I dunno, I couldnt quite verbalise my feelings today in T. Felt like I was fighting "needing" T. Told her at one point that I feel I've got tourettes and wanted to say to her too F**k off...she said do you need an excuse to tell me to f**k off?...I goes I guess not...so I said F**K off...

I told her I think I'm stuck, on the one hand, the fantasy of the perfect mother isnt working as well now, unyet I can't see the real relationship completely yet. I've swung from daydreaming she thinks about me 24/7 to thinking she doesn't care or think about me at all.

As I said this I found the adult me starting to kick in, and I could see that what I was saying wasn't the truth, that I KNOW she does care, but maybe not in the way I think. I told her that acting out and accusing her off not caring is all I know how to do.

I'm afraid to be an adult and respond to her in an adult manor incase I loose the help, loose her, that unless I act out she will maybe think I'm ok and forget about me? well actually this last bit only just came to me as I sit here writing this. Wish I had thought about that when I was with her, that I'm creating drama so that I remain high up in her mind!!

Its so weird, its like my last days of drinking, no matter how much I dramk I couldnt get drunk, now no matter how much I try to morth fantasys of T obsessing about me doesn't work now, it just dont come, I know "better" now.

I hope what ever it is that replaces the fantasys kicks in quickly because I feel adrift with no life boat in sight right now.

[SecretGarden]

My initial thought was... damned if you do and damned if you don't... find the adult.

I can relate.

Can you expand on...

I hope what ever it is that replaces the fantasys kicks in quickly because I feel adrift with no life boat in sight right now.

I would like to tell my T to %#@&#! off from time to time... like now...lol . .. but then I figure out he is on to something and I need to pay attention.....whether I want to or not... and on some level I do.... when I can pull it out from where I hide it.

[withit]

Sorry you're having a hard time, Mouse, and I hope things ease up for you soon...sounds like whatever fantasies you have erected for yourself (and we all do it at some point or another) to help you cruise along have crumbled into a heap of uselessness. And without an equal substitute in place you are adrift amidst a sea of uncertainty and disorientation.

T is no longer the perfect mother so how does one relate to that kind of 'news'? As long as she existed as the perfect mum your life as you knew it felt safe and predictable and on track (vis a vis her).

Now that the realization of the reality is hitting you, awakening you from your 'slumber', life seems so harsh, cold gusting winds, no raft in sight.....need to hold on to the mummy fantasy in order to stay afloat...but the fantasy ain't working anymore.....

If I'm off, please set me straight if you can...

If I'm not......here's what I think: though t is not 'fantasy mum' she IS a human being who cares about you. Is that too difficult to believe? Doesn't quite fit with your life-story? That another human being can care? If so, I understand.

Your post has me thinking about a t I used to see who betrayed me big time. And the unreasonable amount of rage I experienced at that time. It occurs to me now that the reason for my overwhelming rage may be because as children we expect it to be in the nature of the parent-child relationship that a parent would not betray a child, and when a parent does do so it is almost impossible for the child to make any sense out of it. It is my MOTHER after all, and mothers don't do this!!!! But other people do betray us. And that's life. People betray us. They don't owe us the 'I-will-never-betray-you' promise. Perhaps if I could see my t as a human being as opposed to my fantasy mum, I could reduce the level of rage. Not sure about that though.

Secretgarden, I guess I'm hoping that I will be able to allow myself to feel T's real caring. That right now its as if I feel to "shy" to allow it, does that make sense? Almost like I'm afraid of making a mistake. Like I am going to be found out that I really do want her to care.

Withit, No your spot on, especially with the "life story" sentence, I actually told T that I feel like I'm being asked to jump out of an aeroplane, I know I have a parachut but I'm not use to doing something as different as jumping from an aeroplane, or rather from openly discussing how someoen cares about me, I feel like I may die of shame.

[withit]

Shame.....ah yes....the dreaded five-letter word.....Mouse your insight never ceases to amaze me! Shame is after all the leading reason, I think, we have a hard time with intimacy...that someone should see our naked need is so utterly shameful!
I think when a child does not receive what it needs to receive.....attunement and caring from his/her parents.....the child is left with feelings of shame....

First of all, I think it's awesome that you feel comfortable enough with T to express your anger with her.

Although you *know* she cares, your unconscious probably does not. There are so many things that I *know* in my conscious mind. But that's not the part of my mind that influences my behavior right now.

I go back and forth between adult and child with T. I sometimes fluctuate wildly between the two in one session... I too, am afraid of turning 'all adult,' as I don't want to 'get better' and have T think I don't need him anymore. But on the other hand, I never want to admit just how much I need him.

Hang in there, Mouse. You have enough insight to keep your boat afloat right now.