My T Left Me...Part 2

My back still hurts. Struggled with it all last night. I either pulled a muscle or it's stress. And then I was woken up by gardeners.

I appreciate honesty above all else. I would rather deal with the sting of truth then the betrayal of finding out a lie. But honesty really doesn't need to be mean.

I'm also a loner and very inward by nature. I was the child who hid behind their teacher's skirt. I would play on the playgrounds alone. I haven't really had that many friends. And I've had even fewer male friends. But "mother-figures", I've had an abundance of which I really believe is why I have so many conflicting traits (not saying that's a bad thing). But that's why I miss certain people. My family, eh. With them, they just need to choose to stay in or out of my life. There are only two friends from my past I really miss (and one is a guy!). But all the women I have looked up too...

Whether you have experienced what I'm experiencing or not, I want you to know that I really really appreciate your support. We don't have to be the same or even similar to benefit from one another. In fact, I find differences can often be just as important as similarities. And btw, I haven't found any of your replies "off the mark"

Chai! Or raspberry sounds good too. Or if you have blueberry

Agreed. And the damage almost makes you regress to worse than when you started. The relationship is so one-sided that we will always have more at risk, more ties to the relationship. Whereas they can walk away with little to no consequences. At least when a friendship ends, you both walk away with each other's secrets, but not in a therapeutic relationship.

So to be cute:
The ride will start at 4pm pacific time. It will be a 40min drive (w/o traffic). But there will be traffic, so 80mins? I'm a good driver, so you don't have to worry about that. My puppy will be there, so if you're allergic to dogs, take your allergy pills or wrap yourself in bubble wrap. If you don't like dogs, deal with it. My purse is actually a coach purse (appropriately named). There's plenty of room. Please don't leave crumbs. I have tissue if any of you cry. And no using my 4G on my phone when in session! Dinner will be at 6pm. The therapeutic show will be at 7:30pm. And a review of the show will be posted later tonight

love it! i'm in! and i'm a puppy lover.

I'm in, but I'll sneeze (allergies)

Lol. I got kleenex! And the puppy has a car seat, so she won't be climbing all over the place.

My day is starting...Pdoc in a few mins.

Pdoc was really nice to me. This was only my 3rd time seeing her, but she said she already sees an improvement in me since my T left. She also told me that I definitely have BPD, but I am nothing like her other clients with it. She complimented me on how well I'm coping, how good I am at boundaries, and how smart and aware I am. If felt good to be recognized for my positives.

I'm really excited about Latuda. She increased the dosage. She said it should eliminate my SI urges and SUI ideation. That would be awesome! Almost 20 years suffering from it daily and it could be gone! I almost wouldn't need therapy...almost

Now I'm just waiting for therapy appt. Super nervous. I got here too early. But better early than late. I try to make the best first impression possible. Then again, I'm always early to appts.

My fiance is pacing around outside talking to coworkers...lol. He can't sit still when on the phone.

It's really nice here. It's up on a hill and you get a cool ocean breeze. There's a ton of eucalyptus trees, so the air smells of them. And there's a wall so you won't accidentally drive off the cliff! (My T's building only had a small wood post type fence...I actually saw someone once hanging off the edge.)

My poor puppy is antsy. She wants to play

25mins till I go up...

Hiya Scarlett...

Really rough day here. Lots of stress, especially around work stuff, that's making me feel more out of control. Not good...

So, I'm going to burrow down into your pocket and just hide out here for a bit. Actually, I want to stick my nose out a little bit to peek for the puppy! Puppies make *everything* better! Except, I better be careful... since I am now pocket-sized, I might look like a tempting snack to the adorable furry one. Oof.

*In stealth pocket mode!*

&& I really hope the DBT-T gives seems to be a decent human from the get-go!

(Hmmm nobody else seems to be adopting my "&&" sign of crossed fingers! I was really hoping for once in my life to be elevated to the status of super-cool-trend-setter. Rats!)

Lots of luck!!!

In Germany we don't "cross fingers" but "press thumbs" I wonder if there's a symbol for that?

Well, I survived. And I think I like her. She told me a lot about herself. I know more about her than I did my ex-T. Sad. She addressed all my concerns. She was punctual. She gives hugs! She told me if I want a picture of her, steal it off the internet She liked my puppy. Actually, everyone did. And I can bring my puppy back.

