I'm trying to understand my attachment needs in therapy. I'd like to hear people's views on this: it's my guess that there are some people (like me), Who experienced emotional neglect as an infant, for whom attachment surfaces as an issue in therapy? I have a hunch that maybe if someone experiences trauma later in life but who had more of their emotional needs met as an infant that attachment might not be such a big issue? Perhaps it is also true that the nature of being an infant is that not all your emotional wants can be met as you do have to separate from your caregiver, so there can be slight trauma in it for everyone? I'm thinking of starting with a new T and this is why Im thinking about this question, I'm trying to understand whether my attachment needs might be different to some others in therapy? I'm wondering what proportion of clients have attachment issues with their T? I guess no one can answer that question, also the issues would all vary in their intensity. I don't think mine were really intense.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Count me out - my T is a professional working, for a fee, with me on various problems, but then I find I have no great need for achievement generally.

I'm not attached to my T but I suspect it would be like being attracted to anyone else in life such as a friend or lover. Some people we are drawn to and others we are not. Maybe it's more so if you've had a trauma but I doubt someone would get attached to just anybody. I think there would have to be some kind of emotional or physical chemistry there.

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Count me out - my T is a professional working, for a fee, with me on various problems, but then I find I have no great need for achievement generally.

I never thought i had any great need for attachment either. I didn't go to therapy till I was in my 40's and have not really thought much about my childhood over the years - I didn't really think about it till I had my own children when I realised how different my parents were to other grandparents and also began reflecting on parenthood. My attachment to my ex-T came out of the blue, was unexpected, but I feel like I understand it.

id just go with what in yourself needs to be addressed within therapy with a safe therapist.
I've learnt that not everyone has the ability to be honest with themselves, so these sort of questions in a community such as this do not always get 'honest' answers. Not deliberate dishonesty, but more denial.

First, I don't think people have the same operational definitions when speaking about attachment in the field of mental health. I use John Bowlby's Attachment Theory in early development and hook it Mary Ainsworth's Strange Experiment. "Attachment behavior in adults towards the child includes responding sensitively and appropriately to the child’s needs. Such behavior appears universally across cultures ( I have my doubts it's equal across cultures). Attachment theory provides an explanation of how the parent-child relationship emerges and influences subsequent development," (S. McCloud, 2009).

So yes, IMHO, if someone has experienced a safe and secure attachment they are better equipped to recover from the more difficult things in life. Though, it does not mean it is easy and painless for them to deal with all that comes their way. Not all of an infant's emotional needs can be met 100% of the time. "Bowlby (1958) proposed that attachment can be understood within an evolutionary context in that the caregiver provides safety and security for the infant. Attachment is adaptive as it enhances the infant’s chance of survival."

What I have noticed anecdotally is that most therapist are ill equipped, even if they think they can go the distance to deal with those that have the most needs. So, it is a risky undertaking for both therapist and client. If the therapist bails out the client falls father away from getting to be safely and securely attached. And, many people don't need that kind of therapy to heal. They already have the basic tools.

Good luck to you Brow Owl!

A good website to understand Attachment Theory:

Attachment Theory | Simply Psychology

[rainbow8]

The extent of my attachment difficulties is such that 5 different types of Ts told me that my needs weren't met as an infant. I have fought that reasoning because I had parents who loved me and didn't neglect me. I was a preemie and was in an incubator for around 2 weeks. T thinks that's it, along with my Mom's anxiety. I think genetics too. My main issue now is the attachment problem. I never understood why I became "addicted" to each one of my Ts. Now I know it's due to early attachment difficulties. It's very difficult to overcome. I suggest asking a prospective T how they deal with attachment issues. My current T is the only one whom I feel is going to help, by changing my neural pathways to feel the safety and security I apparently never had.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

The extent of my attachment difficulties is such that 5 different types of Ts told me that my needs weren't met as an infant. I have fought that reasoning because I had parents who loved me and didn't neglect me. I was a preemie and was in an incubator for around 2 weeks. T thinks that's it, along with my Mom's anxiety. I think genetics too. My main issue now is the attachment problem. I never understood why I became "addicted" to each one of my Ts. Now I know it's due to early attachment difficulties. It's very difficult to overcome. I suggest asking a prospective T how they deal with attachment issues. My current T is the only one whom I feel is going to help, by changing my neural pathways to feel the safety and security I apparently never had.

