I don't think this particularly goes in the forum, but here is where I feel comfortable.

The thing is, at work I am now working with someone that makes me feel insecure. I've with time learnt to try and not take her ways personal. I don't know what transferrance is going on between her and I? Anyways this morning I told her I won't be at work this Sunday Morning as I am going out Saturday night. I said I'm pretty boring normally and never go out, but hubby's works friend has invited us out. I then said that I sooooo don't want to go.

This woman replied "You never know, you may just enjoy yourself" but it was said half in jest and half in,well I'm not sure. The searing pain of humilation that went through me was unbelievable.
I felt rage and anger at myself and at her for Exposing me, but exposing what? I replied to her that I hadn't even given the idea a thought that I may enjoy myself, I had automactically told myself I don't want to go, not my cup of tea. I felt shamed that she had pointed out this "error" to me. Felt like I am such a pathetic victim. Always thinking, I wont enjoy this, or this isn't for me or me me me me me. I guess partly its fear, I fear mixing with people so much that thinking I won't enjoy it, is a defense. But still the shame was hard!

I managed eventually to think of T and hear her voice saying "yes but maybe her life experiences are different to yours? She doesnt have to fear people?" that helped me calm down.

I guess I'm just looking for some insight into what was actually happening here?????????? any ideas?

[withit]

I hear you Mouse! Seems to me your workmate's comment was made innocently without any intention to humiliate or shame you. Good for you to have the insight about it being a transference issue...something to discuss with t obviously....That deep sense of shame, oh yeah, one of the core issues that wreak havoc in our relationships....we build defenses against the dreaded shame....but you're doing great at remaining present with the shame and working hard at untangling the knots...

[SecretGarden]

I suppose I just wanted to tell you that I understand.

Sometimes I tell myself that I need to get out.... for my own good. Often though I would just like to stay home comfy in front of the ole internet or eating or both or... oh I do not know.

I wonder ... this touched me. Some people are also uncomfortable staying home.. Like they do not wish to spend time with themselves. So there.

I think there are certain situations socially that I really despise... when I need to make small (BS) chatter with people I do not know or be there with superficial folk.

Perhaps she is being condemnatory...and that is her loss. If she is not sincere in her words to you or creating judgement it is like trying to be superior rather than trying to be empathetic and in your place emotionally. It shows a lack of friendliness... depending on how it is delivered I suppose ... and what you are asking about... what it touches inside you. Can you find what it touches?

[Lemon]

mouse - It is so hard to know what other people really mean. I have that problem too. Most likely it was just the first thing that came to her mind to say. She probably has experience having more fun than she expected sometime in her past. I usually find that I obsess about something someone says and when I eventually bring it up to them they barely even remember what I've been thinking so much about. I think this would be a great topic for you to discuss with your T.

by the way this is Marie31, you probably don't remember me I haven't posted that much, but I changed my username.

[withit]

good point, Lemon! I tend to do that too at times...obsessing and ruminating about something someone said and they don't even remember it five minutes later... here, part of it is the personal reaction it evoked in the listener, and she is interested in exploring that....the root of the transference in this particular interaction....i think....

Secret Garden, I think some of what you say was partly the problem.....she made no attempt to understand where I was coming from...and I ended up shaming myself for even thinking that I deserved to be understood....this does touch of deep feelings of being misunderstood...last night I managed to re feel the shame and rage I felt yesterday at work and put those feelings to another incident way back in my early life and it matched...I hope to create the feelings again in T on friday because I feel this is core issues stuff for me.....I never felt the rage and shame back then because aged 5 there was no where to go with it...

[withit]

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mouse_ said:
...and I ended up shaming myself for even thinking that I deserved to be understood....t

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Poweful insight, mouse!

mouse my take on her response is that she did hear your insecurities about going out and was attempting to be reassuring and lift you up by having you think of yourself being out and having a good time.

I don't think she understood the depth of your not wanting to go out. I don't think most people get that. They feel free to just go an do and they don't know how to think about it possibly being a struggle for someone to do those everyday things. It would never occur to them all the emotions around something so simple as going out so they don't/can't engage with us about it. They just don't know.

She didn't dismiss your feelings of not wanting to go out. She heard what you were saying and was able to quickly find something reassuring to say that wasn't judgemental, questioning you "WHY??? What's the big deal? Just go out!" or the like and was dismissing with a "So? Don't go then.".

I think it's great that you're going even though you feel like you'd rather not and I do hope you'll have a good time!

[Perna]

Mouse, I instantly thought of when your T goes away and you have trouble remembering her. If you "have a good time" while T is on vacation. . . (or when you're out "on vacation" from thinking about therapy and your difficulties).

I always had trouble with that; my T would ask me if I couldn't think of her having a good time being on vacation and relaxing/enjoying herself and that would make me feel worse because I didn't think of her at all.

There's an old, "sick" button/bumper sticker I like, "Don't tell me what kind of day to have!" (Have a nice day!) that reminds me of how much "effort" I put into being a certain way, no matter how I'm actually feeling. It is often so much easier to go with what is familiar to me (not having a good time at parties) than to look and see if there isn't some other way to experience them. When this is pointed out by others, "maybe you'll have a good time" that infuriates me because if it's true and I end up having a good time, that means someone else seems to know me better than I do myself and might be pulling my strings and it means I'm working too hard at not having a good time, not something I want to think/feel about myself?

Echoes, Yes I hear you. If she had said "why whats the big deal" it would have felt worse I guess. I hadn't thought of that. I think there's a whole lot going on between myself this woman...5yrs ago when I came out off treatment and had also just recovered from a *S attempt we got talking...she also has depression and was telling me how it was for her...you know I think inside I felt all my *S* and acting out were "games" attention seeking behaviour and I heard her story and just felt her reasons and depression were so much more deserving,..infact I felt/feel envy at her "real" condition and I feel I'm a fake..that If I allowed myself to be, I could be "fine"...

I saw her yesterday as a woman with issues also and her not making a drama out of them, but me?????? well hey oscar performance queen or what!!!...but I can't seem to grow up and deal with myself quitely...I've got to let the world know what a suffering martr I am...I hate it but I can't seem to stop it...

The childhood incident/s this reminded me of was my adoptive mother paying more attention to my adoptive brothers adoption sotry rather than mine..hearing her poor sympahpy over him and I felt so hurt and helpless that I wasn't getting noticed...so I create ways to get noticed..and now am not sure if I am "ill" or just "drama queen"...

DO I have any right to claim "pyschiactric illness"..I want a respectable one...you know one where its organic and not attention seeking created!! yes thats it!!

I am ashamed of what I am, what I do, how I think,

I know I'm in lonnnnnnnnng term therapy now, but I guess thats because I'm a baby, more than because theres anything really wrong with me..

I just re read my Avpd post I posted and remembered why going out saturday night is a big deal for me...I guess personality disorders aren't pretty??????