[Gavinandnikki]

It's very clear from the posts in this forum that we start therapy for a specific reason. Depression, anxiety, phobias, relationship problems and so on.

I began therapy to get help with addictions. Alcohol, food, prescription medications. Always seeking something to make me feel good, or, at least better.

After 5+ years of psychoanalysis, I terminated my therapy. I still am an alcoholic. I'm on a maintenance medication for my narcotic addiction, my food issues are greatly improved. Fortunately, I am highly functioning in my career and my husband is very supportive. I just happen to be a very screwed up individual.

But, and this is the crux of my post. My therapy, ultimately, transformed into being ALL about my relationship with my therapist. I had extremely intense maternal erotic transference for my therapist. For years-I can not believe how long- my 3-4/week sessions were about my feelings towards my therapist.

WTF???? Thousands of dollars, buckets of tears, it consumed me.

What I got out of therapy was:
1.) very clear insight into WHY I am an addict
2.) I learned that I had value as a human being
3.) better ability to understand why others act as they do
4.) developed patience with the inherent weaknesses of myself and others

Was it worth it? Would I engage in therapy again?

I'm not sure.

Do you get what you want out of your therapy? If yes, why? If no, why?

I'm thinking about starting therapy again. Obviously, with another therapist. I'm a little (a lot) nervous about it.

But I want to hear your thoughts.

Thanks.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Abandonment issues.

In the end, the way it ended, hurt me worse.

But I am starting over again. Because my life is constant pain and the alternative is giving up.

I think I actually got more out of therapy than I expected. When I went into therapy originally (many, many moons ago), I honestly had no expectations whatsoever because I really didn't know what I needed and knew absolutely nothing about therapy. But I received support and safety that I needed.

This time around my expectations were low. I simply needed someone to talk to because I knew I was sliding into long-term depression. I just wanted that person provide whatever support and understanding I needed to manage through it. But I received a great deal more. I've come out of therapy very stable, much more content, with greater understanding of myself and a much more positive outlook on my life. I went in just hoping to muddle through and came out more stable and more mentally healthy than I've ever been in my life.

I don't predict I will need long-term therapy again, but life happens, so who knows? If I needed therapy again, I wouldn't hesitate to seek it.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Abandonment issues.

In the end, the way it ended, hurt me worse.

But I am starting over again. Because my life is constant pain and the alternative is giving up.

I admire your strength in starting over. Constant pain I understand. The struggle to get out of the bed. To move, talk, go out of the house. When all you want to do is stay in bed and not do a damn thing. That life is so painful, what is the f'in point.

I've read your posts. Terrible abandonment. By the person you pay to help.

To start over does require great strength and character.

I wish you the best.

[Coco3]

I went in therapy because of a depression. I didn't know what I was depressed about, it hit me all of a sudden. It turned out I was burnt out because of things that happened in the past and how I coped with that. After that it was best for me to build self esteem / worth. So things i'd been through wouldn't happen to me again.

So, I didn't know what to expect from therapy when I started. Later on I set some goals. In the end it turned out even better, I'm a different person now. A better version of myself, and I'm forever grateful for that.

[laxer12]

I went into T wanting to get dealing with my depression. However, I had no idea everything else I would learn.

Here's a list of things I've gotten out of T, whether or not I was expecting to:
1. Learned self-compassion
2. Closure for some childhood trauma
3. Awareness of my thoughts/feelings
4. Awareness of judgement I place on myself and project to others
5. Dealing with attachment issues
6. How to let myself experience my emotions rather than push them away
7. Overall, I think just a better awareness of myself and learning how to acknowledge/accept the things I do, feel, and think.

And the best part is I'm not quite done yet

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

My therapy, ultimately, transformed into being ALL about my relationship with my therapist. ...
WTF???? Thousands of dollars, buckets of tears, it consumed me.

What I got out of therapy was:
1.) very clear insight into WHY I am an addict
2.) I learned that I had value as a human being
3.) better ability to understand why others act as they do
4.) developed patience with the inherent weaknesses of myself and others

Was it worth it? Would I engage in therapy again?

I'm not sure.

This to me is the crux of your post that reflects my own thinking of how therapy has been generally conducted up until now. This reflects my first therapy experience when, in spite of all the valuable insight I received, I was harmed greatly by the fact that from some point my therapy started revolving around my "relationship" with my therapist. All the rest of my life and the real struggles in many areas I hoped to solve in therapy, some existential questions I hoped to find answers to, some important relationships I hoped to improve - all of that was no longer important. "The Relationship" was put at the center of therapy, even though I didn't need it, didn't want it and didn't come to therapy for the purpose of starting an intense emotional relationship with the therapist.

