Afraid of therapy

Hello, I'm new here, so I don't know how this works exactly. I have sifted through some of the posts and am feeling better that I have found people who feel like me. I have a session with my therapist tomorrow and I have been going for about a month. I am absolutely terrified. My therapist is great and I know I shouldn't be scared, but it is a feeling I cannot overcome. Last week, she told me she thinks I am hiding something (which is true) and that she feels like I hold back (which is also true). I can't seem to tell her what is really going on, because I haven't told anyone and I am so ashamed. I don't know if I can go into details, but if anyone cares to help, I'd be more than happy to.

((((((((((((coco34)))))))))))))))

Welcome to PC.

Sounds exactly what's happened with me in the past! It's scary to trust another person with our secrets and pain because we rarely come acrosss someone who will help without judging us.

Have you thought about writing her a note stating briefly what you're holding back and not telling her? It's sometimes a lot easier than actually speaking it. I know I've told my therapists different stuff that I've never told anyone, and it's the most nervewracking thing ever but once I did I felt so much better for it. Just a bit of weight lifted off your shoulders. (A burden shared is a burden lessened, or something like that)

So you've been seeing her for a month, sometimes it takes a LONG time to trust our therapists, it really does.

Have you talked to her about any of your fears or feelings around telling her about your secret, or why you're 'holding back'?

You can go into as much detail as you want here I think, we're more than willing to listen (as long as it's in a good forum/section for the most support).

Please take your time in therapy, it's a long and hard process at time. You'll get there.

Ask for help, I'm sure your therapist will be willing to help.

coco, welcome to the Psychotherapy forum at PsychCentral!

If you've been going to therapy for a month, that is only about 4 sessions if you're going weekly. That is not long at all. It takes time to build trust with your therapist and create a strong working alliance between you, one that can bear what you have to share. Your therapist may be ready to hear what you have to say, but you don't sound like you are ready to share the big thing you are "hiding." It's OK. That is normal. What you can do is start small, and share a little bit of something here and a little bit of something there. And you can see how your T reacts and whether she proves to be trustworthy. If she can handle these small things and react favorably, then you will come to trust her and eventually be willing to share the big thing.

In my third session with my therapist, I so wanted to share this big thing with him, a big shameful thing from my childhood, a whole slew of forgotten memories that I had remembered just the week before out of nowhere. We spent the entire session just sitting there with me unable to tell him, even though I wanted to so badly. We just didn't have the trust or relationship for that yet. He understood this, but I did not. I remember at the end of the session, he said to me, "I want you to know I respect your ambivalence about telling me. It's early yet. You don't have to perform when you come here." Those have been strong words for me, that he respected my ambivalence, and would be patient. We spent the next few sessions talking about this and that, building trust, learning about each other. Then when I was ready to tell, I did.

Wait for when you are ready. If T is pressuring you, ask her to give you some space. And tell her you are terrified.

Thanks for the welcome!

For some reason I have a hard time talking, not only to her, but to anyone. We've talked about this, and other things that have been helpful, but I feel like I am stuck.
What I really 'want' to tell her, is the relationship I am having with my best friend (a female) that has grown into something more. It is hard to explain. My mom has confronted me angrily about it and I am very confused and sometimes ashamed. It is a horrible feeling pretending I don't something that I actually do. (I hope this makes sense). I feel like I will never be able to tell her, or anyone because I am so scared of being judged. Week after week, I think I am ready, but I keep putting it off, making it harder to talk about other things during the session.
I always tell my therapist that I am terrified before each session and she asks me 'what are you scared of', but I always have a hard time answering this question.

hey. i wonder if it would help to talk about it more abstractly... then you could gage her response and assess whether it would be safe for you to tell her more.

have you seen a movie where something similar has happened? could you talk to her about that?

could you perhaps introduce the issue in the sense of 'you have a friend who has a friend and they have become a little more than friendly and one of their mothers found out and gave your friend a bit of a hard time...' and then see how she responds to that... and if she responds well then it might be easier for you to tell her that you are your friend?

That's a good idea, thanks.

That might help me, as long as I don't say it is me. I just have so much anxiety I don't know what to do with it. I even had a hard time writing it here, and there is much more to the story.

ok. just wanted to let you know that i'm not freaked thus far. i'm not sure about church councellors (really i'm not) but i really would imagine that the majority of therapists / councellors are used to dealing with issues around sexual preference (which doesn't have to be a strictly one way or the other way kind of thing).

if it helps you feel any better at all... i have had a couple relationships with girls even though i don't consider myself gay or even bisexual. took a while for me to figure things out and there have been surveys which show that rates of sexual play with members of the same sex are surprisingly high ESPECIALLY for females (though also surprisingly high for males). though... i can't remember the rates. sorry.

are you completely anonymous on this board? what i mean by this is:

- does anybody in real life know your posting name here?

if not then...

- is there any way anybody in real life could find out you post on this board?

if not then things you can do to reduce that (if you use a shared computer) include clearing your history and deleting your cookies (though i'm not sure this site leaves cookies)

even if someone found that you had visited this site they wouldn't know you posted here unless they read one hell of a lot of posts (how many posts are posted here in one day do you think?) AND managed to figure things out on the basis of what you said. pretty darned unlikely...

so...

some people find that once they can be confident in their anonymity they find the confidence to say things on boards that they don't have the confidence to say in real life. sometimes people practice to see how people on boards respond and if people respond positively then they find the courage to say some of that stuff to people in real life. if you get sucky judgemental unhelpful responses on boards then yeah it can hurt that is true. but... you can write us off as a bunch of assholes and you most certainly haven't lost as much as you would have stood to loose in real life (you never have to interact with us again or even if you do you could deregister and sign on as a new user hence we wouldn't associate the two and if we saw you in real life we certainly wouldn't know you were coco34.

So...

Share if it helps. you might be surprised to find...

Others who have been through similar.

Welcome CoCo!

It took me a year to come clean about my sexually abusive boyfriend and my neighbor. I needed to trust him and that is how long it took me.

So, don't be worried. This is still a very new relationship for you and it has both challenges and success moments.

Heyyyy Coco. It's okay to be afraid. I've been with my T for almost 2 years, and I'm still afraid. You don't have to say everything at once. It will come once it's ready. Right now you are keeping yourself safe until you trust your therapist. Then you will feel safe again only this time you will be letting your therapist join you. Each week you will do a little more.

Thanks for all of your support. Therapy was pretty good today, even though I didn't tell her what I was "hiding". We went through some deep things and as the day keeps progressing, I feel better.