[ThisWayOut]

My mom has a court date on Tuesday. I had told her previously I cannot come (causes WAY too much anxiety. the last time I went, I nearly threw up all over the place). She has had over a month to find someone else to go with her, but no one is available.
I deliberately made sure to have therapy scheduled for that day and time so I would have an excuse. Now she is asking me on short notice and I am getting a huge guilt trip. I tried to compromise with her about going to court and being supportive before the trial, but I need to leave when it starts. She got snippy and told me that was useless to her. She wants me to go and sit through it all.
I don't want to cancel my therapy appointment this week for a whole host of reasons, but the biggest one is that I really can't do the anxiety of being in court. I likely would not be able to reschedule T this week, so would have to go another week without an appointment, but there's a lot of anxiety around how I interpreted last appointment that I really want to get cleared away. I don't want to have to wait another week. It's also kinda ****** to cancel at this point since she won't be in again till Tuesday to get the message.
I'm assuming T would say to take care of myself and keep the appointment. But then how do I get around the guilt of not being supportive for my mom? (the subject of the trial is also a difficult one for me).
Even just thinking of going and my heart is racing. I feel bad that she will be going alone, but... ugh!
My whole life I always put others first because the guilt over not doing that is excruciating. So, therapeutically, it would be good for me to keep my appointment with T...
Last week I thought T hated me. The more distance I get from it though, the more I think I was just reading that into the situation. I really want to address it with her. I want to tell her that I think her assessment of me was not fair, and that I'm not as hopeless as she made me out to be... I don't want to lose my courage to be able to ask/say these things to her...
I dunno. I'm so conflicted. It's making my chest cramp up with anxiety. What's worse: T pissed at me, or mom pissed at me?

[Ambra]

I don't think your T will be pissed at you if this is the reason why you would postpone the appointment.
But this isn't the focus, right?

I'd say, keep your appointment, protect yourself. I understand that it's really hard, I always have a horrible time when I have to do this with my mother. But you always put others first, and it seems like the problem wouldn't only be to disappoint T. You need that session for your own well being plus you offered a compromise to your mom. It will be hard, but you are you and you can do what is better for yourself, whether others acknowledge it or not. You would have to do something that is incredibly hurtful to you but people won't be sorry if you miss your appointment. Only you can take care of yourself.. easier said than done, I know.
Thinking of you.

[guilloche]

Hi ThisWayOut...

I'm sorry you're mom is pressuring you. I absolutely think you should go ahead and keep your T appointment. I know, it's hard, but here's my take...

You asked how to do this and not feel guilty. The way that I'd stop the guilt is to recognize that your mom is an adult, and she needs to take responsibility for herself. Part of that is developing a support system that is more than one, single person. No one person, no matter how much they love us, can do everything we need. That's not reasonable at all! You can't always be there... not without sacrificing caring for yourself, and you NEED to care for yourself.

In this case, given the extreme anxiety going to court causes you AND the fact that you'd need to miss an important therapy session, which would likely mean that you'd have even more anxiety continuing for another week, I think it's reasonable to say what you already have, "sorry mom, I'd love to help out, but I can't. I can be with you beforehand if that helps, but I have an appointment that I can't miss, so I can't go to the courthouse with you."

I also think that your mom is being selfish in a way. If she knows how much anxiety going to court causes you, and still insists you come, that's selfish - she's putting her needs in front of YOURS. We can all be selfish from time to time, and in general, it's a very human thing - I'm not blaming her or judging her here. BUT recognizing maybe helps alleviate the guilt, and gives YOU permission to be just as "selfish" (in terms of looking out for yourself, and putting your own health and needs before your moms).

Another way to look at it is... if you were in her situation, and you had a friend or relative that you really wanted to come with you, but they told you that it would cause them so much anxiety that they'd be physically ill, or that they'd need anti-anxiety medicine to do it, and on top of that they'd have to postpone an important therapy appointment, and they'd end up with more stress and suffering for the next week waiting for the appointment - how would you react? You might REALLY want them to come, but I'm guessing you'd show some compassion (I sure would try!) and understand why they couldn't come, and then go ask someone else or figure out how to deal with it on your own. You wouldn't likely say, "well too bad, I don't care how much of an inconvenience it is, or how stressed and sick it makes you! I don't care if you have a heart attack, because I really NEED you here!" That's the message I'm reading between the lines from what you're mom is doing

I kind of also think you're asking the wrong question (re: what's worse mom or T pissed at me?). I think you should ask:
- What do I *want* to do?
- What *can* I do?
- What will be the effects on me, my health, my sanity, of either decision?
- Do I have a responsibility either way here?

