Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear both MC and T,

So there's this line in a song on a new album by one of my favorite bands (Built to Spill):

"I don't know how to never fall apart. Please tell me how to never fall apart."

And that just makes me think of me. And you. So...could you tell me how to never fall apart? Or at least how to deal when it happens?

Thanks,
Me.

I love that I have good reasons to think about you all week but at the same time I hate that I think about you all week. I won't be ready when this is over...I replay what you say to me during sessions over and over throughout the week and I don't want the time to come when those memories are all that I have...

Help....

Dear T,
I really hate the fact we cant have an appointment each week due to my new job. I know you tried to accomodante me with a new schedule, but my new job wont allowe it for me...I am sad

Dear tt,

I flew back late last night, and did not get all I wanted to do done today. Thanks for all the support you gave me getting through this penultimate hurdle. And yes, as soon as we both get a breather in the coming weeks we'll go out in celebrate the end of an issue that was started in therapy (remember I fought your view tooth and nail), and now has a happy-ever-after ending at least for this chapter. I already know you will be championing the next chapter.

Thank you for the reminder, puzzclar. I saw this yesterday, just before I got on the plane. I modified it a little and said I would take it an hour, then a minute at a time, and it worked. I was able to do my "adult stuff."

Dear T,

I am at a place with my issues/therapy that I feel like I can't email you and tell you how crappy I am doing right now. I don't like feeling this. I need to feel like I can contact my therapist whenever I am feeling crappy, no matter how redundant my problems are.

So t i feel like i'm sorta-kinda rudimentarily beginning to understand how this "stuff" works. it's like you only shared little 'bits' of you, so you could be like a blank canvas or screen or something that accepted my projections so I could work with them. you were my grandma for awhile, my dad for awhile, and though it pains me to admit it my mother for a good portion of the time - if you had TOLD me that I was projecting my mother onto you, I'd have clammed up in horror and run the other direction (even though that was clearly the biggest piece of work I needed to do I never wanted to admit it!) - but you smart cookie you, you didn't tell me that's what I was doing. Somehow it still worked though. Maybe somewhere in my psyche I secretly knew and kept the knowledge from my ego huh!! I figured it out after you made that one comment in January that led to me pulling back my projections. Amazing, incredibly fascinating stuff this is. I am so incredibly grateful to you.

Dear tt

...and the whine goes on. Sometimes, I wish I drank.

I wish I could write well.

My dear t: I wish I could have let myself tell you last week just how much I indeed want to see you again one last time in person. I wanted to shout "YES!" when you said you're planning to come to town next month to tie some things up and that we could meet while you're here, but I didn't, I was almost afraid to say anything so I just acted all cool about it. You've said in the past that at times you think you "hear" my psyche - I hope you heard it then so you know just how much I want this.

Dear T,

I have decided that you cannot help me. My descision has been made. I can't tell you because you will need to take action to stop me and I don't want that to happen. There is no reason to continue on, when there are too many shattered pieces.

Dear tt,

....procrastination, again. Maybe, someone needs to take a whip to me. Giddy up!

Dear any t out there.

Please help me.

I avoided some places today so I wouldn't run into you. I'm not ready for that yet. I still miss you too much. And I'm angry with you again. I don't think seeing you now would do me any good. Maybe in a couple of weeks.

Dear T,

I finally stood up for myself. I said exactly how I felt and that I didn't appreciate being treated the way I was.

dear T

im going to bring the last chapter you gave me in tomorrow and i hope i can talk about some of the things i highlighted. some of it really spoke to me. this chapter was a little harder to read for me, but i found it very interesting and thought provoking.

me

CBT T pleaaase don't beat me up over goals this week. I had to work straight through the weekend, no extra money for that when you are salaried!!!!

It's been a bad week. Be kind.

Dear T,
It occurs to me that I would trade you in a heartbeat for some good friends... Maybe I'm closer than I realize.

Things are bad again. I can't take it. Let me out of this!

You have ruined almost every relationship in my life and then you turned your back on me. Why would any T do this to their client? Especially when we had a good relationship? I don't understand why?????????

Dear T
I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. I just don't. I want to hide from everything. I wrote you a letter to explain why I'm struggling with going to therapy. But I havent send it yet. I'm scared.

I miss you and it hurts. And I hate myself for it.

Hey t. Ok so I am really starting to get excited about seeing you for reals!! I never imagined when you first moved that we would still be doing phone sessions after this long. Seriously, to have maintained the connection we have for this long without seeing each other in person is amazing to me. I know that takes work on your part and I appreciate that so much. You're definitely one of the good ones, t... one of the best.

dear T

thank you for saying even though i used to be a pain in the *** that i was a lovable pain the ***. ive been wondering if i was too out of control for you then. i know there were some times you questioned whether i needed some other type of care, like a different T or different treatment program. so it makes me feel good that even though i was acting out and being difficult you still enjoyed me, at least some of the time.

me

I see you in less than 50 minutes.... I'm scared. Why do I have to feel this way???