She has a sense of humor:
*I made a comment about how my fiance is there for me at night. She asked where else would he be. We told her that he sleeps on the couch (and explained why). She asked: "Do you two ever have sex?" Lol. We both replied yes. She said "Good." But we also told her no sex therapy
* She said that not being able to have another puppy is not an emergency call One of her child clients did that.

I have a few concerns:
1. Their forms seem like a background check. It asked for my license plate number, car make, model, etc... And a bunch more personal questions...like about my childhood development... I did email her and ask her if I had to fill everything out. She emailed back asap saying we can discuss whatever I don't want to fill out.
2. She's okay if I see her as a "mother-figure". That just seems odd. I told her that I would probably develop an attachment to her and asked how she felt about that. She said we'll deal with it if it happens.
3. She's a very religious person. Which I'm fine with. But I do not identify as Christian. I don't identify with any religious label. But it might be a good thing because I have a lot of guilt with my current beliefs because they go against what I was taught when I was a Christian, so maybe she can help with the guilt?
4. If I understood her correctly, she wants me to disclose everything next session. That scared the hell out of me! Omg! 95%, okay. I can at least state the basics. But she better not want details. I am so not there yet. Basically, anything about sex in the past is off-limits. I told her there's a secret that there's no way I'm telling her about anytime soon. We'll see. && (Guilloche).

And I admitted to her that I google'd her and found out a lot about her already. And that I found her home address and phone number... She was a little taken aback. But it really bothered me that I found it, especially considering her profession. She was actually grateful I told her. I explained that I won't stalk her. It'd be pretty stupid to admit to that day 1 and then go stalk her. I think she believed me.

She promised to not lie to me. And she promised not to abandon me. Both those promises scare me. Will she keep them? Do I dare trust her? Should I jump in the deep end and open myself up again? Or do I go cautiously? I want help and don't want to wallow in this pain forever. But I don't know this woman. My gut says to trust her. My heart says no way. My brain hasn't a clue.

But I liked her. That's what matters right now, right? Just take it one step at a time.

I'm still scared of her, and I told her that. She didn't believe me at first. Just like my ex-T didn't believe me. Could that be my gut telling me there's something wrong? Or is that simply me trying to protect myself?

Well, it was a good day anyways. A long day. I think I will sleep well tonight.

Thank you all for joining me. It meant a lot.

(((Scarlet)))
I'm glad it went well

Thank you for letting us know how it went! I agree, the one important thing right now is that you think you probably like her. That's good. She also sounds down to earth to me, pragmatic, professional: Like when she says "we'll deal with the attachment when it happens".

And you were brave, telling her that there is a secret you cannot disclose right now. Well done! So if there ends up being an elephant in the room, at least she will know there is one! That's much better than an invisible elephant!

Hugs

I'm glad you like her! She sounds good to me, too. Open, flexible. This is great!

I had my fingers crossed. &&

And it's night time. "All roads lead to"...ex-T.

I remembered that my T also told me that if I went to a specific DBT center that she wanted me to go to, she would remain my individual therapist, help me with the DBT and even be on-call 24/7. So again, I don't understand why she left.

I feel like I'm cheating on my ex-T with my new T. Is that weird? Not like she would even care, right? I feel guilty for liking this new T.

But I am really excited about this new T the more I think about it. Scared, but hopeful. Actually, I'm not scared of her per se, I'm scared because she's a T...my T. Scared to be vulnerable. Part of me just wants to hate her, but I don't. Part of me wants to give in and give her my trust. I just want to be cared for, but I can't allow myself to do that.

My ex-T really f'ed me up.... Does someone have a time machine I can borrow so I can skip this grieving process? Please! I need my ex-T out of my thoughts and feelings. If she's physically gone, why won't my mind let go?

I hope this week passes by fast so I can see how it goes the next time with this new T. I'm really curious. I know I will start panicking about seeing her a few days before. But still, I want to know if my instinct is right about her.

I'll just shut up and go to bed now. Even though I can't sleep. Such is life.

Oh, and Kraken, the elephant is pink. It's huge. And sadly, it's an ugly elephant (maybe because it's pink?) But I'm honest, even about things I don't want to be honest and/or open about

What does her being religious have to do with how she practices therapy, and how is this going to affect you? Its great that you are open-minded, but do you know if she is open-minded? I guess i would want some assurance that her only solution to problems isnt to "get right with god." Would that leave you feeling vulnerable and unlovable again?

