How do you stop wanting what you can't have?

My mom was there for me physically as a child but not emotionally. My T. and I have a great relationship but she's tough and the trust isn't complete. Last night in my session I told her when I'm struggling between sessions, I think back to a few sessions where she said she cares about me, won't abandon me, won't let me push her away, etc. I said I feel like a kid but I kind of wanted to hear that again. She asked if I believe what people say more than how they act. I said no, I guess actions do speak louder than words. She said I need to pay attention to her actions just as much as her words.

What I want from her is what I never got from my mom. I want her to tell me all the time that she cares about me, won't leave me, etc. I want her to tell me she's there for me anytime and I'm not alone. I can feel I'm getting ready to grieve for my mom and I feel very alone in the process. Deep down and intellectually, I know these are things she can't give me. She can't be my mom or give me what my mom didn't. Instead, she's supposed to help me come to terms with it, grieve it and be okay without it.

But, how do I stop wanting it? I used to tell myself that I don't need it and suppress it. That process isn't healthy and isn't really working anymore.

I don't know - I thought there was a theory that if in therapy you are given the caring that you didn't experience as a child that it will change your neurology and will be helpful. You say you are wanting something you can't have - but maybe you can have it, she has said the words and says her actions speak it too, you see it in her gaze too. Does she feel somehow that speaking it over and over is not going to be helpful, even though she does feel it?

I don't understand why she can't say it. If she says it with actions then why can't she say it with her words too? Makes no sense to me. If therapy is all about talking and feeling and saying what you need, why can't she too? Why must you guess?
Sorry, maybe is is my stuff too.

My mother is very self-centered and judgmental. I have an older woman who has a daughter my age (who I'm friends with) and she has cared for me. She can't *be* my mom, but she cares for me, at times, in a way that is so gentle and thoughtful. It's not a perfect fit, and at the same time it has been healing.

My T told me that it's okay to get that from other people. I know you want it from your T, but would it be worth exploring to see if there are older women who can be mentors in a sense and give to you that affection and attention you need and want?

I've been struggling with the same question all my years in therapy. It's hard! For me, it's only with my current T that I've stopped asking so much. My T does give me what I can't have, so I have it now, to some extent. What she gives me IS enough. Her allowing touch, giving me love, being a real person to me, is healing. I don't know if it's her warmth, or her modalities, especially SE, or a combination. Also my finally being able to talk more directly about my needs and what I wish I had.

All my other Ts told me you can't make up what you missed. That's true, but you CAN stop craving it. I know SE isn't the only way. I think it's more about accepting what your T does give you, and keep talking about what you missed and what you want even if you can't get it. It's like I have to get that out of my system by telling my T I want love, and how important she is to me. and having her validate that without crossing boundaries. It's a process. Hang in there!

This sounds like good advice. People can say anything (and do), and it's easy to dismiss what they say even when they mean it. I didn't have much of a mother, but I'm guessing that those who did were validated and loved with actions more than words. I think your therapist is encouraging you to tune into signals that are more lasting than words. It's much more empowering than relying on verbal assurances that dissipate as soon as that person isn't in the room.

I agree, Licketysplit. There were two conversations that have the same theme. One was the fact that I leave thinking she's frustrated. I asked if she could tell me that no matter how frustrated she may get, it won't change our relationship. Then, I told her how much it meant to me that she cares and I felt like a child but wanted her to tell me again.

In both instances, she said I need to experience it. In reference to the frustration, she said that if she says she won't be frustrated, that I probably won't believe it. I will have to experience it to know that it won't change things. And, she's right. If she said I promise I won't, I would probably keep asking "are you sure".

I guess the same applies to the caring. She doesn't want me to get dependent on asking her to say it. She wants me to realize and feel it through our interactions. Brown Owl, I think you're right. I see it in our interactions, her eye contact and she hugs me at the end of sessions.

