oh god. oh god. oh god. ive done something ****ing awful.

i am having a panic attack. i am going to try and write all this out so it makes sense.

Right. So, i harmlessly googled my therapist. I found a domain site that had her website name on, and on the domain was a male name and her ADDRESS. This male name, after some googling and searching the address, turned out to be her HUSBAND.
Okay, so i'm pleased to finally find some info on her, so far everything is good. Right. Then I google her husband, and I find a blog. It is a blog that he wrote while he and his wife (my beloved therapist) were travelling.

Here's where it gets horrific.

Then I find a picture. Of her and a little girl, the girl laying on her lap. Their family. A little boy.Right now, I'm like OH MY GOD. I always thought my therapist had NO children. I have MASSIVE ****ing maternal transference for her.

Now my heart is pounding, I am shaking.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

I can't describe the devastation. Realising that my therapist, who for so long I have valiantly told myself is CHILDLESS in a vague attempt at comforting my maternal transference, IS A MOTHER.

I know I walked right into it. I was so STUPID to Google it, I was so STUPID to go after her husband. For some of you, this may be no big deal. But I am devastated. I can't describe the effect this has had on me.

Oh my God. I don't know what to do. It feels like my heart has literally been ripped from my chest. As I go further and further on this blog, I find more information about my therapist and her family.

Please, please be kind with me. I am in a state of complete and utter shock. I know I never should have Googled her. I have done a terrible thing. And I am ****ing heartbroken.

I don't know what to do. I am a bad person. I can't bear this. She has CHILDREN. In my head, she is my mother.

I can't do it.

I'm not sure if these kids are her children as they are with her sister, but her husband states 'parental responsibilities'. they do have children.

[jaynedough]

8x8.... Please leave it at that. Assume that they are her sister's kids. Don't go further. When you see her, ask her if she has kids. That way you'll be in a place where you can deal with the info.

jaynedough her husband says 'parental responsibilities'. so they do have kids. and i've found their address. this is too much. i can't control myself.

i don't know what to do. I feel like SI-ing.

Possible trigger:

truth be told i feel like killing myself. this is bad as i have zero impulse control. i don't know what to do.

This doesn't change anything about your therapist's work with you. She is still the same person. You just know more about her.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

This doesn't change anything about your therapist's work with you. She is still the same person. You just know more about her.

no, now i know she has kids - this is going to do something bad to me. i can't handle this. i was abused as a child which gave me horrific attachment and abandonment issues we haven't touched upon in therapy.

You are absolutely not a bad person. Looking up your T online is not a terrible thing to do. She would not think you a bad person at all for doing this.

I understand your feelings around finding out these things. It is one reason why I would not want to know whether my T has children... it is completely understandable. Please be kind to yourself. Is there any possibility that you could talk to your T about this?

added: I just saw your latest post: please stay safe - can you call the Samaritans or some other crisis line?

[jaynedough]

I saw that after my response. What are you going to do? What do you need from us to help you get through this? Thankfully this isn't something I've had to deal with, which is why IDK what to say other than I'm so sorry that you're hurting so badly.

[SoupDragon]

(((8888an8888)))

I am so sorry you have discovered this and that it has had such a negative impact on you. PLease if you feel that you are unable to keep yourself safe, call a crisis team / Samaritans.

This will all pass and you will gain a new perspective, but as you say, you have poor impulse control, please get some help to keep yourself safe in the meantime.

Soup.

i don't know what to do. i live with my parents. i saw my therapist today so i can't get bad, they'll think it was her fault and they'll stop me seeing her.

i will have to SI. i can't bear this. my parents won't understand, they'll think it's weird i googled her, they know nothing about maternal transference

i honestly don't know what to do, my heart is pounding

[SallyBrown]

Easy, 8's. You are not horrible, and you did not do anything horrible. Try to let that go. Yes, you Googled her. Yes, given that there was information out there that could possibly hurt you this much it was probably a bad idea to Google her. But you did it. It's ok. It's done. And it's not a horrible thing to do by itself. I have Googled. Many of us have Googled. Try to let that part go, because you're hurting enough from what you've found.

