How do you stop wanting what you can't have?

I'm sorry, but you seem to respond to something I never said. I don't disagree with any of this as long as it applies to you, but it doesn't apply to what I was talking about, which was a response to your statement

"[...] you can impact your present and your future. You can make choices about what you do, who you interact with, how you respond to life, tailored very much toward getting exactly what you need and deserve NOW."

Nothing to do with unfairness, then or now. I am talking about things I can't have that have nothing to do with my past, and how I have to get rid of the useless wants. I'd better not respond to the rest of your reply, since it really wasn't directed at me.

I do agree with the bit about accepting one's past. Since I had an abuse free childhood, I have it easier than many other people in that way.

Mast, sorry if I misunderstood something, but this thread is a few weeks old now so that whole train of thought is gone at this point.

The ache for a mother, a normal loving mother was with me for 40 years. I was never kissed, cuddled, listened to, or 'seen' so ignored I wondered if I even really existed.
As a teen I disassociated, I felt unreal.
For 40 years I longed for her, dreamt that she would change and realise how much she loved me. l longed for a warm, supportive caring hug, for her to look after me tell me everything would be alright. I cried most days (secretly) sometimes drank too much to numb it all.
Oh I tried, I tried so hard to make her like me. Ironically the harder I tried the crueller she was and the more she rejected me (while adoring my sister) My heart broke over and over.
So painful to know l was unloved, that even my own mother didn't care. l felt so lonely.

The basics were provided, albeit begrugingly. I wasnt beaten. l was clothed and fed.

But, emotionally it was a desert. And l became a silent, withdrawn and sad little thing.

Then one day I knew, it HAD to stop. This painful ache, the yearning for a mum. It was time. Time to let go of mother.
But how?

Now this will sound harsh I suppose, but I had no choice.

l decided to have a funeral, a last goodbye. My mother was dead (to me) I imagined her funeral.
How I cried. Solid for a month. I grieved for the mother I'd never had.
Then no more tears were left. And I felt free of her pull for the first time. It was a relief.
I will always be sad I never had a mother, but I never ached for her again.

I think my recovery was helped by research, you see I'd thought it was MY fault mother never loved me, I thought I'd been a useless embarrassment of a person I suffered with shame, toxic shame.
However, I discovered mother ticked the boxes for NPD (narcissistic personality disorder)
And I realised for the first time. It wasn't me! I was not faulty and I never had been. She was the crazy nutjob not me.

Mother actually died when she was 94. I shed no tears.

I've had a lot of mother-figures/mentors/attachments. They can be very healing. But you have to grow from those relationships. You can't just take the caring and loving for granted. In the end, we're supposed to love ourselves the same as we want others to love us. I'm not there yet. But I do make sure I only have one, maybe 2 at most, attachments at a time. Otherwise, I won't have to work at loving myself. That's why boundaries with Ts are so important. And the hole that your mom left: it will grow smaller, but it will never close or be filled. If so, then your mom never existed. For it to become smaller, you have to build yourself and your life up. The more you grow, the smaller the hole seems.

Maybe because you are ready to grieve your mom, you are feeling the growing pains. You want more comfort right now. Whether you get that comfort or not, you do have support and you're not alone. And this is why you're in therapy, is it not? It's scary, but you're making progress and doing well. I'm proud of you!

I have not read all the responses here yet but will be... but Brown Owl, what you say is exactly what I've heard too. That therapy is there to help you experience what you haven't, to change your mindset and help you not have that desire so much down the road. Unfortunately, I found out my T does not see things that way. She used to hold me when I cried, then abruptly decided to take it away. One of the things she told me is that I missed out on that opportunity to get that kind of care as a child, and I need to mourn that, and fulfill my needs as an adult. I don't agree with her. So I'm actually reading up on therapy tactics. I found it incredibly healing. It did not make me stop feeling the emotions, I continued to cry, it just helped me feel safe and accepted in doing so. She never gave me the chance to voice my views before taking it away......I know I'm not a T, but at the same time, before taking this away, I would think it's important to find out just how I perceived that care. She ever asked me that. It has been over a month, and it still hurts very much.

SM, I think you have an awesome T... there's a reason she's keeping some boundaries up, and I think you will know why soon enough. I think she wants you to feel the feelings, because I think your T feels actions speak louder than words. I also think though, the anniversary of your mom's death is coming up, and this is why you are talking so much more about it lately, and you will need some extra support. I do hope your T recognizes that. If not, you have us!

Of course, the topic of your thread hit home to me. I want something I can no longer have... but I think if she were to up and change her mind during an upsetting session, and provide it, I dont' feel that I would be receptive to it at this time.

Powerful. Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to mention this fake funeral idea to my therapist, for a family member who rejects me continuously.

The day after my session I kept thinking to myself "how do I get over wanting what I can't have". I realized I had posted about it a few months ago. It was so reassuring to read these posts again and I wrote some notes to share with my T. Thought it might help other people too.....

I wish my T believed this. I think it makes a lot of sense. It's funny, she wants me to embrace my "inner child," but yet has told me "her" needs can't be met, they just need to be recognized and accepted for what they are. I evicted my inner child a looooong time ago.

I have had a problem with wanting what I can not have. I want my T to be my mother and to love and care for me the way I never was growing up. After talking to T about it I felt so much better. I understand my T can not and should not fill those voids for me but I can get some of my needs met. She really cares for me, says she has love for me, hugs me at the end of sessions (this is an important part of my healing), and is always there for me. That IS enough. Will she ever be my mom? No. I am accepting that. Maybe its better for her to be my T than my mom. I love the relationship I have with my T so I no longer want something she can not be to me.
In my head, my mother died when I was little. This has helped me grieve for her loss and move on with my life. If I have to see or speak to her, she is my aunt in my head. Nothing more. I don't call her mom or mother anymore either. I have been calling her by her name for years. This might all seem hash but It has really helped me.