Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

hope you're okay.

Dear T, I'm all over the place. Monday was rough but I got through it without even contacting you. I'm so proud of myself because of that. Yesterday I was doing great so I thought I finally worked through something and things were getting better. I should've known better... Today is all messed up again. I'm getting really sick and tired of this rollercoaster.

See you in two days.

Can I pull a joke on you?

I'm getting more frustrated. What's the point of prescribing meds if we can't contact you when I'm sick??!!

We would have had a session today and could have really used one too. I have lots to tell you and I'm not seeing you for another 2 weeks!

I tried to call and leave a message, but I couldn't speak when it came to it. I can't get past whatever block is preventing me from being able to voice (verbally or in writing) anything right now... please figure out that was me? and please don't hate me? I'm just stuck right now...

deary T

today is a good day!

me

ps i told you about my anger at you and you didnt leave me or get mad back at me. that made me really happy!

I did good today

I so hope that in this relationship I will be able to tell you everything that ever happened to me and that that will be ok, that you will want to know. I hope that I don't ever feel gut crunching feelings of rejection. I hope that this relationship is so good that the feelings of being OK seep into my soul and I can surface and stop being the blocked person I've been most of my life. I hope you let me see you too.

Nervous breakdown. And our session is never soon enough.

((((((Ambra))))))

I wish I could have seen you today. Having to wait another week is too long.

why do i dread seeing you so much???? i feel relapsish and it's horrible

now that I managed to call and ask for the appointment, I'm at once calm and panicked. I know you are not ignoring me or mad, but the old voices in my head are screaming that right now

Hey standby Therapist,

Thanks for standing by me and helping me with my medical stuff.

I left my beloved job because it couldn't give me a future. Now I have this decent, boring job. Just one day and I want to die. I miss my ex boss, colleagues, the excitement and (almost) everything. They wrote me today "good luck sweetie" with a pic of us. It broke my heart. I cried all night. You have no idea how lost I feel. I threw up all the time. I don't know how to do, how to work, I'm the new one once again. Please see how I've been feeling. Please be kind with me. I'm not a spoiled brat. I'm a desperate person who is having a job/life crisis while dealing with csa and a crisis in my relationship already. Maybe it's me, but I don't know.. I just can't take it all at once. Please.

Hi T,
IDK what to do with this depression. I feel so horrible inside. I know that there's nothing more you can do. I'm hurting so badly.

Hi PDoc,
I know that you have my best interest at heart. The SSRIs keep making me physically ill. It gets to where I can't even walk from one end of the house to the other without getting shortness of breath and muscle burning. I had to cut back to a lower dose.

To Both of You: It feels like I'm not going to get any better. I want to call you, but I won't.

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I had a rough start to my week but today was the exact opposite. I am proud that I went to the meditation class tonight and I feel so lucky to have a therapist as wise as you. Everything the Buddhist monk told us tonight about anger were things that you have taught me. Things I have been doing already but it was a good reminder that I need to practice more. Hopefully I will feel this good tomorrow when I see you but if not that's okay.

Oh I am also proud that I acted like the manager I am supposed to be today. My employee was really working slowly this morning and so I found the courage to tell him, "Hey. You've got to pick up the pace. I know that this is kinda boring and repetitive but we're here and we have a lot of work to do." He sped up. Wasn't mad at me and we doubled our typical production rate for that kind of task.

dear t

i hope u like the present i got for ur office

me

Darling T -

Teach me how to do this.
I don't know how to do this.

~EM

I won't forget how much and how long you hurt me.
I won't forget how you betrayed and breached my confidence.
I won't forget the connections you made with people in MY PERSONAL LIFE that NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
I won't forget how you turned your back on me when I really, really, needed you.
I won't forget...

When you throw around words like "higher level of care" and "ethical obligation" and threaten me with four different scenarios under which you'll hospitalize me, but tell me it's not a power play, you're not trying to CYA, and never ever have a dialogue about my feelings--I don't believe you have my interests at heart, nor do I think that you are still interested in being my therapist.

I feel awful today.

Dear t,

I'm apparently in early labour... My life has changed so much since I last saw you.

I finally see you again tomorrow, T, but I don't know if I want to. I'm just so tired of all the emotions this termination process is throwing at me. I'm afraid that after seeing you it'll get even worse. I don't know if I can take it.