[Yearning0723]

The T is very experienced, and I absolutely trust my current T's judgement and I think she knows what I need, and I trust that if she really respects someone, they're probably pretty darn good...but this T has written some things about repressed memories/satanic ritual abuse/government mind control, etc. that sort of worry me. I won't try to get into a debate about whether this stuff is real or not, because that's not really relevant and this isn't the place for that, but I am very sure that I was never sexually abused as a child and I don't have any repressed memories, and my opinion is that memory is incredibly unreliable anyway.

But I also have had Ts in the past who tried to suggest that there was more to certain stories than I was telling them, ex. that my stepfather once taking off my pants when I was thirteen in an attempt to stop me leaving the house when we were fighting meant that he had sexually abused me, and I was very suggestible to that particular T (and I tend to get very suggestible when I feel maternal transference towards a T), and I started believing that maybe that was true, even though part of me knew it absolutely wasn't, but I just wanted to please that T, and I don't want to get into that pattern again.

I know that maybe this is just one way that this T does therapy and she isn't necessarily going to push that on me, but at the same time, I'm worried I might not realize it until it's too late, like with the T who kept suggesting that maybe I had been sexually abused - it didn't come up until several years into working together, and sometimes it can be subtle and insidious. Also, this T has written some stuff such as that certain sexual fantasies (ex. being hurt) come from sexual abuse, and that I just don't agree with and feel pretty sensitive about and would not like a T who might respond to me by saying that something like that comes from abuse.

I also know that this T has worked with a well-known author who has written extensively about being ritually abused by a cult and how this T was the only person who believed her and saved her life, etc. and how she had a lot of maternal transference towards this T, and that worries me a lot as well...I mean, I will probably do a consult with her, just because I trust my current T so much and current T really thinks this T will be able to help me, but I am also really skeptical, but I don't want to hurt current T's feelings or question her judgement...ugh...am I overreacting?

[scorpiosis37]

Without knowing anything about the specific books or beliefs of this T it is hard to assess whether these are "red flags" or not. I am personally very skeptical of Ts who suggest clients have repressed memories-- but I don't know anything about this particular T's work so I don't feel like I can comment on that. However, if YOU are worried about this particular T, why not ask your current T for a second recommendation? I'm sure if she is able to come up with one name, she can come up with a second one also. You can either tell your current T your concerns, or you can simply say you want 2 names so that you can decide on who you feel most comfortable with. I think that's a totally reasonable request.

[unaluna]

I agree that you are susceptible to story-tellers. In a sense, you sought one out while you were seeing this t, and replaced this t's (former) good judgment with that of the story-teller's.

I would disregard her recommendation and not worry about her feelings about it. It sounds hostile to me.

At work, one way to get promoted if you were a slacker was for your boss to give you a good recommendation so he could then get rid of you, then you became the next boss's problem. If you disregarded her advice about your friend, what is she going to tell the next t? "Youll love working with yearning - she disregarded everything i said?" Find your own next t and try to learn from your mistakes. Im sorry if this sounds harsh, but there is SOME sense in it, i think. There is definitely caring

Eta - it is sounding messy and i dont like messy stuff!.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by hankster

I agree that you are susceptible to story-tellers. In a sense, you sought one out while you were seeing this t, and replaced this t's (former) good judgment with that of the story-teller's.

If you disregarded her advice about your friend, what is she going to tell the next t? "Youll love working with yearning - she disregarded everything i said?" Find your own next t and try to learn from your mistakes. Im sorry if this sounds harsh, but there is SOME sense in it, i think. There is definitely caring

What do you mean by this?

[PinkFlamingo99]

The ritual abuse/repressed memories would be a HUGE red flag for me tbh.

[NowhereUSA]

Given the facts with regards to satanic rituals and repressed memories, historically, I'd pass on that particular T. That's just me - not because of suggestibility but I want someone who is evidence based - or at least in touch with reality.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Given the facts with regards to satanic rituals and repressed memories, historically, I'd pass on that particular T. That's just me - not because of suggestibility but I want someone who is evidence based - or at least in touch with reality.

I think I can't say with absolute certainty that ritual abuse, at least in the particular case of the particular author this T treated, didn't happen, but at the same time, I have my skepticism, and either way, I don't want anything about repressed memory or potential sexual abuse introduced in any session with any T I'm going to see, because regardless of what's true for other people, I am 100% sure it's not true for me.

I have a lot of skepticism about those issues. I would not see someone with that mindset and background.

[Yearning0723]

To be fair, most of this stuff was written from the early 80's to the late 90's...I can't seem to find anything more recent than that, and there was a craze going on in that era...and I also know this T is an incest survivor herself...possibly I know way too much of her after thoroughly perusing her published works to be able to do therapy with her regardless. And yet my T, whose judgment I trust implicitly, thinks she would be the absolute perfect T for me, so I just don't know...

