[ThisWayOut]

various posts, blogs, and my own stuff with T in the moment kinda sparked this thought: is there something between desperately clinging to therapy and going every session vs. cancelling all the time and no-showing?

I've had more than one T mention to me that I am unusual in my habit of showing up all the time, no matter what. I'm almost always on time (or early. or I call if I'm more than 5 minutes late).

I think it's partly because I keep hoping therapy will make things better, and partly because I was never given a choice to avoid stuff when I was a kid. It didn't matter if it meant I was going to get in huge trouble for something I had done (or not done. or something someone else did or didn't do. or because he just felt like exherting his power), I still had to be where I was summoned (or told I needed to go). There was never a "good enough" reason not to be somewhere I was supposed to be... T kinda feels the same in a way. I've made the commitment to go, so I just have to keep physically going no matter what...

I realized yesterday though, that instead of cancelling or no-showing when things get difficult, I push to go more, but I also dissociate more...

Is there a middle-ground? What's a "healthy" way to respond to the therapy experience? What's a healthy way to resond to overwhelming situations like this? I'm normally good at seeing the "gray" in a lot of situations (even if I don't act on any middle-ground), but this one has me stumped at the moment...

I guess I'm asking because I'm internally warring with this push and pull. Part of me wants to cling desperately to T right now, but another part wants to put up walls and ditance myself.

I will probably bring this up with T next time I see her (if I remember), but I also want to wrap my head around it a bit more...

Sorry if it's not making much sense at the moment. My head feels very scattered and all-over-the-place.

I always turn up, even when I wish I could cancel.
T says a lot of people are unable or unwilling to 'hold' onto the therapeutic relationship. I'm not.
She says to keep going even when you'd rather not, takes courage.
I cling to that and gave given up worrying why I hold onto therapy.

[SoupDragon]

I have tried the "I'm not coming because I need space" thing, but boundaries got redefined so it's no longer an option for me. My T tells me it is important to come to every session and I trust that T is right. I too experience dissociation but T helps me to come out of it.

So for me there is no greyness.

I always go unless I'm ill or some other emergency comes up. For me, it is a commitment to getting better. Cancelling, if to avoid talking or difficult subject matter, would simply slow the process and it is slow enough as it is.

I do have times when I space out my sessions because I'm just in a place where I feel I can do so, but that isn't a last-minute decision; I make those decisions at the time I make my appointments. That would be my in-between space I guess. But I never had hard-set weekly appointments; my sessions varied on day and time depending on my (and my family's schedule), so my appointments varied in space between anyway which I kind of liked because I think it helped me be less obsessive about having to be in therapy every week on such and such day at such and such time.

[NowhereUSA]

I go unless I'm sick.

Lately I've debated terminating because I have lots of feels but I don't do the back and forth. If I've committed myself to go, then I'm going to go because I'm doing this for me. If I don't want to see him, then I might as well terminate because there's nothing to be gained by being a no-show.

i always go, i don't think i've ever cancelled.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I have tried the "I'm not coming because I need space" thing, but boundaries got redefined so it's no longer an option for me. My T tells me it is important to come to every session and I trust that T is right. I too experience dissociation but T helps me to come out of it.

So for me there is no greyness.

Soup, can you elaborate? You tried to get some space, and T changed boundaries because of that? How so? I wish, too, I could quit dissociating. T used to help me come out of it, or keep from going there to begin with, but she used touch to do so. I have not dissociated since she redefined boundaries herself, I am trying VERY hard to stay "there" and not drift off... so far, I've succeeded. But it's only a matter of time. I don't know how she'll handle that anymore.

As far as the original post, I, too, am one who takes therapy very seriously, and go to my sessions, no matter how hard, and I'm 99.9% of the time, early. I've been seeing T for a year next month, and have only canceled one session. (and I go twice a week) Although I would have liked to have skipped several times, but used all the inner strength I could muster to go. And I'm proud of myself for that. For "facing the monsters" when I really didn't want to. I have taken therapy very seriously. I'm struggling to now because of an unresolved rupture, but until this rupture, I was VERY serious. My life revolved around my therapy schedule, therapy came first. I don't feel quite as committed right now, but I continue to go.

My T has never mentioned other clients... so I guess I don't know if my habit of being early and not canceling is common or not. Interesting yours shed some light on that.

[Chummy]

I go to every session and I'm always on time. I might have missed 3 sessions with my current T? But that was in the beginning and that was because of anxiety.
I thought that going to every session and not canceling is common. I don't know how that is with her other clients. There are times I would rather not go to therapy, but I still go. I would only cancel if I would be sick.

[stopdog]

I find breaks very useful and would not be able to keep hiring a therapist who had a problem with me doing what was best for me. I always give enough notice

[SoupDragon]

[QUOTE=musinglizzy;4386766]Soup, can you elaborate? You tried to get some space, and T changed boundaries because of that? How so? QUOTE]

The notice period for not attending sessions changed from a couple of days to having to say in session the previous week if I couldn't attend and also a commitment to give a longer notice period if I wanted to quit.

In defence of my T, I had become a pain in the backside because of my trying to run and be on my own to process stuff (it happened a lot!) and my T had been patient. It wasn't a case of just saying I wanted a break to think things over, but it was about not wanting to face things and feeling overwhelmed. But I acknowledged that I either engaged fully and talked about these things with T or stopped going.

