Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

dear T

well i did it. i told you that i love you. your response comforted me. i was so afraid to tell you this, because of my past i assume. its not romantic love or in love, you put it perfectly. like love for a parent. you said its natural and a very good sign. i am so relieved i told you and you responded so well. i was scared ! its still a little scary, but i am glad i told you that.

me

Dear T
If you only vaguely knew how painfully awful I am feeling right now (ah and I threw up) you would either give up on me once and for all or step to the conclusion that I need at least another 5-6 years of therapy.

T, Thank you! When I sent you my text tonight...

"Not doing well. Extremely worried about $. Called dad for advice but hung up cause I couldn't stop crying. Bad thoughts. Trying to push them away. Can you call me?"

I was so unbelievably upset that I didn't even care if that was 3 texts in 2 weeks. So first, thanks for putting up with that.

Then you called me a couple minutes later and gave me almost half an hour of your time. Thank you for that. I also think that you were trying to have dinner but you still called me. You were very helpful. When I see you in 2 days I will tell you that I went to my meeting after we spoke instead of sitting at home in my head. Then later I called my sister like you suggested.

I guess I'm just feeling grateful for you.

I wish I could have said thank you in a better way at our session...I hate that today might have been our goodbye for awhile or for good since my university won't be hiring contract therapists next year, and I HATE that this was just announced out of nowhere to you because I like to prepare for goodbyes. But the fact that I'm able to be really sad, yet still know that I'm able to stand on my own two feet without you is really comforting. You were a great therapist, and of all the work I've done, your consistency during it was one of the most healing parts.

And the hug at the end of our session was special, and I'm glad you asked for one...In my two years of therapy, I've sometimes wondered what it would be like to hug you. I can count on one hand the number of times I've hugged my father, and none of them felt like this one. This one felt safe. Thank you for making me feel safe.

That reminds me of one of the bestest things my t ever said to me - after I was being particularly trying one day - she said "You can be an argumentative pain in the ***." It was just the way she said "you CAN be", not that I AM one, made me really know that she sees more to me than that. That was HUGE for me. I grew up being told "You ARE lazy" as opposed to "You CAN be lazy" and "You ARE so immature" instead of "You are ACTING immature." Big difference when you're a kid and t somehow knew exactly how to phrase it when she said the pain in the *** comment. It was a turning point in my therapy for sure. I may not even be explaining it right. But thanks for reminding me of that moment.

thanks for sharing that moment with your T!!

This isn't all my fault.

That trust that took over 5 years to build is completely gone. You aren't safe. I'm beginnibg to think thisxwas more about you than me.

But I still love you.

I don't just feel hurt, I feel mind****ed. And you don't have to own your part at all.

Hi T,
I'm so frelling tired. And afraid . I sent you that email after I had x-rays done and you didn't reply. You've been doing that alot lately. Now, one side of my face is swollen from an abscessed tooth, despite the fact that last week two doctors told me that there wasn't anything there. I don't have the money to pay a dentist and the "free" dental clinic made it pretty clear that they don't want to see me again. I'm so frelling overwhelmed. I don't know that I'll have enough money for my share of the taxes and insurance. It feels like I'm spinning out of control. Or that I have no control. IDK. I'm so tired and feeling very alone. When I see you in your office, things seem to be getting back to what they were before all the bad happened, which is a good thing. But your silence between appointments is sending a totally different message. Is something going on in your life that is taking your attention? I know that you have a real life and that things happen IRL. I hope everything is OK with you and yours. If everything is ok in your private life, does your silence mean that you are tired of dealing with me? Or is this your way of telling me that I'm too dependent on you? Or am I right that nothing is real, especially me? I guess that the only thing that I know for sure is that I'm in so much pain, mentally and physically and i feel like I have no support. And I worry that I broke you.

I'm on my way to you. I feel anxious. I don't want to talk. I don't want to do EMDR. I'm not going to do exams this year. I'm afraid how you'll react to that.
I just want to step out of this train and take the train home. Maybe I will. I know not showing up to out appointment will be really rude of me, especially since you have two hours planned for me so we would have enough time. But I don't want to go. I'm so scared. I want to go back home. I don't want to do this anymore.

