Crossing a boundary?

Hello everyone,
I'd like to ask your opinions please. My T is VERY boundary focused, which for the most part, although I struggle immensely with this at times, I understand and respect. However, something happened yesterday that made me a bit angry. My T had told me that I should perhaps find a transitional object that reminded me of the work we have done / are doing together and that I can hold etc to make me feel safe. Seeing as she stole the only cushion in the room a few weeks ago when her back started hurting (I had been doing my usual "hiding" behind the cushion) I decided to make myself a cushion to take to sessions. So I spent a lot of time and effort hand making myself a cushion and on one side I decided to put positive quotes etc.
I asked my T to write a message / quote on there for me. This made her a bit angry and she point blank refused to, saying she wasn't going to give me anything, it was crossing the boundaries, why was I pushing her and trying to get her to break the boundaries etc. etc. This then set off all sorts of emotions for me and I ended up dissociating badly and the session went from bad to worse with horrible empty silences and at the end her saying well we've come to the end and me looking at the clock and childishly saying technically we have 5 more minutes and her even more childishly responding sarcastically actually technically we have 3 minutes.
I don't understand why asking a T to write something positive down for me is crossing the boundaries? Am I overreacting feeling disheartened and rejected because of this?

Wow, firelily, I'm at a loss as to why your therapist would think that you asking her to write something positive on a pillow you made is "breaking one of her boundaries." Jeesh, so many therapists accuse us of black and white thinking!! It's true that you can't force her to write something on the pillow but it seems pretty petty of her to refuse to help you create the transitional object she told you to come up with to help you stay connected to the work you were doing together. I guess if you had insisted that she provide you a pillow and put positive quotes on it, she might have had a point, but you do all the work, came up with a creative idea and actually put that creative idea into form. She should have been complimenting you on your creativity and follow through.

Also, I NEVER think that sarcasm from a therapist is okay. It's petty, childish and uncalled for in every situation. . . it isn't even acceptable as a response to a client's sarcasm. I wish you could have challenged her on HER childish behavior because that's what she demonstrated to you. Is there any chance you'd feel strong enough to go back to your next session and confront her on some of this silliness? I do understand if you don't feel comfortable doing that but if anyone deserves a good confrontation (done politely but pointedly), it's your therapist. Sorry she was such a tool!

I agree with Jay bird,
This t has not worked through her own stuff instead of blaming you for wanting something off her, she should explore why it is that this provokes this reaction in her. This is not ok and I would consider asking her how much work she has done on herself and if she has ever been in therapy. She is not being real or authentic with you

What an unprofessional and mean spirited response! I am so sorry. I agree with above posters.

If you are able, try and discuss your feelings about this her. I would have been deeply hurt and spitting nails angry.

It was okay for him to say he wouldn't do it, but his manner of doing so was not at all right. No need for the sarcasm.

I can't understand why your T would react like this. If she didn't think it was helpful I would expect a T to very gently explain why not. I think T's should know that they need to handle saying no to a client really sensitively as that can spark a big emotional reaction. I don't know why she thinks this is a boundary crossing, seems like a good idea to me. I too would like to ask my new T to write something to help me between sessions. Once they see that a client is dissociating and having an emotional reaction I would expect a T to give reassurance and support to the client, and to be careful about the ending of a session when the client is clearly not ok (maybe even apologise? 'I'm sorry I can see that the way I said that was difficult for you'? Have you been seeing her for long? Is it the kind of relationship where you can discuss these things - is she receptive to that? Your description of your T reminds me of my ex-T. My ex-T seemed to have no self awareness of how her behaviour impacted on me.

that was so mean of her! i so sorry. obviously she has a lot of work to do on herself and is feeling insecure. good heavens

I'm sorry your t did not act in a way that offered you encouragement. I would feel the same as you do if my t did that.

Just because a therapist acts out does not mean the client did anything wrong. Asking for anything is not crossing boundaries.
Therapists are not always correct and they can be just as unreasonable and wrong as anyone else.

I'm so sorry!!! That was a wonderful and creative idea and u can't believe she would not write something on it for you. I can't see how that is any kind of boundary crossing for her to write something on the pillow. You aren't asking for a gift, just some encouraging words. That was incredibly mean spirited and insensitive. I hope she realizes that she reacted very badly and apologizes. You did nothing at all wrong.

I'm sorry. That sounds very painful.