[PinkFlamingo99]

In 5 yrs I missed one appointment. But now, in retrospect, I think I clung way too much. It's okay to need to take a step back I think.

[musinglizzy]

[QUOTE=SoupDragon;4386912]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Soup, can you elaborate? You tried to get some space, and T changed boundaries because of that? How so? QUOTE]

The notice period for not attending sessions changed from a couple of days to having to say in session the previous week if I couldn't attend and also a commitment to give a longer notice period if I wanted to quit.

In defence of my T, I had become a pain in the backside because of my trying to run and be on my own to process stuff (it happened a lot!) and my T had been patient. It wasn't a case of just saying I wanted a break to think things over, but it was about not wanting to face things and feeling overwhelmed. But I acknowledged that I either engaged fully and talked about these things with T or stopped going.

Wow! I only have to give 24 hours notice. I'm sure your T tailored these rules for you because T cared about you enough to try to urge you to keep with it. I don't see it as a negative thing at all! I guess I never considered the "giving notice" to quit part....hmmmm....do people do that? I'm still on the fence as far as staying or going, but I don't know that I'd want to participate in termination sessions...I'd just want to "be done." Hmmm.... although I did promise her quite awhile back that if I was thinking seriously about quitting I would discuss it with her first. Hope I can keep that promise, but kinda doubt it based on things that occurred since that promise.

[SoupDragon]

Yes musinglizzy, I think it was because T cared, T told me that I am the only client that has these rules. When the end comes, I would prefer to just leave, but from what I have read, it is important to finish properly and at the moment it is my intention to do so, although I am sure it will be hard to go through termination sessions. I have heard that the recommendation is 1 month per year of therapy to close things.

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

various posts, blogs, and my own stuff with T in the moment kinda sparked this thought: is there something between desperately clinging to therapy and going every session vs. cancelling all the time and no-showing?

I've had more than one T mention to me that I am unusual in my habit of showing up all the time, no matter what. I'm almost always on time (or early. or I call if I'm more than 5 minutes late).

I think it's partly because I keep hoping therapy will make things better, and partly because I was never given a choice to avoid stuff when I was a kid. It didn't matter if it meant I was going to get in huge trouble for something I had done (or not done. or something someone else did or didn't do. or because he just felt like exherting his power), I still had to be where I was summoned (or told I needed to go). There was never a "good enough" reason not to be somewhere I was supposed to be... T kinda feels the same in a way. I've made the commitment to go, so I just have to keep physically going no matter what...

I realized yesterday though, that instead of cancelling or no-showing when things get difficult, I push to go more, but I also dissociate more...

Is there a middle-ground? What's a "healthy" way to respond to the therapy experience? What's a healthy way to resond to overwhelming situations like this? I'm normally good at seeing the "gray" in a lot of situations (even if I don't act on any middle-ground), but this one has me stumped at the moment...

I guess I'm asking because I'm internally warring with this push and pull. Part of me wants to cling desperately to T right now, but another part wants to put up walls and ditance myself.

I will probably bring this up with T next time I see her (if I remember), but I also want to wrap my head around it a bit more...

Sorry if it's not making much sense at the moment. My head feels very scattered and all-over-the-place.

It sounds like you push yourself really hard, keep going even when it is really tough? I did this too with my ex-T and what I wanted to do was to change the way we worked so it wasn't so tough, take things more gently and slowly - would this be a middle ground? If you kept going each week but it was somehow easier? I don't know if such a thing is possible.

[ThisWayOut]

I don't think I could do termination for longer than a month, but I would definitely at least want one session to say goodbye and such. goodbye's are really important to me though. I've had too many times in my life when I didn't get to say goodbye to a significant relationship...

I do cling a ton though... :/

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

It sounds like you push yourself really hard, keep going even when it is really tough? I did this too with my ex-T and what I wanted to do was to change the way we worked so it wasn't so tough, take things more gently and slowly - would this be a middle ground? If you kept going each week but it was somehow easier? I don't know if such a thing is possible.

I have to move across the country again soon, so taking things too slow isn't really an option. I was hoping powering through things would be the change in the pattern, but various things slowed the pace (mostly my fear and distraction-making)... :/

I really need a stable therapist. The longest I've seen one for individual was 2.5 years... everyone else was a few months to a year because they were interns or the program was time-limited. I think that also plays a role in my desperate need to keep going back. I hope each time that I will get further and just a bit more relief this time around. I just end up opening up more dusty boxes in the back of my head though. I didn;t realize how many boxes were back there... I'm so tired of all of this work with very little to show for it

[iheartjacques]

I go unless I'm sick or he's away. A few times I've wanted to cancel. Once I walked out. But he must be really good because on those sorts of days, I come out feeling heard and safe. Other Ts I've done the fade away or whatever. Last good T, I turned up each time.
I think the fortnightly space gives me time to process things and by next time I'm ready for something else.

[SkyscraperMeow]

In spite of my foamy rantyness at the moment, I will say I've never missed a session, or cancelled one. I'm frustrated, and I have a lot of doubts and I'm worried that its's a complete waste of time, but at the same time I am also aware that you have to at least give it a chance to work.

I don't know how I would think about this if I had been in therapy for years instead of a handful of months though.

Also, I do express my doubts to my therapist and my therapist has never said that I should come if it's doing more harm than good. In fact, my therapist said it was a good idea to have a short break and see how I feel.

I would probably react very poorly to one that said I had to come though. That would probably be the beginning of the end.