My T Left Me...Part 2

Thank you for the article on Linehan. I knew she suffered from BPD. I had started reading her book, but the vocabulary in that is difficult for me to get through. But I learned a new word from trying to read her book: etiology I also wrote her once. Never heard back.

I read the list of assumptions. My fear is that my T said many of theses things to me also:

And this one scares me:
This is concerning because I am trying so hard to do better. What if it's believed that I'm not trying hard enough?

I really need someone who is honest, open, upfront, caring, authentic, and intelligent. Those are necessary. I can't trust or be open w/o those. My fear with DBT is the structure. Does this structure allow room for relating? For a healthy connection?

My T didn't really want to address the attachment issue even though she said we could as often as I wanted to. My need for reassurance was always challenged at first. I enjoy bei g challenged, but not having to constantly prove why I needed xyz from her. Like when I asked her if my attachment bothered her. She challenged me by saying why does it matter? I wrote a thread on the forums about that. I came up with a good list of why it mattered to me. We never got to address it. We never got a chance to address a lot of things

I will be going. I don't want to regret not going. And I'm taking my puppy, my fiance, and all pocket riders But I'm still terrified of this woman.

purse rider here!

I think the trying harder is used in conjunction with the idea that people are doing the best they can. It's, as they say, a dialect. Two truths, both factual in the same space at the same time.

Here's what my sheet says:

An authentic DBT T isn't going to tell you that you aren't trying hard enough. That's a judgment. You're really the only person who can decide that. A DBT T might point out areas where you aren't being willing and they aren't going to tell you that you're not trying hard enough.

I have never been told that I wasn't trying hard enough. I have been validated in my efforts and what my T has always focused on is building awareness and encouraging skillful behavior. When I have struggled to be skillful, rather than focusing on where I wasn't skillful, my efforts have been reframed to show me how I was skillful, even if the biggest thing I did that week was show up to therapy.

That's the heart and soul of DBT. It's not about shaming you. It's not about judging you. It's about a very straightforward acceptance of reality.

I think my T is very authentic. In fact, the Ts I've interacted with have all come across as genuine, compassionate, and thoughtful. A good DBT program with well trained DBT Ts... they're going to be like that. You may not click with the first one because personalities can vary, and they have been beautifully transparent, talking about how DBT has impacted their own lives.

And if it matters, my T has never asked my why. I've asked for hugs. I've asked to talk about things. He's never asked me once why I needed to do it. He views the relationship as a real relationship between two people collaborating together. If I need something, I say something and I have a right to need and want things (DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST).

I know I'm gushing all over DBT LOL. I'm spoiled by it. I hate working outside my DBT program because I feel so incredibly validated and heard... I really feel like what I want is considered and that I have power and control in my life.

Heck, right now I'm giving my T hell about my IP experience. I don't think he handled it well and he doesn't ask me why I need to rehash it. He just lets me and I get to practice some of my skills as I do it.

Eh. I chose the pillow...lol. He was slacking. But he agreed that it was perfect and he bought it for me. Have to wait for it in the mail. I'm actually excited about it. I could have used it last night.

I know whatever I find on the internet won't define who a person is. But I can get a good vibe from it. I did with my T. I know it's judgemental, but the ones who have pictures that look scary to be, I won't go near. If they consider that a professional picture, then no thank you.

My fear with the DBT T is that she reminds me of my previous bad T. About the same age, both have sons, both single, and they even look the same. The good thing is that I know the therapy itself will be different. I liked my previous T as a person, she just sucked as a T.

And I know I have replied to so many posts that educational level doesn't make a difference, but I'm actually happy that this new T only has her masters. My absolute best T who terminated with me "correctly" was a LCSW. This new one is a MFT.

For the "match.com" with a T and client....it could work. They have surveys, forms, questioners that can match personality already (can use it for both the professional and the client). They have assessments that can help diagnose the client. And then you match the personalities and then match the disorder with the right mode of therapy...and match payment. Not saying it would be perfect, but a lot easier to weed out all the Ts. And it should be used for clients to search only. A T should not have access to the match results for ethical reasons.

And I agree! We need a [fingers-crossed] icon! Or a good luck sign. Something

When do you meet with the DBT T?

NowhereUSA:

What you describe is what I want! I want that so much.

I'm glad you love DBT as much as you do. It gives me hope.

The following story is based off of true events (): It's like going to a hairstylist and asking them what would work best for you. You have had long blonde hair your whole life. She suggests cutting your above shoulder length to frame your face and make your neck look longer, and red hair with a hint of brunette to bring out the color of your blue eyes w/o brightening the red tones in your skin complexion. But this look is so drastic from your norm. Yet at the same time, the norm isn't working anymore. So you take the plunge and hope for the best. That's where I'm at. My hope: that DBT therapy turns out to be as good for my mental health as my hair is for my appearance.

