[scorpiosis37]

How do you handle disclosing childhood abuse or a difficult family situation to potential dates/partners? Has it gotten more difficult since you started therapy?

I realized that, before therapy, I didn't expect my partners to understand my situation, listen to me talk when I was triggered, or simply be kind and understanding towards me. Now, I do. Now, I think it's important that anyone I consider dating possess a level of emotional intelligence, sensitivity, and good listening skills. I think it should be a two-way street. I'm willing to offer that, and think I deserve the same in return. Unfortunately, I think it's hard to find. Maybe people who haven't gone through what a lot of us have don't really "get" how those experiences change us and stay with us? I don't know. But I think having the ability to listen and be a compassionate human being is important.

I had a really bad experience with that this week. For awhile now, I've been communicating with someone from an online dating site who lives one state away (and we were planning on meeting in person this week). At first, it seemed like a really good match: she's educated, intelligent, financially stable, attractive, looking for a partner, and wants kids. We exchanged several great emails, and then began taking on the phone. On the phone, I noticed she did most most of the talking and frequently cut me off. She came across as rather aggressive and a bit of a "bulldozer." But I still thought she might just be nervous and was talking so fast as a result. Then, during our third phone conversation, she started asking me questions about my family. Like many of us on here, that isn't an easy question for me to answer-- but I did. I started explaining that I don't have a mom (she's mentally ill and didn't want me)-- and before I even finished the explanation, she said "it's probably better that you didn't have a mom. If you had been coddled, you probably wouldn't be so driven and successful." I thought that was incredibly rude. She has a mom and has no idea how much pain it caused me not to have a mom and to go throughout my life feeling unloved. But I tried to be polite, so I just said "well, it would have been nice to grow up in a loving family." Then she interrupted me again, and said "well, you had your dad to do everything for you. You're lucky." Then, I explained that she misunderstood the situation because my dad was not around most of my childhood. He was an extreme workaholic and maybe spent one hour a week with me. I was actually raised by a nanny. Before I even finished my sentence, she began criticizing me and said I should be mature enough to recognize that my dad needed to work and didn't have time for me. I tried to explain that my dad was well off and didn't NEED to work that much; avoiding the bad situation at home was his coping mechanism. But this woman completely ignored what I was sharing and continued to tell me how spoiled and lucky I was, at which point I couldn't take it anymore and just said "well, I had a very abusive childhood and don't feel that I need to defend myself anymore." That wasn't something I wanted to disclose or talk about, but I felt bullied into it because she kept trying to make me sound like a spoiled brat for not appreciating my "lucky" childhood. But even after I disclosed that, she told me I needed to get over it and move forward and stop talking about it. Of course, those are the lines I've heard all my life and they are precisely why I shoved it away and didn't talk about it or deal with it until I began therapy with my current T. Finally, once I got a chance to talk again, I told her that I'm actually in therapy, and that I find it helpful to talk about my situation (because I never have before) and to have someone simply listen without interrupting me and validate my experience. She then told me that my therapist is paid to listen to me, but she is not! I've never experienced a conversation with a potential date where she was so rude! I wasn't telling her about my family to unload on her; I was answering her very direct and persistent questions. It's SOOO hard to be vulnerable with potential partners when you have an abuse history, and it's awful to feel like you're being attacked all over again when you try to calmly answer questions about your family.

Needless to say, she is not the one for me. I'm just frustrated that it feels like I have to add yet another "thing" to the list of what I'm looking for in a partner. Why is it so hard to find people who are decent listeners and who can be validating when you do disclose your family history? I'm not looking for someone to "do therapy" with me or to "unload" on, at all. I just want to be able to answer their questions about my family without being attacked and told to "get over it" or "move on." I want someone who can understand that, no, I will never have a relationship with my mother (she does not want one with me), and no, my mother and I do not love one another-- and that's just how it is. All I want is for someone to be like "oh, okay" rather than trying to convince me I'm wrong about my own life. Anyone who has met my biological mother (1 friend and my ex-partner) "get it" after meeting her-- but I shouldn't have to force myself to introduce my potential partner to my bio mom, and put myself through the abuse, just to say "get it now? Now will you stop telling me I'm wrong?"

