codes of ethics re: termination

Yup. Anything that leaves you MORE damaged is a serious problem.

Another thing that was so hurtful to me is that I called him about 4 months after the end and told him I WOULD do the thing he wanted me to do and he never called me back. I called and left the message twice. (I posted about it here on a private forum so I have proof that I did it.) So I think it was really about something else. I just don't know what. I guess I'll never know. I have to somehow be okay with that, to get over it, to move on and I am working on that on my own, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting when I think about it. It doesn't mean the pain is gone and it doesn't mean there isn't still anger. I'm not wallowing in it like some people suggest. I'm processing it myself and trying to get past it and that takes time, just like getting past child abuse takes time or getting through anything takes time. It would be nice if certain people were more compassionate about it and not so cold, but that is their issue and not mine. It's some problem within them and it's not about me.

Does the therapist have the greater responsibility though because unlike a romantic relationship the therapy relationship is not an equal one? The therapist always has more power than the client. Always.

I never have thought of power as a dynamic in my therapy--not in the sense of a power differential. My therapists and I have always worked in partnership. They had their responsibilities, and I had mine. It may not be 50/50 on each responsibility: they have their job responsibilities and I have mine; but, I always have felt I had the same amount of responsibility in making my therapy work for me. I don't see it as the therapist having more responsibility for the success of my therapy. I'm not one to give my power away, but that requires I advocate for myself, communicate my needs, take responsibility for using what skills I possess, keep therapy in perspective in relation to my everyday life, and do the work that is my therapy.

The therapist has other responsibilities--amongst them would be bringing therapy to a close--and bringing therapy to a close if necessary should be done, if possible, as smoothly as it can. I don't know that that is even possible for some situations and clients under certain circumstances though.

That's my take on in. I realize others view it differently.

I don't think a client should give their power away. I think it often becomes unequal because of the set up and mystery around therapy which is perpetuated by therapists and how it works and how reluctant therapists are to explain or let clients know about it. I believe a good number of therapists greatly enjoy the power that clients give them and some misuse it.

I can see that. I've never found therapy all that mysterious I guess. My therapist have always been pretty open about what they were trying to help me with, have worked with me to figure out what I need and how to get there, etc. But it is clear that some therapists are less able to articulate that kind of information than others.

Puzzle Bug you really have captured my experience entirely in your words. It has brought me to tears because you are so "dead on." My T unethically terminated and abandoned me. I've been dealing with it for 13 months now. The pain doesn't get any easier. I had no idea of the power my T held over me, as she acted like my friend. Yes a friend that I had to pay to listen to me speak. She was too close to me and decided to terminate me because I didn't listen to her advice about a purchase. How stupid! I was upset because she wouldn't answer text messages that I sent to her. I then emailed her and told her I needed space and would be cancelling our next weeks appointment. She turned around and the following day sent me a termination letter and specifically said that she has been supporting me for four years but could not continue to support me on decisions that were self destructive. She listed a referral to another one of my family member's Ts. She knows that was not realistic. I begged her for closure. I sent kind emails telling her how much she had hurt me and I deserved closure after four years of therapy. I sent exact quotes out of her ethical code telling her that she couldn't just terminate me the way that she did. Her response was to give me a thirty minute session but I needed to allow one of her colleagues to sit in on the session. It was terrible. I couldn't stop crying and I asked her if the real reason she quit on me was because of the purchase. She admitted it was. I was so broken and even told her during the session she deemed a closing session that I felt like the twelve year old child whose father committed suicide and abandoned her. She expressed that she understood that I felt that way. She never over me additional sessions or help with the intense sense of abandonment. I was suicidal. She never asked how I felt and let me walk away. You are so right that people do not understand the intensity of the therapeutic relationship. They think it's not a big deal and you should just get over it. I can't get over it. I will never fully trust another person as long as I live. I never want to feel the pain and damage that this person who has been educated and trained to help those needing help caused me.