The difference is that my hair length and color won't break my heart, whereas a new person in my life can...and it's been my experience that most do.

Why can't all relationships, even non-therapeutic, have a good termination process?

Oops, sorry, I didn't realize that you picked out the pillow yourself. Good job then! I'm glad your fiance got it for you, and I hope it gets here quickly. Don't you just hating waiting for stuff in the mail! At least it's nice to have a package on the way though... ! (I hate the waiting, but I love getting stuff in the mail, even if I have to send it to myself!)

And, sorry, I hope I didn't sound unsupportive. I just know that's something I regularly do (analyzing bits and pieces of information to try to figure a T out), and it doesn't seem to work so well for me. But, I totally agree with you about the pictures! I think that's a little different... they choose the pictures, they know that they're representing themselves and that it should be professional. If they choose something unprofessional, or can't manage to look non-scary (!) - that definitely says something (valid, imo) about them.

Hmm... I wonder if we could petition match.com to create a special "T-Match.com" spinoff! I really do love the idea. It could help so many people if done well!

Tomorrow, Thursday, at 7:30pm west coast time.

Oh, no. I didn't feel you were being unsupportive. I do agree you can't judge a person, least not realistically in their entirety, based upon what you find on the internet.

I did actually find a review online about the new T. She got a 1 star rating. No comments were left, but when looking at the ratings, the person put that they had to wait for 45mins. Wait 45mins for what? An appointment? I doubt it. 45mins for her to call them back? So what. Lol. So I kind of just chalked the review up to a disgruntled client...or maybe a client from a different job (she said she has another job). I know not everyone gets along with everybody. When I tutored, I was always given the difficult students because they didn't bother me. But some students couldn't stand me. And I was okay with that

^ very true.

I think it's smart of you to not let that weird review get in your way with this new T... those kind of things are so odd. I'd rather find something where people actually write about their experience, since you can get a feeling for them a bit more...

I'm beat... it's late here... and I've been super-non-productive. I want to run away and go on a retreat! You know... to just get away from everything here!

Anyway, I'm heading off to bed... just wanted to wish you a good night!

If I use this: & as a symbol of "fingers crossed" - do you get it? It sort of looks all pretzeled up and twisted like crossed fingers, doesn't it? Or am I just that tired?

&& - hope the appointment tomorrow goes well!

Lol. & does look like fingers crossed. Or $, but $ would be more confusing I think.

I hope you're doing okay Guilloche. From the sound of your posts, I think you need more hugs than I do. (((((Guilloche)))))

I did talk to my advocate today. She's been really encouraging. She told me to call her again on Monday to update her on tomorrow's T appt.

Still think it's sad that you all, the county, the advocate, etc. are all more supportive and caring than the last time I saw my T.

Anyways, the advocate really encouraged me to give this T a chance. She explained that the fact she doesn't have her license yet could be a good sign that she's not burnt out and is still enthusiastic to practice. And she does think someone her age would be a better fit for me. She thought my T sounded a little young for me when she talked to her on the phone. She also said that I am a lot better than when I first met her, and she believes that I'm ready for this change; I'm ready to grow.

I'm still so scared. 22 hours... I am pretty much ready. I just need to put together a list of my concerns. I also need to figure out what to wear

I'm keeping track of the time. My fiance will be home in an hour. Then we'll probably watch 1-2 hours of TV. I'll wind up staying up for another 3 hours due to sleep issues. Then I'll sleep till noon. Wake up, get ready, feed dogs, leave at 1:30pm to see my Pdoc. Then I go to group right after. Then go home, pick up my fiance and puppy and drive down there. Have dinner (well, it's lunch for us). Then go meet T. Thankfully there's no real down time except now until my fiance comes home and from midnight to 3am.

But my nerves are getting to me. I'm literally sick to my stomach. Basically have stomach flu like symptoms w/o the fever. It's horrible. My emotions are fluctuating so much: depressed, angry, grief, fear, and yes, hope. But it's draining me. I so want this T to work out. I'm not sure if my body can handle this stress for much longer. And if I have to keep searching for Ts...

I wish I could communicate with my T what all she has done to me. How is any of this more beneficial than her spending the time processing this with me? It's more than a loss of a doctor. It's more than a change. It's one of the most traumatic experiences I have ever experienced. I want her to know! I want her to understand my pain! How can she, even as a human being, do this to someone? I wouldn't wish this on anyone. You suffer so much. And people are there for you. But then when you stop crying, start coping, everyone is so positive and encouraging. But then it feels like you are expected to be over this. But you're not. It's still there. Everything I do, everything I look at, something always reminds me of my T.

