Couch 91 - Forget the small change

Take it back BPA! There's just something freeing about using a hammer...

Therapy kind of upset me today. I'm gonna email T and I am staying on the couch! Maybe I'll break out my hammer and hammer something...

If I had a hammer...

Toast would be nice just about now. Or pasta with cheese and veggies.

I have a bright spot to share. Well, most of the day at work today seemed just the opposite, I was very emotional all morning and every little thing was setting me off, I had to fight back tears several times when ignorant callers yelled at me. But then this afternoon at some point, I realized sort of out of the blue that I was back to normal and hadn't really even noticed when or how it happened. I figured something out, I think; because I have found my center, I now know where it is, and even when the world tries to spin me out of it, there's like a natural homing device or something that draws me right back into it or something. I didn't even run my mouth off and get in trouble at work, which used to happen, because my center pulled me back before I got to that point. Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating!!

Oh the mix of negative feelings I'm feeling. I just have so much going on, I'm stressed out of my mind, feeling defeated. While most people in my res are dressed up in ridiculous outfits filming a residence lip dub, I'm sitting in my room alone feeling the negative array of emotions. I so wish I could be with them, because who doesn't love feeling like a part of something? My whole life I've tried to feel like I fit in and not miss out on things but I'm starting to think it's not in the cards for me- that's I'm just wired differently and it's about time I accept that I'm different. It's not fair that I am and I have to go through twice the amount of struggles than my peers but hey that's life. It's also exhausting pretending that I'm not.

Veronica Mars is my new hero.

Pasta's definitely one of my favorite food groups.

Is veronica mars a tv show or a movie?

My son went out in the backyard to work on pulling weeds, h and i are paying him well to do it, h said you can have friends help I don't care, divide the money up however you decide, so anyway I looked out there to see how he was doing a little bit ago and he's got a GIRL friend helping him! Hmm, the little poop didn't even bring her in to introduce her. I think I recognize her from band, but not sure. He mentioned needing to earn money to go to prom, but he never mentioned taking anybody, I wonder if he asked her? I am nosy mom right now and want to sneak outside and try to hear what they are talking about while they pull weeds. It's getting dark out there so curious minds want to know. He'll get mad but he'll get over it. Right?

Pasta's one of my favorite food groups too. That, and pizza.

...I'd hammer in the morning...

Shes from detroit!

I would use a blowtorch - hammers are too noisy for the morning

I am watching old missions impossible. Right now they are forging money by having one of the team sit inside a big box that is supposed to be a computer, another guy puts blank paper in and the guy in the box puts preprinted money out. I cant believe the bad guy didnt open the machine! This is hilarious!

I feel my last session was incredibly important but I can't quite remember what was said.

On a diff erent note my youtube video has gotten stuck at the same place 3 times in a row.

I've had that happen. Annoying as hell...

I forgot how unco-ordinated puppie were too. When he runs he sort of hops like a rabbit. He is curious about what might be in the castors of my office chair. He feel asleep in my art basket amongst tubes of paints, pastels etc..

Here I am spamming the couch again. I must say I'm not reaally keen on seroquel but it does the job on my depression and with this extra med I don't have all the awful side efects I usually get. Whenever I feel like whingeing about my meds I can hear T in my head saying "it's not an exact science, BPA"

I've been studying everyday for the past week and a half or so and it feels like I've gotten little to no progress done. I love my friend and I feel bad for saying this but I rather not have her come visit me at all because she picked the worst week of the entire school year to come visit me. Not only that but she's staying 9 days!!!!! I'm going through one of the most stressful times of my life and now I have to worry about hosting her and having a bad night's sleep every night since I'm offering her my bed. The day she leaves is the day I start my 4 exams within the span of 3 days. These finals are worth a ton of my mark- one's actually going to be 100% and I HAVE to do well on them. I met this friend at a trip abroad and I haven't seen her for 2 years. She lives all the way in England so this is probably the only time I'm going to see her. I love her and I know it's not her fault since she's traveling the world and this is the only time she can come visit me between all the other trips she's booked but it's come at the most inconvenient time ever. It's not even just about the exams- I have a place that I have to sublet for the summer and the stress of that has been driving me nuts. With everything going on, I haven't even had the time to look for a summer job! I just have WAY too much on my plate right now and a bit of me deep down is mad at her for coming at this time. I have issues dealing with my mood so I really hope I don't lash out on her- I tend to do that to my mom a lot when I'm stressed out. There's just too much suppressed inside that I'm bound to blow up.

Does she HAVE to stay with you? There isn't a backpackers or anything where she can retire for the night and see you during the day or whatevere. Have yo explained the mood thing to her?

All of a sudden I feel WAY too good. Hoping it will pass.

I ****ing hate the nebulous, floaty, tinkerbell talk around therapy.

I will not leave the couch.

I will not leave the couch.

I will not leave the couch.

(Reminding myself)

I remember that episode.

Or as we say in English: I have no idea what I'm doing.