I think it would be good if you could contact your T right now. It seems like it would help you to come clean, and to not let this spiral out of control in your head.

I get feeling totally thrown and heartbroken by this. Yeah, sure, it's kinda nuts, but everybody's kinda nuts. Hell, I KNEW my T was married, and I still felt like curling into a ball and dying when I accidentally came upon a picture of his wife on the interwebs. How's that for crazy?

It seems like you will never get past it now, BUT YOU WILL. You will find a way through this. Your T can be a "mother" to you while having children of her own, just like my T can be loving toward me while having a wife.

It sucks, though, and I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know you were heard, in hopes that feeling heard will help you come down a little bit.

Can you call your T?

[SallyBrown]

Ah, your living situation is a tough one. Can you leave the house? Make up something you have to do and just get out? Sometimes just getting out will help me calm down.

I suspect that it might be hard for you to get out or contact your T tonight (although maybe I am wrong - I agree that those would be good things for you right now). Are there any activities that you can do to distract your thoughts, just to break the negative spiral right now?

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

i don't know what to do. i live with my parents. i saw my therapist today so i can't get bad, they'll think it was her fault and they'll stop me seeing her.

i will have to SI. i can't bear this. my parents won't understand, they'll think it's weird i googled her, they know nothing about maternal transference

i honestly don't know what to do, my heart is pounding

It always helps me to go on a walk/run. I really don't know what it does - I'm able to cry/process alone. I always feel better.

Have you and your T ever discussed talking to your parents about transference? I have maternal transference with my T. and SHE told me my husband needed to come in. We have one joint session a month (not that I'm recommending that frequency) and she has explained transference to him and I've tried to express how I feel. I know you probably don't want to talk to your parents about your feelings but it might help for them to know generally what you're going through?

I also understand not wanting to share it with them - I was not close to my mom. Or, do you have a friend you can confide in?

Also, use all these feelings to try to figure out why it bothers you she has children. She's NOT going to change how she interacts with you and I think most T's see their clients as their children. I told my T. "you're not my mom" when I was mad and she said she kind of is and we're only 6 years apart.

And, don't beat yourself up - it's totally normal to have curiosity about your T. I did a fair amount of research myself. Someone once said it's a way for us to get/feel closer to our T. This would be a good opportunity for you to talk to your T. about how her having a family affects you. You could always say you guessed she had kids because she seems motherly? you don't have to mention what you found.

Hang in there and I promise these feelings will lessen and you'll get through them. I hope you can find other ways to cope.

[Fuzzybear]

[unaluna]

I totally get how you feel. Embarrassed, ashamed, heartbroken, needy - just from seeing a picture. A smile. And wishing that smile was for you. But its not. Thats part of whats horrible. Getting caught in the act of wanting. I actually remember the last time i tried to breast feed - it was not well-received! I mean trying as a child, not as the mother. Its kind of the same feeling, only times one thousand, when i google my t.

Possible trigger:

i self harmed. all up my arm.

i can't ever get over this. i can't contact my T, she has no idea i have maternal transference for her, she doesn't even know that I KNOW WHAT TRANSFERENCE IS we have never spoken about transference. i can't speak to her again. i feel like she has abandoned me, by having children. i am not close to my mother. i always dreamed my T was my mother. but she has children.

oh God, i can't deal with this.

Possible trigger:

i think maybe i should kill myself, i can't think straight, i knew i was fragile, i've only just come out of hospital for ****'s sake

i am absolutely devastated, i don't think i should be here

she will always love her children more than me

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

she will always love her children more than me

Okay, a little slightly tough love.

So who is she? Really just some random person.

Who are you really upset about, that they love somebody else more than they love you? And then if you off yourself - they win. Eff that, is my feeling.

hankster i appreciate the tough love but she isn't just a random person to me, she's the first person i ever disclosed my past to, she has saved my life and is the only reason i am still alive, she wouldn't want me to off myself which is precisely why i want to do it now, i am completely heartbroken and i don't see any reason to live. i've literally just come out of hospital and have been trying to rebuild my life and this is the biggest, most agonising blow to me.