I hate it, and I know the pain is different, but I wish she was dead. Not to cause her or her family pain, but so I might have some understanding, a little closure, a place to grieve her, remember her. To not have the good memories tarnished. I know her death wouldn't really make anything better. I just wish for some peace. I wish...for so many things. I don't understand. I just want to understand!

I'm sorry. I'm just tired of all of this.

Scarlet,
I just logged on to wish you goodnight right before I went to bed. I'm sorry you're hurting again. I know it looks like forever now but have you noticed how the bad times are getting less frequent and the more normal times are getting longer?

When people encourage you when you're feeling better it's about taking our cue from you and being glad that you're starting to recover, not about expectations. It looks like there will be ups and downs for awhile, but the up times will gradually be more than the hard times. This is night, a vulnerable time for you right now. Tomorrow you're seeing someone who knows about this and who has tools to help you. The hope has a real basis.

You said you still have a few things left to do to prepare. Now is a good time to do that; it will keep you busy until your fiancée gets home and you have a busy day tomorrow so it will be good to have it all done.

I thought you might get a case of the nerves. Try to bring your focus to the support and love that you do have, and the possibility that tomorrow you might well finally get the help you need.

Hoping your night turns more peaceful,
Rags

Yeah. The bad times are getting less frequent. And my daily life is getting back to normal. It's just when I remember her. I think I'm distracted enough during the day, but night time I'm all alone, vulnerable, and wanting comfort. My T provided me with the most emotional comfort out of anyone. I have been resisting my SI urges and I'm not worried about the SUI thoughts at this that point. But when I think of my T, I'm just overwhelmed with emotions.

Tonight, is not a restful night I'm super tired and can fall asleep in an instant. The problem is that my lower back is in horrible pain atm. I don't know if I pulled a muscle in my lower back and the pain is shooting down, or if when I hit my knee tonight it caused pain and it's shooting up. I put polar frost on, took ibuprofen, and have a heating pad on. I'm hoping that will help enough so I can sleep.

I made my list of fears and concerns. Now it's just letting events unfold. One important thing, that SC reminds me all the time, is to eat right. I've been trying to make some healthier choices and it seems to be helping a little. But I plan to eat well tomorrow to ease the stress a little.

I really really hope this might be the right T. My instinct will tell me. I will instantly feel a connection or not. And I'm hoping my fiance can come with into session so he can get a feel of this new T. My T never let him come in except for one time.

Good night Rags. Sweet dreams. I will hopefully be heading there soon myself.

(((SP))) I hope you were able to get some sleep! I know how that is. This week has been very trying for me, too. You're right, it's the alone times that are the hardest to keep the thoughts of the old T, and the heartache of the loss, at bay.

I have work to keep me distracted, but that hasn't been working well at all this week. I've had to hide my tears while at my desk. Gone to the bathroom and cried like a baby, hoping no one would walk in.
I don't want to worry you or cause you any more distress so I haven't brought this up, but I've been up and down on this since I found out about my T's cancer in early October. I haven't seen or spoken to her since early December. I didn't expect the news of her death last Friday to get me all worked up again. I've had 6 months to accept this and work through these emotions. The thing for me is I've never felt emotion like this before. Not even close. I think for me the actual "feeling" of emotion is also getting to me. Up until now, I've always been very good at not "feeling".

The thing is, you will have a good days, bad days, good weeks, and bad weeks. Don't judge yourself by that. It's all part of the grieving process. Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace.

That eating thing is important, too. I was very good at watching what I eat, and tried to make good choices for quite a long time. Then when T got sick, I headed right for the junk. She was very health conscious, exercised, ate right, did everything right. I had put on over 60 lbs since starting on anti-depressants and was gaining. I changed my diet simply by logging it and actually eating more calories. The gaining stopped, but I didn't lose any weight. I've been slacking but luckily I haven't gained any...yet. Trying to get back on track and away from the junk snacks. I do feel better without the sugar, but I have to eat enough calories to have any energy.

Scarlet, I just want to tell you that I will be thinking of you when you see the potential new T tonight. If you're having pocket riders, I'm in! I hope it goes well for you. Remember to breathe! I was in a DBT group for almost 2 years. I didn't see a separate DBT T, but I really liked the leaders and coleaders. Though DBT itself is structured, the leaders were compassionate and caring. Every person, T or not, is unique, and I sincerely hope this T is a good fit for you. Lots of hugs and wishes for tonight!

