I wanted to talk to you about tonight. One an unusual comparison that came to mind today. Of course, I can't tell you since we're on the outs. I won't tell someone else because... well... I just won't. It's nothing huge so don't get the wrong idea. Maybe it will make sense some day.

I'm not referring to what happened between us at all, because that will never make sense. There was no rhyme or reason to it as far as I can tell. Well, let me rephrase that, there was no rhyme or rational reason as far as I can tell. Too bad.

Fake it 'till you make it...
I'm wondering if that works for my attachment to you? Of course that would mean faking it 24/7, not just around you which is really when I want to fake it. I have this dream of going on walks with you in nature. I don't see that as even a remote possibility unless I lose my attachment. It would probably never happen even then.

I have begun to try to stop thinking of myself as a freak when it comes to my dual feelings towards you. I have such strong emotions when I think about you sometimes. I just wish I could accept that my dad wasn't able to love me like I needed when I was little.

I feel like I am all over the place here.

When dad was at my house he fixed ex-H's computer for me. He took my laptop. I got the better computer in the end. I wonder if he took my silly stickers off of it. Anyway, dad spent several hours working on the computer and I wanted to help him. He let me hold the flashlight. I fetched the screwdriver he needed.

In the end though, I found myself sitting on the floor at his feet. Trying to talk to him. He was quite distracted and into what he was doing. Then I got a flashback of my childhood. Just like I mentioned the other day. Desperate for his attention and wishing he was as excited to be with me as I was to be with him. He even hurt my feelings about how dirty and dusty my house is but it didn't deter me.

I want so badly to just not give a s*** about any of this. I swear I feel like I am getting sick again. I'm crying less now but my hands are as shaky as ever. I'm at the point where they are bothering me again. It's times like these that I really miss numbing myself with drugs. I'm considering using the non drug way to numb myself but I really only use that when I am so upset I feel out of control. 54 days SI free. 46 days drug free. 9 days till I see you... I hope.

I love you.

The CADC has a high standard of ethics. I wonder if they know what you've been up to lately. I think you have stooped to the lowest level imaginable. I suppose you're trying to break me so you could say, see I told you so. How sad is that?

Just for tonight, I'm feeling better and have relaxed a bit.

Talking to you on the phone helped...

...but mostly when I said, "I think I need to talk to you about my attachment fears on Friday," you said, "That's fine. Then we will."

....that I think the attachment feelings, the neediness and my caring for you must come from a very young part of me... It embarrasses and frightens me. As I said, I worry about this. I am afraid I am going to be hurt, that I'm too much..or I will be rejected somehow.

I SO appreciated you saying,

"I don't want you to worry a bit about this. I find that worry is a time waster."

Then I said, "So I just feel what I feel?" You agreed.
Also, you said it is your job to not hurt me further...or something like that.

Thank you so much!

You know, it feels a bit like love....a child love for parent or teacher...but that can't be, can it? I don't know you well enough.

Thank you for helping me feel better, though. ❤️

This made me tear up a little because I know exactly what you are going through AND your therapist said just the right things. This may sound weird, but he/she sounds as awesome as my therapist.

Thank you, thank you, Achy Turtle Armor,

It is good to know someone else is experiencing this. I feel less alone.

Sometimes I think about posting, "Does anyone else feel like this?"...with attachment struggles in therapy that may come from a young place...but I can't think of how to word it.

Yes, my therapist said just the right things to me with empathy and comfort that was reassuring and helped build my trust with her.

No, it doesn't sound weird...and I'm very glad you have an awesome therapist, too. Wonderful therapists are out there. I'm glad you found one.

I ditto ATA. I feel the same way about the attachment stuff and haven't really been able to put it into words for myself. I also believe I have a pretty awesome T.

Darling T -

I don't want to tell you that I did something this week that I hadn't done in years.
I'm scared for you to know.
I'm mad that I did it.
I wish I hadn't.
I don't know what to do about it...

BW,

~EM

Dear t: thanks for saying that you've never experienced me as a pest. And thanks for saying that you're looking forward to seeing me at the end of the month, too. We done good in my therapy t, we done real good!!!!!

I've been thinking about our hug at the final session again. It still makes me feel so loved.

I'm glad you're using my suggestion to buy flowers at the supermarket for your mom. I know she will be impressed and maybe next time you see her she'll make your favorite dinner. It warms my heart that you will see her on mother's day with flowers in hand. I'm always looking out for you, you know?

Things you give me are something I would never even dare think of getting before I met you. That you offer to hold my hands when I feel completely alone and far away from you, and that you touch me like I am not a bit disgusting. That you held me like a little child, and it was the most at home I've ever felt. What I feel for you is beyond words, it's more than I have ever felt. You're my sunny day.

