Rejected again

My T told me to reach out to the DBT facilitator for a little extra support this week. I just talked to her, and she stated that the boundaries are the 30min office hours for questions about group and the hour for group... That's it.

So Pdoc's gone, I'm too much for T, too much for DBT facilitator...

I also contacted my primary this week, and she doesn't have time to treat me for a physical issue and wants me to go to the urgent clinic instead (which is right where my Pdoc's office is...)

I'm tired of people. I'm told to reach out, and then they reject me. Why? What is so wrong with me? Why am I too much for even professionals? It's better to just shut up at this point. That way I don't come off as too needy or dependent and don't get pushed away.

Sounds like your T. didn't know your DBT's boundaries. I am not supposed to text my T. unless it's for appointments and she doesn't email or call. So, if I need extra support I am to ask for another session.

You are not too much for DBT fascilitator - they just have different boundaries than your T. And, your primary sounds busy but did try to offer an alternative solution.

They aren't rejecting you and it's not personal. You've had really relaxed boundaries with your T. and not everyone will have those same relaxed boundaries. Just like I would have different boundaries than you would when interacting with other people.

I'm sorry things are so hard

Hang in there SP!

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I'm sorry that everyone seems so unavailable to you right now.

I don't think you're too much at all! With the DBT T - it sounds like her boundary is consistent for everyone in the group. You could be the best, least needy, most absolutely loveable and wonderful and fantastic person in the world - and the boundary would still be there. It's not about you, it's about her...

I know, I know... logical stuff is all well and good, but doesn't make the emotional stuff any easier. And, I don't know a good way to make the emotional stuff easier, other than to accept that these people aren't currently available, and then try to see what you DO have access to.

You have us, here, for support. Can you boyfriend offer any support? Have you thought about any other live-chat type sites (or the chat functionality here, I haven't used it, but maybe it would help)? Like 7cupsoftea?

Do any of those sound helpful, or just worse (I get that trying to chat with strangers may feel more scary than supportive, since they don't know your full story).

Hang in there... you've been doing so much lately, you really do deserve some peaceful, restful, relaxing downtime.

I really am angry for you. If you had a physical ailment no one would turn you away. Urgent care, your Dr's etc--all would get back to you.

I hope the day comes soon for true mental health parity.

A lot of it is the system, as growlycat points out, and some of it is just rotten timing. Even if it's not outright rejection, I get how it can feel that way. It's hard to move past the sense of utter defeat.

I understand the fatigue and frustration. What I have to do when all the doors are shut is just step back from it all, stop trying for a while (could be a few days, weeks, or longer) and then when I'm ready, try again.

When you say that you need more "support ", what exactly, specifically, do you want/need?

Can you define what this support would look like? You have a lot of insight into mental illness intellectually. In your fantasy, how would these people support you?

This might get confusing, so M=original facilitator and K=new facilitator.

When I went for my assessment, K was the therapist. I asked her (my T advised me to) if she would be a point of contact at county so I would have more support. She agreed to. She even said she would often stop by to check in on me. Well, M quit. On the 4th week, K took over the group. I think this is why my T thought K would provide me with a little bit of additional support. But I guess the boundaries changed when K took over the group? K told me that if I even have problems with the boundaries with her, I need to process that with my T, not her.

She said that the only way the county can provide me with more support is if I want to join more groups...

I also asked K if she would coordinate material in the actual DBT workbook with group since I'm not learning anything from this overly modified material. She said that I'm smart enough to follow the workbook on my own. She thinks that I just want someone to direct me and that's an issue of mine that I need to deal with with my T.

So now, the only benefit of this group is getting me out of the house and challenging me to talk to people. But there is no real socialization to promote relating to others because the material they do use is so condensed.

I don't know. I just HATE county now. Well, I already did, but I tried to give them a second chance. I was actually considering staying with county a little longer if they would help with additional guidance/material for DBT, but now I can't wait to leave this hell hole.

Maybe, logically, this isn't about me. But it does affect me greatly. I gave up a lot to be a part of their program. I have struggled, telling nyself this was for the greater good and would help me achieve my goals. But this program is a pathetic excuse to make the county look like they offer current mental health treatments.

Oh! And K was asking what adequate support would look like for me and I included things like college, professors, acquaintances, and friends. She response "Good! Your goal should be to not depend on the mental health world" [paraphrased]. Duh! But my T wants me to have specific mental health support since I do suffer from mental illness.

I feel like a rag doll being tossed around. It just empathizes that I don't belong anywhere in this world. I'm not even that severe of a case, and yet somehow I'm too much. How is that even possible?

I just am really really hurting right now. I so want to "throw in the towel". I want to scream at people so then maybe they will hear me. Maybe it's not literally rejection or abandonment, but it feels that way. That is my main trigger, my main issue, and it keeps getting hit. Yet I'm supposed to be able to survive this all w/o any relapses/hiccups? Why? Just because I'm smart? Doesn't matter a person's level of intelligence, mental illness can affect anyone. And many peolle who aren't trained or experienced in the mental health field can't provide the level of support needed during difficult times. So because I'm struggling, I needed a "higher level of care" just for support? Really? I need to go to the hospital or crisis house to get a little more support? It's bs. This is all bs. If I'm considered on some level high functioning, how the hell do the lower functioning get the support they need?

Well, I didn't get my T's permission to skip out on group, so now I must go drag myself to be somewhere I have no desire being and seeing someone I have no desire to see...and keep my mouth shut because no one has time or energy for me. I hate my life...

I'm very sorry. I don't think they're rejecting you though. I think your T suggested the DBT T as a resource because sometimes they are available on call. GPs are always busy so your doctor was texting to help you. I know it feels this way to you, but there was nothing personal here. They were trying to offer viable solutions, that's all.