Good morning Scarlet (for later when you wake up),

about your back. Not what you need at the moment, especially. I hope you were able to get to sleep finally and it feels better today.

I'm stll purse riding and still gonna ogle DBT T when she isn't looking.

When you read my responses to you it would help to know where I'm coming from. I responded to you because you were in such pain but also because from the start (and still), I instinctively like you, a lot, and feel comfortable with you, and knew enough to know that responding to you honestly would help even if I was off the mark sometimes. But my own reactions are different; I'm a loner and very inwardly directed and never miss people even when the situation calls for it.

I'm so glad that other people here get what you're going through on a more experiential level than I am capable of. Though if I was boss of the world none of you would have to experience this.

The point is, if I ever make things seem easier than it is, it's not a reflection on either of us. It's just me being off the mark due to where I'm coming from but I'm constantly learning from you.

You're strong, lady, and teaching me a lot.

Hugs and good luck today. I'll be thinking about you.

Rags

It's great that you're willing to give DBT T a chance even with all the emotional upheaval you're feeling. Willingness is such a huge part of DBT. It's a step in the right direction.

Let us know how it goes.

(((ScarletPimpernel)))

Thanks for the hugs... yeah, things are a bit rough here too. I'm doing lots of journaling to try to get my head around it.

& & Good luck today... hopefully you were able to eventually get some sleep, so you won't have to deal with exhaustion on top of all the other feelings! I really hope this new T works out, and that you get a good first impression from her.

And, glad the advocate is being supportive and helpful, that's great to hear too!

(((SP))) since your appointment is after mine with my T, I'm available for the ride along too!!

i can be your pocket rider as well

(((Scarlet))) I've been quiet here lately (my own stuff, yanno), but I'm thinking of you. I'll be in your purse with kettle and teabags this evening Would you like some chai? Or I have some of my favorite lemon ginger too? I think I might have some raspberry zinger, let me look...

This is my experience as well. It's horrible and I hate that it happens to so many people. You go to someone and pour out your heart and try so hard to get well and tell them your deepest secrets and they tell you they will be there until you don't need them anymore and then they damage you in a way that is hard to put into words.

(((((NP)))))

I know you and a lot of people replying to me and lurking here are struggling too. I do not believe my pain is greater than anyone else's nor that I deserve this amount of support. I may have started this thread, but I think it's just as beneficial for people who are replying to me to get support too. I haven't been reading or replying to other threads much for fear I'm going to stir up something that I won't be able to handle Least here, if I say something off, people will understand it's my situation... But I want to be reciprocal to everyone who has supported me through this. So if you or anyone want to add or share, by all means SHARE! It's like the icon I posted for this thread: or or . That's where I see the benefit of a forum. We're all different and going through something unique to us, but we can all relate.

I do care for you too NP.

Don't worry about worrying me or causing me distress. The only thing that would hurt me from people here would be if I was attacked, insulted, judged, etc.

I'm weird. I have this huge fear of people, but my life tends to go the direction of being surrounded by people especially when I'm struggling. And it's always been helpful. I love listening to others, hearing their stroy, learning from them. It helps me. I think that's why I'm gravitating so much to PC right now, and why the people who are reading this are gravitating here too: because we can all relate.

Long story short: don't hold back from writing about what's going on with you. It helps. It puts life into perspective. It allows me to reach outside of myself and be who I am. And hopefully you gain some benefit from it too

I don't work... I'm not able to yet. I can just see myself going into work, maybe a receptionist, a customer complains and I break down in tears. Or a line forms and I run out of the building in an anxiety attack. It's actually funny to imagine, but wouldn't be very funny to go through. One day though... I think I have settled that my next socializing goal(s) will be taking a stained glass class, and the new DBT group (if I stay with the new T). Then maybe finishing my AA. And maybe my BA? And then who knows, my masters in architecture?? Or maybe life will allow me to be a mother? Idk. But they're all nice goals.

Interesting about increasing the calories, but lowering the sugars. That's basically what I'm supposed to be doing. I can easily reduce the carbs to within my appropriate range if I try. The keeping the calories up part, not so good at. I'm supposed to gey 300 calories in me for breakfast so my medication can fully absorb... I'm struggling with it. I like my fiberone bars. And then I always have my coffee. But finding more food to fit in there is overwhelming. The other day I added an apple, it was too much to eat for me. I shared most of it with the dogs And yesterday I tried adding a yogurt. I could barely get that in me. People assume that overweight people simply eat too much...it's so much more complicated than amount of food. I need a diabetic nutritionist... Maybe I'll ask my primary to see one again. One that will help me with a meal plan.