I have a first session lined up with a new T, my concern is that she charges more than my last T, for my last T I trialed going twice a week and I found it helpful, but it will be less affordable with this T unless she reduces her rate a lot for twice a week. I was thinking that it maybe that with this T once a week will be fine. I don't want to ask her straight away about the possibility of twice a week, I want to see what unfolds. I picked this T as there aren't many local to me who are older than me.

[rainbow8]

I'm 15 years older than my T. I don't think age matters as much as a good "fit." Good luck! Once a week is typical so try it and see how it goes. I wish I could go back to once a week instead of every other week.

People say find a safe therapist. What is a safe therapist? I thought I had one and I was devastated by him. I don't think I can ever have that trust and attachment again. I don't get overly attached anyway, but I did deeply trust that he would be there to the end of the healing process.

I don't know. I think for some therapy can't work because of the severity of the issues and abuse and trauma and neglect and also because of genetic make up. It's too terrifying.

[musinglizzy]

Part of the reason I won't see another T if I eventually quit with the one I have is because I'll just get attached to another one. I try not to "appear" attached but in my head, I am. I've surely learned that about myself, and I think therapy has caused me more issues than I already had, simply because I get attached to someone I can't be attached to. It really sucks.

yes, my mother was depressed for quite a lot of my childhood, and i didn't 'click' with her. this was emotional neglect for me; it's coming back to bite me in the arse now as i have attachment issues in therapy.

[justdesserts]

I have a hard time trusting anyone. When I finally allowed myself to admit that I cared about my therapist and trusted him, that's what attachment meant to me. When I started therapy, I wasn't worried about my attachment needs, but as things got deeper, we weren't able to do any real work until I felt secure. I know there was some instability in my growing up, but I also suffered some trauma as an adult. I can't say where my need for attachment comes from or if what I call "attachment" is normal therapeutic bond.

Originally Posted by justdesserts

I have a hard time trusting anyone. When I finally allowed myself to admit that I cared about my therapist and trusted him, that's what attachment meant to me. When I started therapy, I wasn't worried about my attachment needs, but as things got deeper, we weren't able to do any real work until I felt secure. I know there was some instability in my growing up, but I also suffered some trauma as an adult. I can't say where my need for attachment comes from or if what I call "attachment" is normal therapeutic bond.

I think that we all probably ascribe different meanings to the concept of attachment to our therapist. For me having an attachment issue with her was this:1. experiencing a longing to be with her,. 2.right at the end I felt insecure about the relationship, and 3.when I stopped seeing her I found it hard.

[BudFox]

I had never felt attachment to a T, until the one I saw last year. Something was different, and it may well have been the "imago" concept at work (unconscious idealized mental image of a parent). Something deep down seemed to click, making me feel a link between T and my mother. Maybe.

Seems this is a good thing, if it is handled correctly and carefully. Establishing this "secure base" even as an adult, might allow one to re-process old trauma. Some use the word "dependence" which is more pejorative.

With my old T I was ok with the idea of being attached, as long as it was means to an end, which is greater emotional stability and independence. But because she gave up on me, I less stable.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by therapyworked4me

What I have noticed anecdotally is that most therapist are ill equipped, even if they think they can go the distance to deal with those that have the most needs. So, it is a risky undertaking for both therapist and client. If the therapist bails out the client falls father away from getting to be safely and securely attached.

Based on my recent experience, I concur that some Ts are not equipped to go the distance with clients with strong needs. I became horrifyingly needy and developed intense and ferocious infatuation for my T. I let her know all of this, in no uncertain terms. It was risky to be so vulnerable and to trust fully. My T did end up bailing. I think she realized she was in over head, had led me to a precarious place, then wanted to run.

Now I don't know how in hell I will ever allow myself to get that attached to a T, which is potentially tragic, cuz it may in fact be in what I need to heal.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

yes, my mother was depressed for quite a lot of my childhood, and i didn't 'click' with her. this was emotional neglect for me; it's coming back to bite me in the arse now as i have attachment issues in therapy.