I had concrete specific problems I needed to resolve and I looked at the therapist only as someone who could give me some valuable input on how I can tackle my problems because their training and education gave them the knowledge I didn't have at the time. I was seeing this service more like a psychological consultation, and rather a brief one, that could give me information that would shed a new light on my life situation and give me ideas of how I can move forward.

What I got myself into was just another unhealthy dysfunctional emotional involvement that was sold to me as a necessary part of therapy.

Was it worth tons of money wasted and a HUGE trauma I had to deal with afterwards for many years? NO.

On the other hand, was it a necessary part of growing, maturing and becoming who I am today? YES. But that applies to all life experiences, traumatic or not.

[stopdog]

I went because of an extreme internal reaction that made no sense to a certain sort of event. Therapy has been useless in dealing with that. But I have found it not un-useful to tell some things to someone who has to stay back. I use the first therapist to talk about certain things and the second one to talk about other things. The first one is only good for three or four things - she is terrible at understanding what I am getting at with most things - but very useful and stays back when I tell her about the dogs or the stressful health thing going on at my house. The second one gets me more, but she is not as good at staying back. The first one tried to get a focus on the relationship with her at the beginning - but stopped due to my bad reaction to such a thing. The second one has never addressed it and it is not an issue at all as far as I know.

[BayBrony]

I went into therapy initially to deal with a new and lifelong incurable illness that dramatically changed my life. In particular it stopped all my athletic activities. I had been a committed long distance runner including marathons for 20 years. The loss of that was like losing a best friend, plus I had constant pain to deal with.

I knew I had a lifelong eating disorder that I used my 100 mile a week running habit to manage and serious childhood abuse and core shame issues. I didn't want to go.there primarily because I had a wonderful therapist as a young adult who died of cancer quite suddenly ( just a few months from diagnosis to passing) although it had been 16 or so.years I just didn't want to share myself that way with another T.

However after a little over a year it became clear that 1. My problems dealing with my illness were really rooted in that core shame and my eating disorder and 2. My therapist was pretty extraordinary . Slowly I decided to work on the other issues.

I am not all the way there but I am closer than I have ever been to real recovery from my eating disorder and a real sense of myself as a person worthy of life and being loved.

In my case this has involved an intense relationship with my therapist and some limited re parenting type stuff as well as somatic therapy. I honestly can't imagine my life without having done this therapy. I guess things could go bad but the same sense of self worth makes me feel I'd survive that too if I had to. As it is its been 3 and a half years and I think.we are making excellent progress. Before her several clinicians told me that due to it starting so young and lasting so many years I had no hope of recovery or long term happiness. ( I became anorexic and bulimic at 12 years old and have never functioned without some level of an eating disorder though to most people. I appear happy and successful. .sso that's 28 years of eating disorder thinking and behavior). So I believe it's made a real difference.

I went initially to try to deal with the grief over the loss of a child. I had a lot of issues other than that, but I just wanted to figure out how to go on and function at that time. He was not helpful at all with the grief, but we started working on other issues and I got sucked in to "me, me, me, my pain, my past, ME, and it really hurt me in the long run. Pain in relationships is normal and natural and happens, but not this type of pain. I never want to experience anything like that again. I guess I just want to not be severely harmed in therapy.

[ragsnfeathers]

i clearly don't have some people's ability to train therapists. I wish I did. I went to many therapists, on and off, my whole life. My issue has always been why am I not competent even when I try my hardest over time?

One thing that did tremendously was the therapist who, after I found a book that seemed to described me, arranged me to get tested for learning disabilities. What I wanted was to process that, to explore how much anxiety plays a part, to make peace with myself as I am and how I dealt both before and after I was diagnosed.

I could never get that because I couldn't, first, get therapists off their agenda for me, and, second and in a way more important, figure out how to interview a therapist to see if they would be able to help me. I've learned; I asked therapists in the initial session if they would be willing to work on my issue and leave the social stuff alone. They always agreed. They never meant it. In another words, they all lied in the initial interview.

I just fired my final therapist over just this issue. It's too bad because I really want insight into this and newly ex had the potential to help me but he's all into his own agenda for me.

Translation: "I'm not going to force you to do x." means, "However, I am going to force the topic on you in any way that I can."

Yet another therapy rant. In truth, I think therapy has the potential to work. If I thought I could work on my goals and not the therapists' I'd do it in a New York minute. I'm not the type to focus on the t relationship though I think my therapist wouldn't have minded that.

I do think therapy can work, if only therapists themselves didn't get in the way.

