I told her...........

<font color="green">I was so proud of myself – I actually told my therapist I was afraid to get angry with her – just cannot do it. There are three people I can’t feel anger with/at – my therapist, my father and my mother. With my therapist and dad, it is more an issue of love and respect while with my mother I am just plain scared. I am afraid too that if I really get mad at my therapist I will lose her. I know better but…The fear is too strong.

Naturally that was a big part of what we worked on for the session. I went into a huge panic attack, she helped me get through it and I was ‘ok’ to leave. But I keep retriggering the panic, right now my chest is so tight it hurts. The more I try to avoid this, the worse it gets but focusing on it is not getting me anywhere good either.

I am not sure what I expect out of posting this. Maybe just the relief of having said it and having someone read it. I feel so awful; I want to cut, I feel like vomiting. I want do something, anything to distract myself but I know that those things do not help. The old coping skills just delay the work and make it harder. I suppose I will just take an ativan and go to bed. Maybe things will look [?feel?] better in the morning.
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Dalila, that was very brave that you spoke about something that is so intense. Just remember that though it feels awful right now, you will survive! well done!

haven't been able to read too much lately but did see the post on anger and wanted to respond. this is the best we can do. we're very proud of you for telling your therapist something that was so hard for you to tell.

you will find things different after this. huge barrier to cross and what a positive step for you dalila. tc and keep on with this amazing work. you're trailblazing for many here not yet ready to face anger work.

((dalila)) our fearless leader!!

I hope you are feeling better, and that you didn't take anything out on yourself. Isn't it odd how when we do something good for ourselves we feel like we need punishment??? Like...idk...we don't deserve to do good, or have good in our lives? (((hugs)))

Good for you Dalila. Good for you. Be kind to yourself.

(((dalila))), you did really great. Try to relax. You can talk more about the panic next time.

You did great!!!!! I hope you're feeling better today. Try to feel happy about how well you did!!!

Sidony

Dalila, I can totally relate to the self-hatred and subsequent desire to self-harm, etc. Clearly there is a huge amount of unresolved rage, rage that has been suppressed for a very long time....lots of self-hate, disgust, but most of all lots of rage that you don't know what do with it! And the accompanying anxiety is so understandable.
What did your t say/do or not say/do that made you angry, (but were too afraid to)?
As a kid, i was severely violated (my def. of phys. abuse) and I could do nothing to stop it. All I could do was suppress the rage. I, too, was afraid to get angry at t, I was scared she'd violate me too, or that she would not be able to tolerate my rage and would just not want to continue to see me.
Would it help it if your t reassured you that she can contain any amount of anger/rage that you express? I told my current t that I am scared she will drop me if I express all my rage and she said she can hold as much rage as I want to express. Kind of makes it safe to express it, doesn't it...
I'm so glad you posted, seeing others are struggling with the same makes us feel less alone....
Take gentle care,

((((((((((dalila)))))))))))))

that took a lot of courage.

<font color="green">Thank you mouse, -zh, -sky, secret garden, sidony and withit your encouragement means a lot to me. Sadly I am not worth it – since I have fought so hard to stop making myself bleed I found that little pinches on my arm work nearly as well for me. I just posted about that in the SI forum.

I, my therapist did not do anything nor did she say anything that made me angry. We had a disconnect during our session before last and she was defending my mother. I got frustrated but couldn’t express it cos I was so close to reaching that buried volcano of rage. Afterwards I went down the stairs yelling at her in my head – ‘stop defending her.’ I suppose that is anger but I couldn’t express it anywhere but inside my head.
I spent the next two weeks back in flashback land.

My therapist has told me several times that she can handle my anger – but I can’t. She has said that she is not going anywhere and will not abandon me. I am trying sooooo hard to believe in that. I can’t seem to escape the panics so it another ativan for me tonight.

Again thank y’all so much – your words do help. I am just so far down in this whirlpool and spinning so fast I don’t know how to stop.
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I spent 3-5 years (of 9 total) driving home explaining, arguing, yelling at my T in my head (1-1/2 hour drive) every therapy session. But it does get better and you'll find it gets quieter in your head (very odd feeling sometimes :-) It's nice to be able to have that "space" that's your own again without all that emotion crowded in there.