This T created a documentary with the infamous Sybil's doctor though...that's pretty serious, even if it was 1989.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

To be fair, most of this stuff was written from the early 80's to the late 90's...I can't seem to find anything more recent than that, and there was a craze going on in that era...and I also know this T is an incest survivor herself...possibly I know way too much of her after thoroughly perusing her published works to be able to do therapy with her regardless. And yet my T, whose judgment I trust implicitly, thinks she would be the absolute perfect T for me, so I just don't know...

This T created a documentary with the infamous Sybil's doctor though...that's pretty serious, even if it was 1989.

That Wilbur woman?

Honestly, if it were me I would run fast in the other direction.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

That Wilbur woman?

Honestly, if it were me I would run fast in the other direction.

Not her therapist, but her doctor who treated her. I think this is not going to be the T for me. Whether it was the 90s or not, it just leads me to question her own judgement and suggestibility. I might still do the consult, to humour T, or just to see, but right now I'm not so interested in this T.

Also, I worry a bit that T is very set on this referral as some sort of "penance" (not the right word, but sort of) for not being able to help me...and if I don't take it she might feel like she "failed" somehow at helping me...just a thought that occurred to me after today's session, where T was (somewhat inadvertently) sharing some of her insecurities with me...I know her feelings aren't my concern, but still.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

What do you mean by this?

What part dont you understand? I mean you substitute other peoples judgment for your own. You give them your power. Do you want their love in return? I dont understand why you care NOW about your ts feelings, when didnt she advise you against getting so involved with A? If you didnt care about her feelings then, why do you care about them now? Im not trying to be obnoxious, i am asking seriously, why are you so focused on your ts feelings? Esp now that the relationship is ending? I think there is important information there.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by hankster

What part dont you understand? I mean you substitute other peoples judgment for your own. You give them your power. Do you want their love in return? I dont understand why you care NOW about your ts feelings, when didnt she advise you against getting so involved with A? If you didnt care about her feelings then, why do you care about them now? Im not trying to be obnoxious, i am asking seriously, why are you so focused on your ts feelings? Esp now that the relationship is ending? I think there is important information there.

I cared about T's feelings then too. I just loved A more than I loved her. My mistake. I was a little bit blind to reality.

[Yearning0723]

I think the other thing that's really bothering me is that the writer who she treated wrote a book that was based on her own experiences with ritual abuse and therapy, and I know the therapist in her book is based on the T that my T wants me to see, and I was absolutely obsessed with this book when I was a teenager because the T in the book is so motherly to the writer's character, hugging her, holding her hand, just being so understanding, and the writer kept saying that this T saved her life and wished the T could be her mother...and I don't want to open that whole can of worms all over again. Also it just seems cruel. It's like if the lady who played Ms. Honey in Matilda invited me over to her cottage for tea and cookies. Obviously it's not the real thing, not the same thing as in that movie, which I was also obsessed with as a child, but it's teasing...

[eeyorestail]

I would stay away. The repressed memories/satanic cult ritual abuse craze from the 1980s and 90s has been largely debunked as quackery. In fact innocent people went to jail because of it.

I think your instincts are correct that this may not be the best thing for you.

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[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Obviously it's not the real thing, not the same thing as in that movie, which I was also obsessed with as a child, but it's teasing...

Its like youre saying, "im gonna run away with this bad lady again, unless you guys stop me. Here i gooo..." obviously we cant stop you. Youre an adult, you can see whoever your dad will pay for.

I think you have analyzed the possible downside of seeing this therapist very maturely. I don't think your gut feeling that this isn't the best therapist for you is probably valid. You're not under any obligation to see this therapist, even for a "consult". The suggestion made from another poster about asking your therapist for at least one other possible referral; might be good to ask for two more referrals so you have some wiggle room. You are not going to hurt your therapist's feelings if you don't choose the person she thinks is the best fit for you. No one and I mean NO ONE knows you and what you need better than you. It is not disrespecting your current therapist if you decide on another therapist. It will work out. Just do some consults, you have some good instincts about what you need--trust those instincts!

Have u met with this T yet? Or ask t why he thinks she would be a good T. She obviously has many years experience and his suggestion may have nothing to do with her prior interest in ritual stuff. Evaluate her yourself.

[Ididitmyway]

You are not overreacting in the sense that if you feel uncomfortable with the potential T's possible approach to work, this feeling should be respected.

On the other hand, you don't know if she is going to try to find repressed memories in you or not. Just because she'd written books about it doesn't necessarily mean she'd push the idea that you are a victim of sexual abuse on you. The best thing to do is to see her once and ask her directly about how she practices and share your concerns with her. If there is a certain method you don't feel comfortable with, say it upfront and see how the T responds. Her response will show clearly if she is the right T for you. Why guess? There is no way for you or anybody on this forum to know how this T practices. Just go and ask her and you'll know immediately if you should be seeing her or not depending on her answer.