I didn't step into my next train. I'm now sitting at the train station. I'm trying to keep if together. I'm trying to not start crying in front of all these strangers. I don't know what to do. I feel so anxious. I'm too afraid to see you. But I don't have anyone else.
In 10 minutes you will expect to see me. I haven't missed an appointment in so long. I missed only like 2 in the very beginning. Normally I'm always on time.
You will hate me so much. You will not want to see me anymore. You will see what I have known all along; that I'm a wast if your time. I'm worthless.

I will send you an email. So you will know I'm not coming. Sorry. I really sorry.

I send you an email. It's very short. I'm scared to write more. To write what I write on here.
You will hate me when you read the email. I'm so sorry for wasting your time.
I'm such a mess. I'm in the train back home. I'm trying not to cry. I'm such a mess. I don't know what to do anymore. I know not showing up to therapy isn't a good move. But I'm so anxious. I let my anxiety lead. I have felt this anxiety for weeks. Maybe months. I should have talken to you about it. Instead I kept it for myself and let it grow. Until I gave in.
I shouldn't be alive. I make the same mistakes every time. I never learn. I'm worthless.
And now I run away from the only person who might be able to help me: you.

I'm so sorry.

You are NOT worthless!!! Can you maybe call your t, have a phone session? I do phone sessions with my t since she moved a couple years ago. Sometimes it is easier on the phone Cuz she can't see me. I wish you healing.

I get by, but today I really really really miss you. In my head I drove to your office to be with you and hug you. I really wish I could hug you one more time. I felt so safe when we hugged. It was like everything was alright and the world stood still.

It's not over. It will never be over for me. As long as you keep hiding and refuse to own up to your responsibilities, I will fight you. As soon as I feel better, I will continue the fight. You will be held accountable or, at the very least......almost finished that sentence but then I'd be giving you a heads up and we don't want that after what you did to me. You are the lowest form of human being.

dear T

omgggggggggggggg the people upstairs.

me

If I were a man you never would have tried to pull that charade with me. You never would have exploited me.

You thought I was a weak woman who would allow you to take advantage and curl up in a ball of embarrassment and disappear. Think again. You are lucky I'm not a man.

I'm afraid to call you. I know I need to do it. But I'm scared. Please don't be mad with me. Even though I totale deserve it.

Thanks. I have called her. I have to call back later, when she has an hour free to talk. I'm nervous. I'm afraid the will want to terminate therapy.

Please Dear T, don't terminate me.

I am at a complete loss as to what I have done. We did some good work, then when it came to ending some abandonment issues came up that we needed to deal with. It wasn't even that dramatic, I freaked a little. Hardly surprising given my history.

Nothing deserves abrupt termination by email, certainly not just a little attachment - and that wasn't news to you. And no response to a request for a closure session. No one I have spoken to...like my GP, new therapist, friends (and I have been totally honest) understands why you would act in such a cruel way. GP doesn't think you know what you are doing. Only your supervisor agrees it would seem...I would sure like to give her the other side of the story.

It's pretty standard stuff. If you can't handle sensitivity to rejection and abandonment without getting so angry, I wonder what an earth you think you are doing being a therapist??

Dear MC,
I've had a rough week (well, you know that, since I told you about it in probably more detail than necessary). Just seeing you and talking to you--even though this wasn't a particularly intense session and we spent lots of time just joking around--made me feel so much better.

Also, I'm glad you shake my hand at the end of each session (and the beginning sometimes, like this time). People talk a lot about touch in therapy on here, and shaking hands seems so incredibly minor compared to some of what's discussed. But it's still nice to have the physical contact, however brief, to go with the emotional part. (Though sometimes I wish it could be a hug, but I'm pretty sure that's one of your boundaries that you wouldn't cross.)

I like shaking hands too. My T and I always did that at the beginning and the end of each session. I think it's good for connection.

Dear T,

I lied to you. My whole happy and smiling façade was pretty good, wasn't it? I needed to lie, or else you would get too serious. I need to get through next week and then I'll take this depression and SUI thoughts seriously. I want to tell you next week. I want to say "hey, remember last week? I wasn't at a 6.5, I was at a 9 on the SUI scale. See, you will never know that I am in a crisis until it is over"

Honestly, don't expect that you can help me. I've only opened up to one person, and that was my old T. It took 4 years before I did too, so good luck.

The "doing just fine" galaxy...

I miss you so much 😔