Stuff like that... what do YOU want and need to do?

It sure sounds like going with your mom is NOT want you want to do, and is NOT in your best interests. If it didn't cause you so much stress, and wasn't going to cause you to miss therapy, basically if it was something that you could do without causing *harm* to yourself - then sure, I'd say why not suck it up and help your mom out if you can. Lots of people do that, and it's certainly a nice thing to do.

But that's not what I'm hearing. It sounds like it is causing you *harm* both in terms of the extra stress and in terms of missing a T-appointment (and I'm saying this, remembering that not too long ago I think you posted about having flashbacks and having trouble getting up to speed with the new T enough to get help with them? You *really* don't need to add more stress to yourself at this point!)

I guess I'd also say - you're not in T because it's fun. It's not like you're skipping out on mom because you want to go party, or catch up on your favorite soap opera. It's *therapy*. It's essentially (in my mind) like getting medical treatment.

Anyway, sorry for the long long post... I'm having a crappy unstructured depressed miserable weekend with more "I can't cope so I'll just eat ice cream" than I expected, and am a bit down.

The short version is: I absolutely think you should NOT go with your mom to court, and SHOULD keep your therapy appointment. I think you might talk to your T if you still feel guilty about this, but at the end of the day, your mom is an adult, she needs to have more of a support system than just you - and that's HER responsibility, not YOURS. If she can't cope, she needs to get therapy and learn to deal with it - just like you're trying to do. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for here, at all... seriously. You can, if you want to, but really there's no reason. Putting yourself first in your own life is NOT a bad thing, it's normal and healthy and sane.

*hugs*

[nervous puppy]

Guilloche just said everything I was thinking in a much more articulate manner than I could have done. So ditto that!
My T's are constantly harping at me. About "self care". You have to take care of you. That's not being selfish, no matter how your mom wants to twist it. I have an overbearing, demanding, and controlling mother. It took hard work (therapy) but I managed to tell her "no" once ( shaking and nervous as h***). It's been much easier since!
You have the strength and you have us.

Guilloche, sorry you're having a rough weekend. Hope the ice cream is helping.

[Arha]

and ditto again.
I really agree with was has been said already, and hope you can do what has been suggested. Do what is best for you.

[Bill3]

I agree with guilloche as well!

This is a great opportunity to practice putting yourself first. I agree with the sentiments others have expressed. Your mother is an adult and you are not responsible for her. I know how difficult this is; my mother had a knack for making me feel guilty. I hope all these posts help you to realise you don't need to feel guilty

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks all.
and thanks for those questions guilloche. It helped me clarify for myself a bit: I do want to be there for my mom and be generally supportive of her, but I just can't do it for this. It just sucks because I empathize a lot. This is not something she wants to have to do, let alone by herself. And the reason her ex is not here to support her is because I don't allow him in the house. BUT I can't do this for her. I know she won't hear what I have to say, but I will tell her that I do very much care for her and support her, but I can't go to court with her... I know it sucks to hear, because I would want support during a really stressful time. I just can't do this. I'm already stressing about so much else in my life, I can't add this to it also. And I know if I don't end up in t Tuesday, I will find a way to talk myself into t hating me and me being a horrid person that everyone runs from. I'll do my best to talk myself out of that mindset, but it will be eating at me all week...
I think I quadruple any guilt my mom may place on me. It's a bad habit...
thanks again. I just have to remember that is ok to be self-full at times.

[ThisWayOut]

So, I'm going to keep my T appointment. I'm not sure what's causing me more anxiety at this moment though: having to face T and possibly find out she thinks I'm hopeless and worthless, or facing mom tomorrow morning when I stand by my decision to go to T instead of court. We have not discussed it since yesterday, but I'm wondering if she thinks I will change my mind last minute to go with her... I just can't.
Of course, now I don't remember what it was that I had wanted to tell T after last week. My mind and body are totally consimed with anxiety over all of this (plus some other things).