How do others deal with this stuff when dating new people? Honestly, I'd rather not even talk about this stuff early on, but people always ask about my family and I feel like I should be honest-- plus, I want to be able to rule someone out if they have this kind of a reaction! How do others handle this?

[stopdog]

I have never used a dating site and have not approached dating in the way you seem to do so my experiences may not be all that relevant. I did get overwhelmed by some of a partner's stuff and she has been seeing a therapist for over 20 years. Her parents were monsters. I sometimes do have to say I can't listen to her details and I am extremely glad she has a therapist to tell such things to.
In terms of getting to know someone - I take it slow and talk about things slowly. I don't divulge everything at once and I would be overwhelmed by someone who did it to me. I, for example, would have probably said I wanted to put off talking about my family until we met in person, or just stated they were challenging and gone on and talked a bit more at further conversations. But that is just how I do it.

[Lauliza]

I agree. I did some online dating and learned it worked better for me to meet in person before getting into personal information. I kept it superficial until real life and skipped phone conversations altogether unless it was to confirm plans. I'd answer such questions with "I had a difficult childhood so I'd rather wait to talk about it" or something like that.

She sounds like she was pretty rude regardless, so maybe it's better you found out sooner than later. Going forward it's something to think about (holding off on the deeper stuff until you know each other better). Family stuff can be overwhelming and awkward to discuss at first, especially if you've never met in person. A lot of people could be caught off guard and easily say the wrong thing.

When I was in the dating scene, like Stopdog, I was not very forthcoming about details about my family until well on into the relationship. I only discussed my family after knowing the person pretty well and having a good idea who they were as a person and how they would respond. I only discussed the damage my childhood did to me with H when we were quite serious and I felt he had a right to know how damaged I am before making a commitment. He needed to know about the dissociation and other issues so he would have a clear idea what he was getting into. I felt it was unfair to him not to disclose at that point.

[scorpiosis37]

I normally don't disclose things early either, but she was so pushy about it that I found it very difficult to get her off the topic. Initially, I just said "oh, I only see my dad my sister. I'm close to my sister. My sister is great." But then she asked: "Why don't you see your mom?" and I said "It's compicated, I'd rather not discuss it." Then she said "Why? Why is it complicated?" She was being very aggressive, and I very pushed into disclosing more than I really wanted to. In all ares, she behaved very much like an interviewer-- just throwing questions at me and showing little respect for my level of comfort with her persistent questions. I was caught off guard, and didn't really have the time to think through how best to react. It was just such an uncomfortable situation. I also dislike spending hours on the phone with someone prior to meeting them but, becasue she was out of state, meeting right away just wasn't an option. And, honestly, I'm glad I found out that we're not compatible before we spent the money and took the time to fly out to meet one another.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Therapy or not, wanting to be listened to, understood and cared for is really the baseline for a relationship. The lady in the other state sounds like she's single for a reason. Online dating can be great because it allows people to slowly open up (assuming they are telling the truth and not spinning lie after lie) and it can save a lot of nonsense in the long run.

Whether you're in therapy, or have issues or not, dating involves dodging a lot of frogs (if you can avoid kissing them that's all to the good.)

[MASIMO]

I too am concerned about dating. I will be out of a 35 year marriage to an abusive alcoholic in a month.
I have been exploring an on line dating site. Just out of curiosity. So many men are asking to be with self confident strong woman who knows what she wants. Haha..I am as far away from that right now. I feel like damaged goods and if someone should find out my history and that im still in therapy they will think they shouldn't get involved . And with all these divorced men out there. Im very afraid of falling into another unhealthy relationship. I would have a hard time refraining from asking them the nature of their divorce.

[JustShakey]

I'm with you Masimo, though my marriage was only 10 years. I foresee disclosing some details about my marriage fairly early on, it seems reasonable to offer some explanation for why I'm divorced. I think my bs radar is much improved though - I was talking to a right piece of work on the phone at work today - I could tell instantly that he was not a guy I'd want to spend more than 5 minutes around. I have no idea why my boss couldn't see it before she contracted him...

[growlycat]

I keep this side of me under wraps even with friends. Some know I'm in therapy but don't know much more. I wish the world were more understanding.

[unaluna]

(((Scorpio))) I would look at my response to that person's pushiness. And nip that in the butt.