My clinic is pretty comprehensive about questions. Not with car/license plate although I do think that can be helpful information in the event that they think you're in danger perhaps? My T knows my car and so if he thought I was a danger to myself, he could describe it to the cops to get me found. I'd say just tell her the parts you're nervous about


I happen to be religious and the clinic I go to, a lot of the Ts identify as Christian (the whole clinic identifies itself that way)... and also I know that they totally take everyone. I've seen Muslims, I've had atheists in my group, new age, the whole rigamarole. My T and I have had conversations and he just takes people where they are - he's not going to bring up God or push his beliefs. He's not there to proselytize. And DBT is all about nonjudgmental stance and helping people feel empowered in themselves.

Why do you think she didn't believe you? I'm just curious

I think therapists can believe in a religion and have it not matter to me, but I would be a bit concerned if somehow the therapist told me they were "very religious" in the first meeting. Like - why would they tell me that right off the bat? - I don't want religion anywhere near me and therapy. The therapist can believe in their own time.

A pink elephant? How can it be ugly? Maybe put some pretty stickers on it!

I can relate to the "fast forwarding" wish so much. I feel very much the same. But I also think that for me it's already progress to even think in these terms. Until very recently I basically just wanted things to end, because I couldn't imagine ever working through this pile of rubble ahead of me. Thinking that the world doesn't end at this pile, but that there's actually something beyond that pile is a huge step for me.

Yay! I'm really glad that you liked her, and that she gives hugs, and that so far she seems like she'll be a good therapist! I wouldn't worry about feeling like you're cheating on your old T - I think it just takes our emotions a bit of time to adjust to changes, whether we're changing Ts, cars, jobs, houses, anything (my experience anyway).

I'm really happy and relived for you! I hope she ends up being a huge help!

And, Kraken - how do you press thumbs together?! I'm genuinely curious, is it like pressing your own two thumbs together? Or do you press someone else's thumb? We give "high fives" here (slapping our hand against someone elses') when something good happens, do you do a "thumb slap" with someone for good luck, or is it more gentle?

Tentatively, maybe an "8"? Because the two circles are like two thumbs pushed together? That, or maybe something like... ")(" (tips of two thumbs together?)

About new T's religious beliefs: I cannot say why it was brought up for anonymity reasons, but it was brought up in an appropriate way.

If she is Christian and DBT has some foundation in Buddhism, then I'm hoping that she can help with my own conflict. My beliefs lie somewhere btwn the two. My only fear is that religion makes up a good part of her identity, and she reminds me of the people at the church I was a part of that was pentecostal and evangelistic. I do not want to be a part of that niche? again.

I know, the only way to sort this out with her is to address it with her. I was just posting my fears. I really don't mind other people's beliefs, I just don't want it shoved down my throat.

Haha, now a thumb slap would be cool. I'll try and establish that . Pressing thumbs is much more mundane -- basically you make a fist and tuck the thumb inside. So the fingers squeeze (I think that's the more accurate translation of "drücken" now that I think of it) the thumb of the same hand.

Yeah. After my ex-T called the police on me at her office... Could you imagine if she gave the police all my car info and they pull me over while driving? If I'm in a state of crisis trying to get home safely and a cop pulls me over, how huge would my panic attack be then?

Because she said she didn't believe me. She said to my fiance when we enter her office: "Don't be scared. Come on in." He replied he wasn't scared. I replied that I am. She thought it was a joke. I told her that I was really scared of her, and my fiance confirmed. She didn't seem to understand how I could be scared of her. I reiterated that I'm scared of her when we left.

Btw, why do people respond with "Aww, don't be". As if that one sentence is going to take away all my fears...

Yeah, religion is complicated. Being a T though, she should me much more open to others' religious/spiritual experiences or lack thereof than the average evangelical.
I KWYM... I quite like the symbolism of religion and religious practice, but I don't take any of it literally. I enjoy talking about it - I've been asked to people's churches more than once I'd actually like to go, but I'm afraid people would be less than accepting of my actual beliefs... I suppose I should just do it. I'll never really know unless I try...