The therapist DOES have more power. It's just basic psychology. Maybe "power" isn't the right word, but I can't think of a better way to put it. The client trusts (and I use the word lightly) the therapist to have the knowledge to help him/her with their issues or whatever they came to therapy for and generally the client discloses very sensitive information and trusts the therapist with it. The therapist doesn't depend on the client for help or disclose much information. I'm not saying the client doesn't have responsibilities too, but the therapist has a much greater responsibility and much more power to do good or harm than the client. It's common knowledge in therapy. I would think most people would know that.

And many people who go into therapy don't feel or realize they have much power anyway. They're fragile, vulnerable and should be treated with respect and care because they need help, not abuse and not more damage. They're depending on the therapist to help them and not harm them. Maybe some people go into therapy knowing how to get well, but I wonder why they're in therapy in the first place. I don't know.

I have not given my power over to the therapist. I don't consider telling them things about my past to be giving them power. If I thought one of them was trying to dominate me - I would leave. I have boundaries and I don't let the therapist cross them. I am not less than a therapist. I have not found one I thought was smarter than I am. They are not better at life than I am. I pay them - they sit there. I can leave at any time. They do not know me better than I know myself. They do not know what is best for me. I don't think they know how to help me without explaining it to me first.I would not allow one to tell me what they thought best and certainly not allow one to try to inflict it upon me.

This is the smart way to deal with them. This is how I view things now. I love this advice. I think we would all do well to take it. I wish everyone could be like you. Therapists would lose that god complex they seem to develop and people wouldn't end screwed over by them.

So true! I never realized how highly I though of my T until it was over. She told me time and time again that she would always be there. I never gave it another thought. Terminating me and insisting on no further contact really f...ed me up! This was the person that I trusted with my life and my rock. I felt safe and protected and to have that little respect for what I gave her hurts worse than any physical pain I've ever endured in my life!

Burned123,
Wow. I FEEL your feelings. You said some things that I've felt, but not really been able to come up with words for. My heart goes out to you. I have not terminated, but been hurt enough that I feel pretty f-ed up myself. Puzzle_bug, I know you helped me with some replies, so you probably remember (my T abruptly taking away healing touch in therapy). Somehow, I've managed to continue going to my twice-weekly sessions. But I'm still hurting pretty bad, knowing what she's capable of but took away. Relationships in my life have been affected by my pain from this....took me a little bit to realize it, but I have now. And your use of the word power....that's exactly it. Some of us don't have the internal resources to realize we have power over anything, which brings us to therapy. My T had the power to take something very therapeutic away from me without even considering what I had to say about it. Without even TELLING me. She let me find out for myself, which hurt as bad as the deed itself. They do have power over those of us who are vulnerable. I know I feel powerless. But I'm not one to need to feel powerful. I've never felt powerful or in control. I'm not a power hungry control freak by any means, but I don't know if some Ts really realize just how naked/vulnerable/powerless some of us feel in that room. Like my T has told me before, the things I do/say in there go against the grain. It goes against everything I've ever known. And it's scary to do something against what your mind tells you to do (as a coping mechanism), and we have to have the utmost trust in our Ts to make it work. Trust is an issue for me right now, and these threads on termination scare me...because...well, speaking my mind has never done me any good in life, and every time I say something, I'm afraid the punishment will follow. I'm very broken right now. And I think until I can get that trust and connection back, I will be. I hope I'm strong enough to get them back. I need them.

Thats how I used to feel too. In the past therapy was not a big deal, I didnt feel particularly disempowered and would just leave if it wasn't helping.

But then I started with a T who was attuned to me like no other. And if you have a history of early childhood emotional stress or neglect, this can maybe pull you into a startling dynamic of dependence and intense feelings. And these deep old wounds and patterns were brought to the surface, I felt decidedly lacking in power or control, even if my rational mind saw it differently.

I think power imbalance is part of it, but it's more of a disclosure or vulnerability imbalance.

Seriously, as long as your fees/copays/etc are being paid for, what business is it of a therapist's what kind of purchase you make? This has got me interested. Your story too, Puzzlebug. Both of your stories are just heartbreaking. I'm sorry for what you've both been through. I'm betting neither of you saw it coming. That's what's scary.