[SallyBrown]

I don't have any brilliant insights about this, I'm afraid -- I am lucky to not have had an abusive childhood, and when friends and potential partners have disclosed their family issues to me, I can't relate to reacting in the way this person did.

I just wanted to say that WOW this woman is awful. I'm glad you didn't have to waste the time trying to travel to meet up with her.

I guess maybe one thing that comes to mind is, if you answer with, "That's complicated" and you find the person pushing you to talk about it before you're ready, that's already a sign that maybe they are not going to be great at dealing with this. I know it's tough but I think you should feel confident and ok about standing firm on topics you're not ready to discuss. That doesn't mean that even if she gives you the space, she's not going to be insensitive when you finally are ready to talk, but it seems like a reasonable first pass. When friends I am not close to yet say things like "It's complicated," I leave it alone until they're ready, and there's really no reason not to do that if you actually remotely care about someone as a fellow human!

I wouldn't disclose anything. I have been married a long time and have deep regrets sharing things with him. He's not a horrible person, but he will use those things against me in moments of anger. It's just not worth having things thrown back at me. I figure most everyone has some kind of trauma or painful issue in their past anyway. I know he does.

I don't think it's anyone's business really.

It would be wonderful if people were empathetic and understanding about things like this, but the reality is most people aren't. They care about themselves and don't want to deal with someone else's issues. It's just human nature. I've gotten a lot more cold and cynical about this over the past couple of years. I used to think people cared. I don't think that anymore.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I wouldn't disclose anything. I have been married a long time and have deep regrets sharing things with him. He's not a horrible person, but he will use those things against me in moments of anger. It's just not worth having things thrown back at me. I figure most everyone has some kind of trauma or painful issue in their past anyway. I know he does.

I don't think it's anyone's business really.

It would be wonderful if people were empathetic and understanding about things like this, but the reality is most people aren't. They care about themselves and don't want to deal with someone else's issues. It's just human nature. I've gotten a lot more cold and cynical about this over the past couple of years. I used to think people cared. I don't think that anymore.

(((Pbug)))
Your H may not be a horrible person (neither is my stbx), but using your weaknesses and hurt against you is a horrible thing for an intimate partner to do. It's emotional abuse. Call him on it, it's not right that he should do that to you.

You sound an awful lot like I did a few years back in this post People do care, as I'm learning. I get completely overwhelmed at times when I realize just how much.

Scorpio, I think that Sally Brown hit the "relationship" nail on the head! I think on line dating can be a good place to look outside one's general area for a potential partner, but when a person is responding in writing, she can come across a lot better than when she is face-to-face with you or talking on the phone.

You've mentioned before that you've worked in therapy on finding your boundaries and maintaining those boundaries. This incident is probably one of those situations where you got to find out how good you are at maintaining your boundaries in a healthy way. You were eager to talk to this interesting and intriguing woman and you probably wanted her to be all the things you're looking for in a possible intimate partner, but she wasn't. Unfortunately, she was able to aggressively push against your boundaries (entirely normal and healthy boundaries, by-the-way), and you caved against your better judgment. BUT once you were able to step back and look at things, you realized how aggressive and intrusive she was acting and you terminated any further investigation of the potential for this relationship. Good self protection!
Next time, you'll remember this incident and you probably won't be pushed into revealing anything you don't want to until YOU decided the time is right. Hang in there. The right person is out there. It's just going to take a bit more time.

[scorpiosis37]

Jaybird, I think you're absolutely right. You described the experience very well. And, next time, I'll hold to my boundaries the first time!

[divine1966]

I do believe in sharing upbringing difficulties with ones partner. But I think it is way too early to share before you two even met! You aren't technically even dating! I think perhaps when she listened about your struggles so early on you came across as a complainer! I am very understanding of people's struggles but if someone whom I have never met started complaining about his parents over the phone, perhaps I would feel awkward. That's too early!

But it appears as she demanded a response, then I would end right there. It is perfectly fine to say that you aren't ready to discuss it

I do agree though it is important people understand and validate each other experiences.

