I know there are thousands of different reasons people see therapists and endless types of therapy so lots of reasons WHY therapy can go "bad."

And I know that assigning blame is probably pointless, but when one ends up in a bad therapy relationship I think it is normal human nature to try to figure out what went wrong.

In my case I don't know what went wrong because he refused to see me anymore and he used about four different explanations and then my doctor told me another explanation. I have come to the point of totally placing the blame on him. I don't think it is fair any longer to blame myself for this when I have no clue what I did wrong or if I did something wrong. I also tend to place way more blame on the therapist in other people's "bad" therapy."

I know there are situations where the client makes threats or doesn't pay, but outside of something really egregious I think it is on the therapist when therapy fails. They are the professional and they are way more responsible for how things go in therapy. We can't give them the credit when therapy goes well, but refuse to give them the blame when it goes bad. We can't say they have all this knowledge and then let them off the hook when they screw up. I'm not saying everyone does this, but a lot of people put more blame on the client and look for something the client did or didn't do so they can say it was their fault. Again, not saying everyone does this, but it does happen. I think it comes from fear. They want to believe their therapist could never do something to severely hurt them so they blame the client.

Therapy is such a bizarre concept to me now. It seems so unnatural and so dangerous and so scary. I poured my heart out to someone and told this person things I will never tell anyone again and had never told anyone before. I was terrified these things would repulse him and disgust him so much he wouldn't see me anymore. I told him that. He said he would never do that. He would see me through to the end. He would never give up on me. He would never make me do anything I wasn't ready to do, but in the end it was all lies. He lied.

I'm not sure what my point is except I am not taking the blame for it anymore. I don't know what I could have done differently and he didn't tell me so I know it isn't me. It was him. He changed and not in a good way.

People might think there are red flags for things like this, but not in my case. I never saw it coming. I will never be blindsided like that again though. Never. I expect the worst from them and if it doesn't happen that is great, but I have no hope of fully trusting the therapy process (whatever that means) again.

[nicoleflynn]

That is terrible...I am so sorry...Unfortunately, there is no way to weed out a bad therapist, until it is too late and the damage is done. Termination without any reason is grounds for losing his/their license.

It is ALWAYS the therapist's responsibility as to how therapy goes. The consumer has no idea what goes on in therapy, and puts their trust totally with the therapist. I am someone who was used by a t and still trying to find courage to confront him.

Sorry this happened to you, and I agree that Ts are often to blame.

[missbella]

P.B. Short of non-payment, vandalism or some kind of extreme incessant primal screaming, I'd place blame 100 percent on the therapist's irresponsibility and failure. If they decide they lack the skills to help a client it's their mandate to follow through with a smooth transition to another provider if the client feels she needs it.

I only know you from online, but experience you as consistently respectful, communicative, thoughtful and level-headed. You seem like a lovely person anyone would be lucky to have as a client.

[Partless]

puzzle_bug1987, I don't really know what to say, I agree with a lot of what you're saying. While therapy is about us the patients, the therapist always plays a role in how we are doing. They're the professional, they're the ones getting paid, they're the ones whose schedule determines when we see them, who tell us how to frame issues and how to interpret things. We rely on their expertise. Of course we are the ones doing the hard work of change but I think they owe us at least to give us a clear reason if they can't see us or need to terminate therapy. Many people go for therapy because they never got closure in their relationships. Who do you go to when can't get closure in your therapy relationship? This is wrong.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

......
In my case I don't know what went wrong because he refused to see me anymore and he used about four different explanations and then my doctor told me another explanation. I have come to the point of totally placing the blame on him. I don't think it is fair any longer to blame myself for this when I have no clue what I did wrong or if I did something wrong.

Therapy is such a bizarre concept to me now. It seems so unnatural and so dangerous and so scary. I poured my heart out to someone and told this person things I will never tell anyone again and had never told anyone before. I was terrified these things would repulse him and disgust him so much he wouldn't see me anymore. I told him that. He said he would never do that. He would see me through to the end. He would never give up on me. He would never make me do anything I wasn't ready to do, but in the end it was all lies. He lied.

We have much in common puzzlebug and that's not good. You certainly can't blame yourself when your T refused to see you and kept making up different explanations for what happened. I'm so sorry your T relationship came to a startling close. The ending to my therapy was devastating too. I'm sure my T is still dreaming up reasons to blame me. It's OK because I expect it. I'm ready to hash it out with him when the day comes. He never took responsibility for what happened but I think he knows inside that many, many, irresponsible mistakes were made. It was an egregious offense against me that he repeated week after week, month after month and year after year. How or why is a mystery to me (but I do have some ideas). He really can't suggest a logical reason so lying works for him. Maybe your T is similar? It's probably a lack of maturity -hit and run so to speak. I hope your T wises up and tries to end things properly. If it's not already too late.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm sorry you feel this way

But I sadly completely understand. I never expected to leave me and especially not in the way that she did. There were no signs. No one expected it. It hit me like a freaking train. And it's been 6 weeks and it still hurt so bad.