My son is a 20 year college student who was driving a 13 year old car. On one occasion last school semester he was not able to make it to a single class because of car issues. We had an opportunity for him to get a decent trade in for his car and then a car payment of only $140.00 a month. The car would need to be in my name because he doesn't have the credit to make a purchase such as this. She felt I was enabling him and he needed to figure out a solution to this problem. Getting a great deal on a new reliable car for my son to attend college was very reasonable to me. It was also with the understanding if he could pay the loan payment since it was reasonable, he would. It's not like I said that I was getting him a new car and paying for every cent of it?!

Oh...that was you... yes, I remember. T has a right to an opinion, but I don't believe they have a right to tell you how to raise your child. We all have differing views on raising our kids. I've asked for input from my T on things related to my son, but I am quite sure she wouldn't be the least bit offended if I didn't follow her advice/views. That's just crazy! I'm sorry....

To some degree I think yes, the therapist should take more responsibility. Some people aren't moved either way when therapy ends or is terminated. Then there are those who struggle with termination well no matter how "ethical" it is simply because it brings to light the limitations of the therapeutic relationship and that hurts.

Burned123, I don't know your whole story, but did you or have considered filing a complaint or taking some action? I don't see how such client abandonment could be allowed to stand.

I say the T has about 90% of the responsibility. Their job is to provide a safe container for the client to express possibly painful and traumatic deep stuff. That is a HUGE responsibility.

And if they are not competent, it can be like "a child playing with a live bomb" as someone said.

I would go further than the word "limitations". Any process that can end with someone emotionally and psychologically destabilized and then terminated against their will is more like deeply flawed or fundamentally dishonest -- depending on how often this happens.

EXCELLENT POST!! You hit the nail on the head....

Perhaps the difference for me is that I never thought, believed or trusted the therapist would know anything about the actual issue I went for. I did believe the woman would have some knowledge about therapy that she would explain. She refused so I found a second one who would do that part - but the second one gets a bit more care-ish acting and does not stay back as well. The first became useful in that she stays back well and does not care - so I can tell her not to talk and then I can say some of the things I do not tell other people and that would make the second one get all invasive at me. The first one almost never ever gets what I am trying to get at which I accept and do not try to use her if I seek a sense of being understood.
The second does understand sometimes what I am talking about better so I now know what sorts of things are useful to me to tell the first one and what things are useful to me to tell the second one.

Same here. I became dependent on my T. Partly this was a maternal attachment dynamic. But other factors too.

At some point I was like a junkie and she was my fix. And then she took the drug away, cold turkey, insisted on no contact. It was not going so badly that this was necessary. Could have tapered. Could have taken a break. Something.

I'm not one that had a uniformly bad experience. My T and I shared a deep connection, even if it was chaotic and damaging at times. But the way it ended -- abruptly, no transition plan, her subtly blaming "my feelings", failing to take responsibility for outcome, and just stopping in middle rather at a safe and organic stopping point -- it invalidates nearly everything that came before.

I most certainly did BudFox! If one can't tell from reading what I've shared about "my story," we were more friends than T/Client. She got mad at me and didn't answer texts, I got mad at her and cancelled an appointment, and she got REALLY mad at me and terminated me. I filed a complaint in my state with the licensing board. I included: unethical termination, abandonment, violation of boundaries, and a few other areas. It was the most difficult thing that I've ever done in my life, but I feel my voice must be heard. It was difficult receiving my therapy record but there wasn't much there, which will work in my favor.

BudFox, is there a post somewhere where you talk about what happened with your T?

I tend to agree with Stopdog's line of thinking (though I probably have more bias) in that I don't think anyone should put too much faith into their therapist and I don't think a T should let their clients do this either. The relationship should be collaborative and I find it disturbing when I hear about the amount of Ts who seem to encourage a child like dependency on them. I do think this is a problem that should he monitored and addressed as the therapists fault when this happens. I think it is cruel and says a lot about the T. A lot of people who've been through the MH system become Ts and while I don't think that's wrong at all, I still think there are some that seem to have personality or ego issues. I also think clients should be wary of anyone who claims to have the answers of the ability to heal. They don't - they are a tool in process but they are not the healer.