Hang in there. Give it time. See if you connect. Meet. Go out a bit and then share deeper stuff. Build trust first

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[scorpiosis37]

I don't think I came across as a complainer. I was not complaining and I was not looking for sympathy. I did not want to talk about my situation, I did not want her support, and I did not display any kind of emotion. I tried to get out of the conversation at every turn by sayiing, more than once, "I'd rather not talk about it." She was just so pushy, and kept bulldozing over me, that I ended up sharing a few facts to answer her questions (in a very un-emotional, matter of fact, manner). Then, I tried to shift to other topics as fast as possible. I realize that it was my fault that I gave in and answered her questions. I should have held firm to my boundaries, but I didn't. She caught me off guard and I gave in to her persistence. Next time, if someone pushes that hard, I won't give in.

No, I' not going to meet her. I'm not interested in going any further with someone who does not respect my boundaries and won't take no for an answer. She was rude to me and pushy, not just about this, but about other topics as well. She would ask me questions like a drill sargent on many topics and, as I was answering, she would start cutting me off and telling me I was wrong. That's not the kind of person I want to meet.

Certainly, I've dated people in the past who are not very good with emotions,and it is important to me to date someone who is a little bit more attuned in this area. However, this woman was an extreme example! No one has ever pushed me to answer questions about my family/childhood that early, nor have I ever volunteered that information myself until much later on. I mean, I don't have a problem telling someone that my family consists of only my dad and my sister-- but I never go further than that until several dates in. However, I don't view it as baggage. My "mom stuff" is in the past, and it's something I've processed in therapy. Sure, it may come up on rare occassions, but it isn't something I'm looking to process with my partner. It isn't something that I think about on a daily basis. I don't feel that I need "support" around it. It's just a series of facts about my family, and how I grew up. It's not a problem in the present. It only became a "problem" when this woman started saying rude things to me and telling me that I was "wrong" about my experience. My experience wasn't the problem; her reaction was. With someone else, if I disclosed this, they might say "oh, I see" and that would be the end of the conversation.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I don't think I came across as a complainer. I was not complaining and I was not looking for sympathy. I did not want to talk about my situation, I did not want her support, and I did not display any kind of emotion. I tried to get out of the conversation at every turn by sayiing, more than once, "I'd rather not talk about it." She was just so pushy, and kept bulldozing over me, that I ended up sharing a few facts to answer her questions (in a very un-emotional, matter of fact, manner). Then, I tried to shift to other topics as fast as possible. I realize that it was my fault that I gave in and answered her questions. I should have held firm to my boundaries, but I didn't. She caught me off guard and I gave in to her persistence. Next time, if someone pushes that hard, I won't give in.

No, I' not going to meet her. I'm not interested in going any further with someone who does not respect my boundaries and won't take no for an answer. She was rude to me and pushy, not just about this, but about other topics as well. She would ask me questions like a drill sargent on many topics and, as I was answering, she would start cutting me off and telling me I was wrong. That's not the kind of person I want to meet.

Certainly, I've dated people in the past who are not very good with emotions,and it is important to me to date someone who is a little bit more attuned in this area. However, this woman was an extreme example! No one has ever pushed me to answer questions about my family/childhood that early, nor have I ever volunteered that information myself until much later on. I mean, I don't have a problem telling someone that my family consists of only my dad and my sister-- but I never go further than that until several dates in. However, I don't view it as baggage. My "mom stuff" is in the past, and it's something I've processed in therapy. Sure, it may come up on rare occassions, but it isn't something I'm looking to process with my partner. It isn't something that I think about on a daily basis. I don't feel that I need "support" around it. It's just a series of facts about my family, and how I grew up. It's not a problem in the present. It only became a "problem" when this woman started saying rude things to me and telling me that I was "wrong" about my experience. My experience wasn't the problem; her reaction was. With someone else, if I disclosed this, they might say "oh, I see" and that would be the end of the conversation.

Yeah if she pushed then she isn't right person for you. That's too early to ask detailed deep questions. Even if she wanted and maybe needed to know your family dynamics it is not the way to go about.

There is nothing wrong even if you need support and have baggage, she just had no business asking. That is not something one needs to know that early.

I once had a guy telling me on the first date that his mother has schizophrenia and that's why he married his mentally ill ex because she has the same mental illness and he thought he could handle it. Now all by itself it is valuable info and certainly wouldn't turn me off but first date?

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