Rejected again

My fiance always notices this happens with my T. He can spend hours trying to help me and nothing works. I talk to my T for 5 mins and I'm instantly better. Or I spend the week struggling, and after I see my T, 95% I keave in such a better staye. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. And it's always with women who have a temporary role in my life. Just having that connection with them makes me feel whole, alive, and a part of life. It's like their encouragement fuels my desire to fight and live. W/o it, I wither away.

I don't know how to achieve this within myself. I definitely don't know what "it" is that makes these women have such an impact on my life. And what's interesting, these types of women I get attached to are not rare. I have found a ton of them in my life w/o even seeking them out. I'm not even sure what trait(s) make them so emotionally attractive to me. They are all intelligent, strong, caring women, but they have so many differences. Different personalities, appearances, professions, ages etc. One suffered from depression and felt she failed at mothering. Two were very non-emotionally reactive (most people found them extremely intimidating). There are many many women out there who are intelligent, strong, and caring, but these women have something different. Whatever that difference is, the thing I'm emotionally attracted to, I need to find that within myself.

I don't think that psychodynamic would be helpful. To be honest, I'm still not quite sure what that is except it's based in Frued and the unconscious. For one, I'm not a big fan of Frued. Two, I don't think more emotional intimacy btwn me and a T will be helpful...though I would probably love it. I think if would only make my attachment worse. Sorry for the example (it's been told to me twice this week so it's on my mind): it would be like giving an alcoholic one sip, one more drink. My attachment would turn into transference. So while it would give me more emotional stability, ot would also make it harder for me to make improvement. Does that make sense?

I really believe that my T is as close to perfect as I T that I could have found. The level of intimacy, connection (even though I lose the sense of it), the stability, security, consistency, trust, challenge, etc. is exactly what I need.

Funny though, my fiance's T (who knows my T), thinks I need a T who doesn't bounce around "like a ping pong ball"...according to my fiance. I told my fiance that's not true. My T isn't the one bouncing around. She's being stable. I'm the one bouncing around. My T does adjust a little depending on my needs, but it would do any good if she tries to meet all my needs. My T is role modeling stability which is what I need. I want 100% comfort 100% of the time, but that would hurt me more than help.

Maybe I'm weird? But I do know that I enjoy my relationship with my T and do feel like she's helping. Past T's goals have been to get me into "normal" life: college, job, etc. They put me into those things asap. That is my T's goal for me too, but we're taking a different path. She's working with me on specific issues of mine instead of pushing me into my end goals. I hope this new path works. The only way I'll know is when I start termination with her. If I can stand on my own even just for a little while, then it worked.

Yes, I'm doing better today Exhausted, but not in a crisis.

The bolded part: YES!!! I think what it comes down to is not feeling alone. Because of all of the rejection and abandonment I've experienced, I desperately desire to feel a part of the world. Having someone there who cares, just actively listening is huge for me.

Same with the support I desire from PC: just someone who reads and trys to understand, not necessarily trying to solve anything. Advice is welcomed, the relating and connection is what I desire. I just don't want to be alone.

I actually don't have as many breakdowns as I used to, though I have become a cryer again since restarting therapy. I breakdown now due to trauma (i.e. fighting with my fiance), and any hint of abandonment and rejection. It is definitely an overreaction. It like a flight or fight response. It's intense and severe. The only way to reduce the intensity is to get the comfort and support from someone else or to "fight" (i.e. try to change the situation).

I actually did "fight" in terms of my primary doc. I wrote her 2 additional emails, and even called the main office to see if they could accommodate me. That failed. So I fought my fiance last night to take my to the ER (because I was knew there would only be male doctors and needed someone with me for that). We actually did get into a fight, but I won and got treated last night. Which btw, the ER doctor even confirmed I already waited too long and need to be seen asap if that ever happens again...made my fiance feel bad for fighting with me. I still am upset that I can't see my primary because I want her support right now, but that is a want not a need.