Even when all this ends, and even if it ends with you leaving or hurting me, I don't mind. This right now, with you, is me feeling at home. This is me feeling loved. This is me happy.

I'm all hearts for you.

Dear T,

Hoping you don't take my email as a suicide note but can't say I care much anymore if you do. I don't know how to draw the line between looking out for others and helping myself. So I'm thinking i'll just let the chips fall where they do. Whatever. Thanks for being the sweetest person on earth through this.

Finally... Something that I don't think that I can tell/show my therapist...

David Gray - Please Forgive Me

Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning
Running through my veins
Every time I look at you.
Every time I look at you.

Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And there's so much I want to say.
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way, ah
When you look at me that way.

Throw a stone
And watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into that mystery, ah
Deep into some mystery.

I got half a mind
To scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I will never have to
Lose you (girl)
So I won't ever have to say goodbye
I won't ever have to lie.
Won't ever have to say goodbye.

Whoa I,
Whoa I,
Whoa I

Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning
Running through my veins
Every time I look at you.
Every time I look at you.
Every time I look at you.
Every time I look at you.

Dear MC,

I had a dream about you last night. For some reason I was going to your house for therapy. We were sitting on your bed talking, which I found to be a bit odd, then you laid down. You said I could lie down next to you (or on you) if I wanted. And I laid down with my head on your chest. It wasn't sexual really, just comforting. It was nice.

Dear T. Not a day goes by without thinking about you. Even if I'm having a great day and I don't think about you at all, at the end of the day you always cross my mind. I still love you.

I picked a day, we have time but I don't expect a change.

During the first 40 minutes of chat I kept thinking you don't hear me anymore. I thought about the other T. A fresh T, a new start..

Then you said: Fire away Ambra, please. You are distressed.

Wow. I loved your enthusiasm in hearing my wish for the next sessions. You said it's so good to hear about my needs: then I realized I do NOT communicate. I've always let you do the job of reading my mind but you can't always guess right. I'm sorry I made it so difficult for both of us.

I want to stick with you because I felt I can still get the most from therapy with you - if I communicate. Thank you for giving me the same old answer when I tried to figure out if you plan to terminate before your leave.

I can't wait to start working on that.


P.S. All those sudden questions about the other therapist made me feel cared for and not a burden you want to get rid of.

hey tt,

thank you for accepting my elemtary writings with all the mispellings. That's why I love you.

tt

Thank you for this one:

Yeah. Where they do NOT understand customer service!

On that note - goodnight.

I don't know where to put this...here or on the Couch:

Therapy yesterday was both confusing and astonishing!

I don't know whether to run away or squeal with glee!

I don't know!

tt
I left it.

I just heard one functions better on all nighters compared to 4 hours sleep. But at some point...

Well don't leave us hanging in suspense! What happened?

Ok, ****trigger***** ***trigger*****
I don't know how to do the "hide" trigger..
.
.
I wrote this to T yesterday after the session:

Dear T,

I cried all the way home trying to figure this out-

Wait wait wait
Are you saying you are volunteering to be the parent/teacher/sister safe attachment?..the safe holding I never received? Are you saying that my feelings for you (whatever they are) are expected and part of a plan to somehow bring together my shredded ..pause... What was shredded again....me?

Ok, you are saying you will let me depend on you and care about you? So, if I felt love for you- that comes from a young part-that it is welcome and part of the plan? You not only accept these feelings...but they are desired...as part of a plan to help me?

Did you say that when my mother told me she did not stop the abuse because she was afraid she would "get it" too...."Do you know what your mother was telling you? She was telling you that through all of your childhood, you were never safe." ?

Did you say we were now going to be looking back at all of the pieces and shreds and making sense out of them...or something..?

The reason I am having trouble accepting my positive feelings toward you is because I expect if I feel that way I am doing something bad. My mind is screaming, "No, no, no, don't get attached again!"

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It has been fifteen difficult years since I have had that (safety)..or something like that. PrevT has been there long distance but you offer me, also, the safety of your presence. I haven't felt safe FOREVER.

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Sometimes I hate to leave your office. Don't you get the sense that I am talking fast..taking in breaths, really, before I have to go back to my real life and drown. That's what it feels like.

Does it make sense to you now why I feel like I am a child?

Later, I wrote:

Having my abuse history laid open...for me to look at it all together...with you...feels overwhelming.

I feel angry that when I tried to get help for myself ...Pdoc1 saw it but sexualized it....and Pdoc2 saw it and had sex with the shredded mess.
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