[scorpiosis37]

I didn't enter therapy in order to solve any particular issue. I decided to talk to a therapist because I needed support as I was ending a 5 1/2 year domestic partnership and I was unhappy with the PhD program I had just begun. I had moved across the country for my program, and didn't have a support system yet. My T helped me feel supported as I made these big life changes, and I stayed because I found that I really benefitted from the additional support. Therapy morphed from talking about my current life to talking about my childhood. We processed a lot of childhood trauma and I was able to have some corrective experiences with my therapist. The relationship with my T is important to me, but it is not consuming or stressful. It helps me feel supported as I deal with things in my "real life." I imagine that it's similar to what people with moms experience when they need a little bit of a pep talk or an "I'm proud of you" before taking on a big thing at work, having a difficult conversation with a friend, etc. For me, therapy has been worthwhile. In fact, much more so than I anticipated.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I went initially to try to deal with the grief over the loss of a child. I had a lot of issues other than that, but I just wanted to figure out how to go on and function at that time. He was not helpful at all with the grief, but we started working on other issues and I got sucked in to "me, me, me, my pain, my past, ME, and it really hurt me in the long run. Pain in relationships is normal and natural and happens, but not this type of pain. I never want to experience anything like that again. I guess I just want to not be severely harmed in therapy.

puzzlebug I'm so sorry. It's perfectly reasonable why you take the stance you do on therapy. None of my issues could ever compare to what you went through. Hugs!

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

puzzlebug I'm so sorry. It's perfectly reasonable why you take the stance you do on therapy. None of my issues could ever compare to what you went through. Hugs!

Thank you. Everyone's pain is important and I'm not totally against therapy. It does terrify me and I hate seeing people get so hurt by therapists. I think a lot of therapists might mean well, but they end up doing great harm. It needs overhauling, but I don't know how that would be done. I mean many people go to therapy because they have been very wounded and traumatized and hurt and therapy should help with that and not cause more damage.

I look back at my old posts here sometimes and I can see that I used to have faith in therapy and I kind of miss that. I do really. I don't know. It's confusing and scary and sad.

[Gavinandnikki]

I want to sincerely thank everyone who has shared their reasons for entering therapy.

Quite diverse and both painful and interesting to read.

Thank you.

I started therapy (this go-around, my 3rd and finally successful attempt) for help with depression and anxiety mostly, and also because I just had this feeling that there was MORE that life could be. Boy was I right on that last point! During the 3.5 years with current t, I came through to the other side of the depression and got off both the antidepressants I was on (with pdoc's blessing), changed jobs to one I love, started making friends outside of work for the first time in my adult life, began volunteering with girl scouts, published a book of my poems, etc etc etc. I could go on and on. What I wanted from t was to get past the depression and learn to tame my anxiety, and once we had tackled those, we just kept going because as she is fond of saying "the work never stops". Even though I'm done with regular sessions now, and I know I can call her if I need to talk if something comes up, I'm still doing my "inner work" as we call it all the time. It became a part of who I am and I will never stop doing it. Through journaling, doing dream work, writing poetry, thinking 'outloud' on the dear t thread here, it's all my inner work and I plan to never stop working to improve myself. Therapy has been the hardest, but best, thing I have ever done for myself!!

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by ragsnfeathers

I do think therapy can work, if only therapists themselves didn't get in the way.

Well said.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

I admire your strength in starting over. Constant pain I understand. The struggle to get out of the bed. To move, talk, go out of the house. When all you want to do is stay in bed and not do a damn thing. That life is so painful, what is the f'in point.

I've read your posts. Terrible abandonment. By the person you pay to help.

To start over does require great strength and character.

I wish you the best.

Thank you! I'm seeing a clinical psychologist now at the hospital and she is very smart, kind, competent... And very, very, very different from the one who hurt me. That helps. The differences.

[rainbow8]

I've been avoiding this thread because I'm afraid to acknowledge my feelings. Yes, my therapy with 5 Ts ended up to be focused on my relationship with them but that's because I had that kind of pattern with real people in my life. I always thought it was a game I played, falling in love and obsessing about unavailable people. I didn't realize it was a pattern until it happened with my first T.

I began therapy because I was depressed and unhappy about a lot of things in my life. I thought the T was supposed to give me answers. I had no idea what therapy was all about! I didn't know what a personality disorder meant until that T told me I had BPD. My first T saw me through miscarriages and births, and eventually talking about losing my Mom. I learned a lot but got hooked on therapy! I honestly don't know if it's been worth it....

Each T worked on my pattern in a different way. I got attached anyway. I didn't understand it but they kept telling me it was about what I missed as an infant. I went 10 years with no therapy and that was probably good for me! Then I got that need for it again. Probably the need was for someone to nurture me. Therapy was too good. I craved it but was usually disappointed.

Yet, I learned a lot about myself and did make changes in my life. I had an explanation for my feelings, BPD. I unburdened myself from stuff from my past that I was ashamed of. I needed that very much.

