Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

You made a BIG mistake turning your back on me, trying to manipulate me, trying to impress others with your so-called knowledge about me by breaking my confidentiality. You had NO RIGHT to talk to anyone about me!! They had NO RIGHT to repeat over and over again CONFIDENTIAL information about me to anyone. NO RIGHT!!!

MY LIFE IS NONE OF ANYONE'S BUSINESS UNLESS I CARE TO TELL THEM!!!

I MADE A BIG MISTAKE TELLING MY T ANYTHING!

You have NO IDEA how much I have LOST in all of this nor did you care enough to be HONEST and APOLOGIZE AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

YOU WILL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN.

Dear Individual T: Thanks so much for giving lots of thought to and consulting colleagues (while maintaining my confidentiality) to determine the best course of action regarding my feelings for my marriage counselor (MC). It really means a lot to me and shows me that you care about me.

Dear MC: (I know I posted something to you yesterday, but I think this is just hitting me now.) Oh God, I confessed my attraction for you, "both emotionally and physically." You were totally awesome about it, but I'm still kind of freaking out over the fact that you now know. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! OK, I feel a little better now.

T:

I almost feel we might be getting somewhere, just a tiny bit of movement. But do you know what I want to do? I want to give up I'm just so worn out from it all...

Dear old T,
I miss you so much. We worked together for almost 7 years. You know so much about me...more than anyone else. Why did you need to change jobs? Why did you need to leave me? It's been 8 months. I've tried three new therapists. No one comes close to you. I'm falling apart in life right now. I need your help. I want so badly for you to step down from your job and become a regular therapist again. Please? For me?

T,
Thank-you, thank-you for fighting for me.

T trigger warning
So frustrated, not with you but with myself. And my boss that can't get the right face and name to me.... and texts me to drive when I'm asleep... granted he didn't know I was asleep but he should have called. I'm annoyed by him and myself. I've thought of sui and feel crappier than normal. I just need to talk but I'm at work and can't talk..m so I complain on here. Just to get it out where I feel safe. Sui has become a short term answer. .. what's a better response..?? That's what I need to figure out with your help.... I can't do this alone.

dear t,

i'm seeing you a week today. it can't come any sooner. i've had my last day at the unit (YESS!!) but still have to go back for 2 meetings and topack my stuff. i miss you so much.

I miss you.

You must be such a good person to know in real life.

Hey t so I've got my thoughts on paper now the workings-out I did this past week, that I'll be sharing with you next week, typical of me, I'm still re-reading it and adding things haha but that's okay by the time next Thursday gets here, I might even completely understand it! It's all about how that comment you made at the end of January about my sighing, well it turned into therapy gold, it did; because I couldn't let go of it and kept bringing it up, I decided to think about WHY I kept bringing it up and that's what caused the good work.... this **** is so utterly fascinating, when I kinda step outside of myself and watch it unfolding, just, wow. I look back at my therapy journals and just reading bits and pieces here and there is like watching a flower bloom or something. Must be just a little bit of what you feel doing the job you do, getting to watch this happen in your clients. It must be quite fulfilling for you to be a part of, a witness to. THANK YOU for walking beside me on this journey. My appreciation knows no bounds.

o.....m.......g.......

"My appreciation knows no bounds"... that's why.... whoa.... that's why I can do this... what!!!

How did you do that?!?!?!!!!

(but with love) at myself!! This is so beautiful, T !!!!!!!

Dear T.
I hate that the snow cancelled our jt session last night. I can't wait to see you next week. You scared me by pointing out that i had some sort of trauma when I was little. But I don't remember anything! So, I asked my old her brother and he told me what it was. I read his email once and cried for my inner child who went through it. I haven't read it again because I want to with you in hopes that maybe I'll actually cry in your office. It explains all my crazy feelings towards you.

Dear T

I feel stuck with you. What are we accomplishing? Where are we going with our talks? I do not trust that you have the capabilities to help me. I feel like I am wasting my time with you. I don't have any other T who will take my insurance without going back to a worse T. Sorry but it is the way I feel.

GRRRRR

Dear T

You are so wonderfully validating it almost hurts. It's like being hugged when you have been bruised. The kindness hurts

dear T

youre so funny. and weird. but its ok. i understand your weirdness

me

Dear T,
I need you like right now... but I won't call you as we have a session monday anyways. I thought I could handle 3 weeks between sessions, but I can't. the last few days have been hell and I doubt today will be better.

Why did you think lying and manipulating me were ok? You obviously thought I was "less than" a human being. Have you any idea how that made me feel?

You lifted me up only to drop me like a hot potato. The landing was like falling on cement but I survived much to your dismay. Next time you want to kill someone find a better way.

I hope every time you meet with, see or hear from anyone you have met associated with me, that THEY WILL ALWAYS REMIND YOU OF ME AND THE HURT YOU CAUSED. You have no right to receive any luxuries or benefit in any way from what you did to me.

I feel like I should text you but I have no words and emoticons aren't gonna cut it.

To ex-t: You call yourself a "christian?" Ha. I will never believe that. Never. A true christian would NEVER hurt someone like that. Ever. What you did was evil.

T - wish we had a proper goodbye. I wish I didn't chicken out and asked you for a hug at our last session. I just didn't think it really was going to be the last time I would ever see or talk to you. We both thought there was time. I wish I really knew that you cared about me. I wish I could have heard you say it.

Dear T,
I'm feeling the lowest I have in a couple of years. It scares me. The thoughts are not good. I need help. I need meds now, not next month when i see my new pdoc

Three weeks is a really long time. I'm struggling. I'm trying not to email you.

Dear T, I'm nervous about seeing you tomorrow for the first time since confessing I have feelings for you (OK, that I'm attracted to you "emotionally and physically"). Especially since it will be with my husband. Please help make me feel secure, without also letting on to my husband what I told you.

Also, please help my husband agree that it's fine if I have an individual session with you, and maybe come up with some reason why I want it so he doesn't ask me too many questions...

Dear T,

If you don't have answers for me this week... well, you assume you can read me. The thing is, I've let you read me. Now I know your tricks and I know exactly how to step this time.

-Me