[Lovable Nut]

I'm having a very difficult time right now wondering if I am too close to my therapist. He wanted to know what "too close" meant to me. That is where I'm stuck and cannot find words. I tell him it feels dangerous and I can't seem to define that. I feel so strongly connected to him right now and that scares the wits out of me. I don't know what "safe" is and he feels very safe right now and I just don't know what to make of it. He is very professional but has stretched many boundaries and we have constant professional contact. I know he cares tremendously for me; that took years to allow myself to actually feel and I think he may feel love for me too; on a very human level. There is some serious paternal transference taking place that we do talk about. I brought up my loving feelings for him.....sweating every second, then, BAM...the defenses go up. He is so accepting an open; not rattled at all. I just need to get over this confusing hurdle. I know he feels frustration when I close down and he tries every which way to get through. Any thoughts on how to relax the defense? How does one stop thinking too much and just start feeling and let it flow??

[stopdog]

I would not add to the situation by concerning myself about whether a therapist is frustrated or not. If they are, I believe it good for them to experience from time to time.

I believe in keeping them back so most closeness is too close for me.

[Soccer mom]

I have been and am where you are. I told my T. for months that I didn't want her to matter, I didn't want to care, didn't want to be close, etc. I figured out that when I would let my defenses down with my mom and "be close", I would get hurt. So, I kept waiting for my T. to hurt me, judge me, abandon me, etc. But, it took a long time to recognize that was the issue.

I have told my T. a lot more but 10 months later she's still reminding me that she's not my mom, won't judge me, abandon me, etc. I find that I just keep giving her little pieces to see how she'll react. When her reaction is "normal" then I feel comfortable giving her more.

My T. has also said that her side of the wall looks just like mine. About 6 weeks ago I told her that I loved her and it was painful. I don't even tell my friends this. Now, I'm back to my defenses thinking "why did I tell her that".

I guess you need to see what in your past keeps you from accepting the closeness. Could you not express your feelings to your father? The T and client relationship can be intimate depending on what issues you're discussing. I used to just problem solve and didn't feel one thing for her. Now that we're dealing with the death of my emotionally distant mother, all sorts of feelings have emerged. I definitely think too much and don't let my emotions go. My T. asked me to stop reading and start feeling. I'm still working on it.

[AlilBirdie]

I had a psychiatrist I feel in love with. But then I realized, through his patience and appropriate care, that I loved him for caring about me. I didn't have my Dad growing up and it was like he was my father. But I came to realize he was better than that because he didn't judge me, he was safe and he was helping me put myself together----just good therapeutically. He even told me he loved me too, as a person. When he left I hugged him for being patient and understanding. And he told me that I had taught him so much--- not only as a psychiatrist but as a person ...with tears in his eyes... and he thanked me!

I think a good therapist knows how to address your transference and a bad one will take advantage for their own means....Mine ignored me when I would flirt/come on and tell me that in time I would see that it was best for him to do that. He was right. I'm not sure how this will work out for you, but I hope he approaches it with the same care. As far as shutting down...here is a thought I have only since I've been where you are: is it possible that you're using your love attachment as a way to shut down so you won't be vulnerable and have to face your issues head on(and be "judged" by someone you're in love with). Ever see "Antwone Fisher"? In it, the psychiatrist Antwone sees starts to realize that even though he tried to resist the feelings he had for Antwone, it was only when he acknowledged that he really cared for Antwone instead of fighting it, that he could really help him. A caring therapist isn't a bad thing.

[Restin]

LN, I think you defined the relationship by using the term "paternal transference". Read up on that and you will most probably answer your questions. I do hope he is one who has the latest training on attachment and transference issues, as treatment is much more humane and gradual than decades ago.

[Lovable Nut]

Thank you so much for your replies. I could tell they came straight from your hearts and that means so much to me.

Stopdog- You make me smile. Thanks for your thoughts.

Soccer Mom - You've done some really great work and should be proud of yourself. I am very aware of where this stems from and that's were the terror lays. I will keep pushing through the defenses because I really want to feel free.

Ali - You have a great doctor and sound like you've done some wonderful work. I love hearing about great progress. I will look at Antwone Fisher. It is the caring that is foreign and scary to me but I am starting to allow it bit by bit.

Restin - I will read up on paternal transference. My T is rock solid and a master at his profession. He's make mistakes but we always work through them and agree that that is where much growth has taken place. He actually says he learns from me frequently.....wow!

[AlilBirdie]

Originally Posted by Lovable Nut

Ali - You have a great doctor and sound like you've done some wonderful work. I love hearing about great progress. I will look at Antwone Fisher. It is the caring that is foreign and scary to me but I am starting to allow it bit by bit.

Yes he was great. Yours sound pretty good too. That movie is damn good but it's also helpful. The relationship Antwone has with his psychiatrist is a good example for both of us I think... I know what you mean - having someone care for you- no strings attached, no conditions, no catch... that is freaky!! I guess in the beg. part of me thought that I had to give my former psychiatrist something in exchange for his love, but he helped me realize unlike my abuser there are people out there who will give and not take.

Originally Posted by Lovable Nut

Restin - I will read up on paternal transference. My T is rock solid and a master at his profession. He's make mistakes but we always work through them and agree that that is where much growth has taken place. He actually says he learns from me frequently.....wow!

That is the best! When you have a T who acknowledges you've taught them as well! It is an amazing feeling that you can touch someone in their profession...make a difference! I would never let them go