What you did was not terrible at all, but perfectly natural. I've googled my first therapist to kingdom come, including Facebook pages of his family, and at times it has caused me considerable pain. I hope you are able to put the guilt feelings aside as I have, because it is a natural part of attachment and desiring closeness. It's scary and confusing to find the information we're looking for.
Try to remember that your T cares for you uniquely. She knows you and you know her in a way that her children are not part of. Although she is not your actual mother you share a relationship that has been healing for you, and in the cold light of day, whatever other relationships she has don't change the special relationship you share. This may take a period of readjustment in the relationship and some processing. The time might be right to discuss the transference with her. I do hope you can contact her before the next session.
Please keep yourself safe tonight, and draw on whatever resources you need (internal or external) to ensure you are safe. You will get through this, and it may strengthen your relationship with T in ways you don't expect.

thank you Echos Myron.

i honestly can't talk about transference with my T, she has NO IDEA about me having transference for her, she doesn't even know it exists in our relationship, i am not a person good at expressing her feelings for others so she really does have no idea. i am far too ashamed to talk about this, i'm heartbroken and i don't ever want to see her again.

i'm ****ing done with her. she can **** off. i don't care anymore. she was wrong. I don't matter. i really ****ing don't.

[JaneC]

Sweetie, I can only imagine how hard this is.

But it is not the time to end your life. It is the perfect time to reach out to yourT and ask her for help. Remember how helpful she has been so far. She will feel so honoured to know you can feel this bad and still reach out to her. She can be your 'good enough mother' in therapy.......if you will let her.

Reach out 8, please. This is not the time to do something you can't come back from. Reach out to someone......now. we care and want you to be safe. I care. Please be safe 8.

thank you jane i am just too blinded to see straight

i'm trying to reason with myself: the only evidence i have of her having children is her husband saying 'we dropped our professional duties and parental responsibilities'

if they have children, they didn't take them on their travels they went on in 2009. this means either their children must be old, e.g. university age, or they are just HIS children and not hers. i don't know i am driving myself crazy

i can't reach out to her, i don't know what to say, i saw her today which means i am supposed to be okay, what do i say??? how do i tell her 'i internet stalked you and found your husband's blog' i just can't bring myself, it is so shameful i am a terrible person

he might not even be her husband anymore because their surnames are different and the last time they talked about being together was in 2012, she uses her maiden name?? i don't know??

Could you take a small step and try to sleep on it rather than making any decisions tonight? There will be a lot more resources available to you in the morning should you need them, and you may be able to get some distance from the intense emotions you are experiencing right now.
The number for the Samaritans is 08457909090 if you need to reach out tonight. Keep safe

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

thank you Echos Myron.

i honestly can't talk about transference with my T, she has NO IDEA about me having transference for her, she doesn't even know it exists in our relationship, i am not a person good at expressing her feelings for others so she really does have no idea. i am far too ashamed to talk about this, i'm heartbroken and i don't ever want to see her again.

i'm ****ing done with her. she can **** off. i don't care anymore. she was wrong. I don't matter. i really ****ing don't.

It doesn't matter if she knows about the transference or not. You can talk about it with her. If she's a T, she's aware that transference in general can happen, so she should understand. And it may feel like the pain is just about your T, but if it's transference, then the pain is rooted in something else (maybe your relationship with your parents?) And your T can help you figure that out.

I say this as someone with both some paternal and some erotic transference for my marriage counselor that I opened up to him about a month ago (which was hard, but I'm glad I did it). He's been awesome in understanding and helping me figure out what feelings and past and current experiences are contributing to it. He has kids (and a wife), and I understand that he loves them. But he has said before that you can love countless numbers of people. So because your T loves her children, doesn't mean she can't love you.

Is it possible to leave your T a message right now? Or an e-mail or text? Don't go into everything on the phone, but you could just say you're going through a rough time right now and want to talk if she can. Or you could probably try a crisis line.