Couch 91 - Forget the small change

I know I should keep my unsolicited thoughts to myself, but my stupid therapist has made me believe that my opinions and thoughts are as valid as other people's. Complete bollocks, of course.

It's the middle of the night here (more or less). I cannot sleep. Finally told my T some of the weirdness in my head I have kept hidden since I was 4. So at 2 something in the morning, I have a burning need to tell him that I am not offering him anything sexually and I am not mentioning this stuff due to any desire to seduce him. sigh. I am sure he knows that -- it's not like it's sexy when someone tells you stuff while sobbing. I hate my brain.

When I got on the computer, I saw my husband had been googling how to help a loved one with depression. I am too lazy to find the little floating hearts thingie, but everyone should imagine little heart bubbles here for my husband.

i hate my t

More cuteness" this him on my camping chair with his toy elephant

Another one

bipolararist he is so sweet!!

Clap your hands if you believe in fairies!

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Happy Wednesday all!

Here's this morning's "jam out on my headphones while everyone around me on the bus is unaware of the epic party going on right now" song:

The dancing just makes me happy!

It was really a clever show. I remember looking forward to watching it.

I can totally believe you remember this episode! I almost fell out of my chair when i realized the guy was scrunched up in the computer absolutely too much!! I think i vaguely remember the closing scene where the ink melts off the money after Cinnamon(!) pushes a button.

Eta - i wish i had a cool name like cinnamon.

Why wouldn't it be just as valid?
I believe they are all just as valid - some people I agree with and some I don't - but those I don't are not less valid.
Just because someone else is very wrong does not make their's less valid to express.
(I am kidding about the very wrong part)

I can't think of anything to eat that isn't boring, overdone this week, high fat or all three. And this year I'm doing Passover lite. One thing I didn't do was buy matzoh so I'm going de facto gluten-free without the faux bread and cookies.

Ex T tried to get me to go gluten free permanently on the theory that gluten is what stands between me and wanting a social life. As if wanting what I don't want is preferable to not having what I do want. If it even would've worked. Her thing a few years ago was probiotics which I did adopt cause I like kombucha when I can afford it and need daily yoghurt anyway. Didn't change a thing.

Ranting. Don't wanna rant. Wanna eat oatmeal. Bagels. French toast. Now. Bangs fork. Saturday sundown can't come soon enough. If I last that long.

Why am I doing this again? Which reason is compelling?

I read a couple of food/cooking blogs - and the whole dietary restriction thing for Passover seems quite involved and complicated. I love reading the posts on it because I find it fascinating - very lawyer like in the arguments for and against certain foods.

I don't mostly follow Jewish religious law (Halacha) but I find it endlessly fascinating.

I recently read this book Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots. It was very interesting.

Saw T yesterday. Got a second appointment for tomorrow.

I kinda want to go to twice a week for a while. I'll ask him about it tomorrow.

I was going through a period of fascination with Chasidic Jews a few years ago and was excited to find one by an ex Satmar woman because they're the least known about to non Chasids, but this one ended up being my least favorite. To me this one seemed to be too much about the author's personal vendettas.

My two personal favorites were a book written by a non-Chassidic Jewish woman about the NYC Luvavitch community from spending a lot of time with one woman in one family (Holy Days by Lisa Harris), and a film by a former Chasidic woman (Divan). There were more. I can see, though, where if Unorthodox is the first intro it would be interesting.

It was not the first book I have read on the subject. I did not mind the personal vendetta part as they seemed understandable to me.
I also like reading about military academies - all of these closed secretive communities with their air of repression and fear fascinate me.

Hello couch! Had Pdoc today, I decided no Prozac adjustment necessary, so keeping the things the same for the next 3 months. He seemed sort of amused that I was doing "well" and kept asking me about sleep, and do I work, and how many hours, and at the end of the appointment he said "It's good to see you doing well." What does that even mean?

DD1 came to my room at 3:20 this am, this seems to be her favorite time to come in for assistance. She had the hyperarousal, hypervigiliance thing going in big time. She laid down in my bed, I read her some coping skills off my friend Google, and either my presence or my boring monotone reading voice lulled her right to sleep. Yay!!

i go twice a week. it's been a lifesaver for me. i would recommend it if you can.

The problem is he thinks I need to deal with stuff I don't want to deal with. He's not wrong, I just don't want to.

Talk about doorknob therapy. T and i think that my replacing my doorknob yesterday, after having bought it several years ago, means i am no longer living under my mothers rule of, do what she orders now, do what i want later, but later never comes.

My T is pretty awesome sometimes. Never has anyone been so patient with me in my entire life, and my brain just does. not. know. how to handle it. Wish I could just take the afternoon off after my appointments to think about everything, but I always gotta run straight back to work.

Nice realization!

So, every year I am party of a planning committee for a fundraising banquet, for non for profit I am apart of. We just realized that one of the venues doesn't provide tables clothes, so we need to get them. I need 40 white tables clothes.. the prices I get quoted are $400-$480. FOR A DAY, FOR TABLE CLOTHS! Isn't that just stinking crazy?!

Glad I have the planning to keep me out of my head, after the recent depression, disclosure of rape to my mom and then the information I found out from her regarding my twin brother- I could be losing it right now!

I find keeping busy helps me. It's been stressful because I've been stuck at my house for weeks. I managed to book myself solid for things for two weeks and then... nothing.

Too much time in my head!