Again, what support do you want? I want to understand!

I think that's an excellent question. What kind of support are you seeking?

I had to go to group. I didn't have the time to respond to your question, but I'm not ignoring it.

I'm not exactly sure what type of support. The facilitator asked me that too. I was asking for support because my T told me to ask.

I don't know if it would meet my T's definition of support, but all wanted was just a few minutes...maybe like 10 mins? to just be able to talk to a live person in front of me. To just say how my week has been, and to know that that person cares. I wasn't hoping for solutions or processing or even touch. Just someone I have a connection with physically being there with me. I don't know if that makes sense.

But sometimes when someone does talk to you and and shows care, you don't believe it.

I am sorry, this sounds like a hard place to be in I am wondering if you could wrote down in an email to your t what you need and don't send it.
It seems like all of these people have different boundaries and rules but it doesn't appear to be rejecting, somewhere along the way your brain confused that with rejecting. Probably because you had some experience with being rejected and told you are too much. How were your parents when you looked for support and nurturing as a child. I am betting they didn't give you any(I hope I am wrong)
Can we support you in anyway?
I know we are not there in front of you but we are real and we care.

So I don't deserve support?

I don't know what you mean by support!!! What IS support for you?

Hugs, listening, face-to-face, hand holding? Reassuring you that you are valuable, lovable, sweet, smart, deserving?

Define support.

You most definitely deserve it, whatever it is!!!!

- (wish i had better words to go here!)

I already answered you above

Ok, I guess you would say more. Sorry you aren't getting the support you need and deserve.

Yep. You're correct. My parents were very neglectful and didn't give me much support or nurturing The most love I got from my mom was getting to choose a stuffed animal of hers to sleep with every night. The most from my dad was that I got to play and take my naps under his desk when he worked. One memory I have from childhood: I was upset so I went to cuddle next to my mom on the couch. She told me to leave her alone and pushed me off the couch. I wound up just crying myself to sleep on the floor next to her feet.

I have been literally rejected and abandoned throughout my life. 31 people have abandoned me (not just my perception). I have lost many other people in my life for different reasons too (death-8, family moved, they moved, etc). Most of my rejection I have experienced has been due to my mental health. An example: my best friend in HS didn't want to take me to the prom because he said my depression would have ruined the night. I have been picked on or made fun of a lot, but not to the extent of bullying except one time.

If I don't include my emotions, the facilitator, my Pdoc, and my primary haven't rejected or abandoned me. The facilitator (now that she is) is too busy to make time for me? My Pdoc is on maternity leave, so that has nothing to do with me. And my primary is only working one day a week because she has to also work as a Pdoc to cover my Pdoc's clients.

But I am so sensitive to even the percieved notion of rejection and abandonment. It is my core issue, the one symptom of BPD I have never really made progress on. The feelings hit me so hard and fast. I instantly start crying, and soon after, usually wind up in a complete breakdown. Happened twice today

I do feel a lot of support from many of you I can't express how much I appreciate it. I don't usually need solutions. I find that life usually works itself out. From here, I feel a lot of support when people respond with their experiences, logic (least if it applies to me), and all the virtual hugs. Just knowing I'm not alone, someone is listening/reading, and that even if I might be too deep into my emotions, being validated that it's okay. Just knowing I have some value and that someone cares. Those things mean the most to me

I just don't know how to define what will exactly help. There aren't any magic words. All I know is that I'm hurting and I want some sort of comfort, some sort of reassurance, and validation. I don't expect x,y, and z from anyone. I don't even know whay x,y, or z be.. I just want to be seen as me and to know it's okay to be me. That I am accepted. That people are there.

I'm sorry if that's vague. That's the best I got.

Sounds reasonable to me. I want that too. It's not excessive, not needy or too dependent.

Normal human desire, yes, I get that.

I wish you could feel that you are getting that from more people than you do. It sucks when you don't feel seen and heard. Almost as if you don't exist.

I feel that quite frequently. I hear you. Your pain is palpable, raw.

I'm really sorry you're struggling. When you post in distress, it always makes think of the inability to self-soothe. I've seen other posts where you were in distress for hours, maybe days, then just connecting with a therapist regulated your emotions and you got back to normal. (Not only that, it sounds so familiar because I have that problem, where it's difficult pinpoint what 'it' is that I need.)

I can't help but wonder if psychodynamic therapy would help you--have you thought of or tried that? I don't know your situation, but having a consistent, reliable attachment figure can often help with this type of emotional regulation issue. I still have issues, but my therapists solidness, strength, reliability, calmness, etc has helped me a lot.

Being rejected will certainly make it more difficult to get back to baseline, if not escalate the intensity of the emotions you're feeling. So sorry that therapist wouldn't help you.

Take care

Hi scarlet, I hope you are feeling better today? It's hard to let support in if you have never had any. I can imagine with bpd that the feelings of rejection are magnified and this must be very painful for you. There must be a process in all of it. Have you ever tried to track your process and identify the triggers?
When you say you cried and had a breakdown, I am hearing self regulation is very hard for you and of course it would be if you have had no support and had to deal with these feelings alone. You maybe try to suppress them but the are so strong and powerful and just need someone to sit down and acknowledge them with you
I used to struggle with overwhelming feelings too, hard feelings I had never shared with anyone until my current t and even just saying them out loud. Like, "my parents never loved me" or "I am completely alone". They stopped screaming inside because they had been heard and acknowledged. I invite you to acknowledge your feelings that were crying for attention Scarlet. Really listen to what they need, or what you need and deserve.