I just had a realization. I told her one time that I knew my mom loved me but she never acted like it. She wasn't affectionate, didn't listen, wasn't there for me, etc. So, I probably don't need it verbally as much as through actions. It was the actions I missed from my mom so maybe my T. knows this and that's why she's focused on my realizing it through HER actions. Just like she said - My mom SAID she loved me but I never felt it. Epiphany!

My husband has struggled with this in relation to me, not his therapist. He gets very focused on hearing the words and forgets to look at the actions. This really became a problem because he kept begging for words and criticizing when they didn't come, analyzing words or lack of them to the complete exclusion to all other evidence. I would get spammed with accusatory texts and emails that were unfounded and hurtful. It wasn't that I didn't say the words; I did, but apparently he had selective hearing--only heard it when it was on his radar, so if I said it when it wasn't on his radar, it was as if the words were never even said.

Through therapy and through me setting very clear boundaries that those kind of unfounded accusations, that kind of begging and pleading was hurtful to me, that it rang like accusations that I didn't love him at all, that nothing I actually DID mattered, that all that mattered to him was words, eventually got him to see that he was going to have to stop and be more mindful of ALL of the evidence before he acted.

He's gotten SO much better about stopping and really taking the time to be truly mindful of ALL of the evidence, to take the time to breathe and think and reflect before going into that spiral of "If she doesn't say the words, then she must not love me. I MUST have the proof." He takes the time and realizes the proof is right in front of him. He has learned to ask for that kind of validation respectfully and appropriately, and his anxiety about the words has greatly decreased in becoming aware of the entire body of evidence.

I suspect when therapists encounter this issue with clients, they work to help them see that they don't necessarily have to live without those words, but they can grow to see actions and evidence and reach some peace with that--to see a balance. Clients can learn that perhaps what they want (caring and attention) is already there, but they are looking for it in the wrong places and looking for the wrong kind of evidence to the exclusion of what evidence is right in front of them if they can learn to actually see it.

This might not pertain to you at all but I struggle with something very similar.

My T believes that when I attach to someone, I am looking to fill some void that I'm not able to (or don't know how to) fill myself. Something triggers me so that I somehow feel inadequate and feel like I need someone else to validate me (tell me they care, that I'm important, that I'm not alone, etc.).

So I guess to answer your question, I think that the way to stop wanting what we can't have is to get it from somewhere else. We don't have control over other people but we do have control over ourselves so if we are able to help give ourselves those things we want (someone caring about us or being there for us), then we don't necessarily crave that so much from other people.

I've spent many hours with my T talking about self-compassion and I'm not fully convinced it can completely solve this problem but it can definitely help. Being able to love ourselves, care for ourselves, and validate ourselves can help alleviate the feeling that we need that from someone else.

I liked the way laxer12 framed this.

Being able to take in what your therapist offers helps. It sounds like deep, repressed needs emerged after you started therapy, which is common for those of us who had a lot of unmet needs from childhood. Psychological defenses that block us from feeling those needs can also block us from fully feeling love and joy. And working through these issues with your therapist will allow you to be more fully present in relationships in terms of intimacy/sharing. So I do agree getting some of them met from a partner is one part of it. Self-love, I think, will help reduce the intensity of needs over time. It takes time...

I do think that 'void' becomes smaller and smaller, although I personally do not think this ever goes away in entirety after the long disavowed childhood needs re-emerge.

Although I have intense, painful longings for both physical contact and nurturing from my therapist, het does provide some of these unmet needs from childhood--being present for me, listening, empathy, investing in my well-being. The eye contact and gazes. Someone who believes in me....

Keep taking in what you can. One day, it will get better.

I think it's ok to want, even if you can't have it. Just like it is ok to have thoughts, without acting on those thoughts. And, little by little, the rawness of the rejection will go away. It takes time.

Your post made me sad. I am also struggling with coming to terms with what my mom has not been able to give me. Without knowing it I turn people into mother figures and get angry when they too don't give me love and care I desperately want and need. Then I look back at it and get mad at myself for being so stupid.