That wasn't crossing a boundary at all!!! I can't even start to think of a way in which it could be construed as such. I'm so sorry she reacted that way-it sounds very hurtful, and you didn't deserve it.

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Although I agree that your T had the right to opt out of writing on your pillow, the way she acted was way out of line. Some Ts take the word "boundary" so literally they don't know when to loosen up a little if it might be helpful. I'm sorry you had to experience this..:

People have a right to their boundaries, even therapist. Imo she should have been able to say it in a different way. I'm sorry that happened to you.

This just made me sad. I don't know why I had a parent child feel about this interaction but either way I can not imagine how that's crossing a boundary but the therapist herself being so closed she better do work on herself as that defensiveness tells me more about her issues than ethical rules! I'm sorry just realized it's not just sadness, this just makes me mad how hurtful that action must have been.

Oh my..This is one of the not so uncommon confusions many therapists have about the word "boundary" which result in such stupid reactions to something the client suggests as a "boundary crossing.

First off, from your description, I understand that she was the one who suggested using the cushion as a "transitional object" in the first place. If she came up with the idea in the first place, why is she pissed off about your creative addition to her own idea? The suggestion of creating a "transitional object" for a client to hold on to itself is quite questionable to me to begin with, but for the sake of the argument I don't want to touch it because that's not the point I am trying to make.

The point is that the word "boundary" is very much misunderstood by both professionals and lay people. People think of a "boundary" as some sort of fence they should build between themselves and others, the fence that should never be crossed. One's personal or professional boundary is simply one's decisions about what one says "yes" and "no" to. That's it. Simple as that. Boundary is not a defensive barrier to protect oneself from others. This kind of idea of boundary promotes isolation instead of connections between humans that are so much needed in our connection hungry world. The healthy idea of boundary doesn't promote isolation. It promotes clarity of what one is and isn't willing to do in relationships with others.

That being said, when your T accused you of "pushing boundary", she was projecting her own confusion about boundaries on you. If she herself was clear about where her own boundary is, she wouldn't have any need to get angry at you. You have no power to "push" her boundary. If her boundary was intact, no one would have the power to change that. If she was strongly and deeply rooted in her clarity about what she is doing with you, she would have confidence in her boundary. When one is clear and confident about what they do, they don't get angry. They have no need to because they know that no one can push them into doing something they shouldn't do.

If your T is angry about your "pushing" her boundary (whether it is true or not), that means she herself is confused about where her "boundary" is. I am sorry you had to deal with her incompetent reactions and what sounds like her personal issue.

Boundaries differ from one T to another, but regardless of this, that reaction was outrageous! My T and I have a slight boundary ‘transgression’ as standard in session, but we always talk openly about boundaries. If my T feels uncomfortable with something he may say "no", but will do so calmly and explain why not and suggests a more ‘therapeutic’ alternative. You should tell T how her reaction made you feel, it was well out of order.
Good luck xxx

Boundaries are subjective and set by the other person, not you, the point is that the boundaries must be enforced. Sounds like there might be more to this story. Writing a message on a pillow is weird, but it doesn't sound like crossing a boundary per se even if it is your personal thing. Boundaries are no joke, believe me it's MUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH better to accidentally be too rigid about a boundary then to be too loose about one.

That's a wall, not a boundary.

Yikes, talk about an overreaction. She had a right to say 'no' but being so churlish?? She has issues, methinks.

She didn't need to be mean about it. Sure perhaps writing quotes on a pillow might be unusual request but doesn't sound like a big deal. She sound wacky.

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She wasn't going to give you anything? Shouldn't she be giving you 'something' as your therapist? If not, what do you pay her for?
Of course, it's an unusual request and she has every right to say no, but referring to boundaries is quite pathetic. This is not about boundaries.

You asked a question, she said no. That's all there is. Even if that question would be (for example) a too personal one... I don't think it's ever wrong to ask questions if they don't have the intention to hurt and you feel like the answer could support you. Yours clearly was one of those.

I feel sorry for you.

When my therapists were bratty with me, they it seemed they were so entangled in their own theoretical ideas of what therapy was supposed to be that they forgot they were human beings talking to another human being.

I don't think a provider is exempt from basic human courtesy. A childish outburst is just that.

I know it's complicated when some Transference gets started with T, but I wouldn't keep going to someone that strict. The new ways of therapy aren't so rigid and tight. If I could get up the courage, I would ask a new T what he/she felt about boundaries before I got in too deep. I just couldn't take that much coldness even in the name of therapy.

I agree so much.