And your current T's feelings about your acceptance or rejection of her referral is completely irrelevant. Therapy is about you and the only factor to consider is whether it'll benefit you or not.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

You are not overreacting in the sense that if you feel uncomfortable with the potential T's possible approach to work, this feeling should be respected.

On the other hand, you don't know if she is going to try to find repressed memories in you or not. Just because she'd written books about it doesn't necessarily mean she'd push the idea that you are a victim of sexual abuse on you. The best thing to do is to see her once and ask her directly about how she practices and share your concerns with her. If there is a certain method you don't feel comfortable with, say it upfront and see how the T responds. Her response will show clearly if she is the right T for you. Why guess? There is no way for you or anybody on this forum to know how this T practices. Just go and ask her and you'll know immediately if you should be seeing her or not depending on her answer.

And your current T's feelings about your acceptance or rejection of her referral is completely irrelevant. Therapy is about you and the only factor to consider is whether it'll benefit you or not.

You are absolutely right. I think I will do the consult and talk to her and feel it out...I'm just cautious based on an experience with a previous T who thought that certain situations I described to her meant I had been sexually abused, when I know I wasn't. So I will be careful, but also give it a try. Worst case scenario, it's a waste of half an hour.

[divine1966]

my t (whom I consider stop seeing) asked me on more than one occasion if my dad sexually abused me ( the way she worded he didn't sexually abuse you, did he?) there is nothing in anything I ever ever says even remotely suggested that, neither physical nor sexual abyse.

I asked her what makes her ask that sad that's what she said:

You got married young (sure did as I was in love) , you seek unavailable men ( my whole family is unavailable do I seek familiar) and you are angry at your dad (at the time I was angry he didn't want to travel to my daughter's wedding)

How any of it indicates sexual or physical abuse is beyond me!!!!!



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[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

You are absolutely right. I think I will do the consult and talk to her and feel it out...I'm just cautious based on an experience with a previous T who thought that certain situations I described to her meant I had been sexually abused, when I know I wasn't. So I will be careful, but also give it a try. Worst case scenario, it's a waste of half an hour.

Yes, in the worst case scenario, it'd be just a waste of half an hour or however long she would give your for the first consultation. I understand that you'd be risking a disappointment in case she holds the same beliefs about repressed memories as that therapist in the past, but that kind of disappointment is better than getting involved with a practitioner who isn't suitable for you and whose approach you'd fundamentally reject. It'd save you tons of money, plenty of time and, possibly, a potential trauma.

Remember, you are a consumer and have the right to reject the service you don't feel good about.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Yes, in the worst case scenario, it'd be just a waste of half an hour or however long she would give your for the first consultation. I understand that you'd be risking a disappointment in case she holds the same beliefs about repressed memories as that therapist in the past, but that kind of disappointment is better than getting involved with a practitioner who isn't suitable for you and whose approach you'd fundamentally reject. It'd save you tons of money, plenty of time and, possibly, a potential trauma.

Remember, you are a consumer and have the right to reject the service you don't feel good about.

I think my biggest hesitation is that during the consult, she might readily agree that repressed memories or whatever aren't my problem, but then once she gets to know me better she might change her mind and spring it on me and not accept no for an answer, because obviously the very nature of a repressed memory precludes your awareness of it...

[boredporcupine]

I would be running away so fast it would make your head spin.

There are some T's who love drama and intrigue and would prefer to be treating, talking or writing about sexual or ritual abuse or anything juicy rather than garden-variety problems. Not that sexual abuse doesn't happen, but why go looking for it?

There are also T's out there who love to feel like the ultimate nurturer and rescuer and probably get too much pleasure out of people saying they saved their life.

Both of those are dangerous traits to have and in no way conducive to actual healing IMO.

Anyway, what is your actual presenting concern? If you haven't been ritually or sexually abused exactly how is this T suited for you?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

I would be running away so fast it would make your head spin.

There are some T's who love drama and intrigue and would prefer to be treating, talking or writing about sexual or ritual abuse or anything juicy rather than garden-variety problems. Not that sexual abuse doesn't happen, but why go looking for it?

There are also T's out there who love to feel like the ultimate nurturer and rescuer and probably get too much pleasure out of people saying they saved their life.

Both of those are dangerous traits to have and in no way conducive to actual healing IMO.

Anyway, what is your actual presenting concern? If you haven't been ritually or sexually abused exactly how is this T suited for you?

Current T says this T is very experienced with trauma, attachment, and dealing with high levels of distress/crises. She's been a T for forty years...but I will discuss it more with T when I see her on Monday, because I want to know specifically, in detail, why she thinks this T can help me. Honestly, I think it's mostly because my T really likes this T and has a lot of respect for her, her approach, personality, methods, etc.