Sometimes it feels like the grieving process will never end. But it does, I've heard people do it, even with horrible childhood. Must be possible. Not to not have any pain but to not experience so much suffering. Hang in there.

I have been asking myself this question, too, in connection with other things I want and can't have. I wish I had an answer. (T is not much help because he refuses to meet me halfway and acknowledge that these are things I genuinely will never have. How am I supposed to stop wanting them if T keeps describing them as attainable? )

My feeling is that with the talking, wanting the t to say certain things, or like lolagraces h parsing her words, it is easier to get caught in old transference traps and want or expect the other person to act out the role of the original object. So you are not having a real relationship with the t, but trying to force them into playing a role - it is their job to resist that, and to force you into the present, and into better ways of coping and getting what you really need. I didnt realize this before this thread!

Sometimes there are other ways of getting some of what one wants. For example one cannot ever have the exact mother they may have needed or deserved, but one can get nurturing from more than one source.

Someone much wiser than me once said you can't create a new history, but you can impact your present and your future. You can make choices about what you do, who you interact with, how you respond to life, tailored very much toward getting exactly what you need and deserve NOW.

I think where most of us with transference issues get stuck is falling into the trap of feeling like our therapists are the only source of empathy, good listening, nurturing, guidance and so on. Big problem: therapists charge us money and boundary us to 50 min a week, which is normal for therapy but not typical relationships. I don't think wanting the positive things our therapists offer us is wrong or needs to be shut off. We do need to get out there and make genuine healthy relationships where we CAN get those needs met, and we're not charged money and ushered out the door after our paid time is up.

Getting involved in the community such as volunteering at a library or seniors center is a nice outlet. There are many empty nesters or retirees that would enjoy being a mentor to a younger person. Ditto with taking up a hobby like knitting, or woodworking. There are plenty of experienced crafts people looking to take newbies under their wing and teach.

Fortunately, that is not a general truth that applies to all of us. (Nothing is, in life.)

Not that I'm there or anything but I think part of the work is just accepting your wanting. What would it be like to accept that you wish for something and not feel ashamed or angry but just gentle and accepting toward the part of you that wants more? (I personally have no fukking clue but my therapist urges me to think about it, so I do.)

I suspect that, as others have said, some of those wants can be fulfilled even if not in the exact way that you crave at the moment. Paradoxically, I think one might have to accept those wants and mourn that they were not fulfilled early enough by the right people (and therefore can never be fulfilled in the specific ways you've always needed) precisely in order to fulfill them later.

So in order to accept the love, attention and care of a therapist or another person in your life, you have to start to accept that they cannot give the actual parental care that you missed. I think about Lola Grace's husband demanding constant assurance from her and it's heartbreaking because obviously it's not an okay way to treat your spouse (and good for you LG for working through it with him) but it's totally the way toddlers treat their parents.

Toddlers who aren't shamed for wanting their parents will demand care and reassurance and affection at every hour of the day and night whenever it strikes their fancy. There seems to be no end to the amount of Goodnight Moon, soothing, holding, playing, singing and rocking that they will demand. Then suddenly, they've gotten their fill and they tolerate and even initiate separation, they crave independence, and while they still need lots of love and care (and occasionally need constant reassurance again during a rocky period), they've clearly internalized that love and they go about their business confident and secure that their needs are met.

It has been so illuminating and healing to watch this with my own kids. I feel pleased to be able to give them a secure attachment and that's worth the effort and expense of therapy in itself. But the lightbulb that keeps going off in my head is "oh, my kids aren't necessarily extra high-needs compared to me, it's just that they're allowed to have their needs and I wasnt."

Seeing that the needs are pretty universal is a step toward feeling a little better about having them. But like I said, for me it's not a one-off lightbulb and now I get it and it's fine. It's a continuous process of admitting to the shame, trying to accept the existence of the needs, trying to grieve the ways they didn't get met and then allowing myself to accept the different kinds of care and support that are currently available to me. And it's exceedingly painful and unfamiliar and hard to trust so it goes very slowly. I honestly sometimes think the pain of it will break me. I find the intensity of it so bewildering that I just feel at a complete loss.