I don't want to trust any other person, especially any other T. I don't ever want to be betrayed like that again... But I truly feel I have to. In order for me to make the progress I want to, I have to open myself up yet again. Though there are some things I told ex-T that I will never tell another living soul about again.

I have lived long enough locking people out of my life and I know what that did to me.

Do what's best for you, but also give yourself permission to revisit your decision in the future. You might change your mind about a T if you meet the right one.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Reading this thread makes me want to cry. I am so so sorry everyone. All of us who have been hurt.

[sidney1771]

This is a nightmare for you. Very sorry you had to experience this. Truly not something I would wish upon anyone. I can only hope that you don't shut down completely, but find another therapist that is good. They are out there and when you have one, it makes all the difference in the world.

I wish you the best and if I could program your computer to give you a hug right now, I would do so. Don't give up. Please don't.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

Therapy is such a bizarre concept to me now. It seems so unnatural and so dangerous and so scary. I poured my heart out to someone and told this person things I will never tell anyone again and had never told anyone before. I was terrified these things would repulse him and disgust him so much he wouldn't see me anymore. I told him that. He said he would never do that. He would see me through to the end. He would never give up on me. He would never make me do anything I wasn't ready to do, but in the end it was all lies. He lied.

The lying is hard to deal with because it is NOT okay. I'm struggling with that in my situation too. It's really confusing on top of being hurtful. I'm so sorry you had to go through this because I feel that pain too, and it sucks.

I agree with you about therapy. I was reading some posts here last night while I was at work and some of them disturb me A LOT and make me feel really sick and sad. People seem unhappy and it just all seems really unhealthy. They make me uncomfortable after my experience, and maybe it's unhealthy to read them and ruminate? I don't really know.

I don't like that our pain is considered an "agenda" and we can't talk about it. Whether they are therapists or not, making empty promises is wrong. Your pain is real, and it's such a betrayal.

It's probably not healthy to read too much here, but I do it anyway.

I do think this was totally his issue and not mine. I did see another therapist (a decent one I think) for several months last year until he moved away. But we didn't talk about the old therapist or the unethical behavior.

I think people blame because of fear and stigma and when you're the "crazy" one it must be your fault somehow. Whatever. I just refuse to accept the blame anymore. I am also not blaming myself anymore. Most therapists disgust me.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

Therapy is such a bizarre concept to me now. It seems so unnatural and so dangerous and so scary. I poured my heart out to someone and told this person things I will never tell anyone again and had never told anyone before. I was terrified these things would repulse him and disgust him so much he wouldn't see me anymore. I told him that. He said he would never do that. He would see me through to the end. He would never give up on me. He would never make me do anything I wasn't ready to do, but in the end it was all lies. He lied.

puzzlebug: I feel for you. I went thru something quite similar. Do you plan to pursue this any further?

As Jeffrey Masson (former psychoanalyst) said: "Blaming the victim is the hallmark of psychotherapy".

Instead of blame I think in terms of accountability. My ex T accepted a small portion and left me with the rest by default. Subsequent Ts did the same. It became a process of systematic denial and invalidation.

As Masson also said, "torture victims often find the fact of not being believed as painful as the torture itself".

It took me 6 months of networking with others, reading, reflecting, and doing self-therapy to come out of the fog and see what happened.

[missbella]

It helps me to do a lot of "filling in the gaps," taking what I knew and envisioning what he didn't show and tell me.

I decided this guy needed to be seen as a towering authority figure, maybe in compensation for his ineptitude in more equal relationships. And I decided on some level the guy knew he was a fraud, pretending far more knowledge than the really had, pretending he had special powers to help people and read minds.

I've find in most areas of life that people with authentic knowledge and substance don't need to denigrate or control others.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

It's probably not healthy to read too much here, but I do it anyway.

I do think this was totally his issue and not mine. I did see another therapist (a decent one I think) for several months last year until he moved away. But we didn't talk about the old therapist or the unethical behavior.

I think people blame because of fear and stigma and when you're the "crazy" one it must be your fault somehow. Whatever. I just refuse to accept the blame anymore. I am also not blaming myself anymore. Most therapists disgust me.