Same here. I think my mother's emotional distance and depression are at the root of a lot of my difficulties in life, and make me a mess in relationships. But attachment issues in therapy would be a good thing maybe, if the T knows what they are doing. Though it might be very painful and confusing.

[stopdog]

The first one I see has said she thinks I am dismissive. I don't know if it is true or not and do not see it as a problem even if it were true.

[Soccer mom]

I did everything I could to avoid being attached to mine. And, I haven't flat out said "I'm attached to you". But, one session I said I was sad at the end and she asked why. I couldn't figure it out and then I said "oh, it's the stupid attachment". She said "yeah, stupid attachment" and smiled. I don't think I would have that longing if I wasn't attached. And, I don't think I've really attached to many people in my life since I usually have the "I don't need anyone" mentality. So, this all came as a surprise. I too guess that I need it to process things from my childhood and hope it will lessen as time goes on and I process more.

Originally Posted by stopdog

The first one I see has said she thinks I am dismissive. I don't know if it is true or not and do not see it as a problem even if it were true.

My ex-T also called me dismissive, is dismissive the new 'resistant'?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

My ex-T also called me dismissive, is dismissive the new 'resistant'?

Ha! Good question! Does dismissive mean you are resistant to becoming attached. I would say no. You are attached dismissively, which means that when you are attached, you act like the other person doesnt matter. They ask for something, you dont get it for them. But if a stranger asked, you might get it for the stranger.

[divine1966]

I am getting attached and addicted to people, always men. I am not attached to my Ts. I think I deliberately chose female Ts so I don't get attached

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by hankster

Ha! Good question! Does dismissive mean you are resistant to becoming attached. I would say no. You are attached dismissively, which means that when you are attached, you act like the other person doesnt matter. They ask for something, you dont get it for them. But if a stranger asked, you might get it for the stranger.

I don't think the dismissiveness was related to attachment - I was attached to her but did not accept some of the ridiculous things she said.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I don't think the dismissiveness was related to attachment - I was attached to her but did not accept some of the ridiculous things she said.

You dont know the ridiculous men i married. Or ridiculous boyfriends i had. Thats the point. I dont know if this applies to your situation with your t. But i knew my parents were uneducated and superstitious, and my bfs were beneath me intellectually (and other ways) also. So i could retain my dismissive stance. I also knew they didnt love or respect me and the feeling was mutual. Like the book title, "i hate you, dont leave me!" Its a horrible way to live. My t says my mother connects thru pain. I dont quite understand that, and boy i dont want to.

Originally Posted by hankster

You dont know the ridiculous men i married. Or ridiculous boyfriends i had. Thats the point. I dont know if this applies to your situation with your t. But i knew my parents were uneducated and superstitious, and my bfs were beneath me intellectually (and other ways) also. So i could retain my dismissive stance. I also knew they didnt love or respect me and the feeling was mutual. Like the book title, "i hate you, dont leave me!" Its a horrible way to live. My t says my mother connects thru pain. I dont quite understand that, and boy i dont want to.

Hmmm. I think I'm close to getting what you are saying. Do you think that if I have a new T who listens with understanding and smiles at me as I think I long for, I will experience the same intensity of feeling as I did with T1? The thing is I didn't actually feel that I was dismissing what she said, I just didn't agree, and discussed my alternative views with her. I felt that she dismissed my views. I felt that she couldn't accept and enjoy our different views. She considers life to be an art and I consider it a science. We spent time on why life is an art but she dismissed the idea that life is a science, she never tried to understand where I was coming from, or that a scientist could accept science's limitations. Now I'm rambling very off the subject of attachment. I didn't actually want to discuss art and science with her, I wanted to discuss how it felt to have my health issue, but she dismissed all that medicine has said about my health 'I don't believe what they say in medical journals'. She was therefore dismissing the understanding I have of my health, though my condition is one that she had never heard of.

Hank I think I wrote all that to explain that I was not being 'resistant' or 'dismissive' - I was just being me.