Finally I have a T who is dealing directly with my pattern, and who allows me to let out those needy child parts with love and compassion. She allows love to happen in therapy. I hope that's a good thing and that I'm not deceiving myself. It's painful when part of my pattern, or call it transference, is all about m I

I don't know what the outcome will be. I don't want to ever quit therapy by choice. I want my T to be with me for the rest of my life. She's a lot younger than I am, so that may happen. But if she moves away or dies, I think I've internalized her enough to cope. So that's an indication the therapy was worth it. My T has taught me meditation and mindfulness, and how to appreciate nature, and get back to painting. TBH, though, it's the relationship I crave.
This is written quickly, as usual, without proofing. It was hard to write. The bottom line is that I don't know! I'm happier than I used to be, but was it worth it to explore all of past and my feelings, for so many years, or not? I became addicted to therapy but at least I know WHY, and an working hard to change.

[LonesomeTonight]

I've been to T's in the past but will just talk about the most recent two (still seeing both--one an individual T, one a marriage counselor. Plus a p-doc, but this forum is about therapy).

I initially went to my T about 3.5 years ago for issues with anxiety and panic disorder that seemed to get worse after I had my daughter. My panic disorder was such that I was having at least a panic attack a day, tried to avoid riding in cars with people or on public transportation (was fine if I was driving myself), had trouble eating in front of people, and other situations, because they'd triggered panic attacks in the past. I was also having trouble with being a parent (I realize now that I also had postpartum depression), thinking that I wasn't doing a good enough job and should have seemed happier about having a 6-month-old.

What I've gotten from it has been a great deal of help with the panic disorder (I very rarely have panic attacks now--I'm on medication, but I think the therapy provided the biggest help on that) and am doing better with the generalized anxiety. I also feel better about being a mom, gaining more confidence as my daughter has gotten older (realized, too, that I'm not an "infant person" and do better when they get a bit older).

I've also ended up delving into some stuff from childhood and now have a better understanding of why I am the way I am. Recently came to realize, too, that maybe my childhood wasn't as happy as I made it out to be (anxiety and OCD issues were there, but my parents didn't understand them). And had a bit of maternal transference for T (hadn't had that with any previous T). Also ended up dealing with some issues in my marriage, which led to me (and my husband) seeing:

Marriage counselor (in same practice as T): Went to him at first because of some anger issues my husband had (seemed to come about from a loss he suffered). Wasn't too helpful in the beginning because, admittedly, neither H nor I were really being open about stuff. Took a break, then went back at my insistence because, as I eventually admitted in session, I feared I was no longer in love with my H (and maybe that I no longer even loved him)--had kinda pulled away due to anger stuff (which had gotten better). (I also may have had some feelings for a younger guy for a brief period.) MC was good at helping us through it, not taking sides, and pushing us more to be open and honest.

It sometimes ended up being like individual therapy with MC because many of my personal and psychological issues (as well as my H's) play into our marriage. His approach is rather different from T's, so it's getting a slightly different perspective. Over time, we've come to realize things like how fighting can be OK in a marriage (we like never fought before our daughter was born), how being parents can change a marriage and how to deal with it, ways to reconnect (which worked sometimes), and basically gained better understandings of each other and our respective needs.

However, with that, just in the past 6 months or so, has also come some erotic/romantic as well as paternal transference for MC on my part (having both types of transference is just as confusing as it sounds--and with some definitely painful moments). Exploring that with T, individually for a couple sessions with MC, and in joint session with my H with MC (awkward!) has been at times very embarrassing and at times very enlightening. It brought to the surface some attachment and abandonment issues from childhood (parents) and when I was a bit older (parents, exes, and friends) that I then explored with both T and MC, which was difficult and painful at times. Now I think I'm mostly on the other side of that (though still some transference there), with a better understanding of myself and feeling closer and more healthily attached to both T and MC. Marriage seems better, but don't feel like we're out of the woods yet.

OK, that was incredibly long, and I could go on even longer, but I'll end here. It was interesting to think about. Bottom line: I definitely think therapy with both T and MC have been beneficial, at least in understanding myself and in dealing better with both my immediate and extended family, and in handling the outside world. However, I definitely see how it can lead to attachment to T's--but I think as long as that becomes a healthy attachment, rather than, say, neediness or inability to function without them, it's OK. I think!

[FranzJosef]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

What I got out of therapy was:
1.) very clear insight into WHY I am an addict
2.) I learned that I had value as a human being
3.) better ability to understand why others act as they do
4.) developed patience with the inherent weaknesses of myself and others

Was it worth it? Would I engage in therapy again?

That's a pretty good score, in my opinion. Certainly not a waste of time or money.