I guess I will just have to talk and talk about this with my T. I think I once heard or read that if you talk about it enough, you will feel heard which will help the desire diminish. It's just a very hard process.

I spent most of last year grieving for what I never got and never will get. It was some of the most painful cries I have ever had. The last few weeks I felt I was getting better and transference was less. I think as I approach difficult subjects (grieving for my mom), the transference is stronger which triggers the unmet needs of childhood.

Intellectually I know what is possible and impossible, emotionally and in my heart I'm still just a kid.

Of course, nothing applies to everyone in all cases, that's for sure, but it does seem to apply in a great many cases, more than we realize.

We certainly can't create a new past, and working in therapy and on our lives so that we can get past our pasts (or at least put the past in its proper place instead of it ruling our present) is, for many of us, exactly what we are working on in therapy. Hard work though and can take years to get to that point. It certainly isn't a automatic change; it certainly isn't an easy change. That work takes time; often a very long time.

Understanding that I do have control over how I decide to react/respond to events in my present has been difficult to learn and harder to actually do with any sort of consistency. But I find reassurance and strength in knowing I do have control of that aspect of my being. I can't control my husband's illness. I can't control the stresses at my job or at home. I can't control much outside myself, but I DO have that. I do have control over my decision making, my activities, my attitude, and (most challenging) my reactions.

I do not disagree with any of this. But it is not necessarily connected to getting what one wants, when that is something one cannot have. The big challenge is still how to remove such wants - maybe that is part of the control you have achieved.

I think it isn't so much about removing your wants, but accepting that they may have to be fulfilled in different ways. Hypothetically, I may have wanted my father to have greater pride in my achievements, but I may also have to accept that I can't get that from him. However, I can have pride in myself. I can accept praise from others who recognize my achievements. I can involve myself in activities and relationships that will put me in the position to get that recognition. Or . . . I can stay stuck trying to get what is impossible to get from a history that isn't going to change.

Acceptance of what we can't have is a tough thing to achieve, and I think we fight it because of how unfair life was to us then. If we accept it, then it feels like we are forgetting it or condoning it, but really it is about finally letting go of what we can't change and deciding to work on what we really have any power to effect. Tall order to get there though. It took me years and years.

I find that I would love to have the love/connection/mothering from an older woman. I have had women offer to be my mom (literally), but my wall goes up. I so desperately want it but I also can't accept it. I think it's the fear that if I'm vulnerable, they will leave me or hurt me. So, while I DO have access to it, it's not easy for me to accept it. Another thing we are working on in therapy.

I'm totally late to this thread but I wanted to contribute.

My therapist said to me last year that she hoped that I find people in my life to give me the caring and listening that I need.

I instantly tensed up and tried to bat away what she was saying. "That's not, that's not, no, that's not my lot in life, I accept that, where would I even find that? No, no, that's not what I get to have and that's ok."

"For now, I see myself as playing that role," the therapist said.

I felt ashamed for even wanting that but I was gratified that she said that, even if I couldn't admit so out loud.

FavoriteJean's post about toddlers reminds me of my own kids and it helps me to understand how normal it is to want caring.

In the past year, I've found more people in my life who care about me and I've been able to take it in. I have amazing friends and they are my "second chance family." One friend can't be a mother, but several close friends and a life partner soul mate can add up to a full and meaningful life of connections.

Two weeks ago, an older woman who has come into my life recently called me, "sweetie." I melted. I can't imagine someone calling me such a kind name! And others take this for granted from their parents?

I already feel better about myself. I am a sweetie, or at least, I can be to some people at some times.

First I had to admit that I have needs. (I hate that word, makes me cringe!) And then I had to learn to feel deserving enough to take it in.

What a journey this therapy is. What a journey it is to grow up! ...Always harder when we have to grow ourselves up.