Second worst nightmare happened (maybe a bit dramatic, but yeah, it was bad)

I called the helpline I usually call to talk about frustrations with my search for a new T...forgetting completely that current T works there. Really, nothing unconscious here, nothing about trying to talk to her or something, but somehow I just...forgot. Because I've called there lots of times before with no problem, and also I thought T was at workshop today?

Anyway, now I'm super embarrassed, and she also now knows that I'm looking for a new T and doing a bunch of consults (which I was only doing pre-emptively in case she decides she can't work with me anymore, which I know is coming, even though I really don't WANT a new T), so now she's going to think I don't want to work with her anymore, when I DO, I just know that's where this is heading. Also, I was talking about her (nothing bad, actually good stuff, and how much I've appreciated x and y and z). But still. I was talking about her to her. (Although I'm surprised she didn't recognize my voice and stop me...I didn't recognize hers because she literally said hi and then I just talked for like six minutes.)

She stopped me after like six minutes and said that she thinks she knows me and has to hang up now, but I can call right back and she won't answer the phone...yeah, I didn't do that. I am super embarrassed now, and I have a session with her tomorrow and I really don't want to go now...I just feel incredibly guilty/ashamed for some reason...I feel sick.

Yikes! That's awkward. I guess you know what your conversation will be about tomorrow. Well, maybe it was meant to be. Might be time for that discussion?

It feels sort of like I'm cheating on current T with another T...or more accurately, cheating on current T with another emotional prostitute who you will see once and then send on their way. I think maybe my worry is that current T will see this as a sign that I don't want to work with her anymore, which if anything these consults have shown me that I really, really do. Also, she might feel some sort of betrayal that I didn't tell her I was doing consults...like I wasn't being honest with her...ugh...yeah, it's awkward, and I knew that her working at this helpline (for six hours a week) meant I shouldn't call it...ugh...

I have never had a therapist have an issue with me checking out other therapists.

Perhaps because yours know you don't have much esteem/affection for their wily tricks?

Perhaps they are hoping I leave.

But not just these two - any I have asked about it have always said it is the client's right. I usually ask right off the bat. Anyone who has a problem with it I crossed off the list. Most did not.

I am so sorry that happened. I am sure it feels yukey. Of course you feel sick as I know that feeling. It will be hard to go into session tomorrow and I would be in an absolute panic but you you will feel better once it is talked about. I hope she helps you eliminate that shameful embarassed feeling and professionally processes this with you.

I didn't mean that in a bad way, stopdog. And I guess my T wouldn't have a problem with it either...it's just that last week when we were talking about maybe terminating, she said she'd considered the fact that if I wanted to see someone else, I would have seen someone else, and now she knows that I've seen someone else, so she's going to think I want to stop seeing her. Except I DON'T want to stop seeing her. I just think pretty soon she's going to decide she can't keep seeing ME, so I want to pre-empt that...but I would really rather NOT find a new therapist. But I feel like this is a big sign to her and maybe now she's going to feel more comfortable terminating with me...

Have you told her that?

Yes, many times...I even sent her an email (incidentally after consult #2) telling her that I am scared of losing her and feeling like I failed at this relationship too and I don't want to see someone else. And after three consults, I really DON'T want to see someone else. I really don't want to lose her. And I'm actually surprised that I'm feeling so strongly about this...I guess somehow I got very attached to her after all, even though for months I've been trying to trick myself into thinking I wasn't. But I think now she will take this as a sign that I want to leave, even just part of me...and really I don't right now. Maybe sometime, but not right now. I'm not ready.

And I guess what's really bothering me is that right now I feel super defensive about it, because I feel embarrassed, so now I feel just like brushing it off tomorrow and saying it's no big deal, even though right now I'm feeling really panicked and ashamed and just awful...but I don't know how to turn off that defence mechanism and just say that to her. I feel like instead tomorrow I'm just going to detach from it and be like, "Yeah, whatever." And it's just after I sent her that email saying how much I appreciated her and wanted to keep working with her, so the timing couldn't be worse. I should NOT have EVER called that helpline after finding out she worked there...but she said she only does shifts there one day a week and I thought she was at a workshop today...

Decided I actually don't want to email T. We will talk tomorrow. I was feeling incredibly anxious but I managed to mostly calm myself down...the seeing a new T situation we can talk about (that was the plan anyway) and talking to her accidentally on the phone was probably more embarrassing for her than it was for me, considering she let me talk for quite awhile without recognizing my voice. So I can out this into perspective; I didn't do anything wrong and we will discuss it tomorrow and she will be her usual caring, supportive, nonjudgmental self. Right?

Oh wow... yeah that would be a pretty terrible awful moment to realize that you're talking to your regular T, and oops, you've just told her that you're T shopping!

I definitely think you should talk to her, or write to her, about your fears. Let her know that you do not want to leave, but that you're still scared that she's going to terminate you. This is a really normal fear for some of us - I had lots and lots and lots of talks with my current T about it, because I've got a history of bad terminations with not-great Ts.

If your T has any T-skills at all, she'll get it, and hopefully she can help you understand where it's coming from and maybe feel a bit more secure...

Good luck! And... you know... it's actually good that your session is coming up so soon! Much better to get the talk over with, rather than spending a whole week being nervous about it

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you wrote, but it's not just that I'm obsessing about her terminating me for no reason...she's told me several times in the past few weeks that she's not sure she's the best person (or qualified/experienced enough) to help me, and my previous T said that a lot as well in the weeks leading up to termination...it's not just in my head; it's a real possibility that I have good reason to think about/plan for, even if I really don't want it to happen.