It's difficult to identify exactly what my thoughts/feelings/myself need. I am aware when there is a need going unmet though. I can easily identify feelings and the "roots" of the feelings and thoughts too. But how do you identify needs and how to meet those needs on your own?

Seriously, i think thats what the early childhood years are supposed to be about. You learn to discern your physical needs, first. Eating and pooping. Then playing. I havent gotten that far yet. Im pretty good at pooping, im getting better at eating and sleeping. Next - play by myself, then play dates! Anyway, somewhere along the line, you learn to discern when something isnt right, when something hurts. And to take action. These are all lessons we missed. Pretty basic. Easy to overlook.

Thanks for the smile hankster!

I think that guy should have put pooping on his needs triangle thingie

A-something's hierarchy of needs

Maslow. And he did. He said excretion instead of poop

I must have blocked it, because i was blocking it!

My favorite person to hang out with is myself. Even in the lowest depression and worst anxiety. I consider this to be one of my greatest strengths. Even if I am feeling sui, I always value my own company.

I relish being alone.

For you, not the same. I think why....fear of ???? Don't know. But I do think that part of your healing will be becoming more of a friend to yourself. You have to!

Who spends more time with Scarlet than Scarlet??

Feel free to totally blow this off. I've had a very busy day and am exhausted.

Best,

Yeah. I don't like spending time with Scarlet I often wish for a vacation away from myself. I have difficulty understanding why anyone else would also want to spend time with me. I have been alone most my life: physically, emotionally... Yes, I have low self-esteem and need to work on that somehow... I value myself based on the value others I care about see in me. It's like I'm blind so I need them to tell me the type of person I am. I'm not saying this is healthy. I do need to become my own friend. How to do that? Idk.

Is there anything you do enjoy or like about yourself? Even if it stems from the value of you that others tell you, that's a starting point - it sounds like perhaps nobody reinforced the lovely things about you when you were tiny, so (for now) you need others to show you that about yourself.

So as a first step, maybe you could think on a few of the positive things people tell you about why they love you? Writing them down, so you can see it in bold black and white, might help.

I'm just throwing this out there, but it's something my husband says often. He says it as a joke but there's a lot of truth in jest...
"You have no idea what it's like inside here (pointing to himself). You can walk away, I can't!"

I think a lot of us here feel like that at times and wish we could just walk away from ourselves. However, when I think about that, then I think I'm adding myself to the list of people who abandoned me.

My T has had me make lists before to try to help me remember positives. One list was all the ways I know my T cares about me because I constantly would doubt that she does. Another list was all the things I do give myself credit for because my T constantly was telling me I didn't give myself credit for the positive things I do.

Maybe this list might actually help too.

Is it weird that I can list my good qualities, but it's like they don't count? Example: I'm smart, but I can't seem to put it to use for myself or anyone else. I'm caring, but people still leave me. I'm a good listener, but people often take advantage of that and don't usually listen to me.

But when someone else tells me these things, it becomes fact. There is no flip side debating. I know though, while it feels good to hear such things from other people, I can only internalize it for a little while before I go back to trying to prove it wrong.

But I will try this new list out. The other lists did really help me. Maybe it's because, like you said, it's in black and white. It's not me trying to pull these things from my mind when I'm struggling which tends to taint all the good things with negativity.

Thank you

I am very impressed you knew about the poop. Even my t hasnt mentioned that. What other lights are you hiding under that bushel of yours?

I feel exactly the way you quoted your husband. But that's part of therapy, at least for me, learning to be able to live with myself since I can't escape. (We'll, I did in a sense for 6 years, but that only made things worse).

The bolded part: wow. That's deep. I kind of don't even know what to say in response. But it is so true. I'm definitely going to hang onto that idea. Anything that stops my thought process like this is a powerful tool. Thank you.

That reminds me of this:

A bunch of random information I have learned from books or people

Actually, I'm familiar with Maslow because when I was in college I was majoring in psychology. I knew about the poop/excretion because my T actually has been following Maslow's hierarchy of needs to try to track my progress/needs. So I recently was looking at Maslow's chart.

My T says that my physical needs are met, so now I need to work on the need of love.